Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

anna if there's no buzz it's hard to decide whether to try again isn't it? Well I.T man has messaged all day as has beach man!

Well I went to house war in and had one to many pimms. Fatal mistake of texting my iron, he may well have another date tonight as he hasn't asked me! Lol

House "warming"lol

Ribena and Help201602 it's interesting to hear other newbies on the dating field perspective. I think I like a work colleague as he showed signs of liking me. Now I'm frustrated and angry that he's not made more of an effort to talk with me when I've made it easier for him (emailing work info that we could talk in person about). Then I think it's too soon for me anyhow, then I think I've imagined his interest, then I think I've appeared uninterested to him, then I go full circle again. Reading other posts here it sounds like dating for longer periods is stressful too. I want some fun!

anna maybe a second date might bring different feelings, there's a lovely thread in the relationships bit about this, and if you had chemistry when you first met your other half or it came about later.
Don't lurk, come and tell us all about your news!

Shamelessly waiting for freaky

Anna there is too much expectation put on a first OLD meeting - we dont tend to expect passion the first time we meet in RL - getting on well & having lots in common is a great start! Why not see him again?

Hello everyone! A late quick update from me...

Sassy so sorry to hear about the work event and how it made you feel. Its a good idea to take a step back from dating but please pop in to see us!

Welcome to all the new faces!

Talky I am the same, I usually prefer to meet up quickly as you can get a false sense of intimacy over a long period of texting. He has agreed a date for Monday, so I would ask him nearer the time for firm details. Don't feel bad for asking, your time is precious and you may have other plans!

misszp excellent news on getting the keys, a fresh start even though there are twinges of sadness related to what you've had to let go of . Regarding YTP it's difficult but I don't think you can do any more than you've already done. He needs to get his act together and pursue you otherwise he will miss his chance. In the meantime get distracted by other irons if you can (this is my favourite advice for a lot of dating situations )

lilac dating is fun if you are in the right frame of mind and place to date. It can be wearing and tedious at times so you have to make sure you are ready. OLD in particular needs a thick skin! Your RL potential man is probably less of a risky prospect when it comes to needing a thick skin (there can be a lot of rejection when OLD) but definitely make sure you feel you are ready. It sounds like you are getting there!

Ribina what you have said about starting to get out and meet people sounds like a great idea. Don't be scared of tinder, it's very easy to use and the good thing is that nobody can send you messages unless you have matched. So you won't get random messages of unsavoury people. There's the odd exception (surprise married man etc) but you might find these on other sites too. Particularly OkCupid which I was only a member of for 12hrs

Lana good work with your irons, and I don't think that age gap is a concern, it depends on the men and their maturity. Definitely get living your amazing life!

Hello christmas I would say worth a second date. If somebody is good on paper a second look can't do any harm.

Anna it is worth keeping him in the background as a possible slow burner but I know what you mean about the passion. I really need instant chemistry otherwise I'm not feeling it.

Help is that the guy that was on holiday and supposed to be seeing you tonight?

what those two irons sound promising!

A big wave to everybody else. Hello last ocelot laugh Handy and everyone I've missed.

In my news I am officially smitten with Leicester and he is the same, the distance between us (more than 100 miles) is probably helping us not to get too carried away. But we are both on the same wavelength and want the same things. So I am very happy at the moment with how things are looking. The next date will be next week some time and we have a couple of dates planned in June. I have been remaining calm and not allowing myself to swoon too much but, after tonights phone call and realising we are on the same page, I am now going to swoon to my hearts content

Wowzers that post was mammoth!!

Date update!
Well, I was pleasantly surprised. He's much less doofusy in real life and more handsome than I thought he'd be. We had a nice drink, watched the film (which was great!) another drink after and he gave me a lift home. I asked him in for coffee which he had and then left...With just a hug and no snogs...bah! But for a zeroith date it was pretty good, I suppose. Certainly a very pleasant way to spend a Sat night. He said we'd catch up...or he'd be in touch or something so we'll see. I would like to see him again but equally won't be heartbroken if it doesn't happen. He's very sweet, lovely manners, seems like a good guy and I definitely fancied him. Think he fancied me too but I know that I can come across as disinterested when I am not....There is also the ghost of Bacon hovering a bit as our first date really set the standard for first dates but then look how that turned out...
Anyway, I need to go to bed! Will read and respond to everyone tomorrow (later today...)

