Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTF have I done?

144 replies

CloudedPensive · 04/05/2016 23:36

Not really sure why I'm writing this,..i just need to get it out I think so don't mind about not replyingSmile
Been with Dh 8 years, have a toddler, we've had ups and downs like most couples etc.
We've been having a really good few months lately, stressful situations have been sorted out to do with housing and stuff.
Dh has always had a bit of a wandering eye, I've not really minded about it. He likes to go on social apps too.
Problem is that a couple of weeks ago when we where in bed he told me that he really fancies a woman from the app, they have talked for months, don't say much, she mostly sends rude pics and chats a little. I tried to be understanding and laugh it off as it's just infatuation.
However a week ago we were talking about it and he says he is sorry but he can't help fancying and wanting to sleep with this woman/other women. He said hr would probably have sex with her if he could. Somehow I ended up saying that I accept it and agreed to turn a blind eye, basically said if he needs a mistress then so be it. He is very happy with this.

I'm stupid to agree such things I know. I just feel it's better to accept such things, we have a great marriage otherwise.

I just feel so numb about it all though. I don't feel happy or sad. I can't believe this is what my marriage has turned into, me allowing a mistress. I've fucked up haven't I?

OP posts:
redgoat · 04/05/2016 23:38

You haven't. He has. You are entitled to change your mind! Tell him he's being a knob and he loves and respect you and only you or he fucks off.

You deserve better. X

Seeyounearertime · 04/05/2016 23:40

If you're not happy with it then you need to take back the permision before anything happens.

Tbh, it sounds like he's a bit of a prick, sorry.
Someone happy in their marriage won't be even be looking to talk to another woman i. that manner.
It seems, from the limited info, that he has had an emotional affair and now wants to take it further and make it physical, if you are no longer CO fortable with that then you must tell him.

Unless, of course, you would be happier if the situation worked both ways and you wanted to have an open marriage? You take yourself a lover?
What's good for Goose is good for gander so to speak?

Missyaggravation · 04/05/2016 23:41

Have you agreed to an open relationship? Even if you have, like pp says you can change your mind at any time. If it's making you feel like you do, might be time to reconsider. Tbh I felt gutted by proxy for you, couldn't be doing with that 😥

PovertyPain · 04/05/2016 23:44

What do you think his answer would be if you told him you were going to sleep with someone else? I can guarantee he only asked you because he knows you would never cheat on him, the arrogant prick.

Canyouforgiveher · 04/05/2016 23:45

Listen, there was a post on here today from a woman who had signed up to fresh express for 3 meals for 35 pounds. And people were telling her wholesale she could change her mind.

your dh can't possibly think he gets permission to have an open marriage based on one conversation? have you discussed STDs/safety etc. Have you told him you'll also be looking for a lovely young man to roger you blind. Of course not. he is a salesman knob who got you at a low point and sold you double-glazing and a conservatory you neither need nor want.

Tell him you don't want him to have sex with anyone else and the 2 of you need a serious conversation, possibly with a counselor as soon as possible.

You really do deserve better.

Original poster
CloudedPensive · 04/05/2016 23:46

I'd never sleep with another man, I have no desire to whatsoever.
I'm scared that if I say I don't agree anymore then he will just do it a anyway and I'll always been looking around, wondering what he's up to. It's mad sounding I know but it's seems like it would be easier and less hurtful to just go along with it? I don't know, just working through this in my mind..

I appreciate the replies.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/05/2016 23:46

You agreed to this a week ago and it's chewing you up inside. It's ok to withdraw permission, you have had more time to think about it and it's causing you agony.

I think you should also personally address why you would accept the way he is and why you didn't feel you could say no in the first place.

Original poster
CloudedPensive · 04/05/2016 23:48

..and no, he would never agree to me doing the same. He has said he would always use condoms .
Urghh! Wtf

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/05/2016 23:50

You are worth more than this. He is not making you feel good, he is making you deeply insecure. It's chewing you up inside anyway, regardless of 'permission'.

Iamdobby63 · 04/05/2016 23:52

It may not be the correct or very grown up advice but I would be telling him that I was going to do the same even if I had no intention of doing so.

Seeyounearertime · 04/05/2016 23:52

What's that three letters I see on here quite often?
Oh yeah...

LTB

He wants to go fuck around and keep little wifey at home? She's not allowed to though obviously, but he can chat to other women, have dirty picture sent and generally be a knob head.

It's going to make you very unhappy I think OP. Either he agrees not too, stops chatting to other women and starts showing you and your child some respect or you should consider what you're with him for.

AddToBasket · 04/05/2016 23:53

He's done this or is planning to.

