last night it all went wrong

[MrsRWilliams]

I've name changed for this as I have personal friends on mn who know my regular name.

I'll start by saying that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I also suffer with acute anxiety disorder, occasional depression and complex trauma syndrome, and also ptsd. I have seen therapist after therapist and don't feel I've gained anything at all from any of them. I'm also on medication, which means that if I drink too much I can become easily confused.

I've recently come through two years of cancer treatment, including 18mths of chemo, over 10 surgeries, and several infections which caused me to be hospitalised.

I had a bloody shit upbringing, was physically and emotionally abused as a child/teen, raped by someone I knew when I was 16, and in an abusive relationship for 7 years before I met dh.

Dh and I have been together for over 15yrs and have 4dcs, aged from toddler to tween. I'm being deliberately vague in case I'm outed.

So anyway, when dh and I got together at first, he was very untrusting, always convinced I was lying to him about where I'd been and who with. He was occasionally aggressive - shoved me and held me down, punched things and threatened me, but after counselling, and me basically saying if it happened again I would leave, he stopped. He got his temper under control and had never again in 15yrs did it again.

Until last night. I got (inexcusably) drunk, and my friend came round who was also drunk. DH had been out earlier in the night so went to bed. My friend decided she wanted a cigarette so we walked round to her house (5 min away), but lost track of time so I was away for about two hours. When I got home DH was furious, demanding to know where the fuck I'd been, and for some reason, a combination of defiance and too much to drink I think, all I would say was "with friends". He thought I was lying (I have never, ever cheated on him or given him reason to mistrust me) and just got angrier and angrier until eventually he grabbed me hard by the wrist and smacked me about the face and head until I just curled in a ball and begged him to stop.

I've woken today to a badly bruised and swollen wrist, a lump and bruise above my temple and a massive bruise on the bridge of my nose.

DH is distraught today, can't believe what he has done. He has begged me to forgive him and sworn he will never touch me again. I have said I've forgiven him, but I just can't shake how upset I am by it. I know I'm horrible to live with, and I know I've put him through hell in recent years.

I always said if he lifted his hands to me then I'd leave, but he has sworn that he would never do anything like that ever again and I want to believe him. Could it just have been a momentary loss of temper? I love him so much and the dcs adore him.

Can anyone tell me they've got past something like this? I also know that I need to address my issues with alcohol.

Sorry for the essay. Oh and I'm in another Timezone, which is why I'm posting at this time. Thank you if you've read this far.

And could you go and have the injuries documented with the GP?

It's quite disturbing..If you take your dcs and leave ,will the dcs be better off with you ?can you honestly say you wouldn't want to wander off for 5 minutes ending up away for 2 hours?
Also I think big part in whole situation is the time when you started drinking. Was it due to relationship problems or health issues? Be honest with yourself!
Really and truly don't think you should live on your own with dcs.
It might be an option for you to go away alone ,face your demons on your own and sort yourself out . That is providing your dh is good father and not violent to the kids.
I'm sceptical about ever having good relationship with your DH as he seems paranoic..Does he smoke weed by any chance?

You are not pathectic. You have been through a lot. Please respect yourself, nobody is perfect, nobody, you didn't deserve to be hit. I hope you are ok, take deep breaths, as deep as you can, may sound a bit wanky but it does work to calm you down, is there anybody at all you can call?

As Rick says, exactly. You are not pathetic. God woman you have been through so much! You did not deserve that at all. Call the police. He's a total bastard. You need to get angry. How would you feel if a total stranger had done that to you? Neither a stranger or him have that right, at all. Call the police.

So the way to deal with an alcoholic is to beat them up?

Princess, this is exactly how I feel. I have been given another chance (possibly) and I'm wasting it daily. No wonder DH is exasperated and angry with me. I'm a fucking car crash.

Someone who is self medicating with alcohol due to the pain of past and present abuse stands virtually zero chance of dealing with problematic drinking whilst living with an abuser princess....

I cannot believe you just said 'the real issue' is the op's relationship with alcohol.

She doesn't have MH problems per se, she has poorly treated, self medicated issues from lifelong trauma...

The real issue is the violence. You seem to be implying that by leaving the OP was neglecting her DC but the father was there even if he was asleep. Have you perhaps considered that 15 years with a controlling and abusive man can cause mh issues and resorting to drink. It is entirely possible that once the trigger is removed ie him the OP will flourish.

Actually cannot believe someone would genuinely in 2016 be so poorly educated on sexism and issues of abuse against women/girls...

Or that grown women still call themselves 'princess' TBH...

Seriously you have no clue exactly how damaging your comments are in perpetuating the OP's situation by supporting her h's view that it's ok to abuse her because she is mental and an alcoholic...

Gives me the rage...

The real issue! So when the husband was violent with an obviously vulnerable woman at the beginning of their relationship, the real issue was that op had mh problems, was it?
And now the real issue is that she has a drink problem?
As for "life/God" giving OP a second chance so she shouldn't waste it drinking, I'm speechless ( nearly). This is real life, people get damaged and hurt by hard, hard life experiences. It's not fucking Hollywood.
OP. you need good support, you've had such a difficult hand in life dealt to you. Not blame and certainly not violence. So glad you've looked for support here, now you need to find some in real life.

It may well be as you suggest Baroness
But the reality of situation is OP is not a good parent until she sorts alcohol and MH issues (posttraumatic etc) so it's not a good idea to go with the kids solo at this moment of time.

Op - being exasperated and angry, feeling let down and worried and scared for you all fine.

Expecting you to report to him about your whereabouts and who you are with and then beating you up if you don't follow his rules is really really not fine.

