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Original poster

I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

1005 replies

user1462882883 · 10/05/2016 13:33

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

OP posts:
MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 24/05/2016 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:20

If you have a child of your own you won't be able to do that.

She said i will love the child as it will be mine and hers.

Will i though? When i don't want a child. That is what kills me too.

OP posts:
cbigs · 24/05/2016 15:22

AAAAAAGGGgHHHGGHGH!!!
The repetition!!! Make it stop!!! It's like a car crash in slow motion but I just can't look away ... ConfusedSadConfusedSadConfused

2nds · 24/05/2016 15:22

User your list does not equate to 90% of life with a baby. Yes they are hard work but your figures are way off and your list is negative negative negative.

I remember so many occasions with our first baby where her poo would just explode all over either me or him (usually me), and it never ceased to have us in stitches. All those sleepless nights are long gone and my youngest is only 2 years old (she slept right through from about 4 months old).

No couple time, really? Get baby into a routine and couple time can return. The negatives you list only stick around for a short while. Video games will still be around when baby is older so you and baby can in fact play them Together, our eldest will be able to beat her daddy at the likes of Mario Kart or whatever in the next few years. Honestly your negatives are not worth worrying about

2nds · 24/05/2016 15:24

Asprilla he was quoting me, it was me that went on girly hols

AyeAmarok · 24/05/2016 15:26

Becky Grin Grin Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 24/05/2016 15:26
  • no sleep
This depends on the baby. My DD was sleeping through at 3 months old from 7-7. She was a perfect baby and so so good.
  • nappies
Yes - otherwise they would shit all over you and your house.
  • vomit
Sometimes - not often. And I don't do sick so it was my ExH who had to take the slack on that and my wonderful DD learnt from a very young age to get to the toilet quick sharp.
  • noise and mess
It's best noise and mess you can ever imagine. The paint all over their faces and arms and legs. The laughter of playing and having and fun. My DD is 18 now but when I'm in the garden I love it when kids are in neighbouring gardens having fun and laughing. They do that a lot you know!!?? It's the best sound!
  • no more couple time
Why not? Do you not have any support close by? My mum and dad and my MIL and FIL were fantastic (and MIL and FIL were 250 miles away) We had at least 2 long weekends a year away to have some adult time. We made sure we didn't lose that. The grandparents relish the time they can take their grandchild off your hands for a night. There are also such things as nanny's a babysitters
TempusEedjit · 24/05/2016 15:26

Think of how many men (and it is usually the men) who have minimal contact with/provide minimal support for their children in the event of separating with their partner. My own father didn't particulalrly like me or my brother. Biological ties are no guarantee of love. Why take the risk if you're already as sure as you can be that children are not for you?

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:27

"I remember so many occasions with our first baby where her poo would just explode all over either me or him (usually me), and it never ceased to have us in stitches "

Terrified of this.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/05/2016 15:27

*"you don't want kids that you want holidays "

Yes, but with a child free woman, not on my own.*

Well this is progress. Find a childfree woman then - one that has made that choice. Not your ex.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:28

" Biological ties are no guarantee of love. Why take the risk if you're already as sure as you can be that children are not for you? "

This terrifies me too, and there is no turning back once the baby arrives.

OP posts:
Asprilla11 · 24/05/2016 15:28

2nds - Ah I see, I thought I'd rumbled him as fake account Grin

Asprilla11 · 24/05/2016 15:31

OP - I'm 36 and there's no way in the world I'd act or even write like that and I'm very much a big kid at heart. I'm sorry but I just don't believe you're 40, I really don't.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/05/2016 15:31

Oh and the mess they can make in a kitchen when baking with you, whilst standing on something to reach the counter, is fabulous!!!
Messy fun is the best by miles!

NeedACleverNN · 24/05/2016 15:31

Why is this still going?!!!

She wants a kid, you don't.

End off

Walk the fuck away

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:32

i'm 41 in August and she is 38 in September.

I thought we were perfect for each other as did she.

I dont know where to turn now. She keeps trying to phone me.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:33

" Oh and the mess they can make in a kitchen when baking with you, whilst standing on something to reach the counter, is fabulous!!! "

If you want kids, then yes its good.

If you dont want kids, you dont want the mess.

OP posts:
2nds · 24/05/2016 15:33

Well if you are 'terrified' of a baby pooing on you which WILL happen, there's your answer let her go. Baby pooing on you is a tiny little inconvenience in amongst the first few months of the most amazing experience ever. Let her go and have those wonderful funny, loving moments with a man who wants those moments too.

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:34

" it was my ExH who had to take the slack on that "

See? Fatherhood is not for everybody then.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/05/2016 15:35

I dont know where to turn now. She keeps trying to phone me.

Because you are not behaving like you are certain. You're acting like your opinion could be changed, so she's trying to change your opinion. Until you show that children are not an option and stop offering her false hope, she will continue to try.

If you get it out of the way, you'll both start to feel better. At the moment, you're both picking at the wound.

KittensandKnitting · 24/05/2016 15:35

OMG, stop rattling on about 90% this and that...

She wants a child, her reasons are her reasons.

You do not want a child, your reasons are your reasons.

Both allowed
Not compatible with each other.

Having a child does not mean you will love it. There are so many children in care, so many children who's parents walk out on them.

Get a vasectomy.
Walk away

If this was RL I would be asking you to get two drinks and pour poison in one and I would not care which one I ended up with!

God knows why's she is still going on about it and not moving on, your either giving her false hope or she's just as bad as you!

WALK AWAY

Original poster
user1462882883 · 24/05/2016 15:35

"Well if you are 'terrified' of a baby pooing on you which WILL happen, "

Yes this is something i dont want to happen to me.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 24/05/2016 15:37

I give up. Going to hide the thread now

I'd get more sense out of a brick wall

hellsbellsmelons · 24/05/2016 15:37

Ignore her.
Send one last text stating
'I'm not going to change my mind so I'm never going to want children. I love you enough to know that you want that and I understand that. I would never want to stand in your way of that so you need to get out there and find someone who has the same wants and desires as you do for children. Sadly, that is not me. So it's best we part ways now and not prolong the agony. I love you and I know I have to let you go. Bye and all the best for your future happiness, I hope you get everything you ever wanted'

Yeah it's crap but people break up all the time.
It takes time but we get on with it and get over it.
For now, fake it 'til you make it!

AyeAmarok · 24/05/2016 15:37

Why have you not had a vasectomy yet? Genuine question.

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