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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Spring has sprung and the sap is rising! It's Dating Thread 104

997 replies

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 04/05/2016 10:45

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP
OP posts:
314PrettySweetMamaJammer · 06/05/2016 21:45

inbox whittled down to ONE message in real terms.

HandyWoman · 06/05/2016 21:45

Sick because he's just said something which is rather very much saying how er, keen he is. On Me. In writing. Um. In words. And stuff.

HandyWoman · 06/05/2016 21:46

314 pleeeease write a book!!!

314PrettySweetMamaJammer · 06/05/2016 21:47

no freaky don't mollify the youngster

I told my youngster last week before we met that we were meeting platonically, as two people, not a man and a woman. I thought we could exchange experiences and information about writing. Nope, he just stood too close to me and we got pissed. Which was fun actually, if he'd just walked off and said see ya. But i had to resort to telling him that although I want a relationship I don't want one with you. And then I had to say, I don't want casual sex, with you, or with anybody really but especially not with you. And still he kept whatsapping me.
he's given up now - i think. I left my phone in work.

314PrettySweetMamaJammer · 06/05/2016 21:49

Aw handy, twix is melting!

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 06/05/2016 21:55

AWWW Handy! Gwan Twixipoo! Grin

I have mildy mollified the Youngster. Was rather hoping that the half nekkid puppy dog eyed pics might be leading to a bit of sexting...don't judge me! It'll stop me doing anything risky with MrEloquent...

Good news about Ravey! Glasgow dude sounds like a twat...if you don't message me, you're mean. Yeah, or maybe you're just not worth the effort matey.

OP posts:
314PrettySweetMamaJammer · 06/05/2016 21:59

Have you met the youngster? I would advise not sexting somebody you haven't even met? Even the mildest flirtation can be awkward when you meet up in real life and don't feel it. I guess I was flirtatious to Dr Creepy on line, and he to me, we had a good on rapport for two people who have NOT MET. That bit was important it turns out :-p :-p

but even if you don't follow my prudey little barometre, brace yourself, you'll turn up, look at him and think, oh dear God, Gear Change, Gear Change. And he'll have condoms in his back pocket.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 06/05/2016 22:06

Nah, only messaging today. And I only sext with people that I have no intention of meeting (with the notable exception of MrEloquent...sigh...slaps self)

I find that with people that I click with, there comes a point where it either goes down the "potential date" route or the "potential sexter" route. And I think Youngster is heading down the sexter route. I was very clear about not looking for hookups and he's still sent me a couple of half nekkid shots...so sexter rather than dater...which is fine. He seems sweet and he's hot so we'll have some fun and that'll be that.

OP posts:
314PrettySweetMamaJammer · 06/05/2016 22:09

I wish I hadn't MET Dr Creepy now. :-p

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 06/05/2016 22:16

Really? If you hadn't met him you would always have been "what if?" At least you KNOW now.

Is is anti-feminist to sext? Does it reinforce the notion that women are just available for superficial, objectifying, no strings fun or is it empowering that women are using men as much as men are using us? Or have I just had too much angst and wine this week? Grin

OP posts:
TrafficJunkie · 06/05/2016 22:17

Yet another iron bites the dust because I have 4 kids. 😕 it's wearing thin.

314PrettySweetMamaJammer · 06/05/2016 22:23

Oh no. Waving has 50% more DC than you and she is the one amongst us who has found love on line so don't despair.

I know it's hard though. The reason H gave for his sudden change of mind was that the realised he just couldn't ''do it''. (Date me, cos I'd kids).

TrafficJunkie · 06/05/2016 22:41

Are wavings kids older though? Mine are 9 and under and 2 are autistic. I'm probably just finding shallow men. Still stings though!

