I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

DrSeth, I wonder if your post will do the trick.

I think OP has been feeling ok about continuing to bang on as after all, what would us silly women know? We've never been throoooough what he is going throoooough.

I'd like to see him try his self pity bollocks with you.

Something tells me this really COULD be the end!

Does it matter why some of us want it and some don't ...you DONT there is no need to explain it just move on , I am so glad I am not your friend in rl you would grind me down 😕

I'd be pretty much suicidal if this was me.

Are you always this much of an insensitive twat?

Perhaps he does love her who knows, all I know is he doesn't seem the type of man I'd want to have around if my baby was born with an illness or disability. He comes across as immature, unreliable and self-centred.

Spoke too soon

I think we know the answer to this sunny

More, yes brilliant what he has selected to quote back!

This is like watching someone gorging on strawberries when they know theyre allergic to them.
They love them, really love them, if ONLY they could stop doing whatever it is that makes them so ill.

Maybe if I just eat this bit? Or that bit? Or leave the stem on? While the rest of us are saying "Dude, you and strawberries are NOT GOING TO WORK. Just stop."
"But you don't understand, I really love them! I never used to be allergic, maybe I just need to give it some time, and they'll stop making me react!"

The outcome you WANT is to be able to go back and eat them like you used to, when everything was great. But that time has passed, this is the new reality, and no amount of dithering about with serving suggestions or dipping sauce is going to change that. You used to work, you no longer do. Thats how it is.

storm you have made my day, I have literally just burst out laughing

Op you'd be suicidal if you were single for 4 years? Really? Heck I was single for nearly 10 years and it was brilliant, I did a lot of partying, went on girly holidays with my mates, went on weekends away even sometimes went on holiday by myself. I did whatever I wanted and when I felt the time was right I started looking for Mr Right.

It's turned into self-pitying twaddle, op's not going to change his stance.
I feel very sorry for his girlfriend, he reminds me of my niece's ex......

Sorry Dr Seth , i didnt mean it to sound like that. I just couldnt go that long and wonder how you have not met any women who want to be childfree in 4 years.

Heck I was single for nearly 10 years and it was brilliant, I did a lot of partying, went on girly holidays with my mates, went on weekends away even sometimes went on holiday by myself

That's fun , but not when you are nearly 41 and single.

User it's fun at any age, you said yourself you don't want kids that you want holidays and to play video games, it's like you are saying you want the single life without being single.

See what they mean about you giving mixed messages...

"Because the person you should be asking this off is the woman you think your in love with "

I did ask her, and she reeled off all the Kodak moments :

• playing in the park
• Xmas time
• tea times
• beaches
• family fun

and i said okie dokes, but how about the other 90% of :

• no sleep

-nappies

• vomit
• noise and mess
• no more couple time
• etc etc

She said i was looking at the negatives of family life.

OP I'm in the situation where I never wanted children but have ended up with step children. I struggle every day with being part of a "family" rather than just part of a "couple". It's very nearly broken us up numerous times and I still don't know whether our relationship will survive. I wish I could feel more maternal but I can't and wailing at the unfairness of it all only serves to make me feel worse. However I know that, theoretically at least, I can walk away without a backward glance if it all finally gets too much. If you have a child of your own you won't be able to do that. Believe it or not there are women out there who genuinely don't want kids, I suggest you stop wasting your GF's very precious time and find someone who actually wants the same as you, and free her to do the same.

Wowzers .... I feel like I've lived a life just reading this thread!
Op if you don't make a clean break you might as well just stay together becaus she's not free to find her sperm donor is she? whilst you're still endlessly going round in torturous circles??
It's like Dawson's creek on bad acid

Or think of it this way, OP.

Your girlfriend needs to get to the station by 6pm to get a train.
She hops on a bus and says, 'Does this bus go to the station, please?"
You, the driver, say, 'Yes! I mean, no. I mean, it goes near the station?'
You know for a fact your bus goes round the ring road and then to the dump.
Your girlfriend thinks, 'OK, near the station, that's not ideal, but fuck, it's ten to six, and there are no other buses at the stop. I'll see if I can make the bus stop near the station, or maybe persuade the driver to do a little detour*'
You set off, drive tantalisingly near the station but then veer off towards the ring road.
It's now five to six. Your girlfriend is panicking.
'IS THIS BUS GOING TO THE STATION?' she bellows from the back seat.
'Yeah, sure,' you lie cheerfully. 'I mean, maybe? Actually, no, it's going to the dump. But the dump's great! It's got recycling bins and everything.'
'But I need to go to the station!' she wails. 'I'm catching a plane! I have a new job starting on Monday and it's my dream job!'
'Ah, come on,' you say, as the station disappears from view in the mirrors. 'Have you not considering the dump?'
It's now one minute to six.
'I think I should get off this bus,' says your girlfriend. 'I need to get off, let me off.'
'OK,' you say, pushing her luggage out of the window. 'I'll let you off. But let's just have a look at the compost heap? You might like it.'
Your girlfriend sits stony-faced in the back seat as the last train leaves the station and she is stuck on your bus FOREVER doing laps of the ring road.

TL; DR Your girlfriend has a train to catch. LET HER GET TO THE STATION.

*NB Your girlfriend is also an idiot for not taking a hint.

"you don't want kids that you want holidays "

Yes, but with a child free woman, not on my own.

OP, book a vasectomy this afternoon then you can stop the agnst'ing and your ex (?) can make up her own mind about what to do without you risking bringing an unwanted child into the world. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting a child but there is everything wrong with your shall I/shan't i fannying around. It's time to man up and make a decision. You and your ex both sound very weak willed and immature.

Stop ratting off the 90% shit and 10% Kodak bullshit

Being a parent is 100% worth it. The good and the bad.

What's so great about being childless?
When you are an old man and got nothing. No children, no grandchildren just memories of the "good old days"

To me that's my idea of hell. To that woman that's HER idea of hell

"Heck I was single for nearly 10 years and it was brilliant, I did a lot of partying, went on girly holidays with my mates, went on weekends away even sometimes went on holiday by myself"

OP - What do you mean by you went on 'girly holidays'?