Oh Yey Freaky what a nice date update! See what happens eh?

Haha re 'ghost of Bacon' - much better to have something less 'electric' - easier to get your head around!

And eek Foxtrot on the smitten bench!! I'm SUPER happy for you!

I agree Ana he sounds worth a second date. Not because of desperation but because date zero is as date zero does, no spark doesn't mean anything. I so hope your work/life situation is starting to get a bit easier.

Lana you are doing brilliantly with your irons.

christmas1 I would say yes, go for a second date.

to all!!

DRFOXTROT thanks for advice and I've been reading other posts to get some perpective on dating. This thread is v useful! I don't think I have a particularly thick skin at moment so unless anything happens with RL man I prob won't sign up for OLD and date for some time. I had a look at match.com, but it seemed strange to judge men based on photo, age and location. I didn't fully sign up so expect there's more to it if I fully put my details in. I keep getting emails from match suggesting men would be a match, which is flattering to read after STBXH left me for OW!

Lovely to hear that all the smitten kittens are still smitten, and hello to all the new daters.

I'm back OLD - my attempt at dating my former-FWB failed, when he found he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship FFS.

So I'm back on OKC and POF (of the two, I prefer OKC), and have been chatting to a couple of possibles. I have a date for Tuesday with an iron I'll call Wilt, and another for Bank Holiday Monday with Law.

It took me days to read the whole thread - I know I am woefully out of date with usernames and irons, so apologies!

Glad to hear date went well Freaky

Ah Lilac following on from your earlier post about that guy at work not making a move on you, do you think he knows you're single? As its only been 4months I think you said - maybe he just assumes you're happily married?

I think the mega young guy at my work assumes I'm married, as I'm always going on about school run etc.

This week is actually looking like the most interesting I've had for a long time. On weds I'm in charge of four visiting men at work (will need to wear nice outfit and be practice my flirting😁]
Wed night is first work drinks with this mega young guy. Don't really want anything to happen now, as 12 years is prob too big an age gap. I'd feel silly in front of my friends. But hoping he'll try and chat me up or something.
Then on Fri I'm going out on the pull with some new friends.
I hope at least someone has chatted me up by the end of the week!!

Right, time for a proper update!

Handy It IS nice to have something less electric. It was a very normal feeling zeroith date really, couple of awkward silences, we chatted about the usual things...family, jobs, hobbies, music and FRIENDS. It made me realise how odd Bacon was with his lack of friends cos last night both of us mentioned friends in the ordinary context of getting to know each other chat.
Doofus messaged when he got in to say that he'd got home and "thanks for a nice night" Little bit underwhelmed by the "nice" but didn't Twix pull something similar after your first date?
Anyway, I would like to see him again but not sure when. He's away next weekend (hobby! friends! ) and the distance makes midweek meets tricky. I think the distance is going to scupper it actually, if he was more local, we could be cinema buddies at least. But we'll see. It's nice to be relaxed about this. I know if I message, he'll reply and I even feel OK about suggesting a 2nd date when I have some free time.

Sky How are you getting on with Tinder? I did an experiment the other night when I swiped right on everyone! I would not recommend it...I got no more quality matches and I actually ran out of likes! Still, worth a try...

Foxtrot YAY for the swooning and being on the same page. What a lovely feeling!

Talky I'd ask to confirm the date too. Suggest a bar or restaurant or something and a time. I bloody hate hanging around for details to be confirmed and not knowing if it's actually going ahead.

misszp congratulations on the house! I think you need to detach as much as possible from YPT. He knows where you stand, he can come to you if he's interested. Way, way easier said than done I know, especially when you'll be seeing him at the gym but I don't think you can do any more to push him the other way so...

lilac Welcome and sorry about your ex. Dating CAN be fun. I had a really good time last night and am managing to be angst free about what happens next. And I've had dates like that before where I've met a nice guy, had a nice time and it's not gone anywhere. But it can also be a total, complete head fuck, trying to get to know a total stranger and second guessing what he's thinking. And that's after getting rejected by hundreds of total strangers on a daily basis! God, I'm making it sound horrible now... You do need to be in a good place to handle it, I think. I'd advise anyone who's about to embark on OLD to look after themselves first. For me, that means eating properly, getting enough exercise and looking after my (sometimes dodgy...) mental health by meditating etc. Then make sure you have a strong social life in place...lots of hobbies, seeing friends etc. THEN start with the dating. Basically, what Lana said in her post

Ribina Sounds as though you'll have a busy week coming up! Flexing your flirting muscles is a very good plan. I'd actually start with Tinder. It's really not scary! It's quite an easy, casual way of "meeting" people and if things don't go well you can unmatch and poof they disappear!

