Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Interview ticked off. I felt positive coming out of it, but now realism is kicking in. They mentioned interviews today and tomorrow so I reckon at least 9 others.
Anyway..........

I'm off to check okcupid now and check on the calibre of these two messages.
I wonder if I'll every get as far as a date again!!

So....one week on from Bacongate and I'm feeling gooooood! Still getting odd flashes of anger (the fucker hung up on me!) and I do miss having someone. I feel like I miss "Bacon" rather than "D..." if that makes sense? The idea of this lovely proto-boyfriend rather than the dickhead he turned out to be.

Self esteem appears to be intact, sense of humour has returned and I've invented a new hairstyle involving many, many kirby grips to deal with humidity induced frizz. So yeah, life is good. And it's my birthday tomorrow.
Chatting to a few blokes on Tinder...none especially promising but I might give my mad fella a little nudge later. He was fun.

Slow Sorry but I agree with everyone else...until you have had "the talk" then you are both free to see/talk to other people. Sucks major balls though, especially if you are like me and can only cope with dating one person at a time! But there could be any number of legitimate reasons for him being on there (including telling all his old irons to go away because he's met someone that he really likes...) so try not to freak out, go with it but maintain your standards

muddling Yay! for good dates and good kissing. And great news that you have dates 3 and 4 set up already.

Sassy Enjoy your MrCalm date. You're so right, angst free communication should be the most basic of our standards.

Foxtrot Great about Leicester! Really for you.

Handy 10 weeks! Blimey! You're in such a good place with Twix now though, it's lovely.

Petitepo WELL DONE for hiding the last seen on WhatsApp! Root of all fucking evil, that app I swear! Don't let him off the hook too easily though, mmmkay?

314 I'm sure they are busy cancelling all the other interviews now they've found you! Fingers crossed for you anyway, and for the OKC messages.

Freaky good for you. Tbh, now, the only reason I want to contact Bear is to reprimand him but I know it's pointless as he hasn't the self-awareness (despite what he thinks) to acknowledge that just announcing you don't want a relationship doesn't mean that it's ok to then ignore all the boundaries between a relationship and a friendship.

A nice message from a man who sounds really nice, and interesting. Lots to comment on, and he clearly read my profile and made a few jokes to prove he had. BUT at the ripe old age of 48 he 'wants kids' . I responded very receptively to his message. It might be a bit flippant but I referred to our obvious compatibilities and then I said it was a shame he was still looking for kids! I added ''after you've chased down and had a last minute dot com baby with the wrong woman, gimme a call'' :-p

I know it's flippant and irreverent and to the point but I don't want to date men who are still looking for kids. It was one of my stipulations up thread right?

MaybeMarried45 back in there with the easy banter, and I responded cheerfully. But spidey senses tingling. He told me his lap top wasn't working at the weekend. (It only works monday to friday???)

Handy and Twix - ten weeks?! wow. Doesn't feel like long ago you were wondering if you dog would get on with his dog.

Sassy, I need clarification, is mr real life the one who's really young? or is that french? You have a good few on the go [green]

I need to go on date! in real life. Boo hoo. Get out the tiny violins.

Wondering if I was a bit harsh to the last guy who I will call Con.

should I just come right out and ask maybemarried if he's married? what's a funny way of doinng that. I want it to be like, look, I figured it out six messages ago. I'm just allowing you to waste your sweet time.

Ok, well, Con came back to me. He just put that down on the outside chance . Unlike The Rave, he is already talking about coffee. I think we'd get on though. I guess I've seen the last of Rave. Shame. He had a child and didn't want more.

Hi everyone,

I'm a long time lurker and finally plucked up the courage to post! I've been on Tinder since Feb but haven't met anyone I have been remotely excited about........ until last week!