TooSassy · 06/05/2016 22:41

Evening all, have had a proper thread catch up.

freaky how are you doing? No I didn't slip him my number, I just inhaled! Wink oh and I third 314 comments re not waiting for phone to bleep. Had a fab evening watching new episodes on Netflix in my Jammies. #heaven

tulip honest advice? Ask him what this is. If there is one thing this thread will tell you, if you feel something has shifted, it has. if you want to know about his intent then ask.

last yay uber awesome lol update! When is next date?

reddish you want to know what alpha characters admire? People with confidence who don't put up with their shit. Which right now through your natural like of her you are doing. It's shitty to be dumped by text and without getting closure. Don't let her do that! If you want to leave the door open, do so (I personally would not based on how she has treated you). You can leave the door open and quite equally let her know her behaviour could have been better. She may not like it but she'll respect you more, that much I promise.

jollyx we shall see, it's early days and summer is looming many chances to meet more RL irons in beer gardens

ocelot swerve swerve swerve. You have not met. That rings alarm bells to me. The last thing I would do is contact total strangers in those circumstances. Something is totally off.

handy I'm a total softie. To those whom I love. Is there no chemistry with the handyman???

traffic don't lose hope. Ever. My kids are the most amazing little people and one day someone will be fortunate to have them and me in their life. Anyone who doesn't see that is no loss to me. There are lots of people in our shoes, chin up. You'll be fine.

314 start thee a blog!!!! I'd read it!

mrcalm has sent a few messages today. Simple. Uncomplicated. Nice.

Right off to bed. Up early to go for my monster weekly run and take in amazing early morning sun. Luvs y'all!

DrFoxtrot · 06/05/2016 22:53

Hi everybody! What a strange week this has been!

JollyX Shock at sandwichgate! Just unbelievable that anybody would think to ask for a sandwich!

Freaky you are sounding really positive and much more like your normal self, it's great to read Smile.

Yes Ocelot it sounded like Scot wanted a crutch. Someone to pour his heart out to, that he's never met Confused. I think declining him was very high value MH style, you're not there just for emotional dumping.

Handy lol at having to ghost your handyman Grin

314 judging by your posts I think you'll be great at writing! Totally agree with not sexting before you meet somebody, I've definitely made that mistake and more than once!

Reddish I agree you have to do what works for you regarding contact or walking away. I also agree with taking a break from dating, however, a change is as good as a rest so a brief look around to see who else is out there won't hurt.

last excellent news on the date!

Now my update...Fence, my ex, cooled considerably yesterday as there we no messages at all. I know we had agreed to take it slowly but that is unlike him. I sent a breezy message today and the reply was he's been busy (probably true) and had been thinking about what I'd said about taking it slowly. He said he 'doesn't want to ring hurting me again'. Translation - I am definitely going to hurt you again. So I am backing right off. I did a version of the MH speech, basically get yourself together but I'm not waiting.

The excellent news is I'm totally not emotionally attached Grin and I think it's because I have another iron and interests that have allowed me to stay well back. I'm planning to meet Leicester next week, he lives quite a way from me but works within a reasonable distance occasionally so I think he's worth a meet.

I think this is going to be a great weekend Smile.

DrFoxtrot · 06/05/2016 22:53

Should have proof read - risk hurting me not ring Grin

muddlingalongquitenicely · 06/05/2016 23:04

Have an a&e dr messaging on pof said my job in the nhs was boring and can we move to whatsapp so he can find out what im in to errr no thank you my job may be boring but i have 80+ consultants and surgeons who respect me (i help them with their mandatory training) some are even scared of me Grin apparently!

HandyWoman · 06/05/2016 23:07

Well played Foxtrot - well done for spotting the 'I don't want to hurt' you red flag. Nice touch with the MH speech. I'd say it would have been easy to put on the rise tinted specs. Huge pat on back. Get on with your irons and have fun.

and on the subject of red flags, yy ocelot I think WTF - emotional support for losing a parent from A STRANGER - Someone doing that CANNOT possibly have their shit together.

There is zero chemistry with Handyman!!

And the way I feel about Twix pushes it waaaay into the minus numbers. Like Minus 100.

I'm so welded to the smitten bench I'm nailed down guys.

HandyWoman · 06/05/2016 23:10
  • rose
Tuliptime · 06/05/2016 23:25

Too many wines to reply sensibly this eve but just wanted to say I love this thread and you're all bloody fantastic!

lastnicknamefree · 07/05/2016 07:50

Yay handy you've played the long game with patience and it's paid off with twix who has now gone from CI to jumbo sized double chocolate twix! Really pleased he's actually starting to open up a bit and put his feelings into words, and you stay welded to the smitten bench it's lovely to read after a few idiots and ghosters on here lately.

