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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands secret best friend

169 replies

Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 18:34

Hi everyone I'm new here sorry if it's been done to death. Just found out my husband has a female best friend he has been keeping a secret from me. They claim they love each other as friends. He told her it had to be secret because I would go mad. Damn right I went mad! I get that I fell into that cliche but hey ho. I called her and asked to meet her and she said no because she would feel awkward. Am I right in thinking that she will happily have me think it's more than a friendship by her refusal to meet me. I'm nice we could be pals to but she's made me think it's more than just a friendship by her refusal to get to know me. Should I LTB?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:01

New here in terms of I've never posted- read a few posts on certain streams so quickly got the jist of what LTB means . It was said with a with a little bit of my tongue in cheek. Have known about this situation for a few weeks so of course checked the bitch out on Facebook and the amount of times I've seen her since in supermarket tells me that they have often ignored each other in the past 5 years. Disappointed that I come across as unhinged/angry to the majority of you. I challenge anyone of you not to be at least a little bit peed off with the pair of them - both bitches!!!!

OP posts:
AnotherPrickInTheWall · 02/05/2016 22:01

I would never hide my best friend from anyone.
Why would he suggest ending their friendship on the grounds she happens to be a woman?
I have two close male friends; I am not sexually involved or attracted to either of them .I make no secret of the fact that we have a close friendship.
I don't know you from Adam OP. Perhaps you are the jealous type and DH has been trading on eggshells to hide the fact his best mate is female or maybe there is something more to this.

WellErrr · 02/05/2016 22:05

I still don't know why she is getting most of your vitriol.

Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:05

Lostandfound - why do you believe she is a bunny boiler? Is it because he has told you she is?

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 02/05/2016 22:06

You seem fond of the word bitch op Hmm

Valentine2 · 02/05/2016 22:07

lyingwitch
That was uncalled for and very harsh if not downright stupid comment you have there! You come across as unhinged to me.
OP
You have every right to call her a bitch because she does look suspicious by refusing to meet which is a fair and very sensible thing to do considering the mistake they have done (if they are just friends that is). I am with you. Both of them are.

Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:09

She's getting most of the vitriol because of her refusal to get to know me. I have many male friends but would think it odd if they refused an invitation to meet my husband or be willing to keep friendship a secret but hey maybe that's just me eh?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:11

Bitch isn't my favourite word sunnybitch but imagine the shitstorm if I used my favourite word .... Think Brian Cant haha

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 02/05/2016 22:12

Sorry - I missed the line in the OP that said you'd called her. My bad.
Still think your anger is misdirected.
Nor would I meet you if you were angry like you've been here.
How did the conversation go?

NorksAreMessy · 02/05/2016 22:14
Hmm
Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:15

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe You haven't met your best friends wife - i hope she knows you exist

OP posts:
WellErrr · 02/05/2016 22:16

Why does she need to meet you?

Your problem here is your husband. Not her.

Valentine2 · 02/05/2016 22:16

Yes how did the conversation go? I ho eagle don't expect to keep my cool and would be very sarcastic if I found DH has a female friend for five years who is a secret to me and she knows it too. I would probably say harsh things. And I think a half decent "friend" should come running to my house to try and resolve a fatal misunderstanding between a husband and and wife if the wife is doubting their relationship. I would expect her to turn up with a bottle of wine and within half hour we would all be sitting together laughing it all off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 22:18

Valentine, then report it, do. I don't know which comment you're talking about but I stand by what I post so do what you like.

If you think it's alright to call women bitches because they don't want to meet/be friends then you must be another delight in RL.

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 02/05/2016 22:18

But he didn't invite her to meet you!

She probably feels bloody awkward about the entire thing. If I got a phone call from a male friends wife who I'd never met or spoken with wanting to meet me I'd have my reservations too and certainly wouldn't agree until I'd spoken to my friend and asked what the deal was.

You anger is misdirected. She is not obliged to befriend you.

You sound a bit unhinged.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 22:19

OP... she does know I exist. Her husband and I work together (loosely). My husband knows that he exists and that he's my best friend. It's not an issue, there's nothing going on between us other than friendship.

Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:20

She didn't know I was angry. I wasn't angry with her until she refused to get to know me.

OP posts:
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 02/05/2016 22:23

You sound like a petulant child. Grow up.

Valentine2 · 02/05/2016 22:23

All right then I am with you on it totally. YADNBU. what is your gut instinct? Follow it. Find out more about this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 22:24

Look Nakedfingers, assuming that you're really posting about this issue and it's real. What is it that's bothering you SO much?

a) That your husband has a best female friend?
b) That you've never met her?
c) That she doesn't want to meet/be friends with you?
d) That your husband kept her a secret?
e) That you feel he has a life outside of your marriage?
f) That you think something is going on there?
g) That he's lied to you about having a female best friend?
h) That you feel uneasy because he's readily giving up his friend and you think it's not real?
I) That you think you don't know the full picture?
j) That your husband isn't taking on board your stress and worry about this friendship?

What is it? You wouldn't feel like this if she were a male friend that didn't want to meet you so, what is it that's bugging you so much?

WellErrr · 02/05/2016 22:24

She's under no obligation to 'get to know you.'

You can't go apeshit and start hurling abuse just because someone doesn't want to be your friend.

ChicRock · 02/05/2016 22:25

Well tbh I can imagine what your DH had told her about you and I understand why she won't meet you. I wouldn't want to be friends with you either.

Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 22:26

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe That's my whole point - I'm cool with him having friends of both sex - even ones I haven't met. What I'm
Not cool with is secret best friends who are both playing a game with me by ignoring each other in public. If that makes me unhinged well I'm happy to be unhinged because it's just not normal!!! Good night all xxxx

OP posts:
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 02/05/2016 22:28

It's unhinged how much your focusing on her and not him. He's the one your issue is with.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 22:35

If I can offer you some advice, Nakedfingers, your husband and you need to be on the same page about this. If you rant and rave at him, he will withdraw, lie, do whatever it is that makes you stop. It's not the way to take away your fears about this friendship.

Regarding the ignoring in the supermarket, it sounds as if you and your husband have seen this friend there several times. Perhaps it's not the time/place and perhaps your husband has told her to keep her distance because you don't like the idea of the friendship. There could be a good reason for the distance in public places and it's not always bad news.

Presumably your husband loves you; you've already said that you love him so - have you talked to him about this? Calmly so that he can/will respond to you in the same way without being defensive? He shouldn't lie/misdirect you about this friendship but if you are on tenterhooks about it and liable to call his friend names, he will keep her from you -and she will keep her distance from you too.

Tell your husband how this friendship makes you feel and present a united front. If there's nothing going on then there's no harm done - and if there is, it will wrong-foot the friend. He's your husband but because he wants to be, not because he has to be and ditto your position as his wife.

Be calm until you know there is something to not be calm about.