How to come out of an emotional affair

[benal345]

He is my manager and I can't leave my job, don't flame me, just need practical advices and tips.

Lord

I am not showing you any kind of path, just feeling sorry for your wife, you express further up the thread that you have no regrets over your EA, you felt compelled to write the OW a love letter, you clearly still pine after and have strong feelings for the OW. You almost give yourself a pat on the back for not shagging the OW when the option was there. You say you threw your energies into improving your marriage yet it is evident that you see your wife as a second best option and someone you have 'settled' for as she is clearly never going to get close to the pedestal you have placed the OW on. As I said, your poor wife, I can't help but think she should go and find someone who loves and values her.

As for your pithy 'guilty of falling in love' line it kind of glosses over a whole raft of duplicitous shit behaviour on your part, you don't just randomly wake up one morning in love with someone else, you enable and create an environment where such feelings develop and thrive. You could have put appropriate barriers and space between you and the OW a hundred times, defused things, put the relationship on a more appropriate footing, but you chose not to. At least others on here have at least admitted regret for their actions, you still hold a torch to the one that got away.

I think it's also unhealthy to think of them in such rosy terms. You essentially put them on a pedestal and make all of it as something you think will make everything better. You certainly can fall in love, that's human nature, but once it's over you have to put such feelings away.
I couldn't stay with my partner if I didn't feel that actually he is someone I love. And I lost sight of the good man he is. All I saw was someone who didn't give me all I wanted. But I didn't let him because OM was my only focus.
I still hurt. I do still love him. It's hard to feel better in such a short amount of time but I am determined to. I recognise the failings in me and I want to fix them. If in a year I haven't then I'm in trouble.

"And I lost sight of the good man he is. All I saw was someone who didn't give me all I wanted."

That is key. When I had my EA I began to see H as someone who didn't love me enough - or love me in the right way. And when H had his A he told me he felt the same as I did 20 years earlier. But the thing is nothing had really changed in either case - the change was that someone shinier had come along and made an old relationship seem shabby.

And of course there is always that old chestnut of communication - if your relationship isn't right it won't get better without doing something about it and that includes talking.

BTW Lord - the fact that you interpreted sympathy for your wife as a criticism of you suggests you need to work on your empathy. Some of the most important things for recovering after an A are humility, remorse and empathy on the part of the wayward - your posts suggest you perhaps don't really have these.

I saw the OM as perfect. Without any faults. But as the scales fall from my eyes I see that he is just as floored as my partner. He gave me new shiny feelings that tapped into my needs. I still see him as being someone quite incredible and as someone I like to be around and talk to. But that's because I miss him always being there.

I'm on my weakest bottom, I think I've got anxiety, doesn't mean anything I feel/did/do is right, but I just can't get myself bother it too much.... Need hand holding to get out of it

Oh benal, you'll be ok. I say this wanting it to mean I will too. I am ok and then, well I'm not. But we have to be. What's hard is that we have no one to express how we feel to. And on here we get vilified for being in our situation. I think that' none of us go looking for an EA but it happens due to so many factors. I'm trying to surround myself with friends and my DC, trying to live the life I should have been doing. Reducing contact to work issues. But God is it hard.
But you will get through this because you want to and need to. And so do I.

I can't sleep with the thinking about it all. I hate that it overtakes my thoughts. It feels like he is avoiding me, taking time off work. Something I can ill afford to do. He seems just fine. It's me who is struggling
All very pathetic and self indulgent I expect

I wrote a long post last night that I lost. You make a really good point Reasons about not being able to talk about it in real life, so everything is completely internalised. I also know what you mean about taking over thoughts: for months now he is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. It is not healthy.

Do you think people in your workplace have picked up on your connection? There is one person who smirks when they see us together, others have commented that we are like a married couple etc but neither of us have toned down our interactions. There have been a few times when the atmosphere has seemed thick with tension, where he is giving off vibes and I think he is about to say/do something. At which point I prattle on to try and divert matters because I am scared (more on that later).

In my case, it is an EA without the "affair" in so far as I actually separated from my husband a few months ago. I am not sure if my colleague realises, as I haven't said anything outright - although I would have thought it was obvious from fact I don't wear my rings anymore, the photos in my office have been removed/concealed and I never talk about him...

I've been giving some thought as to why I haven't been more upfront, as in some ways I am desperate for something to happen. I think it is because I can't see a long term future in it: he would have to change jobs and he wants children. I have a few child bearing years left in me but time is running out on that front. I find it so frustrating. Part of me wants to be really brave and say I love you, I want to be with you, let's find a way to make it work. I don't because I am scared. Scared he will reject me. Scared he won't reject me.

LordTywin - feel so sorry for your wife - bet she is living the dream with you while wait for messages from your real love. How nice she has made contact again..perhaps you all 3 can meet for coffee? Or would that not count as "trying" to make your marriage better. Show your wife your messages on here, let her see who you are and let her take it from there.

