Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Hello. Welcome to the club! The guy I was dating (see WAS), Karmic, has just pulled the exact same backing off move after we had the exclusivity talk and had sex last week.

I agree with 314 the first thing to do is nothing. Just leave him to it, live your Amazing Life and wait for him to make contact. Because that sends the message that you actually may not really care about his toddler ways to communicate that he is scared. You know, right now this toddler is hiding under the bed and refusing to come out. If you walk away there is more chance that he will go back to mommy by himself, rather than dragging him out kicking and screaming only to have him lock himself up in the closet. But then, his motivation to come out of hiding will be because he is bored or hungry, not because he would have realized it is fundamentally wrong to hide under the bed. So you have to make it about that once he is out and trying to get back in your good graces.

Plan here is to 1) back off too, wait for him to make contact (I am 3 days in); 2) communicate that his silence is not welcome and a turn off; 3) talk to him face to face about how what he did affected me and the fact I am not sure I want to keep dating him.

There is a Matthew Boggs video on ghosters and how to deal with them when they come back. I think I have been too much of a cool girl so far, I need to tell him how disappointed I am.

Oh and yes Petitepo, that pulling back out of nowhere move is unattractive, use it to get turned off about this guy - I find it is the best medicine against angsting.

My exclusivity agreement with Karmic being void and null, I have had a very nice bantering session with Maple last night. I made it pretty clear I was happy to reconnect so now the ball is in his court. Chatting with him also made me realize that Karmic's humor is a bit meh.

Sorry this is a me me me post - will do a proper catch up tonight!

Welcome Considerably!

Happy sunny Sunday y'all!

Hey, don't worry, not invested in to what happens with Rave46 at all! Kind of detached and experimental at this point.

Freaky I was thinking about you as I walked back from Aldi earlier, laden down with food for lunch for my family. I am definitely going through stages. Denial (where I couldn't bear to think badly of him) and then anger at him because his words didn't match his actions.... think I'm just 2 cm away from acceptance now. Somebody grey-area'd me, I allowed it to happen, he was no mr darcy. The End. I'm almost there.

Right, I'm tidying up and thinking deep thoughts :-p

Jollyx wow, three days of no contact. Wow.

I know you're fine but still I'm shocked on your behalf!!

when the texting/communication changes we know!! [crystal ball]

Jolly WTAF is Karmic playing at? I am so on your behalf! Your attitude is spot on though.

314 No Mr Darcy indeed! I am remarkably fine though, honestly. Anger is a very helpful emotion! I think if he had done the decent thing and phoned me last week and done the whole "I'm really sorry Freaky but this isn't working out for me..." speech then I would have been destroyed. I would have missed him, wanted to be with him etc etc. But by behaving like a total tool, he's proven himself to be a person that I really don't want to know, let alone have a relationship with. And after that horrible week, I've got the relief of knowing where I stand and I'm used to not messaging him.

It reminds me a bit of when I split up with exP and I had pure, clear, cold HATE for him. Simple, easy to process. I was right, he was wrong. Still hurt like a motherfucker, obviously. But when I split up with Mr2015, he was lovely about it. We talked for ages, he was sweet, apologetic, answered lots of questions. So I came away from that being all "you're so lovely, why can't we be together?"

Reminds me of this song If you're going to let me down, my friend, then kick me to the floor!

Ah! Just had a text from a friend to say she had a baby boy last night and she's called him the same name as my DS and hopes I don't mind. Of course, I bloody don't! It's a fabulous name and he's a gorgeous wee dote! Life is good!

And I need to get my arse to the gym...been doing a little bit too much "I have just been dumped and therefore I can eat what I like..."

I wonder if it's his own low self-esteem playing out here. He idealised you and now that you accepted him, in a fucked up sammy davis jnr way ("I don't want to be a member of any club that would have me") he isn't sure now.

It really is all about him. I dated a man with a low self-esteem once and he was lovely to everybody around him but he couldn't handle a relationship. He took everything so personally and he even tried to re-write my history, as in, give things I had done before I met him a different interpretation. It was great for two months and then he went a bit mad. I checked out really quickly once I clocked it...

Freaky yes, I think anger is good. If you're clear why you're angry, and your anger is reasonable and in proportion to what provoked it and directed at the right person ........... then all healthy and it will fade away.

Thank you for the warm welcome and advice you're all so wise! Still no contact from my guy seems to be a unanimous decision here and from friends not to contact him so I won't, though its taking all my willpower not to call the fucker and give him both barrels!

I'm just confused as this is the first time he's flaked on me, he's been nothing but reliable up until now. He's not been online since 5am this morning and he went out last night so the pathetic part of my brain is wondering if he's now sleeping off a bad hangover, but deep down I know I'm clutching at straws.

