Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Reddish, I recognise that careful phrasing. Have done it myself. Usually when I don't want to lose somebody completely, I don't want to hurt them or offend them but I wish that they'd be content to just be my friend. I don't think she sees you ''like that''.

I ceased communications 3 weeks ago with a man who liked me ''up to a point''. He hasn't changed his mind. Total silence the last 3 weeks. But my eyes are more open to other possibilities now. I've also thought about personal accountability and I'd never exploit anybody else's affection for me if it weren't reciprocated so he's gone down in my estimation a bit which really helps and that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't just officially given up!!!

When we were chatting for about five hours a week I was still trying to arrange dates with men who were in theory open to a relationship but I felt like nobody compared to him. But of course we need to believe that the people we've invested time in to our worthier than the people we haven't invested time in to.

Within ten days of not communicating, I'd begun to see him with a little more detachment. I still like him more than anybody else I've met on line but he just doesn't want to commit to me so it's pointless. Gotta move on. And it's possible. Now I can see that I was focussing too much on him.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. As yall on this thread know I've decided to invest back in to my own life and stop going on dates with 30 somethings or men with no kids (unless they make it clear that they have accepted that one).

I might try and persuade DaveTheRave to actually MEET up in real life but if he doesn't bite my arm off then I'll get on with all the other things I need to do this summer.

To make matters worse, I had my mother helpfully suggest to me this morning that I should meet somebody. Right. Thanks Mum!!

Hi everyone!

Reddish In retrospect I wish he had been talking about that kind of sandwich. But no, he sadly was just a sexist hungry twat.

c'mon Dave just ask 314 out already!! Also, I agree, I would so read your blog/book!

Tulip you drunk love bombing the thread made me laugh so much

Muddling ugh. No one needs and arrogant prick in their lives. Next!

Traffic print what last just wrote and pin it on your fridge. She is 100% right and you are bloody amazing.

Handy did I read that correctly and did Twix drop the L bomb on you?? YAY also at handyman hehe - sorry dude you are a bit late to the party!

Red flag ocelot indeed. Next!

Fox well done on spotting the red flag too. I agree nothing good would have come from that. Fingers crossed for Leicester.

So after Karmic TOLD me he got my message and was apologetic about the lack of communication/attention, it seems he has reverted to his silent ways. Just 72h after I told him what the standard was. I am not impressed but the good news is that I feel no angst at all. I just do not care anymore what happens next. I may even be completely done with him, I do not know and I have better stuff to do than to give it a thought. So that is Karmic in dating limbo.

Karmic and I are supposed to be exclusive but I think he takes as if this was code for "no need to put any effort in anymore, she'll be on call whatever I do." Which is not what I signed up for: exclusivity agreement is void and null. So I messaged Maple last night. He has not been online yet though. Ugh. And I am having a little friendly conversation with Yogi. I am very close to the ironless bench though - Sassy, I like that beer garden idea, need a wing woman?

ps foxtrot I agree with your interpretation there, ''I don't want to hurt you" = I'm not really sure I want to do this. Maybe I do. I might do. I do a bit.

ARGH.

What are you going to do?

I would never date a man I felt that half-hearted about!

JollyX it's weird how quickly it can go from feeling so right to feeling all wrong.
But I think you're right. You can't push water uphill and if he's checked out and can't think of anything to say to you then there is no point trying.

I know, right? Like a switch flipped and suddenly once we slept together and I agreed to exclusivity, he just backed off. Classy move.

Fox and 314 I think I read on baggage reclaim that "I don't want to hurt you" actually even means "I don't want to but I will regardless".

Will try to retrieve that article with the list of red flags and their true meaning, it was really good!

Found it, you can download for free the "handy list of one liners" here: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/downloads/

Soooo I'm not used to this bit, where you've had one date and you actually LIKE the guy! I'm used to meeting, no chemistry, awkward thanks but no thanks text, get back on the swiping and messaging, repeat!

My question is, how do you cope with this bit when it's not really anything yet, your not exactly seeing each other, even though you had a good first meet up, and arranged a second date already (and there was snogging) but even though your keen, and it's safe to assume he is, he's still online when you check!! he has absolutely every right to be, obviously at this point but it still feels weird and I'm not sure what I should feel about it. So in the bit inbetween the first and 3rd/5th date before it looks like it might be heading towards being an actual thing how do you deal with thinking/knowing they are chatting to, possibly even dating others? It's so hard isn't it!!