You are worth more. If you want a monogamous relationship, say so and mean it.

blindsider · 04/05/2016 23:54

He is taking the piss and I imagine taking advantage of what I can only imagine is low self esteem.

Tell him to shape up or ship out!

PPie10 · 04/05/2016 23:57

This is really sad to read op. You have very low self esteem don't you? This man is truly disgusting. He openly tells you he's after other women, wants to sleep with them and you would rather accept that than say it's against your own values. Why do you think you are worth so little. Sad
You don't have a marriage, let alone respect. You really deserve better than this.

UpsiLondoes · 04/05/2016 23:58

He doesn't need your permission. You told him you were ok with it because you would rather know exactly when your husband is having sex with someone else, rather than he lie about it.

Are you comfortable with that?

Maybe you are, everyone is different. He needs to be ok with you both having an open relationship and flirting with opposite sex. It doesn't matter if you never exercise your option - he needs to realise it cuts both ways.

Original poster
CloudedPensive · 05/05/2016 00:03

It's helpful to hear others views,...I guess I have slot of thinking to do, just need to get my brain I gear.

OP posts:
TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 05/05/2016 00:07

You do not have a great marriage by any definition.

liinyo · 05/05/2016 00:13

I would like to add another dimension to the very sound advice you have had here. I wonder how your husband is feeling after hearing you would be OK with him screwing around? Is there a chance he asked the question because he hoped you would veto it out of love and jealousy? Does he want you to say 'No, you cannot shag her, I want you just for me'? And then leap on him?

From your post I think probably not, but for me it does highlight the importance in any relationship of being honest about what you want and need. If you love him and want him to be faithful to you tell him that. Don't tell him the opposite and then break your heart out of hurt and jealousy. And as many others have said, it isn't too late to change your mind. Explain why as clearly as you have done here and see what happens.

Flowers Wine [hugs]

BirthdayBetty · 05/05/2016 00:14

So little you at home while he has sex with other women.
Is this what you want? If not change it. It's clear your H can do what he wants, but you can't.

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 05/05/2016 00:14

You deserve better than this OP- work on your self esteem and LTB.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2016 00:15

From what you've been saying, it sounds as if the relationship is finished now in any case?

Canyouforgiveher · 05/05/2016 00:27

I would like to add another dimension to the very sound advice you have had here. I wonder how your husband is feeling after hearing you would be OK with him screwing around? Is there a chance he asked the question because he hoped you would veto it out of love and jealousy? Does he want you to say 'No, you cannot shag her, I want you just for me'? And then leap on him?

It's a nice thought but I'd say there is no chance at all this man was looking for reassurance that he was loved. he was looking for "permission" to have sex with other women while not having to go to the bother of actually finding a new place to live and pay support to his toddler and even have his child for access all on his own. Much easier to let the OP do all that and have a bit on the side- with permission of course.

OP you really really deserve better than this. honestly. You sound so vulnerable, your self-esteem is so low. Is this really all you can envision for yourself? You could do fine by yourself-might be way better to sit at home on your own thinking about a class you are about to start or a friend you are going t meet for coffee than sitting at home imagining your husband having sex with another woman - and wondering if he likes he better and will leave anyway. how would you even talk to him after that? You are so so so much better than this.

And he is a fucking arse to think he can get "permission" for a major breach of the whole contract of marriage in one conversation. He really is an asshole about this. you need to recognise this.

SpiritedLondon · 05/05/2016 00:27

Wow that's quite a burden. It's seems unusual that he would even raise the subject with you and discuss this so openly. Your response about trying to laugh it off ( the nudie picks) suggest that you either have a very open relationship or he knows that you won't challenge him ( maybe???). I don't think it's too late to revoke your permission but I wonder what his response will be. If he's so happy about the prospect of sleeping with this woman I imagine he'll be very disappointed when you tell him you've changed your mind. If I was in your permission I would be tempted to call his bluff and tell him you've met someone she see if he's blasé about your infidelity as his own. If you don't fancy that route then you need to be upfront and explain your change of heart - that you were fearful etc etc. I'm not sure where you go from here unfortunately - if he's committed to exploring other relationships and you're adamant that you don't want an open relationship and can't live with his infidelity then it doesn't hold out much hope for a future together. It may be he takes you for granted and figures you'll never leave him so the threat of you splitting up may be enough for him to re-consider his attitude. Good luck with everything .....I hope he sees the errors of his ways.

SpiritedLondon · 05/05/2016 00:28

Situation not permission. Sorry it's late!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/05/2016 00:29

Join up to the same chat. Tell him you've done it. Tell him you are looking forward to sending rude pics to some blokes and maybe more if it all works out well like it did for him. Doesn't matter if you actually have no intention of doing it. Everything depends on his reaction.