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Original poster

WTF have I done?

144 replies

CloudedPensive · 04/05/2016 23:36

Not really sure why I'm writing this,..i just need to get it out I think so don't mind about not replyingSmile
Been with Dh 8 years, have a toddler, we've had ups and downs like most couples etc.
We've been having a really good few months lately, stressful situations have been sorted out to do with housing and stuff.
Dh has always had a bit of a wandering eye, I've not really minded about it. He likes to go on social apps too.
Problem is that a couple of weeks ago when we where in bed he told me that he really fancies a woman from the app, they have talked for months, don't say much, she mostly sends rude pics and chats a little. I tried to be understanding and laugh it off as it's just infatuation.
However a week ago we were talking about it and he says he is sorry but he can't help fancying and wanting to sleep with this woman/other women. He said hr would probably have sex with her if he could. Somehow I ended up saying that I accept it and agreed to turn a blind eye, basically said if he needs a mistress then so be it. He is very happy with this.

I'm stupid to agree such things I know. I just feel it's better to accept such things, we have a great marriage otherwise.

I just feel so numb about it all though. I don't feel happy or sad. I can't believe this is what my marriage has turned into, me allowing a mistress. I've fucked up haven't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudedPensive · 05/05/2016 00:35

It's not the first time the subject of him possibly sleeping with other women had been talked about, it's been mentioned a few times in the past. I've always known he liked other women, when we first met he ended up sleeping with someone and that caused a lot of problems for a long time.It hurt be alot and he knows that (still hurts me tbh).
It just seems like it's kind of inevitable that it will happen anyway, I don't think me protesting would make any difference really. He wants to do it, he won't stop wanting to because I say no.
I am stupid I know, but I really don't want to end my marriage.

Think I'm going to try sleeping, I fear I may just go round in circles tonight, don't wish to frustrate anyone.
I don't mean to drip feed or anything.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 05/05/2016 00:38

You're the mother of his child, and you deserve better.

Canyouforgiveher · 05/05/2016 00:40

given what you said, yeah it is inevitable that your dh will have sex with other women.

If you want to put up with it well that is your choice.

No matter what you do - agree to let him off to fuck other women or demand and not get fidelity, it really doesn't matter.

One way or the other, you will be divorced from him within 5-10 years. Most likely in circumstances where you put up with everything, he has a great time, he meets someone or gets really tired of domesticity and he leaves. That is honestly the way it will go.

I do wish you had someone who could look out for you and help you treat yourself better.

memyselfandaye · 05/05/2016 00:44

You are worth so much more than this.

So he's ALWAYS going to use condoms, ok, except that one time he doesn't and then comes home and sleeps with you, are you prepared to catch an STI? Cos you know what? He will want something more exciting and thrilling, cos where is the fun in being naughty if he has permission from you? So he will take risks.

What if some woman's husband or boyfriend comes looking for him to kick the shit out of him for shagging his wife?

Are you happy to wash his cum stained undies after he's been away for some fun?

Finally, is this the sort of life you would want for your child when they are grown up? Well kid, Daddies fuck around and us little women just accept it.

Tell him to fuck off, find some pride and value yourself more.

katsopolis · 05/05/2016 00:50

Special delivery for you OP: it's your self respect.

LTB. Seriously.

oldlaundbooth · 05/05/2016 00:53

Blood and sand OP, grow a pair.

If I were you I'd be showing your darling hubbster pictures of hot guys with huge cocks, saying you've messaged them on Tinder, you're gonna meet them for a few hours, what's good for the goose is good for the gander after all?

'Inevitable that it will happen'?

So if it's inevitable, then your relationship is over. It was over a long time ago. You're stronger than you think, OP Flowers

BirthdayBetty · 05/05/2016 01:03

What marriage?

SilverBirchWithout · 05/05/2016 01:15

I think you having trying to convince yourself up to now that you can live with 'his openly wandering eye' and the past infidelity but now you are having to face up up to the fact he is not a emotionally or physically faithful person.

You have been trying to keep your relationship going by being the 'cool' wife accepting minor infidelities or even a mistress. You now realise, quite reasonably, this will destroy your marriage for you.

Tell him how you feel, make him listen. You deserve more than this and unless, after that conversation, you really can begin to trust him again walk away from the marriage.

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 01:40

Your marriage is over.

Now he's just shitting all over your self-esteem too for good measure.

He did this before and hurt you, and he's perfectly happy to do it again? Does he actually not care about your feelings at all?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 05/05/2016 02:16

Of course he's 'very happy'
He's just been given permission to fuck around with zero guilt.

