last night it all went wrong

[MrsRWilliams]

I've name changed for this as I have personal friends on mn who know my regular name.

I'll start by saying that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I also suffer with acute anxiety disorder, occasional depression and complex trauma syndrome, and also ptsd. I have seen therapist after therapist and don't feel I've gained anything at all from any of them. I'm also on medication, which means that if I drink too much I can become easily confused.

I've recently come through two years of cancer treatment, including 18mths of chemo, over 10 surgeries, and several infections which caused me to be hospitalised.

I had a bloody shit upbringing, was physically and emotionally abused as a child/teen, raped by someone I knew when I was 16, and in an abusive relationship for 7 years before I met dh.

Dh and I have been together for over 15yrs and have 4dcs, aged from toddler to tween. I'm being deliberately vague in case I'm outed.

So anyway, when dh and I got together at first, he was very untrusting, always convinced I was lying to him about where I'd been and who with. He was occasionally aggressive - shoved me and held me down, punched things and threatened me, but after counselling, and me basically saying if it happened again I would leave, he stopped. He got his temper under control and had never again in 15yrs did it again.

Until last night. I got (inexcusably) drunk, and my friend came round who was also drunk. DH had been out earlier in the night so went to bed. My friend decided she wanted a cigarette so we walked round to her house (5 min away), but lost track of time so I was away for about two hours. When I got home DH was furious, demanding to know where the fuck I'd been, and for some reason, a combination of defiance and too much to drink I think, all I would say was "with friends". He thought I was lying (I have never, ever cheated on him or given him reason to mistrust me) and just got angrier and angrier until eventually he grabbed me hard by the wrist and smacked me about the face and head until I just curled in a ball and begged him to stop.

I've woken today to a badly bruised and swollen wrist, a lump and bruise above my temple and a massive bruise on the bridge of my nose.

DH is distraught today, can't believe what he has done. He has begged me to forgive him and sworn he will never touch me again. I have said I've forgiven him, but I just can't shake how upset I am by it. I know I'm horrible to live with, and I know I've put him through hell in recent years.

I always said if he lifted his hands to me then I'd leave, but he has sworn that he would never do anything like that ever again and I want to believe him. Could it just have been a momentary loss of temper? I love him so much and the dcs adore him.

Can anyone tell me they've got past something like this? I also know that I need to address my issues with alcohol.

Sorry for the essay. Oh and I'm in another Timezone, which is why I'm posting at this time. Thank you if you've read this far.

Ok, apologies for missing your initial post where you did say the OP shouldn't be alone with the children.
Presumably, it's ok to leave them with the person who has beaten a vulnerable person?
But she can't report the assault to the police if then they can't stay with dad either.
So, what should happen here in your opinion? The whole thing?

No, it doesn't say he has been abusive and controlling in between the beginning and now but, as I said before, how likely is it that he actually changed 15 years ago and has not been abusive and controlling in that time until now? Her description of the situation implies that he lost it not because she was drunk but because she wasn't back when she said she would be and he wasn't satisfied with her explanation of where she was/who she was with. That is the same behaviour he displayed 15 years ago and I believe it is vastly more likely that what had happened is op has managed to avoid his behaviour for 15 years and is now having a crisis so didn't this time and he displayed the exact same reaction as he did 15 years ago.

Agree with arsenal

Alcohol is a natural depresent that will put you in permenant state of low mood.

No amount of anti-depresents or counselling will work whilst habitual overdrinking is a feature of your life OP.

You husband was wrong, but I suspect you won't leave him as your will power will yo-yo depending on how the meds or the drinking is interacting in your brain.

I mean come on you can do the whole 'benefit of the doubt' thing but how likely is it for someone who initially displayed controlling physically abusive behaviour to change whilst still in the same relationship and without outside help? How likely is it that the recent controlling physically abusive behaviour is entirely unconnected to the initial pattern of behaviour from the past?

Lweji
No it's not okay to leave kids with the person that beats mother of his children up . Risk assessment needs to be made in order to establish if he can be violent to dcs.15 years is long time and OP should know if he's capable of violence towards dcs.
Another option would be for OP to leave with all dcs and move in with very supportive family member ,that is sober on a daily basis and could provide guidance and enspire OP . This may not be one of the available options sadly .

Princess has made some very valid points.
It is not essential for every poster to address every issue, in fact who can ever have the life experience to do that.
It just requires some posters to make enough comments to materially help OP.

OP should know if he's capable of violence towards dcs.

How will she know that? She didn't think he'd beat her either.

And how do you know how she is around the children?

Sleeping,
The OP is facing critical options. Leave alone, with the children, report to the police, stay as she is and hope for the best.
It's easy to say go and sort yourself out, but not so easy to do when you have to consider that doing it implicates leaving the children with someone who thinks it's ok to beat someone else who defies him.
That's why pps making suggestions should really consider all angles and details.

Princess - you know nothing about her alcohol issues. Self medicating with alcohol can be anything from having a glass of wine when you feel sad to drinking cider all day from the moment you wake up. Given the op is living with a man who abuses her and has a history of abuse I would like to know more about her actual drinking pattern before pronouncing that it is dangerous for her to live alone with her children.

