last night it all went wrong

[MrsRWilliams]

I've name changed for this as I have personal friends on mn who know my regular name.

I'll start by saying that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I also suffer with acute anxiety disorder, occasional depression and complex trauma syndrome, and also ptsd. I have seen therapist after therapist and don't feel I've gained anything at all from any of them. I'm also on medication, which means that if I drink too much I can become easily confused.

I've recently come through two years of cancer treatment, including 18mths of chemo, over 10 surgeries, and several infections which caused me to be hospitalised.

I had a bloody shit upbringing, was physically and emotionally abused as a child/teen, raped by someone I knew when I was 16, and in an abusive relationship for 7 years before I met dh.

Dh and I have been together for over 15yrs and have 4dcs, aged from toddler to tween. I'm being deliberately vague in case I'm outed.

So anyway, when dh and I got together at first, he was very untrusting, always convinced I was lying to him about where I'd been and who with. He was occasionally aggressive - shoved me and held me down, punched things and threatened me, but after counselling, and me basically saying if it happened again I would leave, he stopped. He got his temper under control and had never again in 15yrs did it again.

Until last night. I got (inexcusably) drunk, and my friend came round who was also drunk. DH had been out earlier in the night so went to bed. My friend decided she wanted a cigarette so we walked round to her house (5 min away), but lost track of time so I was away for about two hours. When I got home DH was furious, demanding to know where the fuck I'd been, and for some reason, a combination of defiance and too much to drink I think, all I would say was "with friends". He thought I was lying (I have never, ever cheated on him or given him reason to mistrust me) and just got angrier and angrier until eventually he grabbed me hard by the wrist and smacked me about the face and head until I just curled in a ball and begged him to stop.

I've woken today to a badly bruised and swollen wrist, a lump and bruise above my temple and a massive bruise on the bridge of my nose.

DH is distraught today, can't believe what he has done. He has begged me to forgive him and sworn he will never touch me again. I have said I've forgiven him, but I just can't shake how upset I am by it. I know I'm horrible to live with, and I know I've put him through hell in recent years.

I always said if he lifted his hands to me then I'd leave, but he has sworn that he would never do anything like that ever again and I want to believe him. Could it just have been a momentary loss of temper? I love him so much and the dcs adore him.

Can anyone tell me they've got past something like this? I also know that I need to address my issues with alcohol.

Sorry for the essay. Oh and I'm in another Timezone, which is why I'm posting at this time. Thank you if you've read this far.

Did you read the op where she said he was consistently dealing with all HIS insecurities by being physically violent towards the OP?

I don't know why people persist in scaremongering about SS. The OP's family need support from SS and assessments about parenting capacity. It is entirely appropriate for that to happen, for everyone's but most especially the children's welfare.

What you advise QL seems to be sweeping it under the carpet and deciding the H is just under pressure. Just because the violence did not happen for a long gap does not mean there has not been any abuse during the 15 years. The most recent incident shows that he still believes that he has a right to control who she sees and where she goes and deals with frustrations by becoming violent. He hasn't taken himself away from her to get help, I just can't tally your post with what the OP has said.

I suspect there is an element for the op of feeling like she has pushed him to return to how he was initially but it is vastly more likely that he never changed that actually the op just, by taking responsibility for preventing his violence initially, has just been living around not provoking him for years and failed to do so last night because she was drunk. If he had changed 15 years ago he would not have hit her last night IMO.

Exactly, Offred.

The op is not in the UK, I don't know how that changes concerns over SS. I do think their primary aim is to support and enable families to stay together, but don't know how the system works where the op is.

If you can't bear to call the police, at least go to the doctor/ hospital so that this attack is on file.

Do not admit to having alcohol issues, if you do call the police and he starts accusing you of that.

I don't know what jurisdiction you are in, but if you're in the USA there's a war on women going on and you can't give this guy any weapon to use against you.

You are minimising, one of the reasons you've had mh probs is because you're with this loser in the first place.

He doesn't need anger management, he can presumably manage his anger perfectly well around people who aren't his wife or children.

Read Why does he do that and start planning to leave. You may not be ready for it yet, but now he's crossed that line, you can't go back. You will either start walking on eggshells to placate him so that it doesn't happen again, or it will become a normal part of your life. Every time he hits you, there's a risk that he'll kill you or give you brain damage. So that's the risk you will live with, as long as you're not ready to leave.

If he's sorry and horrified that it happened and determined that it will never happen again, he will come to you with a proper, worked out plan to deal with this, one that doesn't involve blaming you or using your MH/ alcohol issues as an excuse for his violence.

But I bet he won't do that.

Good luck

You are not a 'car crash'. Dear, you did not deserve that at all! Please, as suggested, at least see your GP.

I suspect there is more to this relationship with your DH than you are telling us.

princessmi12 I really think you don't know what you are talking about.

