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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands secret best friend

169 replies

Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 18:34

Hi everyone I'm new here sorry if it's been done to death. Just found out my husband has a female best friend he has been keeping a secret from me. They claim they love each other as friends. He told her it had to be secret because I would go mad. Damn right I went mad! I get that I fell into that cliche but hey ho. I called her and asked to meet her and she said no because she would feel awkward. Am I right in thinking that she will happily have me think it's more than a friendship by her refusal to meet me. I'm nice we could be pals to but she's made me think it's more than just a friendship by her refusal to get to know me. Should I LTB?

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 02/05/2016 20:23

I have a male friend I met on a forum so we spent a lot of time chatting online but didn't meet up. My DH knew all about him, but after we got to know each other more and more he admitted his partner knew nothing about me because she wouldn't like it.

I liked him, wanted to stay friends so figured his partner was his problem. That doesn't make me a bitch. If she had found out and been angry and demanded to meet me, I'd have stayed well away too. His partner was his problem not mine, why would I step into the middle of a domestic, not my idea of fun.

I'm still friends with him, his partner is long gone and he is now married to someone who knew about me from the start. His partner finding out about me was the catalyst for their break-up I think, not because we were anything more than friends, but because the rows it caused brought everything out.

twirlypoo · 02/05/2016 20:25

EH? I totally don't get why she is the bitch?

You have issues with your fella, but her? Why on earth would she agree to meet you? If I was her there isn't a cats hell in chance I would be agreeing to talk to you face to face if I knew you were only there to scope me out and put your stamp of approval on me as a friend for your partner.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 20:26

Why do you need mutual friends? Why can't he have his and you have yours? I'm not friends with my husband's friends, nor is he with mine. We have different interests and I'm not about to encroach on his friendships.

Why are you so intrusive into his friendship? Is there something more to this that you think has been going on between them? Or is it just that she's a woman and he's a man?

She's neither a 'bitch' nor an 'OW' just because she doesn't want to meet you, why should she? Stop calling her these things, please because it's just making you sound awful.

Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 20:29

Omg to the ladies who think I'm an unreasonable angry fecker - I wasn't mad at her at first, I was mad at my husband for the secrecy. When she refused my offer of a glass of wine/ pizza / game of pool that's when I got mad at the bitch :)

OP posts:
LaConnerie · 02/05/2016 20:29

So who said they 'love each other as best friends'? How old are they - ten?

If it's true - am i the only one who finds that a bit wierd and hugely childish? If my DH started declaring his 'love' for his friends i would be seriously worried about him - after i had stopped laughing.

I suspect the 'love' they are feeling is more about getting into each others' underwear than any 'best friend' shit. I would go ape shit to op, as i guatantee there is more to this than you've been told.

PinkBallerina · 02/05/2016 20:29

Oh come on everyone, stop being mean to OP she is just venting, she is hurt. Yes bitch is a harsh word but she didn't say it to OW's face.

OP i think your DH has been a shit. The secrecy of their friendship must hurt you like hell, you have my sympathy. I agree she is just as much to blame as him. She conducted a secret friendship with a married man knowing that secrets and lies can destroy lives.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 02/05/2016 20:30

Look there are three possible scenarios here. Either

  1. DH is having an affair with this woman and the whole "best friend" is a cover up. In which case she definitely wouldn't want to meet you and your DH has betrayed you.

OR

  1. DH is just friends with her but has incorrectly portrayed you as a crazy jealous bunny boiler to her. In which case she understandably wouldn't want to meet you and your DH has betrayed you.

OR

  1. They are just friends and your DH is genuinely afraid that you will explode because you do have problems with paranoia and jealousy, and have made his life miserable in the past over such things. In which case she understandably wouldn't want to meet you, your DH is afraid of you and you need to work on your jealousy.

Now only you know what kind of person you are OP. Are you a jealous paranoid person? Be honest with yourself.

Either way your anger with her is misplaced because the problem stems from the relationship between you and your DH.

FeralBeryl · 02/05/2016 20:31

Erm, how do you know she won't meet you?
Because DH-the same DH that has been lying by omission for 5 years told you? I'd check those facts out first before getting so angry with her. This is him in the wrong, don't, as someone said up thread start colluding with him about what a BITCH Hmm she is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 20:31

I've lost sympathy for the OP's 'vent' as she's calling her husband's friend a 'bitch' just because she won't meet her.

Sensible friend and if I were here, I'd tell your husband, OP. If there's nothing going on - and you have no proof that there is - then your behaviour is appalling.

LaConnerie · 02/05/2016 20:32

op please stop saying bitch.

She is not your problem, your H is - remember, the one who promised to love and honour, forsaking all others, etc....

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 02/05/2016 20:33

"I totally don't get why she is the bitch?"

Because it's easier to blame a third party than the person who you may have to forgive.

expotition · 02/05/2016 20:33

I wouldn't assume she knew about you either. That might be why she doesn't want to meet you (feeling guilty enough) & why she has decided to go NC with your H.

OTOH if you have heard from him, rather than her, that she's invoked NC, it could be bullshit.

Either way I wouldn't assume the NC will last, as if it's her decision he will be pushing at it whereas if it's his he will drop it once you've calmed down.

