I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

Don't be ridiculous. This is her life and her life choices. You have strung her along for years and now you need to let her go. Love is not about keeping someone because you want them, it's about helping them achieve the life they want.

I wouldn't do it. It was the 2 splits that did it for me. Having kids is a massive, massive life changer.

If you don't want kids you don't have to have them there's nothing wrong in that.

It's a tough one though as potentially this could be the end of your relationship if you both stick with what your wishes are.

Myself and this woman have not even lived together yet. She wants me to buy a house with her this year, and then start trying for a family within 3 months as " time is not on her side". I am afraid this is moving so fast given we have never lived together before?"

If you're not fully on board with those plans then that's way too fast. If you're already reluctant to have a child, I can't see this rush ending well at all.

Quite honestly, the relationship itself doesn't sound great. It's only been just over a year but you've already split up a few times. You've never lived together. She's making noises about time not being on her side.

It sounds to me like you're not "the one", you're the "I'm desperate for a baby, he'll do". Sorry.

It is perfectly fine to not want children but you don't obfuscate your feelings because you want to trick someone else into a life they don't want. It isn't about love.

We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

You are not meant to be together. This isn't even a serious relationship.

You think you are in love. You are not.

Are you maybe just overthinking what it is to be a parent and feeling overwhelmed by it? I say this as the mum of three boys who's exh didn't do half the stuff on your list and they are very close.
Maybe it is that you just feel a bit rushed....

I know several men whove had fatherhood happen to them when it wasnt what they really wanted, and its usually been ok, although its hard on the relationship.
Not "feeling it" isnt some premonition of doom that you would hate it or not love the child. I really REALLY didnt want my 3rd child and shes the light of my life now.
Lots of people are blasé about children, or dont want them, but it happens and theyre fine.

I think youre wise to seriously think about whether you could cope, and I think your girlfriend is wise and strong to know that she wont get another chance and that if she really wants to do it, then she might need to go it alone. She also sounds very honest and respectful of your choice, while laying her own cards on the table.

Sounds really tough. If you really really love her though, maybe a child wouldnt be so bad? Theres lots to think about

At 37 if she desperately wants to carry a biological child, she really needs to start trying to conceive right now, today - not in a hypothetical medium-term future which may or may not ever happen depending on your eventual decision.
If you are not certain within a week or two of this post that you can get on board with that and be realistically prepared to be a dad this year (or to embark on a TTC journey possibly lasting many years of emotional ups and downs and which will affect your sex life), then you should break up immediately.
If she starts trying to find another partner or have a baby on her own right now then she still has a slim chance of getting her dream, and even if it doesn't work out she can at least know that she gave it her best shot. However, if she stays with you and you don't end up with a baby together because you prevaricated and ended up not trying, then your relationship will fall apart anyway because she will massively resent you for the rest of her life, including every time she sees a baby and even when her peers start having grandchildren.
You definitely do not need to choose to have a child ever if you don't want one, or to have a child in this particular (slightly unstable-sounding) relationship. But you must actually choose that and then stand by it clearly, even at a cost to you, not offer false hope and then later snatch it away.

You've only been together a year and she's dumped you twice and is about to again. You shouldn't be having a kid with her even if you wanted one. Having a child is such a huge, life altering thing and it's totally understandable why it's not for everyone. It's not the 3am feeds, it's the complete lifestyle adjustment and curtailment of freedom that is hard to do, even when you are desperately keen to have them.To go into it barely half heartedly in a newish relationship would be madness.

Thank you.

See what really makes me sad is, me and her have not done any relationship milestones.

We have not lived together.

We have not been on holiday together. We have done one or two weekend breaks only.

I feel as if i appeared in her life at the point where she really wanted a child, and this has intensified this past year.

I do love her and she said the same to me, but she has issued ultimatums to me which seem very rushed, or its over she said. She has said that she will have a child " either with someone or on her own this year " .

it is heartbreaking to me to hear.

You say she is about to bin you over this, that doesn't sound like something someone who is head over heels in love would do, and even though you say you love her you're not on the same page at all, and having a baby together would only exacerbate the weaknesses in your relationship.

Is it that you don't want a baby or that you don't want a baby with her?

You're in a reasonably new, very unstable relationship. You actually want different things. I guarantee this relationship will not last either way. So you have a choice; leave and move on happily, or leave later with a child or more you never really wanted that you won't see much of and will be paying for.

Boogers, i have sat and thought about it a lot, and it is the fact that I just dont have a longing for a child.

If i did, i would have one with her.

Having a child is just something that does not cross my mind day to day. Having a good woman does, but i never feel sad at the thought of not having children.

If you truly love her I would have a baby with her based on this but I do understand your views. My current partner really wants a child with me and I have three and my desire for more is gone and we have no kids together. If I have one it's purely to make him happy and not myself or what I truly want I just hope if we do I love that baby and don't regret it in future.
I'm not very maternal and have three children who I love so much despite me not ever really being maternal or desperately wanting a baby I did it because it is what you do isn't it.
I love my kids to bits now and wouldn't change it but even non maternal people can have kids and love them the same as any other parent.
Hard choices to make

Men like you are actually quite unethical. You say you love her, but you've kept her hanging on, when she is running out of time. You've made it all about you. You sound very selfish.

Women get so much flack for being "selfish" and "leaving it too late" to have children. The real story is that it's emotionally selfish Peter Pan men who won't treat the women they say they love with respect and honesty.

There will be an accident soon, mark my words .... Strokes beard wisely .... Seriously

^ posted too soon. Long term, happy, stable relationships with both people wanting children are sometimes seriously tested and even split up with the stress of children. What chance do you think you stand?

^and what pissed off said.

"I got back with her as i felt so strongly about her"

For goodness sake let her go!

OP its been a year - with 1 splits, you dont live together, you havent been on holiday together and she is willing to bin you immediately over this issue - im sorry but this doesnt sound like a 'forever' relationship. I think your in lust, or the idea of being in love with this woman. Step back and look at your entire relationship and get a little perspective.

its good you had the chat, but then she basically ignored it thinking shes changed your mind anyway so there was little point to it.
There is nothing wrong with you - its how you feel and you need to be with someone who respects that and feels the same or is willing to accept your feelings.

From my own experience - I wanted children, not badly but felt i wanted them. I got with my partner and he made it clear literally from day 1 that he did not and there was no changing his mind. I have never ever been as happy as i am in this relationship, i decided that having kids came second to having a happy fulfilling life with this man, so were still together and now engaged, and i compromised on my desire for children as i knew it wasnt that big an issue for me and havent regretted it for a second.

This is clearly not how she feels so you need to assess your life and decide if your willing to change your mind and make the massive life altering decision to have kids, and regardless then what happens with this relationship you will always have children in common, or stand by your gut feeling of not wanting children and let this relationship go and find someone who feels the same as you. I know its not easy but this isnt something trivial - its a huge decision that you need to look at from all angles and not let your 'love' blind you.

* above should say with 2 splits*!

Stop whining and let her go fgs.

You are not wrong or selfish not to want children. It's a perfectly normal thing to want kids and a perfectly normal thing NOT to want kids. I think you sound as though you have been sensible in addressing this problem, having councilling was a good idea.

You both want separate things in life so it sounds like the best thing to do is to split up although I realize that is easier said than done. You've only been dating a year so whilst it's still difficult it's not as though you've invested too much into the relationship.

In the mean time make sure you are REALLY, REALLY careful bout contraception.

Kids are a huge life changer, I think it would be foolish to have children to please someone else.