Princessmi is just articulating a very widespread belief - that men are "driven" to hit women by women's behaviour

The OP's mental health issues and drinking, are not the secondary issues here Princess. They are issues in their own right, but they are separate to the issue of her abusive DH.

And he is abusive. That is a primary issue. That is the primary issue on this thread. The OP's alcohol abuse is secondary here, it would be a primary issue on another thread, about her alcohol abuse.

Thousands of people live with people with alcohol problems and don't beat them up.

Yes, but I would also add that given it is reasonable to assume the op has a problematic attitude to alcohol, she is clearly in an abusive relationship and her perception of the actual reality of the problems her attitude to alcohol is actually causing may be skewed by being in that abusive situation.

What she actually did is fairly normal slightly inconsiderate drunk person behaviour. There is no mention of this being a regular occurrence or of the op's drinking actually causing it's own problems in her life. Having a problematic relationship with alcohol caused by self medicating is a problem in itself yes but the actual real effect on her life is not mentioned. Most adults binge drink and do stuff like this once in awhile.

It needs dealing with because it is based on a problematic self medication but it may not be actually showing itself in a way that is causing problems (yet).

An abusive controlling person who doesn't like you having friends is very good at making use of your vulnerabilities to keep you cowed and scared. There is not enough info to say whether this is what is happening here but I wouldn't take it as a given that the op's actual drinking was anything other than normal simply based on her fears that he will call her an alcoholic and take the children.

Notonthebandwagon
I don't need to educate myself on the issue come from a dysfunctional family
At the end of the day you are helpless about where you grew up but you not helpless in regards to what you choose your life to be !Taking control of your life and your own choices is all you can do as a grown up and especially if you're a parent,despite what happened in the past.
And by the way I wouldn't believe alcoholic mother can be a good parent . Not by a normal standard . She may adore dcs but being tipsy in front of dcs /wondering off due to a drink is unacceptable.
I suppose question is here does OP wants a shoulder to cry on and listen people shifting blame onto someone else or hearing the truth that will hopefully hit home and help OP and her dcs in long run

Princess is either a troll or a blithering fucking idiot, but that view is sadly the only one I think the OP will internalise.

There is no excuse for beating the shit out of someone. We all have dark angry moments and violence in this day and age is not the answer.

What would have happened if he'd accidentally killed you last night OP?

What would you do if this was the partner of one of your kids?

For their sake, yours and even his, you need to do something. Please get help - social services are not bogeymen.

How are you doing, OP?

You DO need educating, Princess.

OP needs support - she's not in denial, and she's not going to get support from her violent, abusive husband.

What she WILL get is ground down further, her substance abuse used by him as a stick to beat her with until something happens that could result in far more serious consequences.

You clearly also need to educate yourself on addiction too.

You don't know how the op is around the children.

Take the DH out of equation altogether !
She met him while having childhood issues unresolvedended and ended up with him because his behaviour seemed familiar and normal.
By sorting out her own issues she either improve her family /relationship or will find the strength and clarity of mind to see its dysfunctional and she deserves better and will find the strength to start new normal life WITHOUT him

Good read would be Robyn Norwood "women who love too much " and Louisa Hay' publications

Exactly, Princess - the husband needs to be taken out of the equation.

So, the OP is supposed to sort out her own issues taking her husband out of the equation while living with him and risking further beatings and abuse, therefore worsening her own issues?
It makes perfect sense.

Could you explain that to us as if we were really, really stupid?

DH is paranoic and abusive.
The obvious answer would be call police /kick him out
But because of unresolved childhood issues,subsequent alcohol abuse and unfortunate events the OP'S normality is distorted . There's huge chance that next man in her life will be abusive.OP said her first dh was really violent . What about current one? He's abusive as well. What is the common denominator here?
Sorting MH and alcohol issues is long process but will make OPs life normal and happy at the end . Only then can OP start normal happy relationship with someone else and set the example of functional relationship to dcs.

Surely there's no need for someone else any time soon, or ever.
So, are you saying she should call the police or not? Should she leave him or not?

Sorting her own issues is a must, of course, but there are more urgent problems at hand. The ones with the violent thug.

Lweji
Did you read previous posts?
I suggested quite early in the thread to leave family home for a while to get help.
Honestly SS would not entertain situation when violent parent leaves home but nonviolent one with substance abuse issue is left as primary carer to dcs.

No where does it say the DH has been abusive and controlling in the last 15 years. He has been by her side through cancer and 10 surgeries
In fact
He is really truly upset by what he has done, and I keep thinking, if it's been 15 years without aggression, and I've been a total fucker to him for so long, maybe he just lost it

Anti depressants and Alcohol can make a dangerous combination.

OP whether you like to hear it or not you shouldn't be drinking at all.

As for your DH maybe a bit of space away from each other will help. Regardless of how goardy you may have behaved, he had no right to put his hands on you

You don't think so, Princess?

Well, you are wrong and I speak from personal experience.