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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

last night it all went wrong

138 replies

MrsRWilliams · 07/05/2016 07:05

I've name changed for this as I have personal friends on mn who know my regular name.

I'll start by saying that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I also suffer with acute anxiety disorder, occasional depression and complex trauma syndrome, and also ptsd. I have seen therapist after therapist and don't feel I've gained anything at all from any of them. I'm also on medication, which means that if I drink too much I can become easily confused.

I've recently come through two years of cancer treatment, including 18mths of chemo, over 10 surgeries, and several infections which caused me to be hospitalised.

I had a bloody shit upbringing, was physically and emotionally abused as a child/teen, raped by someone I knew when I was 16, and in an abusive relationship for 7 years before I met dh.

Dh and I have been together for over 15yrs and have 4dcs, aged from toddler to tween. I'm being deliberately vague in case I'm outed.

So anyway, when dh and I got together at first, he was very untrusting, always convinced I was lying to him about where I'd been and who with. He was occasionally aggressive - shoved me and held me down, punched things and threatened me, but after counselling, and me basically saying if it happened again I would leave, he stopped. He got his temper under control and had never again in 15yrs did it again.

Until last night. I got (inexcusably) drunk, and my friend came round who was also drunk. DH had been out earlier in the night so went to bed. My friend decided she wanted a cigarette so we walked round to her house (5 min away), but lost track of time so I was away for about two hours. When I got home DH was furious, demanding to know where the fuck I'd been, and for some reason, a combination of defiance and too much to drink I think, all I would say was "with friends". He thought I was lying (I have never, ever cheated on him or given him reason to mistrust me) and just got angrier and angrier until eventually he grabbed me hard by the wrist and smacked me about the face and head until I just curled in a ball and begged him to stop.

I've woken today to a badly bruised and swollen wrist, a lump and bruise above my temple and a massive bruise on the bridge of my nose.

DH is distraught today, can't believe what he has done. He has begged me to forgive him and sworn he will never touch me again. I have said I've forgiven him, but I just can't shake how upset I am by it. I know I'm horrible to live with, and I know I've put him through hell in recent years.

I always said if he lifted his hands to me then I'd leave, but he has sworn that he would never do anything like that ever again and I want to believe him. Could it just have been a momentary loss of temper? I love him so much and the dcs adore him.

Can anyone tell me they've got past something like this? I also know that I need to address my issues with alcohol.

Sorry for the essay. Oh and I'm in another Timezone, which is why I'm posting at this time. Thank you if you've read this far.

OP posts:
princessmi12 · 07/05/2016 15:27

Offred
Please reread my very first comment at 8 31 GMT

Lweji · 07/05/2016 15:29

FWIW, many MNetters claim to drink a bottle of wine in the evening and not be able to leave anything for next time. And claim to feel the need to drink after a stressful day. That is an example of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Do they all need to go away and sort their issues?
We don't know what the OP is like.

I agree it's a difficult situation in relation to the children, but leaving them with an aggressive and violent parent isn't right either.

OP, do ask for help. From people who can help you, be it WA, SS, GP. And the police.

Donethat16 · 07/05/2016 15:29

The OP also acknowledged that if she calls the police there is a real chance that because of her 'unhealthy relationship' with alcohol may result in her losing the kids.

There are some real problems in this relationship that both parties need to address and that may very well mean going there separate ways.

Providing support to the OP does not mean telling her what might sound nice to her. It also means holding up a mirror so she can take a good look at herself.

Offred · 07/05/2016 15:30

I have read your comments princess. The issue is not with me not reading them it is with you writing them and how this thread which is about a husband beating up his wife had been diverted onto alcohol issues and abused kids that the op didn't post about.

princessmi12 · 07/05/2016 15:32

OP said in original post she knows she has alcohol issue and needs to deal with it
Also OP had cancer and it's just unwise to jeopardise health further

Offred · 07/05/2016 15:33

If people really can't understand that hitting your partner is the final step in abusive control and that lots of emotional abuse will have happened prior including him telling her she is mental and a drunk then I think you shouldn't comment on threads like this.

You don't know how much the op is drinking or how it is affecting her life or her children. Please focus on the really obvious issue - that her husband is abusive and that if she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol this will not improve by remaining living with an abusive partner.

Donethat16 · 07/05/2016 15:34

I'm not here to fight over opinions. I've given mine. The OP can use it or discard it as she sees fit. I stand by what I have said and rrally have no desire to go round in circles arguing who knows the OP situation best and whose opinion is most valid. Complete waste of time.