314 I agree with the no sexting thing, I too have made this horrible mistake and got too flirty before meeting partyboy then when we met and I didn't feel any attraction whatsoever it was awkward AF!! Yes please do write a blog!!

trafficjunkie I so hear you on the kids thing, as a mum of 4 here it's been really, bloody hard trying to find a decent and interested iron. I ended up accepting slim pickings and scraping the bottom of the barrel with my swiping as if I should be grateful but I gave myself a string taking too and watched a load of Amy young clips, I AM THE PRIZE. Now I had this amazing zeroith date with my seemingly normal, NICE, and very hot new iron jerryspringer so was worth the wait even if he does turn out to be another muppet it's given me a fresh hope.

foxtrot well done on reading that situation well and nipping it on the bud with fence have you met leicester yet? Something in the pipeline to look forward to!

muddling how rude of him! Obviously thought he was better than you with him being a surgeon and all. Probably why he's single with an attitude like that!

My update is after my amazing zeroith date Thursday night with newly named jerryspringer iron, he messaged me loads yesterday and we have another date on Sunday! He works some nights, and between us both being busy we want though all the days and initially settled on next Saturday as being the first day we could make. But he then came back and said 8 days was ages away with a sad face so he's juggled about Sunday evening which I'm taking as a positive that he's keen! Trying very hard to remain unfazed and feet on the ground, it's so early days and I don't even know him yet. But he's bloody gorgeous and NICE (so far)

muddlingalongquitenicely · 07/05/2016 08:20

Haha last the last time I met someone with an attitude like his, he soon changed his tune when he realised he needed my help. I dont treat any of the 80+ any differently to anyone else i work with. I luffs my group of surgeons Grin

muddlingalongquitenicely · 07/05/2016 08:23

Pressed post to soon Blush last thats lovely he wants to see you sooner and has juggled it around

314PrettySweetMamaJammer · 07/05/2016 08:30

Thought I had 7 messages but 6 of them were from the same man. He was 53 and sent six messages to tell me how young at heart he was. he had an old man's hair cut and jumper Luckily one message was from Rave46. I responded. Is this going to lead to meeting up!?!!??

I'm not sure but I think his child is really really young. I had asked out of curiosity what age his child(ren) were/are and he didn't answer. I wouldn't rule him out for having a three year old. If I liked somebody I wouldn't care what age their children were. Well, within reason. Not new born. I'd wonder why they were dating.

reddishdevil · 07/05/2016 09:43

Morning all!

On the opening doors, walking on the outside I try to do it and I’ve never had a woman complain yet.

Jolly was ‘sandwich’ a euphemism for a threesome with you and the lodger? Grin

Ocelot your instincts are right about the Scot. He may mean well but you don’t want to be a distraction from his grief. And if someone’s down, they have a tendency to bring you down with them,

Sassy you come up with the most amazing things, either in your own advice or finding the wise words of others. Sounds like a good start with mrcalm

314 enjoy the variety of your inbox. I get Chinese women in China, American women in the US, and ‘professional’ women in the UK. And the odd good one.

Freaky, you know what you want with youngster. Enjoy yourself! There’s nowt wrong with fantasies.

Handy great news that twix is now stepping up.

Traffic sorry to hear that. I’ve only ever been looking for a woman with kids because the ones who don’t have them , don’t understand, and I can’t really relate to them. You are the prize, and the right man will love and admire you more because of the way you have both coped and brought up your kids.

Foxtrot well played with Fence. Looking forward to the updates about Leicester

Last there’s nothing like that initial uplift you get when a promising prospect comes into view. It’s a very good sign that he’s juggled.

On my own situation, I think I’ve been dumped, but a small part of me wonders if it’s just holding me off. As always, Sassy’s right. I do think that I need closure.

The text basically said – enquiring after my health, then very sorry that she didn’t want to see me at the agreed date. There was nothing about ‘ever again’ or ‘moving on’. I’m paraphrasing the text as she is an academic, and the style could be easily matched up and identified. It was written in a formal, semi polite style which took the emotional expressions out of it. But she’s a woman who is used to using words carefully. I’ll PM it if anyone’s interested.

If I walk away I don’t think she’ll come back. She’s too used to life without relationships and she does have a lot on her plate at the moment. And I do need to focus on what’s best for me. If there’s going to be any approach, it will have to be from me. It’s still under two weeks which is not long in the context of a relationship of a couple of months. I do realise I’m sounding increasingly soppy and spineless though, which is quite out of character.