I've an interview next week. Men need to go right down to the bottom of the list.

lastname, that is the bit that is torture

i signed up jollyx but i didn't get the list of one liners that indicate an unwillingness to commit. can you tell me what the others are.

Yeah last - yuk - I almost think it's worth adding to the rules. That once you meet someone you like, you'll start feeling all angsty, a lot bit insecure and, if you're not careful, worse than when you felt before you actually met anyone!! Til you can jump that predictable hurdle and figure out if it will be a Thing (and even then you're not home and dry, as JollyX and Freaky's experiences have demonstrated). Rule 15.

JollyX I'll say it. Karmic = douchebag. Exclusive who? Good on you mate. Onwards with new job and other irons and, well, life innit....

And noooo Twix did not drop the L word. Ha! He just dropped some... words. Haha. About being keen. And comparing himself to my handyman (er there IS no comparison). Believe me, it feels almost as good as the L word at this point. It's not an 'accepting crumbs' thing either, it's an 'accepting Twix' thing. I think that took quite a bit of feeling for him to write. Eek!

314 do you have much prep to do for your interview? Good luck! And I agree with you on your assessment of the 'carefully worded' message to reddish

LOL at tulip lovebombing the thread

Hi all - just dropping in to tell you recent OLD experiences. I seem to have run into a "type" - men married 20 years, have kids, wife dumped them and they can't articulate why they were dumped and claim to have been blindsided, divorce was a couple of years ago. All these guys have the same background and in every case they are still in great pain from their wives leaving them. They just want to be married again ASAP and don't care to whom if they can't go back to their wives.

I have no patience for this. I will not be their ^^ person. I just thought it was interesting as I had a date last night with yet another of these types.

Yeh, I once got chatting to a man like that on line bubblingup. He seemed normal and easy to chat with to begin with but the more we chatted the more damaged a self-esteem he clearly had and the more needy and demanding of others he seemed. He couldn't say why his wife had left him either. Literally, he had no explanation at all! People were apparently ''very worried about her'' when she wanted to split up. He insinuated that she had mental health problems. He was blameless.

Then he reprimanded me for going on a date with (as it turned out, bear!) and then the next morning when I was back on POF he messaged me just to sneer, said, well clearly it didn't go well if you're on here. Scary. He was awful. He was very unpleasant to me when I backed away.... He will have bullied some poor woman in to going out with him.

hello peeps!

So my team lifted the cup tonight. #emotional
Happy days! Onto the thread.

fox I totally agree, it's been a weird week for the thread. Interesting behaviour from the ex and superb response from you.

muddling at mr fancy pants dr.

handy at being nailed to the smitten bench

last best of luck on tmrws date! Don't overthink it is my advice at this stage. Reality is that so early on, no one should really be making any big changes. Just go with it and enjoy!

reddish I think all of us on this thread swoop into one unanimous verdict. Which is, don't accept poor behaviour. You've got it bad. On one hand its interesting to see a member of the opposite sex go through this (I genuinely thought this shit zone was female territory). On the other hand, I'll just say it. You're unlikely to recover from where she has placed you. Move on.
I have a lot on my plate, am a very busy person. Am an IDWAR at the moment (on the surface). Reality is that the right person would make it through in a heartbeat. Seriously putting up with this won't earn you any points in her book.

jollyx wingwoman (multiple) offer is open anytime. I work in the square mile in London #targetrichenvironment. The pubs are rich with pickings in summer. .

bubbling did you go on a date with my STBXH??? Clueless indeed. I'd hazard a guess that 9 times out of 10 they were caught sticking their dick into someone other than the person they were married to. However admitting that tends to be a first date buzz kill. So they run with the clueless line. Sorry if that sounds cynical, have just had to give another girlfriend my lawyers details for that very reason. (I do still believe in love BTW).

314 I hope the blog is up and running??? .

I've had a fabulous day with friends and tmrw is with the DC's. LOVING the amazing weather!

lastname I found that very hard, seeing him still on-line. But of course I was on-line too, so he would have seen me. You just have to grit your teeth and accept it until you have the exclusivity talk.