What we do know is that her husband beat her up last night because she was late back and he didn't know who she was with. He has done this before because of his insecurities.

And TBF I do think that people commenting on threads where there is domestic violence NEED to have knowledge about it otherwise what they post inevitably does more harm than good.

DV support is a specialist area which is why I think for the OP the best plan is to find support from a specialist in DV and have the injuries recorded by a medical professional.

The primary concern is taking steps towards removing the victims of violence away from the perpetrator of violence. The other issues are of secondary concern.

Not sure why pps think I have not experienced and have no knowledge of dysfunctional family,substance abuse,paranoic dh and violence.
Maybe because I'm emotionally detached from it NOW
I grew up with a mother that had (has) serious MH issues and father that been violent towards her.
On the outside it was a good family.Educated middle class parents with children that doing extremely well academically .Meantime mother was suicidal and I had to call an ambulance once at the age of 11 because she on purpose overdosed on prescribed meds and dad was at work . Also had issues with the law due to MH. Later on she went on to develop split personality disorder or something along this lines, was constantly not happy about everything and was deliberately provoking father to reactions. He was emotionally checked out most of the time but once in a while he'd loose it and be violent towards her.
At the age of 19 I started to develop alcohol abuse problem but luckily got myself together and snapped out of it.
I ended up marrying a man that resembles a lot OPS DH. Had 2 dcs with him and by the age of 27 felt worthless .emigrating to different country with the family and having no support network didn't help.i lost count of blackeyes and verbal abuse thrown at me.
I called police I did everything by the book.
Only once I started working and earning more than DH I was able to break free .
It took me years after divorce to see things in perspective and understand why I had alcohol issue and why I chose relationship I had and what needed to be done to meet a decent man and to show my dcs good life they deserve
I detached myself from parents and sibling a while ago and feel better when they are not in my life.I can't sort their lives out for them .My dcs are my priority

People, wise up and stop responding to princess. He (or less likely she) keeps disrupting support threads for DV survivors and mansplaining how it was the victim's own fault for annoying the poor set-upon violent criminal husband.

Just ignore it, and it will go away eventually.

OP can you seek medical attention today? You have received several blows to the head, which can precede concussion (it doesn't always manifest immediately.) This could also be a first step in documenting your injuries and reporting to police, which is something I think you know you have to do.

Princess you don't need to defend your opinion too much on here especially since some posters are quite rigid in their approach towards certain situations.

Your opinion is as valid theirs though since all opinions are just that and not facts!

You were quite brave posting a different p.o.v to the majority and it does open up discussion and debate when that happens.

Well done to you for sorting your situation out, and making a better life for yourself and your DC

Oh wow I'm a man aparently.
Nope I'm just a woman with a bit of a brain and able to think critically .

Thank you Quitelikely5
I suppose I'm very strong ..at least I have been told that a lot.
It takes a lot of strength and time to break vicious circle of DV and substance abuse but it's possible!

Having experience of DV doesn't necessarily mean you give good advice.

The advice you gave was bad advice and I think you don't realise the harm it does TBH.

Well I wish someone gave ME that advice while I was in that situation.
It would have make me to turn things around far quicker!

Living with someone who abuses alcohol can be extremely challenging because it oftwn makes them abusive. Given that you have a problem with alcohol are you abusive towards your family? Sounds like your situation is toxic and both of you could be abuser and victim.

The kids should be the priority. Both of you need help.

What to stay with someone who hits you while you try and sort out your problem with alcohol caused by being abused?

How would that have helped you?

If you read the op she says she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and got drunk last night.

There is nothing to say she abuses alcohol or that her unhealthy relationship with it is causing her children to be put at risk.

This is exactly why princess' post is so destructive. It has created a myth that the op is dangerously drunk in charge of DC and can't be trusted with them (which is likely what her h will say to justify his violence) and it has brought the thread away from the main issue - his violence and onto an issue which hasn't been raised and can't be implied from what the op has said.

Offred please try to read and actually receive what's said!From the earliest posts..
Don't think I should repeat myself.

I have read your posts princess

First post banging on about out of control drinking then "It may well be as you suggest Baroness
But the reality of situation is OP is not a good parent until she sorts alcohol and MH issues (posttraumatic etc) so it's not a good idea to go with the kids solo at this moment of time."

Reading her entire post, the OP acknowledges she is difficult to live with and I suspect that is down to her alcohol abuse. Yes, she can choose to minimise by say it is merely an unhealthy relationship. Whatever you want to call it, the OP has a problem with alcohol and it appears that it causes her to be irresponsible and at times inconsiderate and no doubt abusive too. Her husband is also an abuser. Both need help.

I can only feel sorry for the kids. I simply cannot ignore the fact that the OP has issues she needs to address. Issues that may be contributing to the toxic family situation. Ignoring this is of no use or help to the OP.

no doubt abusive too. No doubt? Jeez this is escalating. Now the OP has gone from causing the attack to being an abusive parent.

She said she has an "unhealthy" relationship with alcohol. She might not be an alcoholic.

What we do know is that when he didn't like her standing up to him, her husband slapped her about the head until she begged him to stop. That is the problem, the issue.