Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

bubbling very wise move, you've given it a try and nobody needs to sit there on a date listening to someone talk about an ex. It's sad that he's hurting but not your problem and you deserve better. Next indeed!

jolly I agree with all said so far, seems fine to me! I totally understand your being guarded after all the rubbish we get to read on this thread! I must admit to being the same, and always on the look out for red flags and half waiting for something to be wrong! But we must try not to let the bad stories spoil the part which should be fun! And let's not forget the success stories too, waving and handy seem to be doing well, tanya myself and also foxtrot are all on date 3 ish this weekend and all seems ok so far! Let's not let the bacon and karmics of the OLD world have any more sway over our enjoyment of this thing!!

foxtrot 3rd date for yourself and leicester tonight? Where are you going? I'm also dating my one and only iron vampire date No3, he's taking me to dinner. Not sure how I feel about that, it's a lovely idea and feels like a "proper" date but Eeek bit nerve wracking sitting opposite someone you've met twice trying not to stop food down your front which is pretty typical for me! I feel awkward just thinking about it, but am looking forward to seeing him again, it's been a week. Will look for your loo update later this evening and try to leave my own too!

help you also are on the dating bench tonight! Where did you decide to go in the end? Is it your first date? So nerve wracking isn't it!! Remember, loo update in mandatory! Have you chosen an outfit yet?

misszp from every thing you've posted so far, it's quite obvious you really like his gym guy and are way more keener on him that the MF. if I were you I'd just be brave and make a move so you know one way or the other. Then you can either know he's keen and hopefully bag a date, or put it to bed and move forward in your dating. Can you contact him somehow and just say, hey what are you up to this weekend? Fancy a quick coffee/drink?

314 so what are your plans for this weekend with your fantastic new date! Rule number one should always be love yourself. You rock!

waving mild pink flags but nothing more. You seem to be tuned in and clued up to any changes, and like you will stand firm to protect your own needs which is to spend time with your children, friends and alone time too. This is good! A partner should compliment your life not take over it. I think you will be fine, it's obviously going to take some adjustment fitting into each other's life's and a little tweak here and there is normal. Really enjoy reading your updates

Bubbling - so sorry to hear about date #2 and him still being in pain. At least you have assessed the situation and can now respond accordingly: I.e onto the next one! Good luck with the dating again!

Help - that's all positive and good luck! What are your date plans?

Foogy- agree with the others, call him out on it and hit block. Some men are terrible... I had a message once asking could I be his submissive as he wanted to be my dominant... This was the first message too! Promptly blocked!

Foxtrot- keep us updated on your date with Leicester!

Did I read somewhere that there is a Facebook secret group too? Is that still going and can I join?! This thread is hard to keep track of!

Lastnicknamefree- oh we have each other's numbers and we text on and off. We flirted like hell yesterday. But I don't know if that's all it is. I may drop him a text later and say when are you free. It's no loss if it doesn't go anywhere, but he's the first guy since my long term relationship ended that's truly caught my attention. I don't however know whether that's my instinct kicking in to run away, or the initial butterflies! I'm gonna watch some MH in the meantime.

314- you should definitely see yourself as 'the one'... We all should! I love your posts :)

misszp I just think you have nothing to lose and it would be better to know either way of he's interested in taking things further or just flirting/banter. It would be a shame if this carried on weeks more and got in the way of you having real dates only to find out he's not actually interested in more. Be brave and find out one way or the other

Ok so wondering if I should text MrJamica or do I leave him to contact me?

Quick summery, great first date thurs, he asked for second date and booked me in for next Sunday as soon as he arrives back from his holiday.

So yesterday he travelled all day Lang flight etc so didn't speak to him as would be expected.

So thinking should I maybe text him today saying something like "hope you arrived safely" or do I leave it for him to contact me?

Up until our date he has done the making contact with me everyday so not sure if I should leave it like thank or what

Can I join in? Been registered for about 2 months with one of the old sites... had a few dates which seemed to go ok , one guy just stopped replying after date 5....think his daughter put a stop to that.
I'm just going to follow all your adventures for a bit and get some tips. I'm fed up sending messages and them being ignored.

barb if it were me I would leave it - 'hope you arrived safely' is something your mother would say (sorry that sounds harsh, it's not meant to). It's not high value. Given that your date went well and #2 has been keenly slotted in, I would sit on my hands while he's on hols, continue your amazing life and just get excited about next Sun. He's on hols so step back til then would be my vibe.

misszp sounds exciting whichever way it goes! Yippee!

bubbling dating the divorce guy would be a one way street to self esteem meltdown. Bye bye...

Foxtrot am SO looking forward to your loo update and love your attitude! You've done blooming marvellously well this week young Jedi, with the angst factor. Where are you going with Leicester?

tanya's got a CM date tomo as well. last are you out tonight??

