How to come out of an emotional affair

[benal345]

He is my manager and I can't leave my job, don't flame me, just need practical advices and tips.

Colouring
On a serious note, yes waiting and hoping is awful. I don't know what the answer is except keep on building your own self esteem so not to be so vulnerable next time. There is certainly a lot of game players out there also, which complicates the issue.

Going through this right now and have been for a year. Sheer hell. No easy answer. Wish I could break it off but i also work with him. Both have kids. I'm married; he is engaged. It's a shit situation all round.

Daenerys2 I think sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time it is crap because of the bigger commitments and you can't just keep on chopping and changing unless you are super rich, that is the reality, but no one says it.

One thing I would say is, if you really value them as a person then keep them as a friend and who knows in the future or years ahead your feelings may get stronger or fade, then you will know if it was real or not.

Best of luck to you all.

it's just so complicated and difficult. I wish I could just switch off. Times together are fantastic but they are few and far between. I've spent the last year living on my nerves. I just want to wake up one day and not think of him.

Thanks Ilove xxx

If you're serious about your marriage, break it off. If you can't leave it as just friends then there has to be no contact. Switch your phone off when you go home. Keep work arrangements professional. The longer you carry on the harder/messier it will be. And if he asks just say, I'm sorry, it's screwing with my head and I can't do it to myself any more. Stay strong and walk away. Work on putting back what's missing in your marriage. And good luck.

I'm going to leave and that's for sure, working on it, but I tried to go strictly professional and things have gone wrong way, too much stress not talking, and for the job we are in, I can't do half my job if we don't talk. So I have agreed to talk to him to make it work till I find another job. Will I be making efforts I made, absolutely not. I'm much stronger, and I may have forgotten it for some time, not any more. Get a grip all of us, get a new hobby, look after yourself, go for a jog, just remember you are as strong as you want to be. Now no more feeling sorry and pity for each other. Let's get together and update each other about what we have done to make ourself happier. Our happiness should be in control of us, and no one else. Hurt is a feeling which we create for ourself, not by others as we think.

Loving your PMA Benal and wish I could have your strength, but I'm not at that stage yet. I suppose at least I'm not having to physically see and speak to him, that must be so difficult.

The thing that I thought wouldn't happen has, he's said that he would never tell me to let him go.

AAAGGHHH I dreamt about him last night. I was happy and thought that it was coming to an end. But no my dreams decided different. I've gone completely NC and thought it would be fine. We'll it would if I didn't wake up disappointed that it's not real life. I guess my heart just needs to catch up to what my mind already knows.

in reply to your responses, my friend is single and my husband knows we are good friends but doesnt know about the topics of discussion we share etc.the conversations can be very personal. we work together and are a good source of support for eachother.The banter is funny and flirtacious i guess.there is plenty of arm touching and he would be the type who is into hugging .we text continuously when we are out with our own friends and he also rang me at 4 o clock one morning but i hung up quickly once i saw his name.this was unusual also as we never ring eachother.there was a time where i couldnt make eye contact with him without breaking into a crazy looking smile and going pink.he would also have had a big gleaming smile on his face.this passed as i was afraid that i looked like a love sick puppy so i avoided him and start talking about my husband all the time.im not sure i even fancy him, although i do dream about him alot in that i am sleeping with him etc.we are very similar in humour, outlook,goals , attitudes etc and i wonder if we would have got together years ago.He would compliment me regularly but not in a sleazy, sexual way. i would say we are very fond about eachother as people but i just dont know if he has an attraction towards me as i do him.i was on holidays for a week lately with my husband and when i got back,we were talking about the holiday.He looked a little unsettled when i spoke about the holiday and whenever his name is mentioned, my friends face becomes a little uncomfortable and he cant get away quickly enough.
i wouldnt dream of compromising my my family life despite these feelings but im stumped as to whether this is mutual.
do i need to pull back or does this sound like a friendship turned into fantasy for me....an escape from the day to day difficulties...help me make sense of this please.i cant talk to anybody about it,thank you

chickenrun... Do you think he's fixating on you the way that you are on him? I'm sure he's not. Why do you need so much to know whether he feels the same way about you? I think you know that this isn't viable in a marriage and your husband would probably be angry if he knew that your friendship was on this basis (on your part, anyway).

I think you're obsessing about this man and over-analysing every nuance and, as you say, fantasising about him Why are you doing that? Ask yourself the question.