I am a new poster and have been lurking on this thread for a while. I came to MN for some advice and am amazed by the stories I've read that resonate with me.
I have been having an EA on and off for over a year. It escalated in the last 3-4 months. he is my ex from 20 years ago and I always had feelings for him and wondered "what if?" which makes it worse. He is divorced now - having had an affair - ironic ?!
We live in different countries even but he lives in my home town and we still have masses of mutual friends.
Recently I went back to visit my parents and it escalated and became physical. the next day he "dumped" me (for want of a better word) saying he couldnt be the cause of my marriage break up when he has seen what an affair does first hand etc
I am v heartbroken and also v angry that he let it go so far and then backed off
I dont know what to think. He started blanking my messages which sent me a bit round the bend. I am slowly getting better but still think of him every day and have to physically stop myself messaging him.

DH and I were having some major issues, I was eyeing the exit sign. Realize OM was a huge distraction and made me feel amazing. Stopping messaging was like stopping an addiction as it had been a huge part of every day for months and months and then suddenly - nothing !!

i talked to DH recently about my unhappiness (didnt add this detail) and he has been amazing. Still dont know if my head is 100% into fixing it. But would be easier as we live overseas and dont know if he would ever allow me to go "home" and take the kids if we split. Also now don't know what OMs actual intentions were - did he mean all he said about his feelings or was it a bit of fun that suddenly for scary serious ?
anyway long vent
It makes me feel better that all the mental feelings and feeling in love seeme to be more common than I thought. I'm seeing a counsellor who told me about the "spitting in the soup" technique which is basically to stop your mental narrative about how wonderful OM is- the reality is eventually in a real relationship with them you'd end up picking their pants and socks up off the floor !! Kind of a reality check from the rose tinted glasses

Where - yes I do think that it's been picked up on. We have always had a very relaxed friendship and I find it easy to talk to him. Certainly comments have been made about our closeness.
But he has ended it now and I am sure my change in mood and behaviour is equally noticeable. Stupidly he's the only one I can talk to about this but he has to, understandably, focus on putting things right at home. As I do, but I am also having to deal with the fallout and my emotions. I miss him constantly. The not being able to tell him things is so hard. And yes, i could text my partner these things but to be honest, he wouldn't be interested.
I don't love easily, and I am so angry with myself, for allowing these feelings to develop.

I don't think we can control our feelings; we can try to control how we respond to them but even that can be a struggle.

I'm struggling tonight I've told OM that I'm not strong enough to end it on my own. I've told him that he needs to help me by telling me to let him go. If I try and end it myself then the door is always going to be slightly ajar, and I know I'll go crawling back every time. I need him to close that door for me.

My door is well and truly shut but I know that if he messaged me I'd go running back quicker than anything.
It hurts. It's not healthy. It made me happy but it's gone. I can't change it or make him come back to me. And that's all I want.

Reason did he tell you to not ever message again.

He did yes. As much as he wants to talk to me and tell what he's doing or seen we just can't. We need to have space and try to go back to being good friends. I'm in no doubt that he misses me but his priority is his family, as should mine be. But after such a long time it's hard to just sever all non work contact.
He was a very big part of my life and it's all I can do to not message him.

Barbara - I think I haven't let him fill the void. I rationalised in my head that he was/is the root cause of the EA. and maybe he is partly but right now I need to work my way through what I'm feeling.
I do try to text girlfriends and that does help a little but I guess it was the constant contact that I miss

I'd be the same Reason, even if he closed the door, I'd run back in a heartbeat if he called, but I know that he's less likely to message me than I would be him, which is why I need him to tell me to stop. I'm still waiting for him to do that though, after sending him a message a couple of days ago telling him that it's what I needed.

These things often come about because a person feels something is lacking in their marriage. On closer inspection, it's because there is something lacking in the person themselves - a need of some sort, validation, whatever. Having been (at one point or another in my life) on all three sides of the triangle - it's better to meet your own needs. The emotional affair is so attractive because of how it makes you feel - not necessarily because of the actual qualities of the other person.
It is possible to escape. Good luck

Objectively he is nothing like any man I have ever liked. He is so very different to me. But yes I think I lacked faith in myself, I didn't feel loved, my DH was complacent, wouldn't talk, immersed himself in his hobby and distanced himself so u was feeling needy.

Objectively he is nothing like any man I have ever liked. He is so very different to me. But yes I think I lacked faith in myself, I didn't feel loved, my DH was complacent, wouldn't talk, immersed himself in his hobby and distanced himself so u was feeling needy.

Supersop, for me, I've never felt something was lacking in my marriage. There are no issues and no OM shaped holes that need filling. My DH and I are just as connected as we've always been. You are right however, in that the things that are lacking are within me and related to my PND, and I've always known that. In a way I've become reliant on him, which I know isn't good.

I know my EA is very far from perfect. He's got lots of faults. I hate it when we can't speak openly. We get on very well and I don't think I've ever been more comfortable with who I am than when I'm around him (I feel more comfortable with him than I ever did with H). Have gone NC as on leave from work for a while. It's so hard!