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Original poster

How to come out of an emotional affair

230 replies

benal345 · 30/04/2016 15:35

He is my manager and I can't leave my job, don't flame me, just need practical advices and tips.

OP posts:
Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 17:59

What's - oh I so see mine like that. There's just an easiness to our friendship that makes me feel relaxed and comfortable

Proseccopanda · 07/05/2016 18:16

Same here. From the start it just felt so natural, like we'd always been doing it.

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 18:20

I can't wait to see him on Monday.

BarbaraRoberts · 07/05/2016 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 18:40

Barbara - thank you for your kind words. It's more than I deserve

raisedbyguineapigs · 07/05/2016 19:24

Seems to me that the only man on this thread is being torn to shreds but the women are being let off somehow. Many have admitted that their ea is a fantasy and they don't want a real relationship, just the intensity and romance of forbidden 'love'. My single friend has had two EA's with work colleagues. Both times she has minimised the wife and dismissed the marriage as unhappy without really any evidence that I can see. It's all 'oh he works so hard and she still expects him to do a,b and c, you can see from pictures he is unhappy, she forced him to have another baby' nonsense. Yes the person in the relationship shouldn't be even having an ea, but the whole Fantasyland is incredibly damaging to the primary relationships of all involved. It just feels a bit like double standards.

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 19:30

I can say that I have never minimised his wife. I don't think their relationship is or was unhappy. We both lived this fantasy thing but I have no idea why he pursued it. We didn't ever talk about our partners.
And believe me, in the cold light of day I feel guilty and angry and despicable. But I also still have feelings I have to work through.

WhereTheresAWillTheresAWay · 07/05/2016 19:59

I can't wait until Monday either...

Well, I would like a relationship - circumstances make this difficult - and I certainly do not have rose tinted spectacles on. I can see his faults clearly, they are part of who he is.

I can't bear his girlfriend TBH. Obviously I only get one side of the story but she sounds needy and controlling. I think the issue is that for all his bravado he is insecure and doesn't value himself highly enough. He talks about someone "putting up with him" etc. I just want to fling myself at him and tell him he is wonderful and I would more than put up with him Blush

Reasons, if there really is no future in it, are there ways you can minimise work contact? Although I guess there is anticipation of if you may see him etc. I do really feel for you.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 07/05/2016 20:27

Im (finally) coming out the other side. Im married, he is in a serious relationship.

Ive left the job and done the unfriending. For me it was about confidence within myself. I had no confidence, I was frumpy, flabby and overweight. The only good that has come out of it for me was that now Im losing weight (in a good way) and getting fit. It has focused me to be the person I was 15 years ago rather than the person Ive become since getting married and having DCs. There is nothing wrong with that as I had other priorities, but I wasn't ever putting myself first. Now I do a bit more, but obviously still taking care of my families needs.

Its still a little raw, but I can't see any reason why I will ever see OM again.

There is nothing wrong in my marriage and things are as they always have been, if not a little better.

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 21:13

DrHarleen - how long have you been out of it? Mine is so very recent that I'm still trying to come to terms with why I did it, how I feel right now and how I could fall in love with someone else. I've never stopped loving my DP, but like you I put everyone else first and lost sight of who I am. Then he comes along and makes me feel like I'm important again. Now I may have been projecting my needs on to him, especially at first, but it grew. And I grew in confidence and I was happy.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 07/05/2016 21:24

Left work 3 weeks ago and unfriended him off FB last night.

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 21:52

The thing is I love my job. It's such an important part of who I am and not just because of him.
I've now been two weeks without non work contact.

Howdoyoulive33 · 07/05/2016 22:01

I've seen this type of stuff a lot in offices over the years. The women usually get more emotionally invested than the man, he usually just wants his ego stroked or something else Hmm

Karanka · 07/05/2016 22:06

Howdoyoulive33

Because women don't have egos, right?

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 22:08

Of course it fed my ego. My ego was a rock bottom and this brought it up. I am under no illusion what it was for both of us.

Howdoyoulive33 · 07/05/2016 22:09

I just meant men usually can compartmentalise these things better than women, obviously I am generalising.Blush

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 22:30

Well yes. That's what he's doing. Putting how he feels in a box. He finds this the easiest way of dealing with it. Whereas I struggle with that. I just hurt.

Karanka · 07/05/2016 22:34

There's no reason why an emotional affair would cause any less turmoil or pain for a man than a woman.

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 22:36

He is hurting but he is dealing with it in his own way

Howdoyoulive33 · 07/05/2016 22:43

Karanka Hmm really

Karanka · 07/05/2016 22:49

Yes, really.

Reasonstostayalive · 07/05/2016 23:08

I think it gives men a real disservice to say they dint feel as much as we do. I know OM is struggling as much as I am. He's not a bad man, he is one who feels and thinks and is going through the guilt and hurt just as much as I am.
That's why I like him. Because he isn't a bastard. He didn't mean this to happen anymore than I did

whatsmynametoday · 08/05/2016 07:44

Couldn't agree more Reason.

I know my EA was unhappy long before our relationship turned to what it is now. We've worked together long enough, have mutual friends and its something I've been aware of for a long time and also the complex reasons why they're together still ... Not that that makes it any better but I guess I know he's not just feeding me a line.

I know he's as invested in this as me. Potentially more so. I know he feels awful about the situation, although maybe he's better at compartmentalising those feelings than me. I know he's not just a bastard out to get laid. Maybe there is a big bit of ego stroking for him, but then there is for me too. My marriage has been dead in the water for years and there is definitely no love yous, or being called beautiful and it is lovely to have someone say those words to me again.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 08/05/2016 08:37

The thing is I love my job. It's such an important part of who I am and not just because of him
Me too, but I left. I think thats another reason why it hurts. I had to give up the first job that I loved for a long long time.

Regarding feelings. I know in my case that there was a lot of guilt from him. He nearly split with his GF because of the guilt.

I considered leaving DH, but I couldnt leave my DCs. I didnt want to break their hearts. Also I certainly didnt want to leave DH for OM. I must admit, even though our marriage is going well, Im still wondering what if.

It has certainly stroked my ego, which in turn has given me motivation to get myself back on track and to be the person I once was. Im losing weight (5ft 5 was 12st 7lbs - now 11st 3lbs) and Im getting fit again (through running and weights) I dont know what it has done for his ego though. I have spent the best part of 15 years not caring about myself.

When I left work we were friends, nothing more. However on Friday night I unfriended him on FB. Ive not communicated with him. Part of me wants to, but Im not going to. Still wish he'd ask me, but I dont think he will. Its probably a good thing if he doesnt, still doesnt stop me wanting him to.

We have a holiday coming up over May half term and a weekend away in June. Im hoping by July I will be over OM.

ilovemykitchenaid · 08/05/2016 12:28

I am 3 weeks into recovery from the end of a very intense 6 month EA.

I fell head over heels in love with an amazing man, it was heartbreaking when it ended and I was a wreck for a week but slowly getting better.

I realised that it had to be no contact. Going from constantly in contact to once or twice a day hurt more. The constantly hoping for contact was way more painful than knowing for sure it wasn't coming.

An EA creeps up on you and before you know what's happened your in deep and it's too late.

Do I regret the EA. No. I my life is richer for it. Do I wish it could have continued. Yes. But it couldn't and the pain years down the line would have been horrific. So it had to end.