Morning everyone, anybody out on a date last night? Not been so many loo updates recently. I hope to be providing a positive one tonight! anyone else?
Beautiful sunny day, makes it so much easier to dress for dates I find. I have so many sundresses, short ones, long ones, floral, fitted, sleeveless, low cut, high neck, halter neck I swear I could open a summer dress shop! Sling over a denim jacket and it's cute! This guy is going to have a shock when the weather cools and he gets to see the actual size of my butt in a pair of jeans not cleverly disguised under a floaty dress

Hahahaha last have fun!! We've all been gagging to hear a loo update on here. Can't wait for that! Enjoy!

Hello everyone can I join? Could really do with you lovely ladies advice. Basically I met this guy online, and we've been dating for around 6 weeks now, we meet up 1-2 times a week, would be more but we live in different cities and I'm in my last year of university and working shifts atm, and he also works everyday. He is absolutely brilliant in person, so loving, attentive, affectionate. However he's never been too great with messaging in between dates, we do message but it's generally just check ins and planning, though we do talk on the phone occasionally. We've spoke about the lack of messaging and he's told me he hates texting, would much rather talk in person and I accepted this.

I met his friends last Sunday and I felt all went very well, they were lovely to me and he was totally himself with me around them. I was even invited to a BBQ in months time by one friend. When we went to bed that evening I asked whether he was dating other people and he said no, I also asked if he was looking to date other people to which he said no again, it was a fleeting conversation and I left it there.

Everything was normal the next day, but since then somethings changed. Communication has been sparse and when he has responded it's felt quite cold. On Thursday we arranged to meet up today to go shopping, his suggestion, and I'm suppose to be taking him out for a birthday dinner this evening (his birthday was yesterday). He didn't message me all Friday so I whatsapped him that evening asking if he was out or at home (I wanted to call him), he didn't read the message or come online, then around 1:30am (I was at work, not being a weirdo stalker!) I noticed he was online so sent a happy birthday message, and told him to give me a call the next day when he had a minute, he read it straight away but didn't respond, cue very annoyed po. He was offline all day yesterday (whatsapp and FB) and I didn't hear a peep from him. I know he was busy out with his brothers watching the rugby then going out in nearby town so wasn't too bothered by this. But just taken a look on whatsapp now and seen he's now been online this morning, but still not responded to me. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm being ghosted?  Not sure whether to give him a call this morning or wait to see if he contacts me. I feel angry, annoyed and pretty sad. The not knowing is absolutely killing me!

Sorry, didn't intend on this being so long, reading back I feel like I'm being a massive drama queen  do I need to chill out?

I think it's 3/4s habit. I have a few websites I check out. Face book, mumsnet, another forum, my gmail, and then I got in to the habit of sleepwalking over to POF too. Ykwim? I'm avoiding pof atm because it makes me furioius to think of bear on there touting himself as a man open to a relationship. If it's a lie. And if it's the truth it makes me cross too. So, I moved over to okcupid and got one date. Even with H I made the effort to stay off it. He was always on it but he told me that's cos it was on his phone. Hmm.........

PetitePo, that's awful. Poor you. From the outside looking in it sounds like he was happy in the drifting along stage and the moment it comes time for him to have to nail some sort of commitment to the fence he backs off rather than steps up. It's like sending you the message through shitty behaviour. He might not be brave enough to say '' I was happy just drifting along here'' but by being the opposite of a good boyfriend he hopes you'll get the message that he is not going to be your good boyfriend.

I think Matthew Hussey one of our dating gurus would say to mirror his pulling back with pulling back yourself. Ie, match his lack of interest with your own alleged lack of interest. It is so hard of course, you're seeking clarification which they perceive as neediness!

Another dating guru who simplifies things brilliantly imo (Amy Young) I think she would say to you ''genuine interest, genuine focus (on you) or nothing "

Beware though, because, what tends to happen (?) is that after a week or so of cowardly avoidance he'll come back to you thinking that NOW you know, now you've GOT the message he can go back to how it was before. You'll be thinking phrew things are back to how they were in the beginning and he''ll be thinking phew I made it clear with that weeks absence that I aint no boyfriend.

So channel amy young here. Genuine Interest, Genuine focus, or nothing. Mirror his pulling back for a while and then if/when he comes back be brave enough to set your terms.

And your terms are...................................

