I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

Myself and this woman have not even lived together yet.

It's too much too soon for both of you, isn't it? How on earth could either of you know if you'd be good parents when you don't know if you could rub along together as a couple 24/7?

Let her go and find her sperm-donor and have her child which is her priority. I don't think you'd be happy long-term and could feel trapped by being the father of a child you are not interested in having.

OP do you really understand the issues around female fertility and age? I suspect not.

She's in a rush is because time is running out for her to get pregnant. The sand is falling through the hourglass minute by minute. She was upfront from the start that she wanted a relationship and a baby, and she's invested a year of her life hoping it will be with you.

Stop wasting her time, and just admit you don't want kids full stop and let her move on. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but there's nothing wrong with wanting them either. Wanting kids more than she wants to be with you is no different to not wanting kids more than you want to be with her.

I have had almost zero experience or exposure to kids / babies/ toddlers.

I think i will have to back away from her, as hard as it is, because if she ended up childless due to me , i would never ever forgive myself.

It is so hard though.

How on earth could either of you know if you'd be good parents when you don't know if you could rub along together as a couple 24/7?

My parents met and married within a year, been together 45 years.

*47 years.

I have only skim-read the thread but first thoughts are "oh dear". Whilst it is very sad for both of you if you split, you have done nothing wrong and you have been open and honest with her. I think if anything she has been naive and thought she would "change" your mind about wanting children.
She is right, at 37 she hasn't got time to waste, but really she should have moved on to a man who definitely did want children much earlier on in your relationship.
You want different things in your future, children change everything about a relationship - sadly I think you need to accept that she is not the one for you, nor you for her.

Do you want someone not willing to wait (before I'm jumped on she won't even rent for 6 months!) or ensure that the relationship is stable to be the other parent of your child? I wouldn't want someone that wouldn't put stability first. What about when (yes, when) you split up? Will it be countless partners moving in with your child?

I think you've been drip feeding OP - you didn't say at first that you weren't living together, or never been on holiday together, not that that really matters in the grand scheme of things. I hope she does "bin you" not because you've done anything wrong at all but because (as someone else said) at 37 her chances of getting pregnant are not that high - she might have to try for a couple of years and a woman's fertility plummets from the age of 35. So yes she needs to find a sperm donor (or a man who wants children) and get trying to conceive asap.

I think i will have to back away from her, as hard as it is, because if she ended up childless due to me , i would never ever forgive myself.

Your decision is obviously not should I stay with this woman, it's should I have a baby. Whomever she winds up with will become a father.

And I do think that your girlfriend is taking a good strong stand by giving you this ultimatum. Good on her for this, and hopefully in enough time for her to have a child.
She can't be as perfect for you as you think if ultimately the lives you both dream for are so disparate. I repeat again, children change everything about your lifestyle!!

Let her go.

She is far more invested in having a child than she is in having a relationship with you. And you know this.

You know:

You don't want a child.
You haven't lived together.
You haven't holidayed together.
You've been together a year but have already split twice, both times because she was pushing for children and ushered an ultimatum.
She is pushing the relationship forward and taking it places you are not comfortable with.

I sincerely hope that you are being REALLY careful with contraception.

You need to let her go.

If you love her, and know how much she wants them give her that opportunity that is so important to her.

Either have children or leave her.

You will break her heart if you lead her down the garden path or prevent her from having them if they are that important to her. Do you want to do that?

"So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her."

This is the problem. Understandable though it is, and said with the right intentions I'm sure, it will have got her hopes up. Unfortunately you have been stringing her along. Stop it and finish the relationship.

No i dont, and i dont want to be that sort of man, at all.

I have to accept that she needs a baby to be happy, and she has to do what i takes to get that. She did think i'd change my mind this past year, and I hoped that her love for me would outweigh the baby thing for her.

you need to finish this
I'm childfree as well

there is no way being that much in love with someone can compensate for the hell of having a child you don't want

I've seen people do this - it never ends well.

"I have imagined the 3am feeds, the soft play, the doctors trips, school runs, nappy changes all day, the loss of sleep and freedom. And i question if i can do all that. And i question if my love for this woman can get me through all that."

I think you have answered your own question there. You don't actually love her enough to do this.