314 and lastnickname thank you for pointing me towards Amy Young, spent a good hour watching her videos this morning. "No response is a response" is particularly helping me stay strong!

reddevilish That's definitely something I've learnt with this guy, so I have been careful to hold back with the random chatter over whatsapp and save it for face to face. The problem is we are suppose to be meeting up today but he has left me hanging!

Why the hell are these guys utterly incapable of communicating what they do and don't want? Do they think we're going to transform into some sort of ginormous raging monster and eat them if they tell us something we don't want to hear? (Saying that one of my recent messages did tell him I wanted to 50% kiss him and 50% bite his face off, so thats quite possible . Sounds like you're handling the Karmic situation very well, good job on getting to 3 days no contact. He certainly doesn't deserve your attention or energy after pulling such a shitty move, especially straight after DTD. Your plan sounds perfect.

So good to hear 314 Freaky & Jollyx & yr kickass attitudes.... Inspires slowcoach-pollyanna me....

Good point "Freaky* about when they sound all reasonable it destroys you... But sounding reasonable might also appear to mask that they are doing something shitty like dropping you from a great height...

And lol at 314 trudging back from aldi - I've run out of coconut yoghurt & can't last a day without!

Freaky I like the song. I get it too. I'm glad I was so up front with the youngster last week.

I always want my words to match my actions.

Cos, that's integrity right? Not looking for a medal for it. But I don't want to be shabby. It surprises me sometimes, the way people who IDENTIFY with being good guys carry on.

Mmm that sounds lovely coconut yoghurt. I love the alpro coconut milk and it is divine with flahavans berry porridge. I'm trying to lose a few pounds. I want to be fighting fat without a pick on me for summer.
I did this work out yesterday and it was amazing. I plan on doing it later. I felt like I was destroyed and rebuilt after it!

Freaky what do you do with your son when you go to the gym?? I just work out at home. I don't think I'll join a gym to meet people but I need to join a club or something.

Hello everybody! Welcome petitepo good advice there from pp especially JollyX who has had a similar thing happen to her. I agree it's very poor behaviour considering you were supposed to be meeting today. The Amy Young and Matthew Hussey videos are excellent in this scenario.

JollyX good for you with contacting the other irons, hopefully one of them might step forward or they can be a good distraction for the moment. You are absolutely right that the exclusivity is null and void now due to Karmic's poor behaviour.

Freaky I enjoy a bit of sexting too, but I'm going to follow 314s stance of not doing it until I've met someone. I have found in the past, that no matter how much I've enjoyed it, I usually feel a little empty afterwards and end up over sharing .

reddish I'm another one who thinks you should move on now. Whatever she is truly thinking it's not about making things work with you now or in the future. Once you make the decision to leave her behind I think you will feel strong. She will probably respect you more for making that decision but I would be trying not to care what she thinks. You need to put yourself first and do what's best for you. I like 314s 'grey area' theory, once you've been put in a grey area it's up to you not to accept that.

last woohoo for you! I'm so looking forward to your loo update tonight! And I'm not a summer person at all, I hate dressing in summer, I hate my legs and never wear skirts or dresses with bare legs. I'm completely envious of people who can chuck on a summer dress and denim jacket and look effortlessly fabulous .

Thank you everyone for your comments about Fence. I'm not doing anything about the situation now and I feel calm. I don't think he will contact me again and that's ok. The attraction was obviously still there for both of us but I don't think he will ever be ready or right for me.

My date with Leicester is planned for tomorrow and I'm still not sure if it will be ever more than a one date (night ) thing as he lives so far away. But I really like the look of him so want to at least meet him.

And in other news...Apple is back on the scene! He knows I have another date planned tomorrow and has texted me today wanting to arrange a date with me. He seems to have put his moose hunting gear on possibly two weeks too late. I'm considering meeting him next weekend for a third date if he continues the pursuit!

314 I also wanted to say I agree with you about acting with integrity. I also make sure my words mirror my actions, occasionally I might embellish the truth (i.e. the exact reason I might not want to see someone again to protect their feelings) but they are in no doubt that I'm done. I can't do ghosting or loose ends.

Foxtrot sorry it seems that way with Fence but glad he didn't go & hurt you all over again...

Thanks ocelot I'm glad he reappeared briefly so I could say what I wanted to say to his face, a chance I was denied two years ago. But I think this is the best outcome.

