last night it all went wrong

[MrsRWilliams]

I've name changed for this as I have personal friends on mn who know my regular name.

I'll start by saying that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I also suffer with acute anxiety disorder, occasional depression and complex trauma syndrome, and also ptsd. I have seen therapist after therapist and don't feel I've gained anything at all from any of them. I'm also on medication, which means that if I drink too much I can become easily confused.

I've recently come through two years of cancer treatment, including 18mths of chemo, over 10 surgeries, and several infections which caused me to be hospitalised.

I had a bloody shit upbringing, was physically and emotionally abused as a child/teen, raped by someone I knew when I was 16, and in an abusive relationship for 7 years before I met dh.

Dh and I have been together for over 15yrs and have 4dcs, aged from toddler to tween. I'm being deliberately vague in case I'm outed.

So anyway, when dh and I got together at first, he was very untrusting, always convinced I was lying to him about where I'd been and who with. He was occasionally aggressive - shoved me and held me down, punched things and threatened me, but after counselling, and me basically saying if it happened again I would leave, he stopped. He got his temper under control and had never again in 15yrs did it again.

Until last night. I got (inexcusably) drunk, and my friend came round who was also drunk. DH had been out earlier in the night so went to bed. My friend decided she wanted a cigarette so we walked round to her house (5 min away), but lost track of time so I was away for about two hours. When I got home DH was furious, demanding to know where the fuck I'd been, and for some reason, a combination of defiance and too much to drink I think, all I would say was "with friends". He thought I was lying (I have never, ever cheated on him or given him reason to mistrust me) and just got angrier and angrier until eventually he grabbed me hard by the wrist and smacked me about the face and head until I just curled in a ball and begged him to stop.

I've woken today to a badly bruised and swollen wrist, a lump and bruise above my temple and a massive bruise on the bridge of my nose.

DH is distraught today, can't believe what he has done. He has begged me to forgive him and sworn he will never touch me again. I have said I've forgiven him, but I just can't shake how upset I am by it. I know I'm horrible to live with, and I know I've put him through hell in recent years.

I always said if he lifted his hands to me then I'd leave, but he has sworn that he would never do anything like that ever again and I want to believe him. Could it just have been a momentary loss of temper? I love him so much and the dcs adore him.

Can anyone tell me they've got past something like this? I also know that I need to address my issues with alcohol.

Sorry for the essay. Oh and I'm in another Timezone, which is why I'm posting at this time. Thank you if you've read this far.

First things first, you've been the victim of a violent assault, report it to the police ASAP. Secondly, get the hell out of there and go somewhere safe.

Lovely, you're minimising. It doesn't matter how difficult you are to live with, there is no excuse for violence.

Call the police now and get them around to your house - now.

Have him arrested and removed and get yourself legal advice.

I loved my partner so very very much but I did it. It's been several months now and with the support of professionals I've been able to see there was a lot more abuse than I had realised.

Your upbringing has caused you to not truly know what a normal relationship is. It's completely blurred your boundaries and that's not your fault but you need to take action.

There are 4 children with you and they deserve to be brought up in a home that is free from abuse.

If he is as great as you say he is normally then surely last night his behaviour will have scared him and he will want to give you space, firstly, for him to get help for the way he reacted (he should be proactive about this not you) and secondly so you can get help and support that you need.

If he wants to stay at home then I tentatively suggest his apology and promises are nothing more than a plea to brush over it.

to you. You have had a lot to deal with. But this is another step in an already downward spiral. I'm sure he believes it when he says he didn't mean it. He won't mean it the next time it happens either.

I'm scared to phone the police. I have no family or rl support in this country, and I don't want to take the dc's daddy away from them.

He is really truly upset by what he has done, and I keep thinking, if it's been 15 years without aggression, and I've been a total fucker to him for so long, maybe he just lost it.

I will speak to him about some sort of anger therapy which I'm pretty certain he would agree to.

Please don't think badly of me for being so weak willed.

I have no family. You can do it.

Abusers ARE really and truly upset - it's called 'hoovering' and it's part of the cycle.

The DVs are living in an abusive household. I don't know which country you are living in but if it's got a social services like the UK what could eventually end up happening is your children are taken because you are putting your abusive partner before them.

Living in an abusive household really and truly messes children up (it messed you up - and there's no judgment in that statement on you and the effect the abuse you suffered)

Please, put your children and yourself first and call the police

I think you should separate. He's abusive (has been since the start, I don't believe he hasn't been controlling and abusive over the last 15 years, just that you haven't perceived it as such) and you are an alcoholic which must be horrendous for him at times. It's a toxic combination. Last night will happen again.

But if he is really upset by his actions then surely he will want to give you the space whilst you all get the help and support you need?

Why are you going to ask him about anger therapy? Does he have previous anger issues? Shouldn't he be looking into that himself?

Phone Womens Aid, you don't have to give your name but just ask their advice (though if you are like me you will downplay his role and tell them it is all your fault)

I hate to sound harsh, particularly on such a sensitive issue, but in your OP you're already making excuses for him. He was violent to you, he's been violent before, he will almost definitely be violent again and you appear to be suggesting that because you've been difficult over the last couple of years through cancer treatment you owe him? You don't. You owe your children a home life and role model free from violence.

I don't think badly of you, I have been where you are.

