I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

sunny was being sarcastic forgot my

Also love the quote

I think your problem is right there in the Why is this happening to me?

It's not happening to you independently. You do actually have some input into decisions over your own life - it's not been badly scripted by the BBC like the Archers at the moment.

• Nappies
• Vomit
• Mess
• No more sleep
• No more sex
• No more holidays or travel
• No more weekend breaks
• No more hobbies
• No more restaurants
• No more drinking
• No more video games
• No more disposable income
• No more alone time
• No more lie ins
• No more free weekends

Of course there will be nappies, sleepless nights and some vomit. This will not last forever though.

If you are wealthy you could hire a nanny to be with the child when you do those things like restaurants and hobbies, but a mother usually wants to spend time with her baby.

The wealthier you are, the less stress you get from having a baby or young child, as those extra pair of hands pick up the slack.

Nobody knows what type of a mum they'll be before a baby arrives or how much it changes your life.

You just need to realise you both have strong desires regarding kids. End of story and time to exit.

Kittens Don't worry, I got how you meant it I am just trying to do a million things at once so probably didn't make it cl;ear - because, you know I have children - which apparently means that the pleasure i get from my 2yr old ended about an hour after he woke at 7 this morning (5%-95% ratio) so I am just trying to soldier on through the misery he is forcing upon me until he goes to bed

^^^ What she said

And that's my "sitting on the fence" version.

I wouldn't be allowed to post what I actually think of you.

Nobody says it doesn't hurt. It hurts a lot .

Thank you Arf and Arf. You understand, someone does.

" This is happening to you because you were a selfish nasty bastard who met a woman, and when she said straight from the outset that she wanted children very soon and she wasn't willing to compromise on that, you led her on for over a year, getting you both drawn further into the relationship and meaning the ultimate hurt on both of you was a hundred times worse. "

Oh get lost Ayeamarok. I fell in love with her. you know, LOVE?

After following and lurking for a while, I feel I should at least contribute one comment to bring this on to its natural end... How many posts to go?

Leave! Clean break. No calls.

LOL sunny

I thought nah she got it and also thought someone else might not

Be brave, and look forward to the next hour of happiness tomorrow at 7!

I wish I could be that unhappy! I would do pretty much anything for sleepless nights, vomit and anything else that comes with a tiny human! And this OP is why you shouldn't have a child!

And I hope you don't break up with her via text on your sofa, because you wouldn't want the bad memories

Sorry about the breakup of your relationship - but you know you have done the right thing. You shouldn't have a child you don't want - not fair on the child (or you). You should allow her to have her chance at having children - she will strongly resent you if you don't. (A friend of mine desparately wanted children, but stayed with her girlfriend who was adamant she didn't. It broke her heart, and they split up anyway - by this time my friend was too old to have kids....). It hurts now, but I hope you both end up with the lives you want.

I would do pretty much anything for sleepless nights, vomit and anything else that comes with a tiny human

Kittens

OP I've seen it all now, if sunnysideout wanted kids that badly that every day there was an ache deep inside her that was never going to go away and he kept saying he didn't want kids then yes she did need to walk away from him.

The desire to have children can be so strong it can be all you ever think about, it's in your head first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Every time you see a young family, every time you hear of a friend's happy news, Gees every time you switch the bloody TV on there it is staring you in the face.

You are 40, you say you do not want kids and really there is no reason for you to even keep this thread going. No woman should ever be made to stay with a man who puts himself before her needs. You don't want kids, she does so let her go. FYI you've never had a kid so stop telling her your 5% 95% Bull crap, how do you know when you've never had that experience?

The only reason she's calling you now is because despite your very clear message to us regarding your preference for unfettered access to video games over the privilege of making and guiding a human life, you've been giving her very mixed messages - 'I don't want kids... but I'll have unprotected sex with you.' 'I don't want kids... but if you got pregnant I'd stand by you.' 'I don't want kids... but I loooooooovvveee yooooooouuuu.'

Again, if you love her YOU'LL CUT ALL CONTACT and leave her to get on with her life. Love often means putting someone else's happiness ahead of your own - if you can't do that then parenthood definitely isn't for you.

User

I'm going to say this as a man who doesn't want children. Has never wanted children. Never will want children. Has known that since he was very young and is now 42.

I have had three relationships fail because I don't want children. In two cases, the women concerned assumed I would change my mind. I didn't. In each case, after several years, they left. In one case, I "clearly didn't love her because if I did I would change my mind and give her a child". I replied "a child is not like a television and by the same token I could say you don't love me because if you did you would change your mind and not have a child!" The third woman originally said she never wanted children but her mind changed. Mine didn't, so we parted ways. That one, at least, was amicable, although it hurt, of course.

In all cases I was 100% up front about my stance. I won't go beyond a second date with someone without explaining this because it's caused enough problems in the past. If I hear the words "surely you'd change your mind for the right woman" ever again, it will be too soon.

I have been single for the last 6 years and haven't even had a date in 4. Am I lonely? Yes, too fucking right I am. But I never led anyone to believe I might change my mind. I was never anything but honest. I ever had "withdrawal sex". I never wallowed in self pity.

Your case is totally different to mine. You behaved appallingly. Your self-pitying and statements on this thread are contemptuous because it is totally self-inflicted. You KNEW she wanted children and more than once you strung her along when you could have been honest. It's got fuck all to do with love but being a selfish deceitful arse.

Now go and lick your wounds somewhere else.

Thank you sunny

just wanted to have one last attempt at trying to make the OP realise a tiny ounce of what the woman he "loves" feels!

106 to go!

I know more I am off to bang my head against a wall I have done this a lot today maybe this is why I'm optimistic

" I would do pretty much anything for sleepless nights, vomit and anything else that comes with a tiny human "

But can you explain why? Surely if it is so amazing, everybody would want it?

Why would you endure all that for a tiny human?

Including me?

"I have been single for the last 6 years and haven't even had a date in 4 "

I'd be pretty much suicidal if this was me.

101 messages to go

Yes I can explain why, I absoulety can but to you I will not.

Because the person you should be asking this off is the woman you think your in love with.