Lweji · 07/05/2016 15:34

So, what are you saying?
She goes away, leaves children with their father, returns home when she's sorted and healthy?

Does she leave the children permanently?

Asks for them when she's sorted?

Offred · 07/05/2016 15:35

People who are being abused can't just use or discard opinions though. There is a huge huge difficulty in having your own opinions and not just taking heed of what your abuser tells you.

Donethat16 · 07/05/2016 15:35

... and all is in agreement that the husband is abusive. What he did is wrong. No excuses. The OP also other equally bad issues to overcome.

Offred · 07/05/2016 15:37

On the basis of what? 'Equally bad issues'?!? I can't believe you would write that in all seriousness...

princessmi12 · 07/05/2016 15:38

Donethat16
Precisely
I have given my opinion as well
If OP wants to she'll make conclusions
OP all the best hope your situation will get sorted
On this note I'll bow out
Thank for the discussion everyone !

Donethat16 · 07/05/2016 15:40

No, I am saying she probaby can't call the police. If she feels her life and/or that of the kids are in imminent danger then she must leave immediately. Otherwise, she should set in motion a plan to address her alcohol abuse (no matter how politely you may want to label it) and to leave her husband whilst ensuring arrangements for the kids meets their needs. If she loves her husband she should also encourage him to deal with his own problems.

Donethat16 · 07/05/2016 15:41

Me too, I'm out of here. Good luck OP.

Offred · 07/05/2016 15:42

She has never said she abuses alcohol. It is princess who said that.

Offred · 07/05/2016 15:45

And yes she can call the police. Even if she was addicted to heroin she could call the police.

Lweji · 07/05/2016 15:45

For the record this is what the OP said about the police
I'm scared to phone the police. I have no family or rl support in this country, and I don't want to take the dc's daddy away from them.
Then, later, that he could accuse her of being a drunk and the children ending up with none.

Not so much "if she calls the police there is a real chance that because of her 'unhealthy relationship' with alcohol may result in her losing the kids."

The police issue is just something to control her with.
Her alternatives to risk losing the children are to lose them to him or risk or most certainly be beaten again, time and time again. At some point witnessed by the children.

Lweji · 07/05/2016 15:47

If she loves her husband she should also encourage him to deal with his own problems.

Quite frankly, fuck that.

He's not her responsibility.
Particularly after beating her.

Donethat16 · 07/05/2016 15:47

What does unhealthy relationship with alcohol mean if not excessive or improper use? Well that is abuse of alcohol and we'll done to the OP for acknowledging she has a problem with alcohol. Abusing alcohol impairs judgement and behaviour.

I really have no more to say.

Offred · 07/05/2016 16:01

An unhealthy relationship with alcohol can be anything from having a glass of wine because you feel sad to drinking cider from the moment you get up....

Or, an abuser can tell you you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol because he doesn't like you drinking or seeing your friends.

AntiqueSinger · 07/05/2016 16:08

Unhealthy relationship is what it says. How many other ways can you spell it out?

Either you have a healthy relationship with alcohol or you don't.

If someone told you they have an unhealthy relationship with food would you assume their diet was OK? Or would you give them suggestions on improving it?

Offred · 07/05/2016 16:17

If someone said they had an unhealthy relationship with food would you assume they were obese/anorexic?

Having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol does not mean you are abusing alcohol. It does not even mean you are drinking FFS. It's about your attitude to alcohol. It isn't about your use of alcohol.

Lweji · 07/05/2016 16:21

She could have said she was an alcoholic.
If it wasn't for her saying she got drunk while her oh was in the house and got out with a friend, it didn't even mean she was drinking at all.

I'd try telling the various MNetters that abuse alcohol every Friday that their children are at risk.

AskBasil · 07/05/2016 16:21

"The OP also acknowledged that if she calls the police there is a real chance that because of her 'unhealthy relationship' with alcohol may result in her losing the kids."

Of course, every abusive man tells the woman he lives with that she can't leave him because she'll lose her kids.

Because of alcohol, or drugs, or MH problems, or because she doesn't keep the house clean enough, or because she is a bad mother or because she doesn't dress them properly etc. etc.

It's a pretty common threat and if you've been living in an abusive relationship for 15 years, chances are you will have begun to believe that shit a long time ago and it's become part of your relationship's narrative.

AntiqueSinger · 07/05/2016 16:27

If someone said they had an unhealthy relationship with food would you assume they were obese/anorexic?

I suppose not. Point taken.