WTF have I done?

[CloudedPensive]

Not really sure why I'm writing this,..i just need to get it out I think so don't mind about not replying
Been with Dh 8 years, have a toddler, we've had ups and downs like most couples etc.
We've been having a really good few months lately, stressful situations have been sorted out to do with housing and stuff.
Dh has always had a bit of a wandering eye, I've not really minded about it. He likes to go on social apps too.
Problem is that a couple of weeks ago when we where in bed he told me that he really fancies a woman from the app, they have talked for months, don't say much, she mostly sends rude pics and chats a little. I tried to be understanding and laugh it off as it's just infatuation.
However a week ago we were talking about it and he says he is sorry but he can't help fancying and wanting to sleep with this woman/other women. He said hr would probably have sex with her if he could. Somehow I ended up saying that I accept it and agreed to turn a blind eye, basically said if he needs a mistress then so be it. He is very happy with this.

I'm stupid to agree such things I know. I just feel it's better to accept such things, we have a great marriage otherwise.

I just feel so numb about it all though. I don't feel happy or sad. I can't believe this is what my marriage has turned into, me allowing a mistress. I've fucked up haven't I?

[Seeyounearertime]

Things can get better.

Ask yourself this....
You're unhappy and you want things to be better. Does he? Why would he try to improve things when he's basically got you exactly where he wants you?

Things won't get better for you OP, they won't. They will get worse. He'll try not to sleep with another woman? What a prick. And when he does eventually cheat on you, if he hasn't already, what then?
"Well I tried to not put my cock into another woman's vagina, but it was like a magnet, I couldn't help it"
Will you just forgive him? Wash the other woman's juices out of his pubes for him? Scrub his pants clean so that he's not too embarrassed in front of the next slapper he shags? What about when he kisses you with lips that have been around some other woman's vagina? Touches you with fingers stained with another woman's cunt?

I know I'm sounding really, really vile and horrible, but you can see what I'm driving at don't you?

[CloudedPensive]

I know what you are driving at and I'm not offended, I'm still thinking about things .

[Branleuse]

He wants you to be his cuckold

[rainbowstardrops]

I don't mean to be rude OP but why on earth would your partner not shag somebody else when he knows that you'll be a doormat and just accept it?!

Have a bit more self-worth than that please.

[Penfold007]

OP I'd bet a pound to a penny he's already having sex with other women. Ask him does he mind if you have sex with another man. He's done a real number on your self esteem

[twocultures]

And just remember (I've seen a similar situation unfold), if you've given him permission to do this or if you accept it, next time he will push the boundaries even more, and more, and more until he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and when you finally tell him that you don't want him to do these things anymore or that he's destroying your marriage or hurting you, it will all get turned around on you, because you allowed it in the first place, you knew about it and you were ok with it and then you changed your mind after he got used to living this life.
And maybe you'll work it out, maybe you'll split up or who knows maybe you'll agree with him and carry on with the illusion...
I just hope you really think about YOU and what would make YOU happy not HIM.
I really hope it all works out for you OP and you find yourself back on your feet, whatever you end up doing

[AriaTloak]

I would say I don't mean to be rude but honestly I'm dumbfounded by what I've read.

You're a mug.

[Seeyounearertime]

I know it's trotted out a lot on MN but come in OP, how would you react if your DC was in this situation?
Would you be fine watching your son cheating on his wife and mother of your grandchildren?
Would you be okay watching you daughter being emotionally battered and cheated on?

You're setting a dangerous precedent.

[molyholy]

Your marriage is over. Now he's just shitting all over your self-esteem too for good measure.

This ^

Jesus Christ OP. I want to shake you.

He'll 'try his hardest' not to fuck other women. Well isn't he a fucking diamond!!!!

If you toddler is a girl, she will grow up thinking yours is a normal realtionship. The man can shit all over the woman, having mistresses and the wife allows this while staying at home carrying out wifely duties.

If your toddler is a boy, he will grow up to think it is normal to treat his partner like your twat of a husband is treating you.

Sorry to be harsh OP, but please open your eyes and think of this a couple of years down the line.

[CloudedPensive]

I know I'm a mug. I didn't expect or want to end up like this. I don't know how it all happened. What you are all saying is the truth, I know it.

I'm going to log off and go for a walk,need to clear my mind a little.

[AriaTloak]

I can't get my head around staying in a miserable marriage being cheated on & walked over just because you don't want to be alone.
How does a person become so weak & have so little self worth?!

