How to come out of an emotional affair

[benal345]

He is my manager and I can't leave my job, don't flame me, just need practical advices and tips.

Helpful

I am going to try and reduce contact from this week.

Another self indulgent 10 year old here

I'm reading some of these posts and it's like I could have written them myself. I am also trying, and failing miserably, to end an EA

I 'got out of one' over 20 years ago.

I was able to leave my job and did as soon as I realised he wanted to take it further. At the time I was married and he was in a new serious relationship.

However leaving might have stopped the EA in it;s tracks but it took a lot longer to get it out of my head. I have NO doubt that it impacted my marriage. When you have the memory of someone who loved you that much, admired you that much, was prepared to leave his relationship to be with you (yes - so much utter horseshit - I know that now) it's far easier to emotionally withdraw from your main relationship whenever there are challenges (and we had lots of those), hold something of yourself back. I had a 'secret place' to escape to when I should have been totally invested in my marriage. Consequences ? My own DH had an affair of his own a long time later. His rationale? 'He didn't think I loved him. And looking back I can see how he might have though that. I was a semi-detached wife. There is no excuse for him to have an A - but there was no excuse for me either.

FWIW the thing I'd urge you to do is perhaps tell your partner - not perhaps the full details but tell him that you got too close to someone at work and that you need to work on getting closer to each other. Don't allow yourself to pretend it didn't happen and get your partner on board with working on your marriage.

I had an EA around 7 years ago, which ended up crossing the line and turning into an affair. I have never regretted anything more in my life and I still think about it now. the whole 'i'll leave her for you, just say the word' is a load of crap.

he was engaged, I had a BF, he said he wouldn't get married if I left my BF. I did as I was told, and he still got married.

turns out, it was a very lucky escape, but awful at the time, and even more awful afterwards, as I dealt with the guilt and the fact that all the lies were for nothing.

sorry - I digress . . .I guess im just saying that affairs are NEVER a good idea, and the sooner you stop this, the better..

As long as you are 'trying' to give up the affair, you are giving yourself permission to continue it. It's only when you commit to stopping that you will stop.

Summer that is entirely it. You have to commit and work hard to get out of it. It is painful knowing I have put so much at risk and lost my way a bit but even just a small amount of time helps.. Plus no contact at all.
It has also given me the room to reassess and look at what was missing in my current relationship. An emotional affair fills gaps. It's not real and very rarely makes you happy. I wish I had just stayed friend.

I have NC’d for this for obvious reasons.

Just over a year ago I had what I now know was an emotional affair, though that was not a term I had heard until after it was over. It certainly had all the hallmarks of one. I look back on it with a strange mixture of shame and astonishingly intense longing.

We were colleagues at work who had grown close over the course of shared projects and an overseas work trip we attended. We started talking more and more, having coffees in work, and then meeting out in town on weeknights. I just loved her company, the person she was, and I gradually found myself falling in love with her. We had one date, which was the last night I saw her. It was very emotionally intimidate (we were never physically involved), and gave me a snapshot of a different life and it was massively alluring.

She broke off contact at that point. I have never felt so completely bereft in all my life. It was like someone had torn a limb from me. I was listless and depressed and I stayed that way for months.

I moved jobs (and location) at the same time, and then shortly after she did the same. We haven’t seen each other since.

We didn’t speak for months, though we have recently started talking again as she has been seriously ill for a few months – now thankfully in the clear. In the meantime I have devoted my time to trying to improve my marriage and trying to be a good dad to my kids. I have done what I had to do and have directed my energies where they belong, but I now know that my wife and I will never have that connection. I feel shame at what happened but no regret. I met an amazing person and forged an incredible connection. I’m glad it happened as I have rarely felt so alive. I would do anything to be with her again.

A lot of people on here talk about EAs as if they are just a bit of fun for men – something that they can discard once the attentions starts to wane, or when the complications mount up. That may be true for some, but certainly not for me. I would have gone through all kinds of hell for her.

What I find hard to stomach on these kind of threads is how the narrative is often framed in such a way you would almost think all the people confessing to EA's (in the past and present) are some how the victims, that their predicament was just foisted upon them with little input from themselves or that they are somehow powerless to stop the EA dead in its tracks.

I certainly don't think I am a victim. I am someone who didn't think of the consequences. I allowed a friendship to overstep the mark because I liked feeling how it made me feel. And I was stupid enough to focus on that rather than addressing the issues it hid. And now it's time to take my head out of the sand and focus on my issues.

Totally agree with Resonstostayalive

I could have stopped things from getting so intense at numerous times, but I didn't, because the relationship made me feel incredible. No one forced me down that road.

I feel shame that I wasn't fully devoted to my wife during that period, but I would not change what happened. That makes me a bad husband, nothing more. You can beat yourself up about it but it's pointless unless you take the experience and you move forward with it. Having an EA doesn't make you horrific person.

Really glad I found this thread. Have also name changed for obvious reasons.

I'm in the grip of an emotional affair and it's what I imagine being addicted to crack might be like. The highs are wonderful and the lows utterly crushing.

It's not a colleague but one of the parents from school. He's married. I split up with DP before Christmas and other man and I became close by chance at the start of the year.

We've kissed, exchanged hundreds of emails, texts. At no point has he ever expressed dissatisfaction with his marriage or talked about leaving her. He also seems to think that he can reconcile what's going on with being married and that the intimacy is not a betrayal. Which is bullshit, really, and I've pointed that out to him, but for some reason, he seems to think overstepping things on the physical side is far more problematic than telling me he loves me .

