Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands secret best friend

169 replies

Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 18:34

Hi everyone I'm new here sorry if it's been done to death. Just found out my husband has a female best friend he has been keeping a secret from me. They claim they love each other as friends. He told her it had to be secret because I would go mad. Damn right I went mad! I get that I fell into that cliche but hey ho. I called her and asked to meet her and she said no because she would feel awkward. Am I right in thinking that she will happily have me think it's more than a friendship by her refusal to meet me. I'm nice we could be pals to but she's made me think it's more than just a friendship by her refusal to get to know me. Should I LTB?

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/05/2016 19:55

I'm FURIOUS that she has the nerve to refuse to meet me! Bitch!!!!!

BITCH

You're not her responsibility. I'm not surprised she declined to meet you. She may well have done absolutely nothing whatsoever. And it's a horrible word.

You sounds far more angry with the friend than with your DH.

Buzzardbird · 02/05/2016 19:55

I wouldn't meet a misogynist either.

SolsburyHell · 02/05/2016 19:55

I really get annoyed at this constant defence of the OW (which this woman clearly is). Of course op should be angry at her husband but why shouldn't she be annoyed at this woman too? Unless she was oblivious to the existence of the wife (unlikely given her reaction) then her moral compass is questionable and OP has every right to be annoyed at her as well as (not instead of) husband.

Lostandfoundat21 · 02/05/2016 19:56

Control issues again. I don't understand a lot of posts on here where people are trying to control their OH. What are they afraid of? I take the view that if my partner found someone else they like better, so be it, I would then go and find someone else, I'm totally confident in that thought process, so I'm fairly relaxed about what he does with his life.

But if you do feel you have a issue, its with your husband not the woman.

Ellarose85 · 02/05/2016 19:57

*Why does that make her a bitch?

Your DH told her you are a crazy person who goes nuts if he has female friends. I wouldn't meet you.*

This.

Original poster
Nakedfingers · 02/05/2016 20:00

@first she knew he was keeping her secret from me. Makes her a bitch in my book. Him too but I can deal with him - she is just removing herself from a situation she was at least half involved in and 100 % aware that I knew nothing of her existence.

OP posts:
magoria · 02/05/2016 20:00

She may not have known you existed.

Buzzardbird · 02/05/2016 20:02

That Lost is exactly how I feel. All this anger always seems misplaced. You can't make someone stay with you.

magoria · 02/05/2016 20:02

X post sorry.

Lostandfoundat21 · 02/05/2016 20:03

You need to chill out big time.

Lostandfoundat21 · 02/05/2016 20:04

Buzzard someone on here finally agrees with me! Wink

lavenderhoney · 02/05/2016 20:04

Well, she would, wouldn't she? It was his decision not to tell you about her.

How long have they been friends for and what is the content of the messages? They could just have been friends, tbh.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 20:07

I have a best friend who is male, married (as am I). I don't know his wife and he doesn't know my husband. Both know of he and I though. If she rang me asking to me, I wouldn't, but I would meet both of them if asked to.

You sound very angry; perhaps she picked up on it and doesn't want to meet you for that reason. You wouldn't be this angry if she were a man.

Take it up with your husband if you think you have justification.

Hillfarmer · 02/05/2016 20:07

The important issue is not whether the 'friend' would meet with you or not. The important issue is whether your H has been fucking her or not.

expatinscotland · 02/05/2016 20:07

Your husband is the one who is the bitch.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 02/05/2016 20:07

Actually she owes you nothing. Your H is the person who insisted on it being a secret. You're (understandably) pissed off now that you've found this out, but she doesn't owe you any loyalty or explanations. Your H is the one who is responsible for that. So I suggest that instead of calling her names, you channel your anger where it is warranted.

Gazelda · 02/05/2016 20:10

OP, maybe if you'd got your DH to suggest to her that the reed of you meet up, she might have been more amenable. But it was obvious you wanted to meet her 1-2-1 and you weren't happy with her. It's no surprise that she became defensive and refused to meet.

She may or many not be a bitch. But that's irrelevant. Your DH is the one you need to talk with about honesty within your relationship.

ImperialBlether · 02/05/2016 20:10

But the OP is saying, "If you're his friend, come round and meet me - his friends are my friends" and the OW is saying "No, I'm not coming near you." I agree all this is her husband's fault, but the OW is making things worse now.

OP, had you even heard of this woman before? What did the message say?

Gazelda · 02/05/2016 20:10

reed three.

stiffupperlip5 · 02/05/2016 20:17

I'm sorry op but I think this is suspicious as hell , you don't have secret friends for 5 years especially when they are the opposite sex. But also agree your anger should be directed more to DH as he has lied for years to you. OW is a bitch and a coward for not seeing you but forget about her, she doesn't deserve your time. Good luck with your decision X

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2016 20:17

I've read through the rest of your thread now OP. As so many have said, your anger is misplaced and actually, I'm not sure that your husband won't carry on his friendship in secret. You are SO angry and the names you are calling this woman are vile.

If my husband did that with my friends, I'd be questioning my relationship with HIM. It's horrid to read.

Anyway, if you know that your husband has a best friend who is a woman... how exactly is it a 'secret'?

Thisismyfirsttime · 02/05/2016 20:20

What's the story here OP? If she's say a work colleague that he works fairly closely with and their friendship has been built gossiping at work/ popping out for a sandwich at lunch together I'd think he's kept it secret because he knows you'll react by blowing up. If it's quite normal to read each other's messages I'd think this might be the case and they don't need to communicate much outside of that.
If he's met her in the gym/ online/ out and about and they've been meeting behind your back and messaging a lot to establish this 'best friendship' I'd think it's very dodgy and he hasn't told you because he does have something to hide. In 5 years it's easy to build a good solid hidden friendship at work but it'd require A LOT of deception otherwise and I'd be furious too. At him, though.

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 02/05/2016 20:20

I wouldn't want to meet you either. You don't sound very nice.

Heidi42 · 02/05/2016 20:21

Is this another pretend thread to amuse us (piss us off) on a boring bank holiday?

Lostandfoundat21 · 02/05/2016 20:21

^ yep you would scare the hell out of me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread