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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right to text this woman?

362 replies

deutschland83 · 05/05/2016 15:19

Work colleague of DHs, unsolicited messages on his phone. Late night texts when's she's out. Latest is a picture of underwear laid out.

I want to tell her to fuck off.

Should I?

He doesn't know I have seen them.

OP posts:
hareinthemoon · 06/05/2016 14:12

You are right, OP, when you have put so much into a partnership and a family unit it's really hard to see your response clearly and discretely.

But you have stormed all the challenges so far, and you can manage to put yourself first in your imagination for once while you figure it out.

Pseudo341 · 06/05/2016 14:14

You sound remarkably sane OP, well done.

Frankly I don't believe him for a second. Trying to shut her down, with lots of texts in the early hours of the morning Hmm

DarrenHardysDrongo · 06/05/2016 14:16

I'd say he's not just a prize twat, he's a prize lying twat.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 06/05/2016 14:26

Oh I'm so sorry OP Flowers
Why are some people such cunts?

You sound like an amazing mum and wife, he's fucked up big time and will be doing and saying anything to 'win you round'.

I just cannot believe He claims friends only and he tried repeatedly to shut her down.
You don't repeatedly message someone in the early hours, and then get to claim you're trying to shut them down.

He's lying.

Flowers You lovely lady.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/05/2016 15:03

You sound strong.
But do look up 'hysterical bonding' and the 'pick me dance' to make sure you don't fall into those traps.
I'll say it again - take your time!!!

camaleon · 06/05/2016 15:05

Of course you are not a fool. He is. If I was ever to cheat I would not leave a full written record with bills going to my partner. It takes a particular level of idiocy and entitlement to do this.

Apart from the obvious harm and shattered trust, I would stop respecting my partner's intelligence altogether if I had to find out like this.

Original poster
deutschland83 · 06/05/2016 16:22

So, how do I balance his explanation of just good friends and a shot of some (pretty awful) underwear on a bed?

If one of my team sent that to a colleague (unsolicited) and I found out, I would be expected to investigate and probably use disciplinary action. Warning at the very least.

Are people that stupid? (If he claims he had nothing to do with it)

OP posts:
Jan45 · 06/05/2016 16:25

Until he is honest and stops lying then you are not going to move anywhere - does he actually think you are brain dead, who is going to believe his story, it's laughable.

He is still taking the piss.

iamamug · 06/05/2016 16:33

Remember you have the phone records going back 12 months - all the texting - it's taken him 12 months and he still hasn't 'shut her down'?
You are clearly not stupid , he's just going to deny deny deny - classic stuff.
I have a friend going through this at the moment - her DH's behaviour is toe curling but she wants the marriage to survive.
You need to decide what you want to do - for you and your children.

bitchingtwitching · 06/05/2016 16:34

Did you ask him about the evidence of text messages when he was away? Or was the discussion just about the whatsapp messages?

bitchingtwitching · 06/05/2016 16:35

She's not that stupid. If she was so unstable as to be sending entirely unsolicited pictures of her underwear to him, despite it being made clear it was unwelcome, they wouldn't be good friends to begin with. He can't have it both ways.

camaleon · 06/05/2016 16:37

Oh deutschland83... I remember my mum saying that if she ever found my father with another woman in bed, she would ask him for a rationale explanation. What she meant was that she trusted him totally (my dad died many years ago now).

I think you are having the same problem. From your first post. You never considered this was a cheating case scenario. Your husband knows how much you trust him (I trust mine, but would never draw the conclusions you drew; my trust is not similar to yours or my mum's). You are looking at it from a professional perspective because it makes more sense to you.

I (and others) may be massively wrong but he is lying and taking the piss and Jan45 says.

