I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

Be careful while having sex. Surprises will be on the way. I agree with piss

Slightly different, but I know lots of men who have not wanted children, but it's happened by accident. They've spent the entire pregnancy in turmoil, but when the baby has arrived they've fallen completely in love and turned out to be amazing fathers

Neither of you are wrong.

The only thing wrong is you should have been more blunt upfront and said never as it would have been much easier on both of you then.

You have to do that now as her window of opportunity is shrinking fast. If you dither and waste her time now then you are in the wrong.

Let her go. Now before it is too late for her.

Trust your gut on this one. If you don't want a child do not have one.

Have you ever spent considerable time with a baby? If so, what age?

I've never had really comfortable and fun interactions with other people's children, and it is really different with mine.
When you are imagining what it would be like to have a child, remember that the things you mention -- soft play, nappies, 3am feeds (especially) are very short-term. Also imagine what it's like to have a 5 year old, 7, 10 - it's MUCH more fun and much less drudgery. The baby/toddler phase isn't everyone's thing, but having a child is much more than that. And a longer-term commitment too, of course.
Ultimately, there's no middle ground - if you're not compatible this way, you're not compatible enough. She's doing a sensible thing resolving this soon if she's 37. if she was 27 it might be sensible to wait 5-10 more years- but she's done that!

You are not at all selfish OP. Take no notice of those who say you are.
This will be a dealbreaker obviously. DO NOT have a child if you don't want to, for heaven's sake.
Just make sure you are always honest and up front.
I second the being careful regarding contraception. I would make sure you take control of it otherswise there could be 'an accident'.

She is being upfront about what she wants because she is 37 and knows that if she wants to become a mum it is now or never. She loves you but if you don't want a child with her she will find someone else to love. She doesn't have time for relationship milestones and can do them when she is pregnant.

So either you want to be with her and have a child or you split and she moves on and hopefully meets someone else she can have a child with.

It is up to you and you need to make that decision. At least she is not tricking you, she is being honest.

I also think it is going to be hard for you to meet a woman for a long term relationship as you will either meet younger women who will want a baby in a few years time, women your age who are in the same boat as your girlfriend or older women who already has children living with them. Of course there might be that amazing woman who doesn't want children ever but I doubt there are that many around.

To me it sounds like she want you for your sperm.

If you had been with her for several years, had lived together and had a strong and secure relationship Theb I would think the fact you would sort of like a child is reason to consider it, I wouldn't be worried because just it's not a burning desire. I don't think anyone can truly say they want a life of soft play, doctors visits, lack of sleep, nappy changes, reduced freedom etc but the rewarding aspect of having a child makes those things worth it. If it sounded like your relationship was otherwise perfect I would question whether it has to be a definite no.

However truthfully your relationship does not sound like that. 2 splits within a year? A partner who feels she is going to have a baby this year with or without you? Never having even been on holiday together? I think she is so desperate for a baby she is steam-rollering you into being the father when she's not even really established you'd be a good partner to spend a future with.

A baby puts huge strain on a relationship and my worry for you would be that if you have a child this will all break down in a few years. If you didn't even want the child that will put you in the position of being a single man with a child from a previous relationship to support both emotionally and financially just so your current partner could get her longed for baby.

I'm sorry but I would let her go unless she is willing to put the baby on hold another year or two so that you can find out whether this relationship has any longevity outside of being parents.

Sadly, this is an issue where there is no space for compromise however tempting it may be to look for one. (I was on the other side of this, and spent... wasted?... 5 years trying to persuade myself that I loved him enough that him not wanting children was okay. It wasn't. We split. Being, by then, into my 40s, I then went down the donor sperm route - that's how strong my desire for children was, and am now a single parent).

Split now, while you can do it amicably and respectfully. There is no middle ground here.

I agree, it sounds like she wants your sperm. I can understand stand that. I've been there myself.

It's very sad abd hard for you both but I think you'll have to let her go. Most women will chose the potential to have a child over a man no matter how perfect you are for each other.

I do
Agree with what someone else said meeting someone at your age who's amazing in all ways without kids is going to be hard so meeting someone now you might be taking on someone else's child in future anyway

I think you should let each other go.

She will hate you forever if you leave it too late for her to find a new partner and have children.

You're absolutely not being selfish. It's just very normal to not want kids, have them, and find yourself awash with gratitude that you took the plunge.

Likewise, there are people who regret having children - you have a few brave sounds who will admit this here from time to time.

This is why I asked if you'd spent time with babies or children.

The only thing wrong is you should have been more blunt upfront and said never as it would have been much easier on both of you then.

This is what's selfish - keeping your GF hanging on. Not whether or not you want children.

She's been upfront with you; you haven't treated her with equal respect & honesty.

I think fear is driving your decisions, rather than rational consideration of a long term future with this woman.

She is being open and upfront about what she wants from a future with you. You, on the other hand, are dragging your feet, stringing her along and leading her right up the garden path, whilst her last remaining fertility window slowly dwindles away.

That is cruel and I guarantee she will come to hate you over time.

You both want different things, so the relationship is dead in the water. You say you want your freedom, but you want to keep her, even though you expect her to give up her dream of a child. That is not realistic. You can't have it both ways.

Finally, if you do decide to compromise, pregnancy might not happen, it might take years, or it might happen immediately. You have to be prepared for either outcome.

Pregnancy can be hard on a relationship, especially for some older women, if there are complications for example. You need to be in a strong, committed relationship to withstand such pressures.

Let her go.

OP, children are wonderful but bloody hard work.
If you do not want them, you do not have to have them.
But you DO have to let this woman go and let her have a baby with somebody else.
If you stay together, her resentment at you for not giving her a child will grow and grow. A maternal desire is strong. It won't go away

Having kids is no picnic. You also need to think what if they were born with health problems/disability? It's surprised me amongst friends how common it is to have a baby/children with quite serious health issues. What I am trying to say is who knows what lies ahead and you need to consider every eventuality?

She right in as much as she is running out of time, and needs to allow for any potential fertility issues to be dealt with. You are also right. Having a child because someone else wants you to is a Very Bad Idea.

Unfortunately she can't just stop wanting a child any more than you can force yourself to want one. Sadly I think that you should both pursue the lives you want, with other people. Otherwise you will just end up hating each other in the end, potentially with a child caught in the middle.

I've asked her that many times. I have said to her, please can we just rent together at first, and then we can commit to a mortgage. Just rent for 6 months, im not asking for 5 years of renting.

I asked her, can we just have a period of time with us two, so that we can do that holiday to Mexico and other things we haven't done as a couple? Instead of rushing into trying for a baby?

She wouldn't budge and said she hasn't the time for any of the above.

You need to let her go.

Its completely unreasonable to continue to waste her time if you feel like this.

Do you want to pay out for the next 18 years for a child you don't want? Then leave. You're being very selfish to stay. This is not a life long love affair here.

I never, ever wanted children. I met my husband when I was 40, he told me he wanted children, I assumed it wouldn't happen because of my age. BUT because I loved him so much, I couldn't imagine my life without him, I didn't want my life without him. So I agreed to try, we now have 2 wonderful children who enhance our lives and give us so much joy.
Don't get me wrong, they are not perfect, and it hasn't all been plain sailing, and sometimes I wish it was just the two of us................. But I wouldn't change a thing.