Think of it this way - he smacked you about the head:

He could have killed you.

What would happen to your DC then?

I agree with PP that the 2 of you are a dangerous combination and it will happen again. You need to protect yourself and your children and accept that the violence is not normal or excusable.

You sound like me when I was drinking - I am now in recovery via AA and it has changed my life.

I don't know how to express how much contacting the police terrifies me. It will break him. It will break the children. I read threads similar to this all the time and scream at my phone "JUST PHONE THE FUCKING POLICE ALREADY", but I'm just so so petrified. He could just tell them I'm a fucked up alcoholic anyway and then neither of us will be able to keep the dcs. I feel useless and hopeless and disgusted with myself.

It may take another 15 years but it will happen again and you'll live with the fear that it might every single day. You may also moderate your behaviour in the hope that you can stop it happening. This is domestic abuse. No if or buts and it's never a one off.

I'm sure there will be domestic abuse/violence services in your country and I truly believe that you should Google them and speak to them. If your H is really sorry then he will fully support you contacting the police and him being punished for what he has done. Anything else is minimising that what he did to you isn't a truly awful thing. Please get some help so your children don't grow up to either accept this (as you do) or inflict this kind of pain on another human being (as your H does).

You are doing the whole "he's learned his lesson, he's shocked, he's so sorry"
That's what I did and ended up with a fractured skull and a premature baby caused by a beating.
Even if this is as you say "a one off" it's still extremely imprtant to react appropriately.
Can u call womens aid to talk it through?
He needs to at least move out and get some therapy and you really need to address all your issues too.
Ive had cancer and it dies leave you a bit fucked up but it's perfectly possible to come out the other side a balanced person.

If he was really upset he would leave and seek help for himself. If he is staying and just 'being upset' the likelihood is this is the cycle of abuse and next time he abuses you he will tell you 'you pushed me into it with your behaviour'.

Being in a relationship does not mean you should have to account for all of your time. He knows you were with your friend, he got angry and aggressive because you didn't follow his rules.

Your drinking is likely worse because you have jumped from one 7 year long abusive relationship to another 15 year one.

You may be an alcoholic but if you engage with services and show you're making changes you will not lose your children.

If all of this carries on you likely will lose them.

What if one of the children had woken, come downstairs and gotten in the middle of the fight?

Calling the police is not what will break the family or the DC btw. He is breaking the family by being abusive. By bruising the dc's mother's face and don't be under the illusion that they don't know what is going on. If he wants a chance to become non-abusive, you want a chance to tackle your problematic relationship with alcohol and you don't want your children to end up in your position - in one abusive relationship after another, you need to separate and to tackle this via the proper channels.

I don't think this is about breaking the DC or him it is about fear of facing up to reality TBH. That's quite normal. You need to find some support from whatever services are available where you are to support women in abusive relationships and that will help give you strength to go to the police IMO.

Him being an abuser is not your fault. You seem to think your alcohol consumption is causing his behaviour. He is the abuser, no amount of counselling or anger management will change that. You need to see a doctor today and you need to report him to the police. He could have killed you.

Is anyone willing to hold my hand until I'm ready to contact the police. I know it's what I have to do, but my anxiety is horrific right now, and I just don't feel physically able. I know that me and the dcs are perfectly safe right now, I'm not putting them in danger - if I thought for a minute he was a threat to them then I'd be gone. I'm sorry, I'm fucking pathetic.

I just googled to find out what hoovering is and found this interesting page:

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering

It says in the very last line:

"If the hoovering was preceded by acts of violence towards you, a child, or a pet, get advice from a Domestic Violence service immediately."

That seems like good advice and falls short of calling the police.

Since you and your dh really do value one another, I wondered if you could both go together to a domestic violence service and ask for help together?

If he was really upset he would leave and seek help for himself. If he is staying and just 'being upset' the likelihood is this is the cycle of abuse

Yes yes and again yes.

We can all do things we are ashamed of. We can all make mistakes unless that is just me but how you deal with the aftermath is what sets you apart from an abuser and someone who is crying out for help and does something they never thought they would do and will go to Nth degree to ensure it doesn't happen again.

A few years ago someone I knew died. It wasn't dv but an attack in the street. It wasn't a particularly hard hit nor was it the hit that killed him but it did cause him to lose his balance, fall and hit his head on the kerb which ended his life. The point is that it was mostly unfortunate but the man who hit him is still responsible for his death. When your husband attacked you last night you could have fallen the same way. Every time anyone uses violence they take that risk that they could end someone's life. Please report this for your sake for your children's sake. Don't worry about your relationship with alcohol all SS would do would be to provide you with support to recover.

You are not pathetic.

This is difficult and recognising what you need to do is the first step so well done. Now you need to try and manage your anxiety in order to be able to actually do it.

How would you feel about calling domestic violence services?

He IS a threat to them - if not physically then certainly emotionally.

My hand is here for you.

I am about to leave to hand over my youngest to ExP - he hates me because of me calling the police and blames me entirely. I still love him and it hurts that he couldn't step up to the plate and own his actions but our home is so much calmer and more pleasant without him here. My eldest is suffering the effects of his abuse.

Don't let your children live in an abusive household.

You CAN do this

My mother stayed with a violent man. My childhood self begs you not to do the same.