WTF have I done?

[CloudedPensive]

Not really sure why I'm writing this,..i just need to get it out I think so don't mind about not replying
Been with Dh 8 years, have a toddler, we've had ups and downs like most couples etc.
We've been having a really good few months lately, stressful situations have been sorted out to do with housing and stuff.
Dh has always had a bit of a wandering eye, I've not really minded about it. He likes to go on social apps too.
Problem is that a couple of weeks ago when we where in bed he told me that he really fancies a woman from the app, they have talked for months, don't say much, she mostly sends rude pics and chats a little. I tried to be understanding and laugh it off as it's just infatuation.
However a week ago we were talking about it and he says he is sorry but he can't help fancying and wanting to sleep with this woman/other women. He said hr would probably have sex with her if he could. Somehow I ended up saying that I accept it and agreed to turn a blind eye, basically said if he needs a mistress then so be it. He is very happy with this.

I'm stupid to agree such things I know. I just feel it's better to accept such things, we have a great marriage otherwise.

I just feel so numb about it all though. I don't feel happy or sad. I can't believe this is what my marriage has turned into, me allowing a mistress. I've fucked up haven't I?

[Choceeclair123]

Making me feel very sad too op please don't do this to yourself, he is a selfish twat and doesn't give a stuff about you

[CloudedPensive]

Hi, I've been busy, not had time to think about it all (and I don't really want to tbh).

However posted the light and shade , thank you, I get what you are saying,..it does seem that way.

I know he hasnt slept with her, she lives quite a distance and we don't have a car at the moment. He would use condoms, he isn't one to risk health like that.

I don't think he wants to go with other women, just this woman. I don't know if I can feel bad towards him for that, feelings just develope I think. I don't know. I'll read through the thread again tomorrow, I'm quite shattered now.

[CloudedPensive]

...and I don't think I need women's aid, I'm not abused, but thank you anyway.

[FeralBeryl]

Feelings just developed

So what happens if his feelings carry on developing and after sleeping with this woman, he falls in love and wants to leave you anyway?!
Do you have anyone in real life that you can discuss this with?
It's like he's gas lighted you into this being a completely normal option in a marriage. Well it fucking isn't! He has no right. You need help to see it though after so long.

[CloudedPensive]

I don't fear he would leave me, I do believe he loves me deeply (yes, I'm a fool).

I don't feel.i have many options, I made my vows to stay with him. Don't know if I could break them.

[MrsGradyOldLady]

Did he not make vows to be faithful? I really think you should go out and fuck someone entirely unsuitable ASAP. That's my advice.

[Lillygolightly]

I posted about the light and shade because I've been there. I was so willing to let all the negativite and bad points slide because in the early days it was like 90% of what we have is so shockingly perfect that I told myself I could live with 10% of shit because everyone has their faults right??? As time went on and the more trade offs I made in the efforts of being that 'great partner' the 'cool girlfriend' a little bit of me died inside each time (prob my self esteem and my self respect). Him on the other hand was having a right old jolly as the more boundaries I let him cross the more he took. I was a bloody fool! For a long time I carried on, going through the motions plastered a smile on my face but inside I was just miserable. On the outside we looked the perfect couple, he'd always be quick to tell everyone how wonderful I was, how in love he was with me...but you know what he really loved? Why he really loved me? It wasn't me he loved at all, what he loved about me was only how desperately I loved him, and the fact I loved him so desperately gave him so much freedom to do whatever he wanted! Had I stood up, made a stand, said NO...he would have been out the door! What I can tell you is that I really really wish I'd stood up, I wish I'd said no, I wish he'd gone! Instead I became a miserable shadow of my former self dining out on the scraps of affection/attention that were always on his terms.

The path your on is a very slippery slope, and what I've written you'll either identify with or you'll think no...it's not that bad...he is not that bad. Thing is, it never starts out that bad love, but it is how it ends up. With a man like him you won't win, you can't win, you can't win something that is never really yours, and he isn't yours at all when he is wanting someone to sleep with someone else. It's not a fantasy thing, like day dreaming a steamy sesh with Brad Pitt. He's talking to her, encouraging a sexual conversation and told you he would sleep with her if he could, and he will probably at some point. If she lived nearby he would have done so already, I think you know that.

Don't be me, don't do why I did and try to be 'cool' about it because trust me he will have gotten his rocks off and you will be heartbroken.

You probably won't leave him now, or even soon, I can tell your not ready, your not there yet. But remember what I've said, please don't let it get to the point where the shade overtakes the light and you loose yourself.

[MrsGradyOldLady]

lilly has obviously been where you are. After thinking about it what I would do in your situation is this : Since you've now got an open relationship I would have sex with someone that you find attractive. In the marital bed and ideally take photos. Then tell him that you tried your best but unfortunately fell onto his cock. Oh and he may want to turn his pillow over.

But then I am a complete twat.

[Lillygolightly]

Just for the record, those who are suggesting you give him a dose of his own medicine and sleep with someone else. This will only suffice in making you feel shit and give him carte blanch to do what the fuck he likes. He will dine out on it, hold it over your head and any time you may object to anything he will only be too quick to remind you that you have no place to talk after what 'you' did. He will make you feel guilty and shit and use it as a weapon to get away with murder.

At least from where you sit now you have the moral high ground. I'd rather be a faithful mug, than stoop to his level.