FeralBeryl · 06/05/2016 16:38

Can you 'offer' to go with him to management to discuss the way forward re: texts? That would completely shit him up because he knows the truth would have to come out then.
You are amazing. You don't stoop down to their level by risking your career vandalising cars (although I see the temptation Wink)
You sound very strong at the moment, don't panic if you do suddenly crumble. It's entirely natural, you're running on indignation and adrenaline.
We've got your back Flowers

CantFeelMyFace · 06/05/2016 16:38

OP, you are thinking aloud but you know the answer already. There are very few women in this crazy old world who would send a picture of their underwear to a work colleague at the risk of losing their job or facing disciplinary action/sexual harrassment allegations. She was fairly confident of a favourable reception. Did he come to you, saying he was worried a work colleague had gone too far? Has he done anything to stop her behaviour by addressing it in the workplace?. Texts in early hours sound suspiciously like encouraging ones, you wouldn't text a work colleague at that time to nip something inappropriate in the bud. It's tough and probably hasn't sunk in properly but I suspect your husband is lying. Flowers wishing you a lot of strength, this is the pits with DCs to think of

Kidnapped · 06/05/2016 16:43

If one of my team sent that to a colleague (unsolicited) and I found out, I would be expected to investigate and probably use disciplinary action. Warning at the very least.

Are people that stupid? (If he claims he had nothing to do with it)

Business-like might be the way forward to get to the truth.

He could call his HR department right now and report her for harassment. And of course anyone would question why he allowed this harrassment to continue for 12 months and was texting her multiple times in the middle of the night while he was away from home. It is only when his wife finds out about it and confronts him that he then breaks down and claims that she is harassing him, has been for 12 months but he's never mentioned it to anyone.

If he hesitates about reporting her (because the woman probably has saved photos and texts from him that suggests that they were equally complicit) then you have your answer.

Chocolate123 · 06/05/2016 16:50

Sorry op I think he's lying through his teeth. If he tried to stop her messages why didn't he block her phone instead he's allowed her to send he has replied and he's kept them. Flowers

Summerlovinf · 06/05/2016 16:58

If it was harmless, why did he delete his messages to her? [clue: answer to this is not 'because I knew you wouldn't understand']

hareinthemoon · 06/05/2016 16:59

It is hard, really hard, for some people (me included) to just completely change our minds about someone and you will want to find anything to help you believe him, to get back the faith you had just a day ago. I continued to offer chance after chance for STBXH to step up to the plate and be proactively honest (which your DH has not been - I imagine if the shoe were on the other foot he'd have been the first person you'd have told about "inappropriate work texting" - but you were not told at all, you had to find out for yourself). In my own case, every time I found another lie it ate away at my respect for him - and although I am proud of where I am now and how much I've achieved, all that loss of respect for him led me to feel dragged down with it, and made my recovery so much harder. I can't see where all those texts - mutual texts between them, late into the night - can offer you any comfort in this. All I can say is that I wish I'd listened more to my gut and less to my ex. I never in a million years thought I'd be offering my experience of this as advice to someone else. But we all think it won't happen to us.

cozietoesie · 06/05/2016 16:59

bitching makes a fair point, I think. Smile

By the way, were both of them using entirely private phones?

TheEmmaDilemma · 06/05/2016 17:02

He's bullshitting you. No two ways about it I'm afraid.

Just walk away head held high.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/05/2016 17:06

"So, how do I balance his explanation of just good friends and a shot of some (pretty awful) underwear on a bed?"

You can't OP. Because those two things are mutually incompatible

TheEmmaDilemma · 06/05/2016 17:06

And that comes from someone who's been there. It was only he admitted she was pregnant, I finally got the guts to walk the fuck away.

supersop60 · 06/05/2016 17:28

OP - they are NOT just friends - someone further up thread mentioned Shirley Glass. You can get it on line. It's possible that they think it's a special friendship - but it has definitely crossed the line. He will minimise and deflect and obfuscate, because he knows he's in the wrong and has something to hide.
My DP had just this kind of 'special' friendship. I'm still recovering.

Original poster
deutschland83 · 06/05/2016 17:33

He owned up to everything I challenged him on. Just good friends, worked together a long time.

I've been under massive pressure at work for the last 15 months, two kids and under 5 who don't sleep well, lots of work hr issues, bereavements.

He didn't want to annoy me when he was away at night, so they chatted as friends.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 06/05/2016 17:34

If she is crazy, he must report her- with you to work for harassment. If she is crazy, he should tell the dh.

Shes not crazy. He's a liar.