Batshit Welcome back to the thread lovely! Good luck with your upcoming dates!

Sassy Sorry you are having a tough time but sounds as though a break from dating is what you need right now. Please do lurk and post...we need your wisdom! Take care x

I'm going to end there as this has been an EPIC post so sorry if I missed anyone!

Yes Freaky Twix did say something similar after our zeroth date. And basically set the tone for never telling me openly about his keenness haha!!

Except the chemistry on date 0 was electric (oops) and still is (big fat oops). It's a bit of a mindf*ck, actually (warning, me me me post) It makes things super intense when we're together. Then it's texts, for six days. But at the same time we are moving the right direction. His texts are an unfolding evolution of keen/smitten-ness. And he even jokingly mentioned introducing the kids to me in a text. In the context of a joke, but nonetheless..... We are spending days together next weekend at last (I hope). And that will help me figure things out a bit better. I'm being a bit vague here because I can't go into intimate detail but I've found myself googling 'high chemistry relationships' (to no avail). With Twix and me I have to work really really super mega hard to stay grounded and look after myself. What I've learned is that this kinda of chemistry is frankly exhausting and not necessarily healthy. I have found myself pining for the idea of a more 'ordinary' or 'meh' date that you have to discover if you like, IYSWIM. I have to keep having hard chats with myself about making sure my needs are met. It's work in progress.... But you'd have to prise me off the man and there's zero chance of me walking away even though I would warn a friend in my situation to be careful. It's still all very intriguing and gorgeous, just - knackering...

So Yey to you Freaky and your ordinary date. It's good. It really is.

OMG sorry about the me-rant (you opened a can of worms there Freaky)

Ok so Abe some catching up to do, as I expected I never heard back about tonight what was meant to be our second date!! It's annoying as every sign as so positive on our first and it was him who was so keen to book in our second halfway though the first! So anyway he went away for the week and I heard nothing!!! But unwind dwell on it!

Decided to delete my tinder account and start over again on it as it kept playing up so currently just starting to get matches by haven't got any new irons from there yet!

POF.....well the bikini picture sent my account into overdrive, getting 30 plus messages a day, to be fair no one I would really even be intrested in talking to expect just now exchanged a few messages with one local guy who seems pretty normal but he has no kids and is 36 so not sure if that's good and another guy who is super hot and I know I shouldn't be talking to him as he is only 26 but figured messaging is fine just no meeting!

Ribena it's a good point but my colleague knows I'm single as I had a few weeks off work sorting DCs and house out after STBXH walked out. When I came back he said it was good to see me back (people talk everyone knew!). I feel excited and terrified around him as I thought he liked me months before but nothing happened as I was seriously unhappily married. I think it was fairly obvious over last year that things weren't good at home. I feel embarrassed though as not been in this position (really liking a man) for ages and he looks embarrassed around me. He's 13 yrs older than me so maybe that worries him and he knows I'm in process of divorce so not straight forward single. I could be imagining it all so not confident to flirt in front of colleagues. Your drinks event sounds good - have fun!!
Freaky I've started second guessing and not even dating. I'd be hopeless with the waiting for calls and texts that come with it. Reading the success stories of happy people on here helps

Hi all - attended another OLD event for ages 50-70 (I'm 52). I don't know why the hell I am doing this to myself. It was undesirable man after undesirable man chatting me up and asking me out. They presented themselves to me and I shot them down - one after the other. It was a beating.

There were a lot of cool women there, though, so a large group of us went out to dinner afterward. All of them thought the men at the event were uninspired. We shared dating stories at dinner. Someone actually commented on the men in their 50s with young children and how women in their 50s wanted no part of a man in their 50s with a 3-year-old in tow. One woman said these are men who in their mid-life crises years hooked up with a much younger woman and they had a baby or two - so she was 20-30s and he was late 40s-early 50s - but after joint baby, the couple realized they had nothing in common and divorced leaving a man in his 50s with young children trying to date. They didn't exactly want another younger woman for a partner having BTDT. So, they were in a bit of a pickle.

