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Original poster

WTF have I done?

144 replies

CloudedPensive · 04/05/2016 23:36

Not really sure why I'm writing this,..i just need to get it out I think so don't mind about not replyingSmile
Been with Dh 8 years, have a toddler, we've had ups and downs like most couples etc.
We've been having a really good few months lately, stressful situations have been sorted out to do with housing and stuff.
Dh has always had a bit of a wandering eye, I've not really minded about it. He likes to go on social apps too.
Problem is that a couple of weeks ago when we where in bed he told me that he really fancies a woman from the app, they have talked for months, don't say much, she mostly sends rude pics and chats a little. I tried to be understanding and laugh it off as it's just infatuation.
However a week ago we were talking about it and he says he is sorry but he can't help fancying and wanting to sleep with this woman/other women. He said hr would probably have sex with her if he could. Somehow I ended up saying that I accept it and agreed to turn a blind eye, basically said if he needs a mistress then so be it. He is very happy with this.

I'm stupid to agree such things I know. I just feel it's better to accept such things, we have a great marriage otherwise.

I just feel so numb about it all though. I don't feel happy or sad. I can't believe this is what my marriage has turned into, me allowing a mistress. I've fucked up haven't I?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 05/05/2016 13:40

I thought this was a joke at first, shocked to the core it's not.

OP, you don't have a marriage, you have a man who has probably be shagging about behind your back the whole time - it's just now he's deciding to come clean because he knows you will accept any crap he throws at you.

Possibly the saddest post I've read in a long time.

Tatiana - is this really all you think you are worth - having sex when you hate it, Jesus, honestly the more I read on here the more fed up I get.

Tatiana11235 · 05/05/2016 13:49

Jan45, although irrelevant to this thread but I would like to say having sex when you hate it is no different to me than having to wash up or iron or cook when you hate it. Just another chore. It's got nothing to do with what I'm worth. It's what needs to be done.

Duckdeamon · 05/05/2016 13:52

Wtf tatiana!

SuckingEggs · 05/05/2016 13:54
Confused
Tatiana11235 · 05/05/2016 14:08

Oh come on, is it really such a big deal?

The question I posed to OP is relevant to this thread. In my opinion.

Seeyounearertime · 05/05/2016 14:11

Not really tatiana

It's a different thing, you're OK with your husband sticking his cock in someone else, OP isn't, hence the thread.
If she was OK with it, as you are, the thread wouldn't be here.

Moistly · 05/05/2016 14:15

Omg Op Sad

How can you think you marriage is great apart from this? No, no no

Tatiana11235 · 05/05/2016 14:18

Seeyounearertime, I can't say I'm ecstatic about the prospect but who am I to deny him fulfillment of basic needs? It's not his problem that I hate sex.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 05/05/2016 14:20

He's actually saying "I'll try to respect my wife but most probably won't bother to respect her"

Jan45 · 05/05/2016 14:24

I don't see the correlation between washing dishes and renting out your body for sex to a man that knows you don't want it.

And yes for most of us and I'm not even married, my man sticking his cock elsewhere would be a massive deal. Each to their own though.

Tatiana11235 · 05/05/2016 14:34

Jan45, I had to offer him an option of going elsewhere for sex because he wouldn't have it with me as I don't want it. Him doing it with somebody else is a massive deal but I am trying to compromise. The correlation is that we all do something we don't like at some point, be it washing up or whatever else.

TheOptimisticPessimist · 05/05/2016 14:35

Op you need to wake up. Your marriage isn't great. Your husband is a prick that wants to fuck other women and all he can say to you is 'he'll try his hardest not to'?!
Is that what he said in his vows? 'Trying my hardest to forsake all others but you'll just have to turn a blind eye if I slip up. Which I will. Because I have no intention at all of staying faithful to my wife'.

You're worth so much more than this. You deserve to be with someone that actually gives a damn about you.

I know you've said you don't want to end your marriage, but be honest with yourself. Is being alone really worse than spending the rest of your life feeling like this? Wondering where he's been, who he's been fucking, what you might catch, whether they're saying anything about you in bed, laughing that he has carte blanche to do whatever he wants safe in the knowledge you'll just accept it no matter how much it hurts? He's an ass that has shown you again and again how little he cares about your feelings and your happiness. He's not going to suddenly change and see the light, and even if he swore his fidelity would you ever really trust him? Being alone may seem like a horrendous prospect now, but is it really worth staying with this man just to avoid it?

Please, get away from this man and start afresh. Staying with him will do nothing positive for your self esteem and mental health Flowers

Seeyounearertime · 05/05/2016 14:37

Tatiana it worries me that you sound less than happy about your man having sex with other people. You do know that it's not a requirement to stay with someone right? You are allowed to leave and find another asexual with which to spend your life? Surely that's better than being unhappy?

