How to come out of an emotional affair

[benal345]

He is my manager and I can't leave my job, don't flame me, just need practical advices and tips.

It's worse for me as I think I've invested too much of my emotional energy in there, though I can feel him invested a little as well but all I know for now is, I'll go mad if this doesn't improve soon. There is defn no future ever, I just want to hear positive stories of people who have come out on the other side. I'll defn do special/ extra efforts for my DH, he is a lovely guy and always looking to keep me happy. I'm such an idiot.

But that's what you do. You put everything into it. Feed it with feelings that aren't tenable. The person you feel this way for is not the same person if you had a proper relationship with. It's make believe. And yes, your feelings are real. Mine certainly are, but out of this bubble it wouldn't work

Is he married too? Mine is.

He is married, he does talk about her sometimes, but then I think, he must lack something in that relationship to invest so much time and energy with me. Or is it just me, as I'm the more invested one or the one making efforts all the time. What if I stop making efforts, which I've done couple of times and then he messages back and I give in...

Also it's not that it's all nice and rosey, off late we have had lots of arguments/fights and that has shown how this impacts me as a person, probably more than him.

I'm addicted too. Completely. Both married.

He makes me feel attractive physically and intellectually and we make each other laugh. I've tried really hard a couple of times to end it for good, but can't quite keep it up. I know I need more backbone.

Mine does too. But in an abstract way. Like she's not real which keeps our relationship separate. And that's what it feels like. I was separate. Not a bit on the side but part of him.

Benal that sounds very familiar

God, he makes me feel like the most beautiful and intelligent woman he's ever met. And that scares him too. The guilt he feels is much more than me. He has tried to end it so many times but comes back but this time there is no going back which is what breaks my heart

Oh Reasons. That does sound heartbreaking. So so hard to cut ties.

We haven't even discussed this openly, lots of things are unsaid between us, we have discussed that we like each other, like to spend time with each other and being with each other. But off late things have been very stressful at work and it has taken a toll on me, maybe him as well but he just distance himself and so hard to talk to him then. Is makes me go crazy. Hence I've thought, to hell with him, I can't let him control my life and control my happiness... I'm going to take charge...

It's never discussed as that makes it real for both of you. Feeling, needs, desires are all ignored. Because if you say how you feel it becomes real. And that's not allowed

Oh my goodness, I am going through exactly the same at work - except I am the boss. We've been working closely together for the last few months and just click. I've never met someone who likes the same things and thinks about things in the same way as me.

I am trying to hide the depth of my affection for him but he doesn't do too good a job hiding his feelings - the way he looks at me sometimes, I can barely make eye contact it feels so intense, I'm petrified I am going to give myself away. I can't leave my job and I'm essentially his line manager. I hate the weekends and holidays, because it means I can't see him but then I think about all the time and energy I am wasting mooning after him.

Essentially it is wasting time on them. They can't give you what you need. You may feel you love them, as I certainly do but I can promise when push comes to shove you will be dropped like a stone. And then you have to find a way to deal with your heartbreak on your own. It's not worth it. Yes he maybe the man you gets you more than anyone else ever has, but he will always go back to his wife. You will suffer on your own.

OP....my EA came about as my marriage was ending (we'd already agreed to separate)

They made me feel amazing. They had known me for years.... We were two peas in a pod.

Ended abruptly in Feb and I went immediate no contact, blocked them, the works.

Never thought I could still be able to hold my head up afterwards.... I didn't crumple into a heap. I don't miss them.

I figured that the things they said about me were true even if I couldn't be with them.... So I chose to take that road instead.

I'm stronger for it, my strength has surprised me; then again I don't have to see them every day.

OP and others, believe you are strong enough to move on. Stop the guilt because it is paralysing you. It's keeping you rooted in your situation and is hurting you.

Take care..

Instinctively that's what I am trying. To believe I am stronger, better, more alive. He saw something in me no one ever has done and for that I was always be grateful.
But the position we are now both in is hard. He needs to rescue his marriage and I need to find a way forward without him.

I'm the same. To tell you the truth I don't quite know how I let go as abruptly as I did.

Maybe I was hoping we'd be together down the line. Either that or I've entered some kind of self-preservation mode ...

I hope I didn't come across as trivialising these situations. They're so difficult. I just know personally that my anxiety has plummeted. I'm counting that blessing as there aren't too many others right now.

Hope over experience eh?

Reasons - just wanted to say I could have written your last post, word for word. ....

Hope and unrealistic expectations are what keep it going. You think you want them to just want you but if they turned around and said its just you I want would you really leave your relationship? It's the fact that it's pretend that makes it safe and easy. Yes we love them but realistically we couldn't have a good functional relationship with them.

When you find the answer, let me know. Not judging in the slightest as I'm in a tricky situation too. I suspect it is more than An EA in this case?

That's the thing, there is no answer. You meet someone you connect with, but if your main relationship is struggling they fill a gap. I want him to text me more than anything BUT I know it will not do me any good, please just find the positives in your own life. The absolute heartbreak that will happen to you is just not worth It. He will never be yours as much as you kid yourself. He she gets you and makes you feel good but he will never ever put you first. You will be dropped like a stone the minute his wife finds out.

Yep. Had a year of it. The good times are amazing; the bad times are dreadful.

That's the whole point. It's peaks and troughs. They are never wholly yours.

Oh god this post has made me cry. I'm in a difficult situation too. It's good to hear there's others out there going through this and surviving.