Anyway - so this was another event that resulted in Dating Theory Conversation, but no actual dates.

Don't apologise Handy, it's interesting stuff! And I'm really glad that you are so aware of all of this and that things are now moving along as you wanted them to. Do you think it's actually a good thing at this stage that you are not able to see each other more than once a week? Does it help you keep your feet on the ground or make it worse?
But yeah, my ordinary date was good! It does really make the distance thing more annoying though, cos I think if anything was to happen with Doofus, it'd be a slow growing, being friends first kind of a deal and we'd need to see each other a fair amount for that to work, especially as he's not a big texter. I'm not writing it off just yet, just being realistic. Especially as he skipped out of here without trying it on and has not been in touch much today (mind you, that's not unusual for him...) Right, enough second guessing! What will be, will be and I am still swiping away and making plans for my Amazing Life.

Barb Sorry about Jamaica falling through Did you never hear back from him at all? Your instincts were spot on then. Local, normal and no kids sounds fine to me...worth exploring anyway. And have fun with the 26 year old

Lilac He could well be playing it cool as you are recently separated. And work things are always complicated..

Well itman is still messaging and beachman messaged early on this morning. So not a bad weekend ... good luck and well done to everyone who's had dates

Freaky I don't honestly know if the once a week thing is better or worse. On balance it's probably better. The last thing I want is for us to crash and burn (it's one risk when there is so much chemistry) and also I still want to have a bit more comfort/security in it - just a bit. I've been meditating loads on it all. What I need to do is make damn sure I stay me and communicate my needs. In the presence of ridiculous frisson that can be difficult but will come easier from spending a chunk of time this weekend.

It was never my intention to get into a situation with so very much chemistry (esp cos my ExH was a whirlwind romance which I have no intention of repeating). I imagined something lovely and slow-burn (aspects of me and him have been snails pace for sure). I walked into date zero with Twix after a big night out, a day at work, wearing my work stuff (I only changed my shoes), zero expectations. Then it was immediate fireworks. Oops... Universe - it was an accident!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Waaaa!

So I also forgive myself for being in this situation! And manage it as best I can. Am trying to focus on his bad points - he never plans food for example. Annoying. And is subtle as a brick with verbal communication. Annoying. He hates phonecalls. His house has storage heaters. Rubbbbissssshhhhh!!!!! What rubbish he is!!!!!!!!!!

Wowser, 2 days off the thread and so much has happened!

freaky I'm quite liking Tinder tbh - I've got one nice iron on there who I shall call FilmGeek - he seems rather lovely and chatty , but he's now off on holiday for a week. We'll see if he gets back in touch afterwards!
A few more irons on there and POF, but I'm not sure how keen I am tbh.
One on POF I've arranged to meet for a coffee, who I shall call Sirens, but I think he might just want a shag .
Lots of irons, but not a special one yet.

Storage heaters?! Oh dear Handy, you have got it bad!

And yay Sky, another Tinder convert! I forgot to mention my favourite things about it...no read receipts and no last seen. I love having no idea if someone's been on or read my messages. Bliss!

freaky nope didn't hear a thing, Thursday he un matched me on tinder and heard nothing.... I should be out on my date with him right now!

Would love to know what happened, we got on, we had chemistry, he was soon keen to book me up today as soon as he got back off his holiday, sent me the lovely text 39 mins after the date etc etc, all I can think is after sleeping on it he maybe decided me having 4 children was just to much..... But guess I will never know!

Oh and the 26 year old just wanted to talk about swinging and any sec toys I may have.... Think I got rid of him by telling me that I didn't need POF to find a friends with benefits or a sex toy as I have plenty of those already if I need them and that I certainly didn't want to get into discussion with a young boy about it so he could spend his evening wacking one off up in his single bed at his mums house...... Mean I know but I just can't bevarsed with it

handy that all sounds ridiculously exciting, and so much better that it's unexpected ?
freaky I looooove no ticks and read receipts - I'm very much calmer without them. I'm so shit at waiting, but if I don't know they're online, it matters less. It's brilliant. Only problem is I'm so addicted it now says no new matches and I have to wait a bit