If the attraction were mutual - and nothing you've said indicates this - then so what? You're married. You're on a slippery slope to an affair and if you don't pull back now then that's where you're headed.

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To be honest, I'm baffled that you've (many of the posters on this thread) have had such a mild response. If you work on the premise that many women would consider that their husband/partner forming an emotional attachment with another person would be more hurtful than a physical affair then surely you can see that there is huge potential for damage with what you're doing?

I think that you're aware of the pasting that OW tend to get (unfairly sometimes), and have tempered the posts accordingly. I'm a bit sceptical because I get the distinct feeling that some of these 'EAs' have been physical.

I was an OW myself and it was a physical affair over a period of years. I read this thread and recognise some of the statements as my own. I think you're being hopelessly delusional and - I never thought I'd ever say it - but I'm a bit uncomfortable that this thread is almost a 'back-slapping' testament to mostly self-indulgent women who don't really want it to end.

I've replied to many OW who've genuinely wanted to find a way out. It's not really obvious on this thread.

You can end it if you really want to, it is that simple. I never said it wasn't painful but it would free you from this sleepwalking nightmare that you're seemingly so intent on not waking from.

thanks for the response.yes i am obsessing.i shouldnt but iwant to know as im really confused as to whats going on.i cant make sense of it iykwim.im somewhat relieved that you do think that there is no reason to see this friendship as anything more thanit is based on the information i have given.i was reading alot into it, perhaps in the hope that he was attracted to me.i dont have any other male friendship so i would have thought that some of the inter actions were not appropriate.so if this is normal for male/female friendships, then why am i feeling like its more?

Thank you, LyingWitch, for your words. I have been watching this thread with frustration, but because I am a cheated upon spouse I didn't think I was the best person to post on this, even though I too have flirted on the edges of an EA during my marriage (but pulled back, put in iron boundaries and had it pass thankfully), so it's not totally unknown ground for me.

The thing is, I think when you are an OW/cheater (and don't kid yourselves, people, if you are involved in an EA you are one of those) many may feel as if their experience and that of their partner in the EA must be unique and more powerful than that most mortals feel. The reality is that anyone who has been married for a while (say 10 plus years) will someday be a little bored in their main relationship, will feel letdown in some manner by their main relationship or just may be having some sort of existential crisis. EVERYONE feels this way at some point. No one relationship can meet all our needs, every moment for the rest of our lives. NOT ONE. And sometimes (though in my experience, many fewer than the preceding category) the marriage is dead in the water, in which case the answer is to have the character to end it.

So the real questions is, who do you want to be?

I'm not at all saying it's easy. Of course it's not, but it is simple. And it will pass. Like I tell my children, the only thing we can do in life is try to be the best version of ourselves and not hurt others if we can avoid it.

You are grown ups. Just do it.

Tend to agree with dontknowwhatcomesnext and lying.

It's cheating. It's not OK. It really is that stark.

Been there, done that. On both sides. I am not unsympathetic but in the end you are storing up heaps of hurt for everyone and you are doing it willingly. Is that really OK with you?

Sorry chickenrun but you're behaving like a giddy schoolgirl from what you've posted and, if you don't keep a grip of your feelings for this man, you're liable to make an almighty fool of yourself. Believe me, you don't need humiliation piled on top of this.

Why on earth do you think that this man is uncomfortable hearing about your holiday, your husband, etc.? You're supposedly such good friends who talk and banter with each other... and you perceive (I think) that he's so smitten with you (as you are for him) that he can't bear to think of you with another man even if it is your legitimate partner. Do you really want to throw away your marriage?

I know this sounds very hard but better you embarrass yourself on this thread and have somebody with your best interests at heart tell you to stop being so ridiculous then for people to be laughing at you behind your back. Believe me, work colleagues will have spotted your behaviour if not his. His, from what you describe, is nothing more than chat. Yours is quite remarkable and I imagine it is being remarked on. This is the bit that is unfair... when a man and a woman in a workplace indulge in any kind of liaison, it is ALWAYS the woman's morals, character and behaviour that is held to account and commented on.

If you really do value your marriage then try to look at this man objectively, as a colleague/friend and nothing more. If you can't do that then you'll have to cut ties and stop the chat. I really, really don't want to see a heartbroken post from you saying that your marriage is over and how can you get your husband back. Of course though, if your marriage is that bad then end it, walk away and feel free to have a relationship with this man or another one.

I hope you'll take this post in the way it's intended; purely out of concern for you. I know where it's going and there is no happy ending there, you have SO much to lose.