I tried cutting contact and it made things far worse for me. So now back in touch, albeit far more limited than before. He freaked out a few weeks ago, withdrew emotionally and then has spent the following weeks trying to backpedal and tell me it can go back to how it was. Which it can't.

I don't think I want to go out with him, were he to leave his wife. I don't want the mundane reality of a relationship. I want the incredible intensity and emotional connection that I have with him now and if we were together 'normally' then that would fade. However, I want him to want to leave his wife and to be with me, even if I don't want that. Some kind of 'pick me' vindication, even though that's not what I want long-term. Which, is incredibly selfish of me, I know.

I don't care about his wife. I don't like her and have always found her annoying. She's aware that something's going on but he's tried to reassure her that everything is ok. Despite him doing little to hide the level of contact. Again, I know it's fucked up and selfish. I just feel so much animosity towards her.

I don't know how to move forwards. At some point he'll fall from his pedestal and I won't feel so emotionally connected to him. But right now, I just want to be with him.

I imagine we could end up as the most hated women on mumsnet from this thread. But it's reassuring that there are others in the same boat.

I never wanted him to leave his wife. Selfishly I just assumed we'd carry on for however long. I was happy with the status quo we had. It suited me and my emotional needs. But I came to rely on him too much. He became my emotional crutch and validation. And that is not healthy for anyone.

I'm too scared of my partner to leave him.

Limerence - I'd think of it as more situational, and as you know it will pass as it isn't "love". Limerence can be one sided or two sided, but don't do your real life relationship down until sure you're not in the grip of this - then if you are, the answer is to get a grip....

Read the link - en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

My EA also isn't with a work colleague, but instead an old school friend, and in fact we've not physically seen each other for almost 22 years and live 3hrs away from each other, so it's all happened via Facebook and Skype. We're both married, and neither of us can identify any issues with our marriages that could possibly make us feel the need to go down this route, so we're at a loss as to why we have. The only thing I can think of on my part that could explain it, and I'm not saying this excuses anything, because it really doesn't, but I was diagnosed with PND and anxiety a couple of months before it started. One of the main issues for me was having zero confidence and lots of insecurities about my body, and he made (makes) me feel better on both counts. I don't want to leave my DH, I don't want him to leave his DW, and I have no dreams of us running off in to the sunset together.

I agree with what you say Selfish, about imagining it to be the same as a drug addiction, with the amazing highs followed by the crushing come downs, and in my case, I am ashamed to say that I am well and truly hooked. I can't pinpoint exactly when or how we crossed the line, but once we did it seemed so natural, like we'd always been doing it.

I know what a despicable thing it is that we're doing, and I have tried to end the EA so, so many times (unfriended and blocked him), but have been left so bereft that each time I've gone crawling back. I know it's pathetic, I'm pathetic, I know that although it helps with my depression in some ways, that it's seriously messing with my emotional wellbeing in other ways, but I can't seem to let go of him. My latest attempt to end it was last week, but I can't go longer than a couple of days without contacting him again, I'm just so weak and wish I could be stronger

Prosecco yes to the addiction angle and intense highs but a lot more lows.

I've not been in touch with him today.
I know the situation is much more significant to me than him.
But Lordtywin is spot on when he talks about intense longing. That's it entirely. Longing to feel wanted, longing for banter with someone who just gets you and makes you laugh. Basically the opposite of my marriage

That's it. It offers something you don't have or need. But because it's not real life you just don't know if what you are experiencing could be replicated outside of the affair. You wait for a response and that is what's makes you feel good. You rely on them to feel better.

colouringinagain

That's exactly how it feels - Longing to feel wanted, longing for banter with someone who just gets you and makes you laugh. Basically the opposite of my marriage

My EA was never physical, and the longing wasn't for physical intimacy, it was for emotional intimacy, the kind that parenthood and familiarity have drained from my marriage.

A lot of people talking about EAs as if they are not real, like it is a fake / artificial high. That may be true for some, but it was/is not for me. This wasn't some escapist fantasy. Just before we broke it off I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt, and over a year later I still feel as strongly as I did then. Nothing has faded.

Your poor wife.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster:

Thank goodness you are here to show us the righteous path.....

No one posting experiences on this thread is claiming to be perfect.

I could have had a physical affair - I didn't. I went and devoted all my time and effort to my marriage and family.

I'm guilty of falling in love with another person - I can live with that.

Why don't you do the decent thing and leave your wife then, my Lord?

"I'm guilty of falling in love with another person - I can live with that."

I don't suppose your wife could. How would she feel knowing she's second best and that you could never have the same connection with her as with your OW? You stay with her out of duty and a sense of responsibility. I appreciate that you stopped short of a physical affair but I suspect that your wife wouldn't recognise the difference as much as you do. I agree with Pan - your poor wife.

BTW why does it annoy you when someone sympathises with her? Dont you?

I'm certainly not annoyed that someone sympathises with my wife, not sure where you get that from. My wife is fully aware of what happened - it was something we talked about a lot last year, and we agreed to try and work through things and try and improve our marriage, for our own sakes as well as our children's.

No one is forcing me to stay - I stay because I want to make things work.

Fair enough. I know I would have struggled to stay with my H if he had felt about his OW as you do to the detriment of his feelings towards me. It was the biggest problem for me that I couldn't believe that he loved me in the way that I wanted to be loved. But we are all different. However please don't assume you are home and dry yet - I say this sincerely - your wife may take a long time to get over this. longer than you expect and hope.

I got the impression from your rather abrupt and sarcastic response to someone who simply said 'Your poor wife'.