At first I thought I was being catfished as he's abit too good to be true but turns out he's genuine (as in he is who he says he is as he is a sports player for local team so lots of professional pics on profile that could have been stolen from Google). I get butterflies when he texts and constantly check for replies, he just seems so lovely on top of being easy on the eye

All my self doubt is starting to creep in. He wants to meet up weekend after next and I just don't think I can go through with it. I like him too much and will make a complete arse of myself. Plus I really don't know why he wants to meet me, I'm overweight and not anywhere near as attractive as him. He also doesn't know I have 3 children.

How do you even initiate that conversation if they don't ever ask? Getting this attached so early on can only lead to disappointment right?

Hey waving glad it's all working out so well! Wow, ten weeks! Glad the pair of you are still here!

I suppose Soho could have had his heart broken in the last ten weeks... I'm thinking it'll do him the world of good.

Jaffa - remember the Rules. 2, 3 and 4. It's all bullshit until it actually happens.

There isn't much point getting emotionally invested in someone you haven't met yet. It's difficult, I know, but :

1. he may not turn out to be who he says he is.
2. if he is, you may not end up meeting him. People disappear
3. if you do meet, he may be dull, or the chemistry might just not be there
4. if there is, he may not want to go out again
5. if he does, he may still disappear
6. if he doesn't, he may still turn out to be a twat.

Until you've met him, rein in the enthusiasm. Because online dating rarely works. It can do, and it does (and did for me) but you've got to wade through a lot of dross, seeking the gold nugget in the pan full of mud, and then usually they turn out to be not worthy of your attachment.

People can meet the partner of their dreams first time out, but it's so rare that it's worth trying to maintain some realism until there's an actual real person, who you've met, to get enthused about.

Good luck though, it is lovely when it happens

On other news, I'm back with my ex

oh wow! the one who wouldn't relocate? well how far apart are you?

I think it's a bit harsh to say that the internet is full of dross!!! I'd say that the men I've met up with have all been OK apart from pompous pilot. The others had no kids, or they had more freedom, or I didn't fancy them, or they had a low self-esteem, or they ghosted me, or they were still talking about their xwife's 8 th round of fertility treatment or , or , or, or.....

Even me, havinng had no luck yet thinks ''dross'' is a bit harsh.

The internet is full of people who are all really incompatible!

Yeah, maybe dross is harsh. I was talking about something you wade through, rather than describing the people themselves.

Chaff?

Jaffa What Bant says is true. Until you meet someone you can't really "like" them, I don't think. You can like the idea of them, which can be pretty powerful and heady stuff in itself because your mind will fill in all kinds of blanks and can build a person up to be something pretty special.

Having said that, don't let it put you off meeting him. Just try not to put him on a pedestal. And also remember Rule 7 - he should be trying to impress you! He must like you or he wouldn't have asked you out.

Do mention that you have kids though. I mention DS on my Tinder profile and also try to drop it into conversation as early as possible, in as natural a way as possible.

Good luck!

Bant What happened with your ex?!

314 Con sounds good! He must be aware that he's pushing his luck a bit trying to find someone to have kids with at 48!?

Waving Things are sounding great with you and MTG. So happy for you! And poor Soho got his heart broken, huh? And posting about on FB and Tinder...have some pride man!

Argh, it's so frustrating though! So how does one have the exclusive chat? I unfortunately have already let slip that I'm not dating anyone else because I don't have time!

Dunno, 314, if you'd ever been on Zoosk, you'd think that "dross" is a pretty kind way of describing some of them!

ok, coffee date in the pipeline with Con48 and I'm actually having a good chat with YOLO47 omg. I cannot have an iron called YOLO.

Haven't heard of Zoosk.

Freaky although Con48 sounds promising, intelligent and in to psychology, and easy to chat to on line at least, he doesn't drink. What the effing hell is it with all of these middle aged men. My country now has a serious non-drinking problem. This is the fourth out of about 12 (if we meet up)

Thanks everyone, I needed a good talking to and to pull myself together I've met up with a few from Tinder and was seeing one guy for a few months and never felt like this about any of them. They were mostly nice guys but no chemistry. The guy I was seeing said he didn't want a relationship because I have 3 children but other than that I would have been the 'perfect woman for him'. I guess that's partly why I'm worried about telling Mr ball.

