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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
Asprilla11 · 24/05/2016 15:37

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

WALK AWAY

P1nkP0ppy · 24/05/2016 15:40

Please stop blathering on ad nauseum op, I'm starting to think it's half-term..........

thank god it's only another 51 posts to go unless he starts again

daydream86 · 24/05/2016 15:40

fuck sake I've heard enough, but aside from the fact your fundamentally incompatible, it's only a bit of piss shit and vomit, it's not that bloody terrifying, we all
do it ffs.

Hydroshield · 24/05/2016 15:41

Just want to speak out for those of us who decided not to have any children to assure other posters that most of us who don't have kids do NOT have such a negative view on children. OP's posts are pathetic.

2nds · 24/05/2016 15:42

Yes user we've established that..... So walk away.

2nds · 24/05/2016 15:44

Hey OP I didn't want a third pregnancy so guess what I did, I got sterilised......

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 24/05/2016 15:44

Fatherhood is not for everybody then.
We are in agreement on this point ^

(44)

Arfarfanarf · 24/05/2016 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 24/05/2016 15:46

NeedAClever Can I just pick you up on something? You said

"What's so great about being childless? When you are an old man and got nothing. No children, no grandchildren just memories of the "good old days". To me that's my idea of hell"

That's fine for you. But there are plenty of childfree (not the same as childless) people who are perfectly happy. Don't suggest that people who don't have children end up with nothing, because there are plenty of parents who don't see their kids or grandkids except perhaps once a month in their nursing home.

I have no problem with trying to talk sense into this idiot - and I tried my best - but let's not descend to his level and do point scoring that parenting is automatically the be all and end all and that those who choose not to do it are all miserable, bitter, unhappy people.

I may be lonely, but I'd rather be that than a parent! I have a perfectly good, rewarding and useful life. A partner would make things better, obviously.

NeedACleverNN · 24/05/2016 15:48

Yes seth I didn't mean to callous about it to people who are happy with their decision.

I was just trying to flip it to him. He keeps muttering about what's so great about having kids? There's shit, piss, vomit etc etc. Reverse it for him would be what's so great about being childless?

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 24/05/2016 15:49

I'm genuinely curious about what you want to hear, OP. It's very odd: the vast majority of posters have effectively agreed with you - you don't want kids, that's fine, not everyone does, you're not a freak, you don't have to force yourself if you don't want to - and yet you don't acknowledge any of those posts.

Instead, you just keep going, 'but but but but but' in the hope of hearing... what?

I don't think it's in anyone's interests to try to persuade you into something as life-changing as parenthood if your heart isn't in it. But please listen to the other unanimous message you don't seem to want to hear: you are genuinely fucking up this woman's life by not giving her a clear and consistent message, and allowing her to move on. She only has 12 chances per year to get pregnant, and perhaps only three or four years left - during which time she also has to find someone else, or make a decision about going it alone. Do you want to be responsible, directly, for her losing out on something she's been very clear to you she wants?

hellsbellsmelons · 24/05/2016 15:50

Fatherhood is not for everybody then
No it isn't and none of us have said anything but this, throughout the thread.
In this case though, it was me, the mother, who couldn't do sick.
Still can't (unless I absolutely have to)

Foofoobum · 24/05/2016 15:51

Course he won't get a vasectomy as either a) he's a bored teen on exam leave trying to troll badly
Or b) he's too delete:manly delete:selfish scared to do the world a favour and ensure he doesn't accidentally breed.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:54

Why have you not had a vasectomy yet? Genuine question.

I have heard that it is apparently quite a painful operation, and that it hurts for a while afterwards.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 24/05/2016 15:54

"He keeps muttering about what's so great about having kids? There's shit, piss, vomit etc etc. "

Does OP never do any of the above himself????

TempusEedjit · 24/05/2016 15:55

Well said DrSeth

sunnyoutside · 24/05/2016 15:56

OP my stbxh had a vasectomy. It took about half an hour and he was good as new within a couple of days though he took a whole week off work

Lumpylumperson · 24/05/2016 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedACleverNN · 24/05/2016 15:59

"He keeps muttering about what's so great about having kids? There's shit, piss, vomit etc etc. "

Does OP never do any of the above himself????

Apparently not cos they are part of his fears Shock

AyeAmarok · 24/05/2016 16:00

So why don't you use condoms then?

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 16:01

" Do you want to be responsible, directly, for her losing out on something she's been very clear to you she wants? "

Never - I would never , ever be able to forgive myself if she lost out.

She has phoned me today, upset that I wont reconsider. I feel terrible and have told her that she needs to go and find what she wants away from me. She told me she loved me very much, which made it worse as i do love her, but i cannot take the guilt if she misses out.

OP posts:
2nds · 24/05/2016 16:02

A vasectomy is a small, straightforward operation. It's a lot easier for you to have a vasectomy than it is to expect any woman to remain on contraceptives for the rest of her fertile days. It's a one off operation and you are in and out of hospital in one day.

Arfarfanarf · 24/05/2016 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

P1nkP0ppy · 24/05/2016 16:03

Seeing you've broken up twice in the year you've known her, it's hardly all love and roses anyway!
Ho hum........

Catvsworld · 24/05/2016 16:04

I think if you really don't and she really dose then you need to part staying in order to try and convince the other person your way is best will only lead to resentment and deep down if you really love her I presume you don't care if that's with yu or Somone else

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