It might be inevitable that he screws around, but don't give him Carte Blanche to do it.

Original poster
CloudedPensive · 05/05/2016 11:09

Well undecided to bite the bullet and speak to him this morning. I told him I don't want him to do such things, it upsets me. He said he will try his hardest not to do anything.
I guess that's a positive, I feel better for voicing my disapproval anyway.

Thanks for the responses, I don't think I would have said anything without them.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudedPensive · 05/05/2016 11:10

I decided* not undecided.

OP posts:
Ellarose85 · 05/05/2016 11:12

Try his hardest?

My DP says this when he is going to do something anyway but what's to sssh me.

You deserve better OP Flowers

Branleuse · 05/05/2016 11:14

im sorry OP but youre a doormat. Youre agreeing to stuff that eats you up inside because you have given up all hope of trusting him anyway. I dread to think where your self esteem is. Dragging on the floor?

I have nothing against open relationships, but thats not what he wants. He just wants to piss all over your feelings. I hope you realise how much better you can do than him,

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2016 11:14

Try his hardest not to have sex with someone? I agree with Ellarose, that's what people say when they're going to do something anyway.

Seeyounearertime · 05/05/2016 11:16

he will try his hardest not to do anything

What a load of bollocks. There's no such thing as try not to cheat.
You either do or don't, if he does, he has decided to show how little you mean to him, how little your children mean, how little he respects and cares about his family.

OP... He's a CUNT. He does not deserve your consideration, your respect, your love and understanding.

MardleBum · 05/05/2016 11:18

He's been honest with you, which one positive I suppose. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me though. I think you need to tell him that you fine with trying out an open relationship on both sides, and then go about the pretence of looking for someone yourself. I know you don't want to but I think it's important he should confront his feelings about you doing the same.

If he's going to be total hypocrite about it then you can tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and leave to find someone be with who has more respect for you.

BirthdayBetty · 05/05/2016 11:19

Try his hardest not to have sex with another woman, very magnanimous of him Confused

rainbowstardrops · 05/05/2016 11:24

He's going to try his hardest not to shag another woman?! That's not a bloody marriage!

I have never said this on here before and I usually roll my eyes at those who do ...... but L T B!!!!

He can shag who he likes and when he likes then.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/05/2016 11:26

Urgghhh... good god he sounds fucking vile!
That is all.

Original poster
CloudedPensive · 05/05/2016 11:30

I get what you are all saying, if this was written by someone else then I would be saying the same.
I could never even pretend to want another man, DH knows this, I feel repulsion at the thought.

It sounds stupid that he's going to try but I think that's all anyone can do really, to try their hardest.

I don't know, still feel strange about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudedPensive · 05/05/2016 11:31

Leaving the marriage isn't something I think I could do so I'll just try to work through this. Things can get better.

OP posts:
UntilTheCowsComeHome · 05/05/2016 11:35

My parents relationship was like this.

My dad cheated, mum threw him out they got divorced. They got back together with my dad promising he won't cheat again. He cheated. He told my mum he can't help it but still loves her. My mum decided it was easier to turn a blind eye so at least she'd have him around and helping with the kids.

I grew up with my mum constantly miserable, my dad disappearing sometimes for weeks, then them being totally in love again because my dad had promised her the world.

I hated it growing up and my mum was never happy. She lived a miserable existence until she died young.

Oh and of course there was the time it was discovered my dad had fathered a child in the early 80s. We found out about her when she was 15.

Don't do this to yourself or your child. You both deserve better. Flowers

Branleuse · 05/05/2016 11:35

oh well, good luck Clouded pensive. Hes really got you where he wants you. Laughing at you with his fuck buddy and pretending to give a shit about you, while you agree to anything he asks.

Just remember, you have more power here than you think you do, and youre basically an abused woman

twocultures · 05/05/2016 11:36

Do you think you need to consider your self worth and self esteem more?
What would you think if your friend told you that she allowed her DH to do this?
How do you think you'll feel once you know he is meeting, having fun and sex with other women whilst you're taking care of your DC, washing his clothes (which he will wear to meet those women), taking care of the house and everyone in it and then he comes home to you and plays happy families?

Does that make you feel appreciated and loved?
How will your child see it if they ever found out?
There's one thing being in an open relationship... But what does it say about your DH if he thinks it's ok for him to do that yet does not think its acceptable for you to do the same thing? Does it mean he's more entitled than you?

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