To be honest, I'm baffled that you've (many of the posters on this thread) have had such a mild response.

This

As ever, if this was a bunch of blokes posting on here lamenting at how hard it was to ‘control their feelings’ and describing how hot under the collar they got when the object of their desire was in the vicinity or how they got anxious when their texts were not responded to they would be slaughtered.

Reasontobealive and Benal, I wasn't including you in the 'most of the posters' in my last post. You're both cognisant and determined that your EAs end/will end/have ended, and I know that's coming at a huge price.

What your thread became - about halfway through - is some of the most-self indulgent and utterly selfish, deluded drivel from other posters that I've ever read. Posters who think that kissing doesn't take it to a physical affair and others who can see the situation worsening and are glibly refusing to take any ownership or responsibility for themselves. I found those posts really awful to read and I know there will never be a 'Supporters Club for OW' here on MN (and nor should there be).

I've long maintained that there needs to be support for OW because its the most difficult and awful position to be in. There is little help on MN because the 'role' of OW is diametrically opposed to the defined support infrastructure for cheated-on partners here (who are mostly women).

The posters who jumped in to the thread, grasping it gleefully as the opportunity to 'talk about' their OM, with no intention whatsoever of ending the relationships, have done you both a great disservice and I hope you'll come back to your thread because I wish I'd had one like this to read when I was enthralled with my OM, it would have opened my eyes.

It's not rocket science: end the affair and stop all contact. If you work with them and can't leave for another job, only discuss essential work matters and avoid them and work socialising where they might be. Not hard if you want to remain in your relationship.

The most decent thing to do would be to tell your partner what happened, truthfully, so they can decide if they still want to be in the relationship.

You can't be "friends" with someone who is "Not Just Friends" (Shirley Glass), and maintaining contact is just further cheating on your partner.

And the poster who's desperately waiting the brush off or open door from OM should definitely tell her partner or end the relationship with her partner: if you want to pursue relationships with other people, who may or may not like you, just be single!

Dozer, only actual Rocket Science is rocket science. That's a bit trite and, in my opinion, is like telling somebody with an alcohol or gambling addiction to just STOP DOING THAT. No, affairs are not a disease but they are/can be a serious addiction. What else would you call an act which pitfalls and consequences if caught are so well known that people really ought to know better?

Telling a partner is unlikely to be useful advice because if having an affair is a selfish act (which it is), what person who categorically doesn't want their marriage to end is going to - having stacked it with dynamite - wander around with a lit match?

The Shirley Glass book... well, for some it might be helpful for some but I really don't think it will tell the posters on this thread anything that they don't already know. My personal opinion of the book is that it might assist the cheated-on partner in understanding why but how does that help? Knowing 'why' doesn't excuse nor explain the reasons or actions of the cheater.

If you've never been in the position of having an emotional or physical affair - or even at the crossroads of it - then it's very difficult to understand why people do it. I think this thread is valuable reading (with the exception of the 'squeee' posters who seem to have zero empathy). Anything that makes a woman (or man) think and recognise what they may be walking into and the potential consequences of that - is well worth reading.

No more trite than "poor you"!

I'll save most of my empathy for the DC of people who cheat, and partners, with the possible exception of partners who are abusive and/or arseholes and even then it doesn't reall excuse cheating.

I don't think affairs are addictions in the medical sense, but part of any addiction is experiencing some nasty consequences. Eg the making amends part of the 12 steps.

I've been in the position of both (briefly!) being the OW and having an affair, a long time ago, no DC or marriages involved. IMO absolving yourself of responsibility or continuing the affair secretly because breaking it off is "too hard" and you lurve/are addicted to the OW/M so much (yet also want your primary relationship and other things) is just compounding the cheating,

people are not helpless slaves to their libido or emotions.

I haven't said "Poor you!" anywhere on this thread, nor would I. I can however still feel empathy for people who have and are making terrible choices and decisions. You can't; fair enough.

Some posters have essentially been saying that. I have some empathy left for those doing the dirty, but not much 'tis true!

Well, I'm with you there, Dozer some of the posters on this thread really need a reality check. We're not helpless slaves, that's very true and if we really want to end a relationship enough, then we do.

From my experience, the crossing of lines can sometimes be so subtle that the signs can be missed. What's ok in one aspect can, by a few degrees turned the other way, not be ok. I'm hoping that my own experience having been an OW will mean that I'm alert and aware of the dozens of steps it can take into an affair - and never take them again.