Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Jaffa you are over thinking this as we all do especially when embarking on OLD... Be upfront about kids & anything else pertinent - if anything is a deal breaker best to know before you waste time & emotion...

Morning! Got to do some work so sorry about the rush.

Jaffa do feel free to be upfront about your kids. If that causes him to run away, rather sooner than later. But they’re a big part of your life, and if you try to wait for the right moment to introduce the fact he might later wonder if you’d tried to conceal the fact, which would be strange. So an upfront question of “!what do you think about dating a woman with kids?” is quite OK, imo.

Slow because of the perceived sweeping generalities about the sexes (women are monogamous, men aren’t) it would be more expected for a woman to start the exclusivity conversation than a man. His reaction will tell you where you stand.

Sassy Sounds like its coming along nicely. You’ve seen that males are can be in the shit zone; now you also see about the agonies and uncertainties of messaging.

And as a general comment. If there’s one message I can bring, it’s that the playing field is level between men and women. This means it averages out as level – it can be bumpy and sometimes you’re struggling uphill and sometimes you’re coasting down. If you think that overall it isn’t level for the guy, its not going to be right for you as the relationship is too unequal.

Happy belated birthday Freaky

Foxtrot Smittenville is wonderful place!

Bant, great news. When both want something a solution can be found. Enjoy your weekend!

Sorry to all those I’ve missed.

Thanks to everyone for their comments. Rule 3, about overinvesting too soon, still applies. I didn’t see it coming. I’m still confused because the initial intensity on both sides was, I think genuine and then there was a sudden car crash out of what appeared to be nothing. But someone( Bant, I think) said that in the early stages we fill in the blanks in the way that we want, and it looks like I did with my head over heels glasses on. For whatever reason, she did too and I think that she has a number of issues, naivety in relationships being one of them which have probably messed us both up. Hence her knee jerk reaction.

At the moment I can’t see me dating someone else because I’d be comparing, and that wouldn’t be fair on my date because I’d be going into it without and open mind or heart. I know I will recover, and move on, soon. I’m better than I was this time last week, which in turn is better than the week before. I’ll get there.

I hear you, Reddish, re the comparing. When you are in the headspace about one person, even the most gorgeous online matches seem a bit....meh, because they're not that person.

Morning all, yeh fox ''con'' said ''let's keep in touch" instead of ''yeh that sounds good' so, I'm leaving it there. As for Rave, I was going to give him a nudge, but instead I think I'm more outgoing, and maybe my last message to him made that clear. But no harm.

There's something I want to go to in town, I saw it on meetup and I would be genuinely interested so I'm going to try and go. I hope that I come back feeling empowered though. Not a bit flat, having spent money on a babysitter to go out on my own.

I'm researching breaks away for myself while the dc are with their Dad (not til august) but I'd like to do some thing yoga-ish I would like nice food too. I don't mind doing a boot camp either but I don't wan to go on holiday and be starved. I saw some vegetarian/vegan hotels on a site yesterday, they do yoga retreats. I would like to come back feel not just rested, but spiritually 'fed'. It needs to be something I can enjoy on my own. Not something that would be better with a companion there to see it too.

I've no business being on the thread. I can't get a date!

The thread loves yr insight & humour 314 you ain't going anywhere!
There's a nice yoga retreat in the lake district I'll try to find details....

Reddish my situation was vaguely the gender reverse of yrs... I'm 6 months on from you & can just begin to think of dating someone else (though not actually making any plans....)... I'm still in love with him but somehow got to get on with my life....sometimes I'm managing it & sometimes not so much...

Hi, Can I join in please?

I'm not long out of a long term relationship, and have just started OLD. It's a bloody minefield innit??

I've chatted to a few blokes, and I've met up in RL with one guy - indieboy.
We've met up 4 times so far - 2x coffee dates, 1x lunch and 1x DTD (I like to get it out of the way ) I like him, he likes me. Only problem is I don't think he's ready for a relationship, and he is also so fecking sporty that I don't think he really has time for one anyway. Gah! Haven't seen anyone else I like remotely enough to meet in RL.

This is HARD!!

Hello!
Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! I had a really good day, nice and low key and angst free. Lovely.

Nothing much doing on the dating front. Couple of half hearted Tinder chats going on but probably won't go anywhere. I've just increased my age range to 45 so we'll see if that throws anyone else up.

Ooh, and I'm finally getting round to going back to BMF tonight, so maybe some real life iron possibilities?

Ciao I have no idea what any of those words meant... I'm trying to register using the same email account from the same PC as my old PoF account. Would that mean it would work or not?! I am going to try using a different email address and see if that works.

Sky Yup, minefield indeed! Get that "what are you looking for?" conversation out of the way ASAP is my advice. No point getting too emotionally involved in someone who's not looking forr the same things as you.

Tanya Enjoy your "not date" tonight!

Thanks Freaky, so looking forward to my not date, for which I'll have newly done hair, a new top, etc....

Freaky Proxies are a way of masking your real IP for example you want to use Netflix in the US( Better content) you use a VPN or proxie I thought maybe you use one.
hola.org/ is a free proxie it masks your IP to the point most sites once they detect it will ban you.

Can I ask a question? I recently joined Match, and there's a section where you can specify what type of person you're hoping to meet (such as their height, age, etc). I noticed that a couple of men I'm chatting to have said they want to meet someone white/caucasian. Would this put you off? I'm finding it a bit off-putting but not sure if I'm being unreasonable!

Well I told him this morning and he asked how old they are (after a nice message in reply to my one this morning) so I was beginning to think he might be ok about it.