[notapizzaeater]

Surely being alone is better than this ?

[AriaTloak]

I'd rather be alone the rest of my entire life than settle for someone who would "try his hardest" not to fall dick first into other women.

It's disgusting!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Who knows why people put up with this.
Their upbringing?
The fact they have probably been emotionally abused over years and years and not really noticed?

He's done a real number on you OP.
I think a phone call to Womens Aid might open your eyes to a few things.
Maybe not. I could be completely wrong but for you to just roll over and accept this suggests he's been head fucking you for years.

[Branleuse]

OP, do you have a good relationship with your mum and dad?

[SuckingEggs]

Um, what the hell has happened to you that you think this is normal? What would you do if your child was in your situation?!

Your DH is a cunting knobbing wanking bastard.

Get the fuck out, FGS!

[MatrixReloaded]

I've some experience with this. In all likelihood he's probably already slept with her . He's now looking for you to sanction it so he doesn't have to lie and sneak around.

[AntiqueSinger]

I second women's aid.

You shouldn't be sooo grateful for the good things in your marriage that you sacrifice your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

The fact that your DH was unabashedly frank and willing to share the fact that he is eyeing dirty pics of a woman with (if she knows he's married) low moral standards, and then quite cheerfully tells you he feels the need to shag her, demonstrates his complete lack of respect and contempt for you and your feelings..

Sorry to put it like that but you cannot twist his 'honesty' into a virtue. Although doubtless that's how he'll spin it, with a: 'would you rather I did it behind your back speech.' His telling you his intentions is nothing less than comtemptuous of you, your wedding vows, your commitment to each other, your feelings, and your dc.

Frankly the fact he allowed himself to get to that point and actually even thought it, let alone said it to me, would result in the response of 'Yeah I give you my blessing. Please leave your keys on the way out, because you'll be staying at hers from now on. Give me her address and I'll have your clothes delivered or you can collect them at the doorstep. Whichever you prefer. Have a good time.'

[JamesTiberiusKirk]

Leaving the marriage isn't something I think I could do so I'll just try to work through this. Things can get better.

They could, but it's hard to believe they will. He certainly doesn't seem to have a good track record.

You sound in denial about what all of this really means. You have green-lighted him to sleep with other women and have affairs. As someone said above, he has cuckolded you.

You aren't stuck with any of this - it is entirely in your hands. If you aren't comfortable with this arrangement then tell him. If you don't think he will respect your wishes then walk away. Do you really want years and years of wondering who he is with, when he will be home or whether he falls in love with one of the women he is sleeping with? Don't do that to yourself.

[Iamdobby63]

Perhaps you should make it clear that if he fails in his efforts to not sleep with someone else then there will be consequences.

Clearly this man doesn't make you feel good about yourself, I dont know if him making you so insecure was contrived or not (I suspect it was) but this is no way to live your life. Im suspecting he is manipulative and subtly controlling. Can I suggest some sort of therapy where you can explore why you would accept this and hopefully build some self confidence.

[magoria]

He had already got to the stage where he was exchanging dirty pictures and messages before talking to you about it.

If he hadn't done that he probably wouldn't want to fuck her.

The lack of respect for you is sad.

That he would not allow you the same liberty show what a selfish price he really is.

It is ok for him to sleeze around and risk your sexual health but not ok for you.

Wrong on so many levels.

You deserve better.

[Mrskeats]

This makes hard reading
If hes been faithful I will eat my hat
Try his hardest, is he five?
Please think about what you are doing
Life is too short for all this crap

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I know you are trying to save your marriage, but please remember that if he's already exchanging dirty pictures and planning to shag other women, he's probably got your replacement in mind anyway. You'll just put yourself through hell until he gets the balls to admit it.

Saying he'll try is pathetic. Will he give up the app and other women too?

[Twinkie1]

He'll try!

What like wrestling his penis as it, snake like, tries to escape from his pants??

Seriously, you need to tell him that shagging other women is not part of any marriage contract you entered into and he needs to pack and leave.

[Tatiana11235]

Do you two have sex?

I can kind of understand what you're doing if you have no sex life. I absolutely hate sex so told my husband he's free to get it elsewhere as it wouldn't be fair for him to lose out because of my preferences. I also told him I will never say no to him if he wants to have sex with me but he wants me to want it.

If you do have sex life but he still wants to have sex with other women then wtf?