Oh I feel like Cilla Black now that my Twix sitch is just plodding.... Get very excited about all these early dates

Welcome to WhatAm1 try to be 'meh' about people you send first messages to... like, send them then erase them from your mind. That way any replies will just be exciting surprises! You have the thread for distraction purposes too..

Morning! Leicester is on his way so I can legitimately get excited now and cancel my exercise class . We are having lunch at mine, going out for the day to a park, pubs, canal etc then dinner and he is staying over. Then tomorrow will be a lazy day.

I need to stay feet firmly on the ground! Good luck this weekend with your dates last and tanya! And Help!

Who else is dating this weekend that I've missed?

Bubbling great attitude! Next!

Waving, because i'm 9 years post abusive relationship now, I hope you don't mind me offering up this comparison but in my first short relationship after abusive x, I realised that because I had been very successfully trained to have heightened awareness of somebody else's needs in the 'relationship' , I then later mistook that feeling of me feeling guilty with a man making me feel guilty. ykwim, because my X would have made me feel guilty in that same situation.

But... it was a case of needing to recalibrate more than I already had.

Do your own thing and roll with your very reasonable routine. You know it's reasonable to have a few nights off. MTG hasn't suggested that you don't go out with your friends has he? or has he invited himself round when you are dying for a night in? I totally get that that could be a bit stifling!!

I'm going to meet a friend for coffee, he's gay and married so kind of unavailable :-p Unfortunately my son who had said he was happy to stay in the house on his own for a couple of hours is now saying he wants to come with me {sigh} but I'll make him sit a table away with a tablet and a book. When I get home I'll do yoga, and maybe a cardio blast too, then order a takeaway and watch the eurovision with kids. i'd rather do that than trek in to town to meet strangers right now.

Chatting to con but I can't be arsed to move it towards a suggestion to meet up.

barb I agree, the date is arranged, so I wouldn't send a ''hope you arrived safely'' text.

foxtrot and tanyadm have a blast this weekend!

Thanks 314! Enjoy your day too!

I'll update later

Foxtrot that is an epic date you have planned!! Wow!!

314 I too am watching Eurovision later with my kids. I'll raise a glass to you doing the same have a nice coffee date today. When do you expect to hear about the job?

waving I have to say I am thinking the same as 314 re the MTG situation. The uncomfortable feeling which prompted you to post, after MTG had the sad face - in the context of your experience of an abusive relationship and being faced with the need to now slightly back-pedal from an extremely intense start to a relationship.... you do need time to breeeeathe, now, listen to your Self and feel like you still have very necessary healthy space between you and MTG. This is an important moment in the MTG/Waving story. And this could need some thought and careful handling. Above all it necessitates that you listen to your needs. Not the end of the world by a long chalk, just needs some thought.... I hope that a better balance comes without it taking the shine off things. Because if not then that is a red flag.

Right... Off out for a run! Then hedge trimming. Then Eurovision.

Thanks for the good lucks ladies! We were chatting about our plans this morning, and have decided to meet earlier as I can't really do a late one. Think he has intentions....

Fab date day Foxtrot!

Ok great thank you ladies for the advice... handy I certainly don't want to sound like his mother, I'm a hot high value chick

Kind of always think oh if I don't text he might think I'm bit bothered etc etc, where really I know that if he is intrested then he will contact me!

My date last night went well... but he's only home until August then back off to work abroad for at least nine months. Plus he has lots of travel plans in the meantime so a non-starter really.

The guy I really liked hasn't replied to Thursday's message so I'm assuming he's not interested and the one who I met once in April has also stopped replying... I should probably restore Tinder and start looking again but I really cannot be bothered with it all at the moment!!

Hello everyone! And welcome newbies!

Lots of dates planned, yay! I hope they go well for all of you, I will be stalking for updates and living vicariously through y'all!

Waving wise words from 314, as always. Spotting the flag is one thing but then I agree the hard part is how you qualify it, red or Amber or barely yellow flag. It could that MTG is needy, but also that he is so keen he was to spend every waking minute with you. Maybe ask him how he feels when you are not together? Is he feeling down and not living life or is he just bored and/or thinking about you?

Misszp I know it can be annoying to live in a "small village" environment but you are single and dating which means that yes you will be going out with different guys for some time. You are not some nymphomaniac, you are just dating. To hell with anyone who can't tell the difference. I say date these two guys, make it clear you are dating and until you have the exclusivity talk that is well within your rights.

I can't remember who said that having sex too early is a sure way to get ghosted. I agree that for many guys, sex seems to bring them to make a decision on whether or not they want to keep dating. Whereas for women it seems to be where we start getting attached. So it sucks because we are coming from opposite directions. And ghosting is obviously never ok. That being said, I think it is wrong and quite damaging to be thinking that you got ghosted because you "gave in" too early. You had sex because you want to, you are not "giving in" to anyone's demands, nor should you have sex to try pinning a guy down. And you get ghosted because the guy realized he does not want a relationship/to keep dating and he is to much of a coward to tell it to your face. Point being, a coward who is done with you will ghost as soon as he knows he is done. Have sex whenever you want to. And don't date cowards!!!

