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Relationships

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Original poster

Husbands secret best friend

169 replies

Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 18:34

Hi everyone I'm new here sorry if it's been done to death. Just found out my husband has a female best friend he has been keeping a secret from me. They claim they love each other as friends. He told her it had to be secret because I would go mad. Damn right I went mad! I get that I fell into that cliche but hey ho. I called her and asked to meet her and she said no because she would feel awkward. Am I right in thinking that she will happily have me think it's more than a friendship by her refusal to meet me. I'm nice we could be pals to but she's made me think it's more than just a friendship by her refusal to get to know me. Should I LTB?

OP posts:

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 02/05/2016 22:39

OP, you are not unhinged. If it looks like a rat smells like a rat it probably is a rat . Partners don't keep things a secret without good reason.
You have already stated that you have no issues with having friends of the opposite sex ( something I did question)

Original poster

Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:39

A- I'm not bothered he has a female friend. He has other female friends that are not a secret.
B I would like to meet her. I think it very strange that a best friend wouldn't want to meet their best friends partner
C -as previous.
D mightily pisses me off. Uncalled for and no reason to keep her secret.
E I know he has a life outside of marriage - so do I
F why keep it secret if it's innocent?
G of course I'm pissed off that he's lied.
H don't know what you are getting at.
I I definitely don't know the whole picture
J of course he doesn't understand the stress of it all . He says its innocent and I should accept that.

Don't know what my husband has told her about me - didn't go apeshit with her. Just called her a bitch on here not to her face!

OP posts:

NanaNina · 02/05/2016 22:40

I haven't read the whole thread but I am amazed at the way the OP is being treated. Normally these threads are always on the side of the woman who has found something out that her partner/husband has been keeping secret, so why the vitriol to this OP?

Is this because she is calling the OW a bitch - well I would too. And the thing is that these things strike us in different ways - sometimes the focus is all on the OW and not so much the H/P - maybe it is because this woman wouldn't meet the OP although I have to say I can see why she didn't want to do that. I can see in the post above that the OP is being called "unhinged" for focusing on the OW.

Thisismyfirsttime · 02/05/2016 22:40

How did you know her full name? How does DH know her?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 22:53

The h) point was that she's your husband's best friend. He's 'dropped' her at your say so. I would question whether he actually did or is just trying to keep you quiet. In the back of my mind I'm not sure that I would believe a beloved friendship would be dropped that easily.

That's what I meant.

I didn't realise that you hadn't called her a bitch to her face. If this is bothering you so much then just ask your husband to invite her out for a drink/meal with both of you. She may well accept that.

StuckMelia · 02/05/2016 23:16

I think that's wrong that he keeps that secret on you. You need to do something about it, I guess.

charliethebear · 02/05/2016 23:20

I think the OPs getting a hard time. Her DH has had a secret best friend for 5 years, which is very dodgy. I think most people would be pretty angry upon discovering that. I have a good male friend and would happily meet his partner etc. If it would put her mind at rest. I also wouldnt be very happy if he kept me secret from a partner and tbh I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who talked about their crazy wife. I think its very dodgy she's willing to cut context with her best friend without even trying
And theres a huge difference between not knowing your OHs best friends but knowing of them and not knowing they even exist. And even if he thought she would go mad he should still tell her about the friendship because its pretty shit to keep a best friend secret from your partner

FeralBeryl · 02/05/2016 23:24

Everything Charlie says.
But-OP has had a hard time mainly because of her anger directed purely at the 'friend' Her DH can clearly see its upset her massively, but is acting completely unreasonably yet she's choosing to still fume at the friend.
Tbh OP, I am a bit dim but could you maybe tell us what's happened in more of a timeline etc? When did you see her in the shop? When did you know who to look for on Facebook etc? I'm just not getting it properly. Tell us and then maybe we'll fume too

Atenco · 03/05/2016 05:17

Agree with charliebear. Have been a bit surprised at the attacks on the OP as I am usually the one defending the right of married people to have friends of the opposite sex, but the lying is weird. In fact, in my case, the lying would do it for me. I think I could probably even handle an affair as long as I was told the truth, but I wouldn't be happy with a lying partner/husband.

