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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

689 replies

HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 22:54

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

OP posts:
DraenorQueen · 02/05/2016 21:51

You sound like my mum when she was trapped in a corner and would claim she'd poured whatever alcohol she had down the sink.

LizKeen · 02/05/2016 22:00

It is not inevitable.

If he needs to get his stuff, you get the family members who were being supportive to escort him while he is in the house. You and DS go elsewhere until he is done.

He is an addict, so unsupervised access to DS is out of the question really. You need to speak to SS about supervised contact in a centre. Again, no reason why you need to see him at all.

It needs a clean break. Any time you spend with him or speaking to him is just more time for him to tell you what you want to hear and more time for you to think about how lovely he is, rather than face up to building a new life for you and your son.

HoldingPatternDone · 02/05/2016 22:15

I know. He just always gets under my skin. It's really hard to ignore his calls. His sister said she'll come round with him in the coming week.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/05/2016 22:26

Tell her no. Lock the door and block his number.

Honestly, don't make this harder on yourself. If you're struggling with it whilst he's away, it'll be worse in person.

Don't see him, don't let him see your son, don't let him ask you about drugs or try to talk you round. With time, it'll get easier. Buy that for yourself and your child.

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 02/05/2016 22:27

Block his number. Even just temporarily for now. You can deal with any conversation that needs to be had when you are feeling stronger.

For now - I suggest you try and get some sleep.

mynamesnotMa · 02/05/2016 22:37

Have you admitted to yourself you are an addict Op?
I wish you well with getting support and help. It's you that deserves the time care and attention. You clearly have it in you to be a loving kind Mum to your baby.

slithytove · 02/05/2016 22:43

My three year old has never seen violence from his family
Never seen anyone high in his life
Never seen anyone drunk in his life

that's what you should aspire to. Not barely.

You and your son deserve that. Have you worked up the ability to flush the drugs?

slithytove · 02/05/2016 22:45

Well done if you have flushed them.

You don't need to see your husband. In fact I would be reporting his most recent behaviour to the police and children's services. Don't want to risk him getting shared custody.

HoldingPatternDone · 02/05/2016 22:53

I flushed them and I'm going to bed. Sorry everyone for sounding like a twat.

I'm obligated to tell ss about what's happened. Either if I grow a pair and call tomorrow or I'll have to say come Thursdays meeting.

I have admitted I'm an addict but still don't like being called it. Being challenged on my addictions turns me into a complete twat as most people have seen tonight. Just to clarify, I didn't and now can't give into any temptations.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 02/05/2016 23:08

Good work OP Smile

Get some sleep, tomorrow is a new day.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/05/2016 23:15

What a sad thread.

You obviously have many problems, and are in a situation which supports wrong behaviours, and makes doing the right thing very hard indeed.

But, you also seem to be taking steps in the right direction. If you carry on with this new way you are going, and if you can be honest with yourself about the addictions, and about the reality of your little boys life, then maybe, just maybe they will be a happy ending.

It's a hard road to travel. But worth it for you and your son.

Please work with children's services. You may want to pretend otherwise, but I suspect your ability to be a mother to your child is something that is in question. If you are honest about wanting to put your little boy first, you need to be listening very hard to what children's services are telling you. You will need to be making substantial changes and showing them that you are capable of making those changes permanent.

People lose their children by ignoring what they are told, making excuses of trying to talk their way out of being responsible for doing something wrong, or making excuse after excuse about why they haven't managed to change. Excuses and shifting sands of tall tales and complicated stories may sound very plausible to an addict when drunk or stoned. But social services are stone cold sober and see the excuses for what they are: lies. And people who can't tell the truth even when it matters so much, well, they aren't people to be trusted. And that will be a massive problem for you.

Social services will have heard it all before, and will be looking at your child's needs and timelines, not yours.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. Some of the posts on here have been extremely rude and verging on bullying. Although support doesn't have to be nicey nice, with some of these posts, I don't think support was the intention. However you haven't done yourself any favours either. Anyway, I'm trying to be supportive, and truthful.

Good luck.

AnyFucker · 02/05/2016 23:24

That's good, op

Get some sleep, love.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/05/2016 23:27

Sorry op, I shouldn't have said I suspected you were a troll.

You've done well this weekend, keep going.

slithytove · 03/05/2016 00:14

Well done op, what a great start.

Maybe on getting up you can tell yourself: my son will never see violence or substance abuse from his parents again.

What a fantastic thing to keep you going X

Lemonade1 · 03/05/2016 07:02

I realise my posts were harsh, I don't apologise.

Firstly I don't believe you would have got where you got to last night without the posters who cut through your bullshit. You wouldn't have flushed the drugs.

Secondly, I think your last post last night is the first time you have admitted you are an addict. Those who weren't on previous threads of OP's have to remember we have gone from 'I smoke a bit too now and then when I'm with him' to denial and lies about being pissed on the thread etc etc etc to where she is now, realising or admitting the extent of her own substance issues. This is at the root of 'I can't tell my family' and until she was brutally honest - which some of us were urging her forcefully to be - about her addiction and personal instability how can she move forward and more importantly not fall prey to h again?

She also downplayed her h's behaviour, attempting to have us believe that Saturday night was the first time he'd been so aggressive in front of their son, while in the same breath telling us that all white goods in their house are damaged by his violence. I threw that back at her to open her bloody eyes!

HoldingPatternDone I called you a troll because I was suddenly sure you were one (after never thinking that before) when you said you might spoke a bit of the weed last night. I just couldn't believe you would actually say that (do it, yes, say that on here, no).

I do wish you love, light, peace and luck. I hope you slept. I will, actually, be thinking of you as I go about my real life life and hoping you will stay STRONG! Thanks

HoldingPatternDone · 03/05/2016 07:11

I'm sorry lemonade and everyone. What I said last night about smoking some was me in full self pitying, attention seeking mode. It's not very attractive is it? Feeling sad and alone, that would be where I'd usually turn and I wanted a bunch of people to say 'dont do it, you're doing great'. Pathetic really.

I've woken up feeling better and stronger. I'm very glad it's flushed. I didn't even think about what it'd look like to ss to have just me and ds in the house and still have weed kicking about! Of course it should be gone.

I'm moving in the right direction.

OP posts:
AlwaysDancing1234 · 03/05/2016 07:18

Good morning OP. You are moving in the right direction, keep strong. Flowers

Lemonade1 · 03/05/2016 07:34

Good Morning! What a great post. You need to get through this darkest, scariest time then you will be moving towards that light at the end of the tunnel. X

Lweji · 03/05/2016 07:47

Glad you feel better today.

Would it be fair that your addiction issues include your ex? Don't you think you should treat him as such and effectively flush him too?
And keep him at a safe distance until you're off his influence?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 03/05/2016 07:58

Hallelujah! My posts were very harsh last night, and I meant ever word. It is no help to you to have people just saying what you want to hear. GOOD LUCK. How brilliant that you've woken up feeling like that Smile

BastardGoDarkly · 03/05/2016 08:05

Really proud of you Holding you are doing great. Keep it up!

BeccaMumsnet · 03/05/2016 12:40

Hi all - we're going to move this thread over to relationships for the OP.

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/05/2016 12:43

You can do this holding.

Deepbreath12 · 03/05/2016 13:31

So many similarities in your situation to mine OP.

I hope you are ok xxxx

Ellarose85 · 03/05/2016 15:13

I think some posters have been overly harsh on OP. She is obviously going through a tough time and is making steps to better things for herself and her DS.

Be kind to yourself OP Flowers