P1nkP0ppy · 05/05/2016 14:44

he's going to try not to wtf?!
I bet he's already doing it op, and is just making sure you're ok with that.....
I'd kick his backside out the door or be off like a shot, he's taking the piss imo.

Reading the thread is making me very angry.

Lillygolightly · 05/05/2016 15:04

I can completely understand where you are coming from, and you are just not ready to let go, to let go of him and let go of the future and family you thought you had. You relationship when it is good, is likely very good....I am betting you have the kind of relationship that has drastic light and shade. These are the most intoxicating, addicting kind of relationships to have, but they are emotionally dangerous and draining. When your in the light, it is oh so so wonderful and you think you could pinch yourself at how lucky you are, but then along comes the shade and the shade is a dark dark lonely place filled with doubt and insecurity. The reason your not ready to let go yet is because you have more light than shade at this current point in your relationship, and so you focus and romanticize on those points. With each impasse be it other women, porn, escorts you ask yourself whether you can put up with it, and whether you should leave (currently where you are at) but you keep pulling yourself back from making the break because your looking to the light and sweeping the shade under the carpet with each acceptance/forgiveness for his indiscretion.

Trust me when I say that there WILL come a point where the shade in your relationship outweighs the light and the light points will become more and more sparse before they eventually become a distant memory. At this point you will wonder how you got to this point, you will wonder why you gave this poor excuse for a man the best years of your life. I know he is probably very good looking, very charming, and when he is "acting" the man you want him to be its wonderful...BUT it is just that....AN ACT! It is not who he really is!! When your in the depths of the shade that is who he REALLY is!!! Do you really WANT that man, do you really WANT that relationship???

Save yourself my love....walk away, take your best years and your self esteem with you! Someone who truly loves and cares about you will NOT want to sleep with other women...he will certainly not have to TRY to keep his dick in his pants...he just will, because it will be YOU and ONLY YOU he wants! Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 05/05/2016 15:11

Reading the thread is making me very very sad Sad

sianihedgehog · 05/05/2016 15:28

OP, I've not always been a very good person and I've been the other woman in a situation like yours. I would be very surprised if he isn't already fucking the other woman.

You need to stand up and ask for what you want in your relationship. I know it probably doesn't seem like I had much in common with you in the situation but, oh, I did. I loved that man, and I had no self esteem and I would take whatever scrap of love he could give me. I never asked him to leave his wife, or believed he would, or believed that I could even have a man I loved who loved me the same way and made me the center of his life the way he was the center of mine.

Just tell your husband you aren't okay with it after all. Tell him you want him to be faithful if that is what you want. Ask for what you want and don't try to settle for being miserable.

Eventually I did, and oh my God the breakup was awful. But actually, I DO have someone who is a proper partner now. We have a house and a baby and I never worry that he is unfaithful. I can rely on making plans for the future with him and I feel like I deserve to be loved the same way I give love.

You deserve that too, OP.

BoatyMcBoat · 05/05/2016 16:50

No! You are worth more than this. You child is worth more than this.

JellyBean31 · 05/05/2016 19:27

Unlike the opinions of pp I don't think he has necessarily done anything other than message at this stage.

Like someone else whose commented I have been in exactly this situation but on the other side. We never met, (I never sent naked pictures) but our messages were very sexually explicit.

If his wife had seen them & posted on here everyone would say he's definitely slept with her...

I'm not proud btw... It was a few weeks of madness then common sense and morality prevailed.

pocketsaviour · 05/05/2016 20:48

Most people cheat. Monogamy is really fucking hard for a lot of people.

Your DH has been honest and told you that he's likely to bang someone else. ("I'll try not to" LOL.)

So you can either agree to a don't ask don't tell arrangement (obviously that goes for you too, I'd suggest Tinder to start with looking for your own FWB.) Or you can sack him off and take your chances with someone else.

If monogamy (or the attempt at it) is important to you, probably best to finish this now.

MummyBex1985 · 05/05/2016 22:21

Jesus. Have I entered the twilight zone? Hmm Confused

SuckingEggs · 05/05/2016 22:31

I think so, Mummy

SleepingTiger · 05/05/2016 22:45

Crikey.
Is there a term for a 'reverse cocklodger'?

SuckingEggs · 05/05/2016 22:50

I think it's wanker.

SuckingEggs · 05/05/2016 22:51

I mean, I just don't get the whole 'sod loyalty' thing.

Perhaps I'm old-fashioned Confused

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