Hi All, you seem like a witty, informed and supportive lot - can I hop on board too? A bit of back ground on me to explain where I have come from: I'm 50, separated fairly recently (since Christmas ), but lived in a loveless, sexless marriage for 2 years prior to the STBXH leaving me for a work colleague. I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer in 2014 (the real reason for marriage breakdown) and the treatment included a double mastectomy, I am still pre op the reconstruction. I have 2 teenage daughters who live full time with me.
So.....I joined Match a few weeks ago, for a distraction more than anything else, I was sick of my thoughts being 24/7 about my faithless arse of a husband. It has been entertaining and I find that I am more robust than I thought. I have happily messaged first and not taking non replies to heart and have successfully managed to extract myself from a couple of conversations that were no longer enjoyable. Absolutely no sniff of an actual date yet, but bearing in mind my history, that is fine for the moment. I have, though, started a conversation with someone who does sound interesting and can construct a sentence, so think this thread might be a valuable hand to hold if I start taking this OLD malarkey more seriously.
One question...how do you know if someone is online on Match - is it the green dot?
Promise to get up to speed and comment on other posts next time - you are an inspirational and entertaining bunch.

Well said as usual 314
po sorry he's being an idiot, happens way too often sadly! I would definitely not contact him any more, you've sent messages which he's ignored, despite being online. Go away be busy and get in with things even if you have to fake the feeling of having a wonderful life. He knows where you are, and how to contact you! Don't chase him, look up and watch as many YouTube videos of Amy young and Matthew hussey as you can today and reel it back in until he steps up to the plate, or sadly the opposite may be happening and he may be about to disappear.
Keep us updated!

Didn’t wasn’t to read and run, Petitepo. For many guys communication is a tool to make arrangements. So two guys having a phone call to meet in up a pub might be “Fancy a pint” “Good idea” “Bricklayers Arms in 30 minutes?” “Make it 45””OK” “see you”. For women, that arrangement would take 30 minutes at least. And by the way I’ve got my tin hat on.

So I’m not surprised by his not texting, especially if he’s unused to it. You may be in his thoughts every 5 minutes, but he could be thinking “what do I say now?” He could feel that anything he says has to be meaningful, and therefore when it comes out it could be a bit stilted. There is a chance he hasn’t replied because he doesn’t think he’s got anything meaningful to say, and comments will be saved up for face to face later.

And if he’s on whatsapp he could be carefully crafting a response to his mother about Sunday lunch.

This isn’t to say he’s not a complete pillock and something has happened. Just an avenue to explore, rather than fear the worst.

Welcome, Considerably. Glad to see you’re putting your double ordeal behind you, and getting on with life!

Will catch up with the rest of you later.

Morning all!

Foxtrot Thank you! I am feeling much more like myself. Last week was so horribly stressful...just knowing where I stand and not checking my phone every 2 minutes is so much nicer!

314 Good luck with the interview!

last Lovely day for a date and I agree, it's so much easier to dress for a date when the sun is shining. He sounds like a goodun, I hope it works out.

Petitepo I agree with 314 (as per usual ) Trust your instincts. If you feel like something has changed between you then it probably has. And it is freaking horrible not knowing what's going on, and being ignored. I disagree with Reddish that this is just a "man thing". It does sound as though your guy is not a big texter, which is fine, some people aren't but I think it's just fucking RUDE to leave messages unanswered for days, especially when they are from someone that you are in relationship with.
If you can handle backing off, then it's worth doing. Really hard to actually do though so do come back here and vent as much as you need to.

Welcome Considerably! It's been a while since I was on match but yeah, I think the green dot shows they are online. I wish they'd remove that feature actually, it's got the potential to drive people crazy!
Good luck with your dating!

So, I ditched Youngster. He didn't take the sexting bait on Friday night then starting messaging again on Saturday, asking when we could "hang out" then sent me a nearly full frontal naked shot. I jokingly reminded him that he'd promised to be on his best behaviour and he responded with "diddums". Couple more messages but he was being very patronising and dismissive So I blocked him on WhatsApp and he texted me saying he was just teasing. I replied and said I didn't really appreciate a) the pics and b) his tone and he replied to say it was a shame I had judged so quickly and hadn't taken the time to get to know the real him. And I'd come across than far worse than him...

So, yeah, another guy that gets defensive and narky when called on bad behaviour....seems to be the week for it.

Next week is going to be awesome! So much positivity on this thread, it's marvellous!