You sound like you have a highly romantic view of love - she's the perfect woman, no-one will ever be more perfect - yet you haven't even lived together yet, so trust me, you have no idea if she's the right person for you. Parenting, for you, is associated with the real rather than this floaty romanticism - and therefore it's what you're running from.

Relationships aren't just about the romantic bits. They're about cleaning up your partner's vomit when they are sick, making them lunch for the umpteenth time, cleaning the loo without complaint, voluntarily forgoing something you want for something your partner needs. I suspect that you need to reduce your expectations that there can be a state of permanent romance in life. I'm not saying you have to want a child - parenting is not for everyone - but you do have to be prepared to live in the ordinary here and now.

You've led her a dance in the last year. She was clear from the start that she wanted kids and that means very soon given her age. Not an ideal scenario but workable. You said you might come round so she stuck with you and now you say you won't.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and end it.

But she hasn't been in any way vague about what she wants. You have. Can you not see how that is unfair?

She doesn't have time to piss about on holiday to Mexico with a man who won't really be part of her future. If you don't want kids and she does then you have to split up. Now.

A woman's fertility starts to decline from age 30, declines faster from age 35 and by the age of 40 it's halved. Now that doesn't mean she has a fifty percent chance of getting pregnant each month. At 30, the chance of conceiving per cycle is about 20%. At 40 it is around 5%. These are not great odds. AND she's 5 times more likely to have a stillbirth at 40.

Can you see how cruel you are being? You want to rent for a bit, to holiday for a bit yet for the whole time she's been with you, she's made it completely clear that having a baby is non negotiable. That's one year down... She knows she is running out of time. Do the decent thing and let her go.

But she hasn't been in any way vague about what she wants. You have. Can you not see how that is unfair?

He's made room for the possibility that he will change, and has sought counselling, so I don't think he's being unfair. Plenty of ambivalent people have children - sometimes it goes well, other time it doesn't.

At 40 you want to be with the woman you love.
At 37 she knows she wants to be a mother. And that drive is stronger than any love for any man. Please understand that.
You either accept her as that and help her with it or you don't. If you don't then you need to move away.
The ache of not having a child late 30s is painful. I know. I had three children very late - 2 in my 40s. All are teenagers now, three wonderful, gorgeous people who enrich my life and my DP's life too. The first years are hard, OP. But they are also wonderful. Each time a baby arrived it was love at first sight for both of us. DP was not desperate for kids, but he adores them now. And I am dreading when they all leave home. But at least I have the man that I love with me.

We got engaged 8 weeks after we met, so no holidays and living together for us. we just 'knew' we were meant for each other. We were married 364 days after we first met. Just celebrated 22 years together. No test markers were needed.

You need to leave her life and go and find a childless woman who wants to stay that way. Good luck.

Also if you haven't lived with her then you have no idea if you really love her. That's when shit gets real.

Good old graph.

SmallBear despite me not ever really being maternal or desperately wanting a baby I did it because it is what you do isn't it.

Surely at some point you must have stopped using contraception, and thought about it?

Boogers You say she is about to bin you over this, that doesn't sound like something someone who is head over heels in love would do

Erm, it might be what they'd do if they have always longed for a child and time is not on their side. She doesnt have time to dither, she has made it clear that having a child is a deal-breaker and she needs to know pronto. He, on the other hand, also thinks having a chld is a deal breaker, and that is also fine. However, he has time on his side, so doesn't need to be so fast to decide.

OP, you need to split now, while she still has a chance to become a mother. If you don't understand the longing for a child, fair enough, but it can be overwhelming, always there in the background aching away, affecting your whole life. I swear I get a physical reaction - a sort of twitch/ache in the ovaries when I see newborns, as well as the longing inside that physically grips my chest (no DC yet). Women's fertility declines rapidly after 35 - the clock is ticking loudly for your partner to fulfil this potenitally life long longing. I'm just trying to explain how urgent and important the situation is from her POV, am a bit at "So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me..." when you have no idea what it is like to have longed for a child for so long. She doesn't have TIME for "relationship milestones" before pregnancy. I wonder if someone said to you, you have to have children now or never, would you pause for thought or be quite happy to say "never"? For women, they have to make the decision.