[Lillygolightly]

MrsGrady

[CloudedPensive]

I would never ever have sex with another man. Nope. It is completely against my beliefs, I'm not going to sin just because he has.

Thank you Lilly, I do identify with what you have written, though I don't think it's as bad. You are right, I'm not ready to leave or anything like that. I shall remember what you have said.

[Lillygolightly]

Good, remember it and keep it with you and when you need a reminder come back here.

I understand not being ready to leave, it's hard to let go of something that feels so wonderful 'most' of the time. You'll get there, it takes time, letting go is a bit of a process and it will be him pushing you over the edge until you can't take anymore. You can and will let go when you ready...just remember to save yourself!

[FeralBeryl]

You are NOT a fool. You live with someone who has pushed and pushed your self esteem so low that you now believe you just aren't worth more.

Well, guess what-you are. You really are. No one should be in a relationship where someone will 'try' not to shag someone else.

[Nanny0gg]

Leaving the marriage isn't something I think I could do so I'll just try to work through this. Things can get better.

He's a pig.

You might be working through this, but he isn't. Is this the example your toddler needs to see?

[hellsbellsmelons]

It is completely against my beliefs
And you think it's OK to bring your DC up learning the complete opposite of what you believe??
WOW!

[BeckyWithTheHair]

Oh clouded I feel for you.

It sounds like whatever you choose you will be unhappy in some way. If you allow him to sleep with someone else (and will it be just one person?) you will be unhappy but if you don't allow him you will always be wondering if he has and by the way you have described him he probably will. You say you could never leave the marriage but would you be happier in the long run if you did? Maybe not at first, but eventually. If you stay will you not always be unhappy?

From what you have said he's had an emotional affair with this person already, what if allowing him a physical affair results in him deciding that actually he wants to continue a relationship with that person instead? I'm sorry it sounds mean, but it's a possibility surely?

I would tell him you have changed your mind, you don't want him to have a physical affair and you don't want him contacting any more women. It's you and you only or you show him the door. See what his attitude is to that and you will know where you stand then. Honesty if he can't take your ultimatum then he doesn't deserve you.

[BoatyMcBoat]

clouded you said "feelings just develop". Yes they do, if you let them. If you don't let them then they don't.

Supposing there was a new guy at work, you see him every day, you get on well, joke about, talk about all sorts, you have lunch together. You realise that you don't feel quite the same way towards him as you do to your other male colleagues, in fact you fancy him a bit and like him quite a lot.....

Do you continue to go to lunch with him, have a laugh and a joke with him beyond the needs of the job? Or do you hold back, work with him but have lunch with others, only talk about work with him?

Your dh chose to allow feelings he had for another woman to develop. He is continuing to choose to allow those feelings to develop.

No, feelings don't just develop. You can stop them dead in their tracks if you want to. You would want to. Your dh doesn't.

[cozietoesie]

You'd best go for a sexual health check as soon as you can.

(They're very straightforward. You can usually just walk in off the street - so take a magazine/book or something to while away any waiting time. Details of times, places etc should be easy to find for your area from a quick internet search.)

[summerwinterton]

It may be against your beliefs but it isn't against his.

And btw most women would not put up with a wandering eye. Talking to other women, sharing pics and having an online relationship is cheating enough. You are focussing on sex but he has already had emotional affairs. And I would bet any money he has probably slept with ow during your faux marriage. The fact that you are accepting this blindly is heartbreaking and worrying in equal measure. Why do you think you deserve so little and why on earth show your own dc this is what a marriage should be like. It is very concerning. This is 2016, not 1930.

[TheOptimisticPessimist]

I'm not going to sin just because he has.

Is there a religious element to this clouded?

[CloudedPensive]

Yes optimist, there is.

And you think it's OK to bring your DC up learning the complete opposite of what you believe??
WOW!

No I don't, that's why I posted. I'm not sure what to do about anything at the moment.

I have no idea why/how I've gotten in this situation. I just feel stuck.

Sorry if I'm not responding properly to people, I dont mean to be rude , I'm taking on board what people are saying, just finding it difficult to organise my thoughts.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Clouded you don't owe us anything.
We are your sounding board and you respond however you want.

Why do you feel stuck??

[JamesTiberiusKirk]

Op, totally agree with hellsbellsmelons, you don't owe any of us a response - I just hope the advice you are getting here is helping in some way.

Is your husband religious? Does he respect your views?

[cozietoesie]

Clouded

You owe people here nothing.

The reason I mentioned the 'health check' is, in particular, that some people think that oral sex is outside the risk area - doesn't count in some way, and also doesn't require condoms. And it certainly is in the risk area, leaving aside any other matters.

Get yourself checked out.

[Goldenhandshake]

"Feelings develop", well yes they do, when you are married and using dating apps and talking to people in a completely inappropriate manner that you would be raging about were your other half to do the same.

He already pole jumped over the boundaries of what is acceptable in a marriage. Marriage vows often include 'to love and honour' do they not? How has he honoured you, your marriage or your DC?

Please try to get some real life, outside perspective on this, a close friend or relative you can confide in.

I am hot headed so would have booted him out in dramatic fashion well before now, but understand you are struggling with the enormity of it all. At least start looking into options, gathering evidence of his earnings and so on, so that, when you find the strength to leave, everything is in place and you can flick him the bird and walk away.