Pearlman · 03/05/2016 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaveCamoron · 03/05/2016 06:38

Grow up OP, she is under no obligation to meet you.

Snog · 03/05/2016 06:44

There is not much more painful in life than a betrayal so I feel for you OP.
I think your DH needs to realise how big an issue this is for your marriage.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 11:59

I'm amazed at some of the responses on here. Are those of you who are yelling at the OP really saying that if they discovered their husband had a secret friend and they were telling each other they loved each other, they wouldn't be upset? Particularly when the friend and her husband were ignoring each other when they met, as though they didn't know each other? It's so obviously a really inappropriate relationship on both sides - would you all be happy with your husbands in that situation?

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 03/05/2016 17:56

No I wouldn't be happy with my husband. The friend - well it's nothing to do with her. It's my husband who is keeping secrets from me so my issue would be with him.

I have a friend who's wife doesn't like our friendship. She doesn't know we speak as often as we do. That is down to them to figure out and wouldn't be meeting up with her one on one as we aren't actually friends and I don't feel any urge to strike up a friendship.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 03/05/2016 19:40

No I wouldn't be happy with my DH at all if he kept a friendship a secret. However I wouldn't immediately extend a pizza/beer/pool invite to the secret friend and then continually refer to her as a 'bitch' if she declined. The OP needs to direct her anger where it is warranted - at her husband.

roundaboutthetown · 03/05/2016 22:44

I think colluding in a secret relationship with someone else's husband is pretty crappy behaviour, actually. Yes, the majority of the anger should be directed at the idiot husband, but the secret friend is hardly an innocent party in this, as I don't believe for a second she didn't realise she was a secret friend!

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 04/05/2016 07:42

She did collude - she knew she was a secret. But the point that the OP is missing is that the secret friend doesn't owe the OP anything - she didn't make any promises to her about honesty and trust in a relationship. She has behaved inappropriately and I wouldn't be feeling that well disposed towards her, but it's the H who is at fault. He's the one who has lied and covered up and gone behind OP's back, so that's where her anger should be directed - not at a stranger who she doesn't know. The stranger didn't suggest the friendship was kept a secret - at best she's just been naive (as others have already said, using their own experiences). It's the H who cooked up the lie and kept it going.

It's not uncommon to want to try and rationalise things as simply as possible, to blame the 'OW'. And whilst some certainly don't cover themselves in glory, in most cases it's not the OW who has betrayed the wife, it's the H. But it's easier to think of predatory women and cast blame in that direction, than it is to apply it closer to home. The problem is that it doesn't stand up to long term scrutiny; it just brushes the problem under the carpet.

In this scenario I would be very sceptical about what the OP has been told - especially if the H already has female friends that she knows about. It sounds like an affair to me.

roundaboutthetown · 04/05/2016 08:40

I think people owe each other common decency, even OW who haven't met the DW... No, if I were the ow, I wouldn't want to meet the DW, because I'd feel guilty as hell and embarrassed, not because I "owed her nothing." But yes, the dh is the biggest shit of them all. That doesn't stop the ow being a bitch.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 04/05/2016 09:00

Well, with regards to the 'best friend'- yes, your anger should of course be directed at your partner but her behaviour is pretty crappy. Who goes along with being a 'secret friend' to someone in a relationship? She is an adult and accountable for her actions.

I recently had a very old friend get in contact on facebook and after friendly catching up through messages said he wanted to take me out to lunch and drinks. I asked if his partner was ok with that I wouldn't be and he said no and he wouldn't tell her as he does what he wants. Nice. Did I meet him? No, of course not. Why would I want to be a part of a man sneaking around behind his partner's back?

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