Yes, you have issues. You have a normal response to shitty things that have happened to you that includes some maladaptive coping mechanisms that may put your children at increased risk BUT you can deal with those, he is an abuser who feels entitled to control you and to use physical violence against you when you don't comply. You will stand a much better chance and so will the children if you don't live with him.

Please don't let princess's post add to your self blame OP. I expect you've had other people blaming you all your life for their bad treatment of you. I'll bet they claimed you "made them do it.".

Please listen to the helpful, intelligent posts and care for yourself. You did nothing to deserve violence - or his lack of trust either now or earlier in your relationship. Let alone even earlier abuse from others. None of it was your fault.

You are NOT a fuck up. Don't listen to princess. Look, I don't know you or your husband or family, but if I were to take a wild old stab in the dark I would say you have plenty of demons that you struggle with, and you try and deal with them by having a drink, That is not a crime, it may not be the best thing for you, but you do not deserve to be hit for it, you simply don't. What you need is support to work through what has happened to you and to find and respect yourself. Feeling guilty WILL not help you, do not heap any more coals on your head. We ALL make mistakes, that is ok, it is part of being human, part of life, it is unavoidable. You do NOT deserve to be hit, you deserve compassion, and you certainly have mine.

And when you are living with an abuser clearly and obviously having therapy to deal with issues you believe are historic is not going to be successful.

Leaving will give therapy a much greater chance of success and needs to include your relationship with current abusive h in order to stand a better chance of working.

Actually we don't know what sort of parent the OP is. For all we know she absolutely prioritizes the DC when she needs to. Last night however she didn't need to so her parenting can not be judged on that.

He wasn't exasperated with you. He wanted to know where you had been and demanding an answer while you were still drunk. He repeatedly hit a doubly vulnerable person.

I also made an ultimatum at the start of my relationship with exH, after one event. He assaulted me also after more than 10 years,although in fact the abuse was there. Do you know how long it was until he attacked me again, even with a new ultimatum and him saying it wouldn't happen again?
One month.
This is what you're looking at. Another series of attacks because he realised that you didn't really mean the ultimatum.
(I did the second time, though)

Please get now and do protect your children from ever witnessing or suffering his physical abuse.

Before you consider the effects on him, think about the effects of abuse on you and the children. Think about how much he doesn't care for you.

Princess - go an educate yourself about dysfunctional families and domestic violence. Please.

OP - do not listen.

You have zero chance of getting your alcohol issues under control without engaging the help of the police, a lawyer, social services and other agencies.

Call the police

And, btw, what is not a good idea for people with MH issues and alcohol issues is to try and sort them with an abuser at home.
That is the last thing you should do.

Yes OP, you are strong enough to do this. Yes, you need to get help with your drinking. Yes, you need to get away from the man who assaulted you. Think about the life you will be choosing for yourself if you don't do both those things. Think about the lives you will be choosing for your children. I can hear how scary this is. But you have done scary things before, and you can do this now.

Yes, exactly. Problematic drinking to self medicate trauma is not good for the OP or for the children but if it is simply a case of saying she would be gone for 5 mins, getting talking and being gone for 2 hours WHILE HER HUSBAND IS AT HOME, it is not crap parenting.

Loads of people who do not self medicate with alcohol do that kind of thing. The normal response to it would be to be irritated and explain it's inconsiderate not beat the person up.

It's that the op is clearly self medicating with alcohol that is concerning not what she described doing last night. If you remove one of the reasons for self-medicating (a violent controlling husband) and seek help for maladaptive coping mechanisms and therapy for dealing with ALL the abuse whilst not in a state of cognitive dissonance then the risk to the DC is gone.

The op is not drinking because she believes it is the right way to be, she is drinking because therapeutic support has not been successful in the past and she is self medicating. Her h believes that he is entitled to control people and hit them when they don't comply - which is difficult or impossible to solve.

You didn't push him to the edge. Drinking, losing track of time, not being at home = none of those are things that should result in physical attacks.

If we remove the blame for a minute, though, as you're struggling with it, the facts are that he assaulted you so badly last night that you've got numerous bruises. For whatever reason, his response to any feelings that he doesn't like towards you - jealousy, frustration, annoyance - is violent. For that reason, you need help. He may not have ever been violent before, but once it's happened once, it's so much easier to happen again. It's never a one off unless action is taken to separate the offender.

For now you need to report this so he can get help, you can get help, and the children will be helped in an age appropriate way. Don't normalise this for them. No one will take your children because you got drunk whilst another capable adult was around.

He's sorry now, but he could be the most sorry person in the world and it'll mean less than nothing when he's next annoyed and has that urge to beat you. He'd probably be very sorry after that, too. Now the impulse control is gone, he cannot keep you safe around him. You cannot be safe around him.

There are all sorts of issues going on here, the welfare of the children is the most important thing and vital to that is looking at parenting capacity.

The op has mentioned certain things that may adversely affect her parenting capacity and that is a fact. It looks like the partner is a protective factor when it comes to the children.

It is not as straightforward as you all think for the OP to just call the police owing to other factors, the call will trigger a SS investigation and they will look at parenting capacity between the two parents and you don't know which way they will lean.

Life is sometimes grey.

And you can all shoot me down but 15 years of no violence in what seems to be a dysfunctional set up is very good but not normal which I appreciate.

The fact he has not done anything in that time suggests a strong degree of recovery and demonstration that he regretted his actions at the time.

Life just isn't as simple for some as it is for others, it would truly be great if op could have a miraculous recovery but if that is not truly possible in the short term then she requires certain suppose that the system just does not provide.

very afraid & runs off for body armour

OP, who's taken care of the children so far?