I know it's all in my head though, I've definitely filled in a lot of gaps and put him on abit of a pedestal. He is so dreamy though!!

This dating lark is hard work!!

Yolo wants to know if I'm on whatsapp or viber. I said, yeh, both, but I'm not giving my number to people unless we're arranging to meet as otherwise I could spend the whole day answering messages, from people who can't be arsed to leave the house.

And I gave Con48 my number and now, nada, nothing. Rookie mistake. I should have taken his number. Now I don't knwo what the next move is.

Ok, YOLO says ''i want to meet you alright'' so I've gone back to him to say give me your number then. Did I blow it with Con? He's the one I want to meet! Although, he doesn't drink. Can I really seriously cope with that.

Tis hard work Jaffa and I am definitely guilty of over-investing before meeting (Bacon) and putting men I have never met on pedestals (MrEloquent) Having a right old pine over MrE this evening actually as he's updated his TInder profile so he's clearly still looking but not for meeeee! But then, he knows my T&Cs and I know his and he also knows I've just been dumped so really, I don't blame him for giving me the swerve but he is just bloody perfect (age, height, distance, looks, politics, age of kids, interests etc etc), apart from the IDWAR thing which is fairly fundamental....If it's meant to be, it'll happen....

I'm not sure I could date a non-drinker, to be honest. Does he really not drink? Like never, ever? Do you know why?

He's probably playing it cool before he contacts you. Irritating but there you go.

Slow I'd have to have the exclusivity chat before DTD. If nothing else, it's just good sense to know if the person you are sleeping with is sleeping with anyone else.

Hello everybody! Trying to do a mammoth thread update here!

314 do not date down ever . I feel like that in my life too sometimes - 'kids eat whatever is in the cupboards'. Some days needs must and they are quite capable. I am also in the 'man must have kids' dating camp. I really do not want to start raising kids from scratch ever again!

Anna I think coffee is a great idea with bad timing guy, at least you can show your interest and see if anything could develop despite the timing.

last I think being guarded is good but so is going with the flow. He might have a different situation to you but the obstacles might not be completely in the way. ocelot is right, and there are child friendly festivals if the bigger ones are too daunting.

JollyX I think your handling of Karmic has been outstanding, you need to take a bow lady! And there is nothing wrong with your grammar!

Meg good news on the new iron Robin, a coffee is a great idea in public!

muddling I'm swooning for you!

Handy 10 weeks with Twix! Wow that has gone so quickly (for me anyway!). Enjoy your date later.

Freaky you are so right about wanting the Bacon he could have been and not what he turned out to be. It reminds me that we can't really second guess someone's personality early on (unless they are wearing an outfit of red flags). Even though tinder isn't throwing up anyone good yet, it's still a distraction.

Sassy enjoy your mrcalm date .

Bant back with your ex?! What happened?

My update on Leicester oh my, he is lovely and we had a lot of snogging. I had a slight wobble when a message I sent this morning on whatsapp had one tick only (slapped myself and got a grip). We have exchanged texts throughout the day and he has confirmed he is coming to see me again on Saturday . Again, I will refuse to actually believe it until he arrives. He lives about two hours from me but, sod it, he's lovely and I want to give it a chance. And I keep reminding myself that there are plenty of other men out there, if I get ghosted. I'm a pro at being ghosted, it's happened twice since Feb and my ex Fence has scurried off again after saying he 'didn't want to risk hurting me again'. So at least my expectations aren't high. These men don't know high value when it smacks them on the arse .

Right, now trying to catch up with the thread. Its incredible, you turn your back for 3 minutes and there’s another 6 pages.

petitepo glad that he turned up eventually. However, do let him know that a ‘sorry, hangover severe will text later’ is better than no contact at all.