Sassy how keen is too keen is a tough one. I can think of three situations:

1. when keenness is not consistently displayed or reflected in his actions. Then it is OTT because it is just an act
2. when it does not make you feel good. If you are really keen on being with someone you want to make them feel good. If you on the receiving don't, keenness is either misdirected or OTT
3. when it is a way to seek validation. When OTT, it can mean he is desperate to get that validation and may be needy and/or have low self esteem.

I am totally dating the thread at the moment . Since the Karmic fiasco I have been doing some half-hearted swiping but I am honestly too busy and tired with the new job to try turning those matches into actual irons. But I am going to have to hurry up before July comes and this city turns into Ghostsville, so the plan is to take an iron fishing cruise next week and resume the dating.

I also spent a lot of time these days with friends visiting from abroad and laughed a lot about my dating experience with them. They even dared me to hit on the hot waiter last night and that was hilarious. It didn't work but I realized that my confidence soooooooo much higher than when I started this OLD thing. oh and my awesome friend, who is pretty much the Bitch incarnate, said that the key to having the relationship you want is to take it like "house training a puppy". To which her DH nodded enthusiastically and said that they were incredibly happy because "she knows instinctively how to make him happy and he was trained to know how to make her happy". Interesting stuff haha.

So Jolly mentioned "ghosting" above, which is a term I am familiar with, but I recently heard the term "zombied" the other day. Do you all know that one? Apparently, after you've been ghosted, but then the person returns later on like a pop-up surprise, they've zombied you. I thought it was hilarious.

Is it ok for me to join in please?

Summary of my life. My husband of thirteen years left over a year ago. My three children and I found out to our dismay that life was going to become very difficult indeed after his departure. He definitely has strong Narcissistic traits and has made things Hell for me. Needless to say it's a huge relief to have him out of my home although he's not out of my hair yet. It's also fair to say that after months of therapy and more time to myself I've well and truly grieved the end of our mariage; divorce proceedings are underway. My current battle is to protect our DC who have suffered terribly.

These past months were more about self protection and nurturing our children. And then spring sprung and in March my car mechanic, whom I've known for a year professionally speaking, starting flirting with me. That intense and very delicious five-second gaze woke the woman up in me; hurrah! There were other signs too.

I didn't reciprocate at the time; I wasn't ready in my head. Weeks would pass without seeing him. Last week I ended up at the garage having a few drinks with him and his colleagues. He drove me home in my car and there was definitely something going on there but he had to leave immediately as his colleague had followed him to my place to drive him back to the garage before the boss locked up. Anyway, he asked me about my ex husband, who he knew before, and he confided that his girlfriend had split up with him after seven years together a few months ago.

He's coming round Tuesday morning with his boss to pick up a vintage Jag I want to sell. I know he's not ready in his head for anything much. I know he's hopping from one girl to the next - his brother told me as much - but to be honest all I'm needing these days is a little frivolity and fun. He's years younger than I am, very fit and honestly he's kind and respectful.

So, do I close the door on this guy and thank him in my head for flirting with me and helping me find my way back to the woman I was or do I just go with the flow and flirt back with caution? I need advice from you more experienced ladies!!!

If you can enjoy flirting, maybe having a casual fling, without getting too involved - then I'd say go for it. If there's a chance you may get attached to him and hurt when/if it comes to an end, then just take it as flattery and don't let it go further. That's my advice. It's a tough world on the dating scene, as this thread shows, so you need to know what you want and what your boundaries are before you go into it, in my view. Good luck!

Jollyphonics that is exactly my mindset. I am aware that my heart is still fragile and I am a sentimental woman but I have toughened up enormously.

Casual is what I am aiming for. I cannot allow myself to get emotionally attached which is why I've allowed myself to fall for the charms of a much younger man from a very different world to mine. It's refreshing and spells out 'no hope for a longterm future'. My libido is definitely demanding some attention though!

Is the dating world made tougher because many single people are nursing past grievances and aren't taking themselves to therapists? No, really, I'd like to know your slant on things.

How should one handle it when you get messages like this after declining to continue with someone?

No wonder you are single

Total indifference, SoThatHappened. On the outside at least. It's a reflex comment meant to hurt which betrays the other person's lack of maturity.

Well I think On-line dating (which is what most people on this thread are going) is harsh because it's an artificial environment, which gives people more "options" than the real world. If you met someone in a pub, got on well with them and agreed to go out a few days later, you wouldn't spend the intervening evenings in the pub looking for other people that you might like better. But with OLD that's exactly what people do. They chat to someone, arrange a date, but continue to look at the website to keep their options open. Everyone does it, it's acceptable, but I can't help but find it rather cold-blooded.