It might be just a friendship, but if he's happy to lie to you to stop you getting angry, he will lie to you about anything he thinks might make you angry. Rather than (a) just not do it or (b) talk with you about the issue that might make you angry.

penguinplease · 02/05/2016 20:34

The only person coming across as a bitch is you!
I wouldn't meet you either , you just want to remove the blame from your husband. He's the one that had the responsibility to tell you.
This is weird how you can't see she isn't a bitch imo.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 20:34

If I were HER, not here.

If OP has made contact then the friend doesn't need to know what OP's husband said about OP, she can see it for herself.

I can't believe how many women there are out there who think this is rational and acceptable behaviour. Either you trust your husband or you don't. It's that simple. Ask him about it - and tell him that you contacted her because she will definitely tell him.

PinkBallerina · 02/05/2016 20:41

I don't think that saying either you trust your DH or you don't is helpful. Surely everyone trusts their DHs up until the turning point that they start being untrustworthy. This seems like OPs turning point.

I would not be friends with and meet up with a married man, knowing his wife knew nothing about it. It would to me seem deceitful and sneaky. Unless of course i wanted to be first in line when he starts looking to start an affair.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 02/05/2016 20:41

I did feel quite sympathetic because it can't be fun to find out your H has been lying to you. However your insistence in referring to her as a 'bitch' is really unpleasant.

You sound immature, unhinged and quite frankly like a spoiled little Verucca Salt who is stamping her feet because she can't get what she wants. Grow up.

PinkBallerina · 02/05/2016 20:46

So much for the sisterhood, i think people are being unecessarily mean to OP, this is Relationships not AIBU. Quit with the name calling and personality bashing, the poor girl has had a nasty shock.

magoria · 02/05/2016 20:46

Give OP a break.

She has just found out her H has been keeping secrets from her and 'loves' another woman for 5 years. It doesn't matter how much she trusted him until that point because he has betrayed that trust.

I would be fucked off and pissy too.

The other woman would be called all sorts of names and so would my P.

Yes her anger is misplaced however it is understandable.

lasttimeround · 02/05/2016 20:46

Guys I'm friends with I try to make clear to the partner that we are genuinely friends w no other agenda. I don't see that just as my male friends job it's mine too as a friend.

My husband recently made a new female friend. They both have diagnoses for serious illnesses and are colleagues. Now they go for lunch occasionally and discuss what it's like. Im supportive of this, I want him to have someone to talk to- but i was also a bit threatened. The crucial thing is I feel they are both very above board. He always mention earn they are having lunch etc and when I run into his colleague she was careful to make clear its just support and friendship. We dont tslk xbout it directly just she seid she appreciated having him to talk to snd thetes subtext. My h told me he had a similar interaction with her husband which made us laugh.
I think its hard to make a friend across the gender divide when you are in a relationship but I think respect and consideration of the partner is key.

Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 20:47

The bitch could have met me, allayed any fears I may or may not have had about their relationship and we may even have become friends ourselves. They bump into each other in the supermarket and ignore each other if I'm there - I know this because of the amount of times I've seen her in the supermarket since I've known of her existence- makes both of them bitches!!!!! Him I love and have to decide if he's worth staying with. She is nothing but a bitch to me - ooooh I better get to anger management classes!

OP posts:
ViewingEnded · 02/05/2016 20:47

Really? The word cuntbis banded about on this site like it's an everyday word and you're all getting pissed at OP using the word bitch?! Perspective people, I agree with PinkBallerina she's mad, cut her some slack whilst she vents.

And FeralBeyrl RTFT - OP has spoken to 'secret best friend' hence why she knows she won't meet her.

OP, vent away, you have every right but after you've had your moment venting at her go for your DH's bollocks because he deserves both barrels!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 20:48

That's tosh, Pink. Some women just don't trust their husbands full stop. I don't know about OP but her posts don't show her as a reasonable woman. We take our experiences with us; I trust my husband, he trusts me, we don't check phones or any of that. Other people do what they do.

I imagine that of the friends I have - male and female - some may know of me, some may not. I'm not interested in my husband's friends, he's not interested in mine although he knows of my best friend but has never met him and probably never will. Our paths don't cross.

First in line when he starts an affair? Well, OP's husband's friend could do that now, couldn't she, IF he was of a mind to - and so was she? I don't understand your reasoning, it makes no sense to me.

magoria · 02/05/2016 20:52

I think the latest post saying they ignore each other if they meet in public with OP sheds a whole different layer of deception on this.

How easy and normal would it be to say 'oh this is Jane, we met at x and have chatted occasionally'.

Instead he pretends he doesn't even know this woman and this woman pretended not to know him rather than as normal people would come over and say 'hi Fred, this must be Mrs Fred'.

I don't know if you need to however you may want to consider going for STI tests just in case.

TSSDNCOP · 02/05/2016 20:52

How many times can two people coincidentally be in the same supermarket at the same time

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/05/2016 20:52

When she refused my offer of a glass of wine/ pizza / game of pool that's when I got mad at the bitch

It's been an odd weekend. I'm not getting drawn into another one.

I hope you appreciate the kindness of those posters who share their own stories in order to help you, OP.