314 Nah, I don't think lack of self esteem was Bacon's issue! He thought a lot of himself, really arrogant. I do think that he enjoyed the chase/flirt stage and when things looked like they were getting real, maybe I didn't quite measure up to whatever idea he had of me and that was that. The sex thing is important too, that was so built up and he promised to be amazing...and then just wasn't...and I had the audacity to point that out...I don't think his pride could take it.
And yeah, integrity...so important! His actions just did not match his words "I'm a good guy with a big heart", "I talk my problems out, not run away from them." Untrue. Once he didn't want anything from me, he couldn't even be bothered to be nice to me. That's not the sign of a good guy.

Anyway, my lovely MrEloquent said something lovely on Tuesday when I said I felt like a mug "Life's too short to feel like a mug for trusting people. You're a good person, a lovely person and you win. He loses by having to be him"
Which is so, so true.

Right, enough about that loser!

DS is with his dad EOW and one regular night in the week, sometimes more, so I tend to go to the gym then. My mum babysits once or twice a week too so that I can go out. I'm very lucky. I don't have the motivation to do anything at home! I keep meaning to look up that yoga person that Jolly recommended but have never got round to it.

Did you have any luck with meetup.com? Lots happening on there!

Foxtrot Sorry about Fence but it does sound for the best. And interesting developments re Apple. They always do come back, don't they?

petitepo There may well be something going on if he's been reliable up to now but the way he's treating you is not on, especially if you had plans to meet. Like I said, it's just rude to keep someone hanging. I hope you hear from him but he's clearly got some making up to do...

I agree with you freaky I meant Karmic! He had a low self-esteem and apparently Jollyx had noted that was in his answers and he admitted it. you are lucky that your DS is with his father every second weekend. I know it's not much but it's enough that in the early stages of dating you have some free time. And your mum! She sounds like a good one

MrEloquent sounds like Bear though. Very good at saying the right thing but determined not to have a relationship! You know it, rationally, but then they read you so well and say what you need to hear and you end up being so fond of them but their stance hasn't changed one single iota.

I am having a look at meetup as well. There was a singles night but I don't know if I had the nerve to go on my own, maybe..... also walkign and various things that go on ALL weekend, so you can't just get a babysitter and go off for the evening. That's another thing that annoys me about B when I think back. I used to say sometimes that I felt stifled and held back from doing things I wanted to do and he said ''your life is what you make it'' or some trite platitude. Geez.

foxtrot sounds like fence got that name for a reason. He doesn't know which side to come down on. Reverse, reverse, reverse.

Haha! Of course you were talking with Karmic.... Spot on with that one.

And to be fair to MrEloquent, he's always been honest about what he's looking for. He's entitled not to want a relationship! It was just exactly what I needed to hear the other night, and I think who I needed to hear it from, but I will not contact him again. Part of me thinks he might get back in contact in a while but I am not holding my breath and will proceed with caution if he does...

freaky I didn't like to say at the time but I feared that bacon and H were cut from the same cloth. Both come across as nice out going friendly normal well-adjusted guys but they both really enjoyed THE CHASE. I think H was a little bit braver tackling his lack of interest head on, meeting up with me. But he was a father. He'd raised kids, he'd met my kids. But you know what, as brutal as it felt at the time, well, briefly, I never cared that much, H never really got in under my skin, but H had an integrity that I can now appreciate.

fox probably for the best but I'm glad you're feeling okay about everything.

I am trying to keep up with the thread but I'm lost. Good luck for people with dates lined up.

So what's the story with Matthew Hussey? Is the book worth buying?

i WOULDN'T bother with the book tbh. I bought it and then discovered amy young and although i agree with MH, I've got the gist from his videos.

Okay thanks. Off to watch some videos.

I'm de-lurking to post.

As per my previous post I've taken myself off of all OLD sites for now as life work trouble has got in the way and needs my time and attention.
On Friday night I went out with some friends for a much needed drink.
The last thing I need at the moment is a new man.
So, of course, I met one IRL.
We just talked, have similar interests, are at a similar point in our lives, I fancy him, all of it.
His timing is lousy! So I really didn't plan to see him again but he's been in touch to ask about something we'd talked about and now it seems we've struck up a conversation. Oh.

This was not what I intended and now I'm not sure whether to let it slide or keep the conversation going.

Wow Anna! can't believe it. the old REAL LIFE route?!
wow.

Fob him off a tiny bit. Tell him it's a bad time. Never seems to do any harm

Hope the things that need your real life attention are the non-serious non-permanent types of things.

Anna don't completely fob him off though as he may not be around later....its never a good time - try to make a little time for him if it seems promising...
I say this because a friend said she was busy at work (true) so could only meet up 2 months hence...he didn't wait around :( ...& latervgot together with someone else..

Blimey, I can't imagine having such a fabulous life that I literally couldn't meet up for two months. I think I'd hear ''fuck off love'' if somebody told me they were busy for two months. That's actually funny. I may store that one. ''i'm busy for the next two months''.