I sent a reply and he's read it and not responded even after going back into whatsapp. Another one bites the dust I guess

I think I will mention that I'm a mum on my profile in future

So tonight is date night well actually 4 hours until I head off and I'm crapping it....so nervous, we get on great over message but only been texting a week as don't want to get caught up in that while texting for weeks and no meet.

He seems lovely, just so scared can't think of anything to talk about

Please give me your best 1st date/meet tips???

Ah, thanks Ciao No, no proxies that I am aware of but it sounds as though I would know if I used one? I'll just try again using a different email address I think.

Goldfish That would put me off a bit I think. Like that question on OKC about "strongly prefering to date someone of my own racial background" or something like that. It just has...undertones that I don't particularly like

Jaffa Don't give up hope yet! He could just be busy etc, especially if he sent a nice message only this morning. But yeah, I do think that putting it in your profile is a good thing. In mine I say something like "Mum to one awesome 8 year old boy"...no apologies, nothing about how he's the most important thing in my life (cos that should be fairly evident!), just the fact that I am a mum and he's awesome!

Dating There's a MH video that's v good for first dates. My top tips...kiss on the cheek when you first meet...otherwise it can be weird if you want to snog later and haven't even touched! Keep your body languauge nice and open, eye contact, smile. Don't forget to breathe. You'll be fine! Awkward silences may happen, just don't panic about them. And most importantly, don't forget the loo update!

Ask him 'why' questions and avoid getting into swapping facts in convo...

Loo update is mandatory.

ish.....

Have fun!

Deffo get some touching in (if you deffo fancy him like). Touch an arm or something...

skyrabbit welcome, yes it IS a minefield! Can totally empathise with your situation as am feeling similar with a guy I've had 2 dates with so far who's always busy with rugby and kung fu inbetween doing 3/4 different jobs! So I think we'll manage to see each other once a week which I can't see changing any time soon, so I'm just seeing it as dating not in any way relationship potential. You've had more dates than I, so could you approach the subject and ask what he's looking for etc? Good luck it's so hard isn't it!

tanya so excited to see how it all pans out with curly please keep updating!

jaffa I know it sucks but if you don't hear back from him, and he bolts after finding you have kids better to know now than later when you've invested even more. Someone genuine who doesn't mind how many you have will come along that's worth the feelings I'm sure!!

datingbarb you're probably on your date by now, hope it's going well and you like him! Looking forward to your update!!

Still seems to be swimming along nicely for me with vampire first/zeroith date this time last week, second date Sunday evening and third one booked in for this weekend. We've been messaging pretty consistently all week, and even though I still don't think it's going to be much more than dating, I'm happy to take it as it comes and enjoy getting to know him and just take it as it comes.

Evening everyone, I've watched loads of amy young videos tonight and feel more positive. No word from my iron tonight, and he didn't mention Saturday night (the date we arranged) last night, but I won't be chasing him!
jaffa I think knowing they've been online and not replied or contacted you is the worst, but what I've picked up from those videos is "no response, is a response" so don't waste energy on them X

help watching those Amy young you tube clips is a life saver when you're feeling a bit meh about stuff! Whatever the issue or thing you're stuck on, there's a clip!
Don't be worried if he hasn't mentioned it yet, he probably thinks it's booked in already as you've arranged it and he doesn't need to bring it up again until nearer the time. I have no idea where my date no3 will involve of times etc but I know it's booked in even though he hadn't mentioned it since Tuesday.

No response is a response is a brilliant clip btw, jaffa I agree go and watch that one.

He replied and then I've heard nothing since my last text at 5. He said he was going to the gym but has been on whatsapp since and not read my reply.

To be honest I feel pretty rubbish about dating right now. The last guy I was seeing for a couple of months who I met on tinder kept saying I was the 'perfect woman' but I had 3 children so didn't want a relationship. I wasn't that bothered though about him.

Tried on some clothes tonight for potential imaginary date with Mrball next weekend and just feel fat and frumpy and feel like giving up.

Last, I wish I could have your laid back approach, it's so hard when you really want someone though. *

Help*, it sounds like he knows the date is confirmed already so no need to check in again. I hope you have a fabulous time

I have a question for the thread. You might not like me after the question, but I need to ask it anyway.

So mrcalm and I have been messaging consistently. It's easy. I have a few jam packed weeks coming up not free until mid June and he's being totally cool about it (understandably) as I've explained I had stopped dating and simply made plans. Now he is being uber flexible about when he can see me. Which is great. But I'm also mindful of those threads that warn that a huge red flag women can often ignore is this early keenness.

So here's my question.
How keen is too keen?
How do any of us distinguish between someone who is just been honest/ zero game play vs. red flag behaviour?

I'll give an example. We live quite far away. I'm not ready to have anyone back to mine. So if we want to spend any quality time together, it needs to be a weekend and staying overnight just makes logistics easy. Now listen, I trust the guy implicitly and we also have a vast mutual network. Is his suggestion of inviting me over and crashing in a spare room a great way of getting to know one another? Or is it red flag (too keen) behaviour.

I've just started to overthink this haven't I?

So I'm back for my date!!! Not sure what I was nervous about the second I saw him it was fine. Had a great time, chatted and laughed and he asked for second date he goes away for a week early tomorrow morning till next Saturday so he booked me in for Sunday so I'm pleased with that

And started to talk myself out of dating if I'm not careful. I've turned into the typical bloke it appears.

Please wise threaders, give me help. Smitten benchers please wade in and give your wise wisdom! sassy help call!

toosassy I don't think it's necessarily too keen as such, but it sounds pretty unlikely you'd spend the weekend sleeping in the spare room. You'd either click and want to have sex, or you wouldn't click and you'd want to go home.