Freaky you sound like you’re recovering. Shame that you had to go through it. And might I suggest a response for the unsolicited semi or naked photo? “there’s a chap who I know would really appreciate it. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve already sent it on to him”

Sassy its mildly consoling that you hadn’t realised that the shit zone also extends to males Sounds like there is competition for your attention! With mrcalm, natural responses suggest something good is happening.

Anna RL dates are the utopia! Go for it. There’s also less chance of it going wrong as its not being filtered through that false reality that is OLD.

Last great that the first date lived up to the previous one!

Handywonderful news that there’s no rush. That tells you a lot. Hope you’re refreshed from your twix today.

Foxtrot Thanks for the loo update. Now I know why there’s a delay in returning to the table, and why I'm immediately asked how to spell 'obnoxious'. ! Good start with Leicester!

314 the right man will put up with your circumstances, in the same way that you’re prepared to put up with his. You just have to find the right man. He is out there. Hope you get the job!

Jolly fair play to you on Karmic. The average male complaint is that he doesn’t know where he stands. I don’t think that Karmic can justifiably say this.

Slow I agree with the majority. There can be many reasons why he was on, and not all of them bad.

Apologies to anyone I’ve missed.

For my own situation I’ve been getting annoyed. I’m happy to give her space, but wish that she has the balls to at least be clear and to face me and tell me. I’m no ogre, and if she feels its confrontational I’m sure that professionally she’s been able to deal with worse confrontations in the past. As a very sensible chum mentioned, she’s probably well respected in her field but she’s naïve when it comes to relationships. And the chum also mentioned that she sounds like she has serious issues.

So in the next week I’m asking to meet, for me to get closure. I think that’s reasonable and if she doesn’t respond, she’s not half the person I thought she was. I am slowly coming round to the consensus view here, for which many thanks.

I think there’s been another two pages since I started this post!

314 I'm glad your interview went well, and you felt positive coming out of it. Go you on whipping up all these irons and the whatsapp chatting! You've moved forward loads from he who shan't be mentioned in the last week or so, I hope you get some dates arranged ASAP!

freaky has it been a week already since bacongate? You've been fabulous at getting right back on the swiping and messaging I can't wait for you to get out on some decent dates again with someone who actually deserves you!

jaffa I have 4 kids and I do understand its daunting to tell a prospective date about your home life and restrictions it brings but it's essential really. I've lost count of the guys who have disappeared in an instant when I've mentioned it, so it's now firmly in my profile and I drop it into the conversation pretty much right away as some don't get past your photos! Please get this guy off the pedestal, be upfront about your children should show a bit of his character and intentions. Good luck, and update when you have one!

waving your story is so exciting and gives us wading through the kissing of frogs so much hope! Love reading how it's progressing, don't leave!

bant common spill!! We need deets please! (But pleased for you!)

slowshrew I hear you! If you've had a fair few dates now, and it's really bothering you maybe think about just asking him casually? Hey, so I'm still getting messages on xyz dating app, I've not replied recently because dating one person at a time is all I can manage right now! Just wondering if we are on the same page? Or something equally casual but really not!!

foxtrot ooh excitement on Leicester! and great that you have a second date booked in already so he must be feeling positive about you too! I'm SO where you are in constantly expecting the worse after some rubbish OLD previous experiences! I was convinced all day Sunday vampire (my new iron of 2 dates in the last week) would, cancel. I thought he'd set himself up to be too tired or late home but no, he didn't cancel it went ahead. Then I was absolutely dead set that he'd ghost me after the date as we "accidentally" DTD so in thought, well that's that, he's had what he probably wanted and I'll most likely not hear from him again. Cue nice text messages and compliments the next morning. A total surprise! Still expecting him to slow fade I was pleasantly surprised when he asked me if I was free Saturday night coming for a third date! So I hear you totally, it's a shame when you can't relax and enjoy the lovely beginning bit because you've been ghosted and/or dicked about so much before!