Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

I can't imagine how it feels right now garlic. You have gone from being secure and happy to your dh changing everything - you sound quite calm but I'm guessing that inside you aren't feeling calm at all.

I do get what some of the others are saying about you needing to talk. Everyone is different but I too can't quite understand you leaving so quickly after a very short conversation. You were probably in shock but if it was me I would want answers straight away. I feel that I would deserve answers and to know what as going on.

I hope you're ok Garlic.

Are you waiting until Sunday to return home or are you considering returning home tomorrow?

Am I right in thinking you said you'd be coming back to your flat on Friday? And he has told you don't come until Sunday? Because that sounds seriously dodgy to me..what's he got to hide?
If I were you I would definitely call into the flat tomorrow (before or after the Dr) when you're in the area. Partly to assert your right to enter your own home, and partly to check that all is well there.

Has he said anything that would make you think that at some point in the near future, he wants to try again though?

I said the same myself earlier Breakfast. I would be driving over right now actually.

Sorry I never made it particularly clear. I had spoken on here about asking about whether he would be willing to meet on Friday, but I never actually said it to him, at that point I was intent on letting him have as much time/space as he wanted. So no, I didn't ask to come back Friday for him to say no, Sunday. I let him decide a timescale, and he suggested Sunday, albeit that turned out awkward as he didn't think I was coming back home to stay.

I am considering popping by before the doctors tomorrow. I do need to collect a couple things, so I do have a reason.

The only thing that has made me think he isn't ready for this to be fully over, is that he hasn't said it's over. If he's also not spoken to his family about it, he's either not ready to tell them as he might still think it's a chance, or possibly he doesn't want the hassle off them.

He will be prepared for you coming over tomorrow though Garlic as he knows about the Drs appointment. Was he protective over his phone in the last few weeks.? Have you gone online to check his facebook, check his emails, phone bill numbers etc?

Not normally an advocate for spying on stuff ever.... My view has always been if you feel you have no trust in someone then that's an issue in itself and you need not look further. Whether trust issue is real or imagined, it's an issue full stop and needs dealing with.

But in this situation, I might be tempted to have a look on any tech lying around, iPad, laptop etc. Just to see if there might be something you ought to know about. Cos if there is something.... Don't be played for a fool. fully prepared to be flamed here 😁

Am place marking here (don't really want to comment).

Personally I think regardless OP you'll spend ages trying to "repair" things with your DH and will do anything to keep him which he will then play on.

I think his script now is either due to an OW or the fact he doesn't want in or out of the relationship anymore.

For you, it was your first everything, moving out, relationship etc, I don't know if he had prior experience of this. I do think sometimes (not always) big age gaps either way depend on one person either relying on the other more or there being a imbalance or some thing else. I do think generally if one gets in a relationship with that age gap (which is almost 10 years) both have to see it from the age perspective too. My DB eg is married to someone 9 years younger, and his best friend is with a woman who's 26 (he's 42) - they had a child together but she's had to grow up fast and be a stepmum to his 3 children one of whom is a teenager. For whatever reason your DH now seems to have back-pedalled and whereas a normal person would move heaven and earth (despite work constraints etc) to ring you etc... He didn't do this!

Anyway I don't really want to comment too much but I can appreciate your hurt, you seem (as is quite normal) to be swinging from outrage and anger to resolve and wanting to sort things out, the other thing I'd say, if it is over (or if he makes it up with you) please don't go from frying pan into the fire re a new relationship, you're 25 FGS! So Young! And so nice.

Funko if he'd been honest re an OW I'd say no spying but in this case just to put her mind at ease i would say spy, I don't think OP will spy though.

If there is an OW it's very rare to name them in a divorce petition these days anyway.

The other worrying thing is if there is an OW I fear OP would get even more upset, the lack of trust would kick in even more etc.

I'm concerned that if there is another woman then poor op will turn herself upside down to make him happy and change herself whilst he carries on in secret. That's all. It's awful and beyond cruel should that happen and unfortunately we all know it does happen way too often 😟

Funko yes I can see that happening too... Will do anything to stay with the man...

I know 3, yes 3 women who are in relationships like that right now, 1 (41) has a 6 year old DD with the man, the other 2; 1 has a grownup DS and in her 40s the other is Childless but 36.

All are with men who have cheated and treat them like shit, all are strong women and intelligent.

Why do they do this?!

I'd be out of there like a shot. Am thankful to my mum and nana (her mum) who didn't stand for any nonsense and had 2-3 marriages apiece.

I hope the appt goes well tomorrow Garlic. You could always stay on at the flat when you pop in there tomorrow, no need to rush, it's your home too. Maybe you could start organising your things into whichever bedroom, eg clothes out of your wardrobe, there won't be so much to do on Sunday then, when your H is there too. You're doing so well.

I think the OP needs to know whether or not there is an OW. It is torture not knowing the reasons why your world is suddenly falling apart. She needs to know if he was just a coward for not communicating his anxieties about getting married, etc or if he is seeing an OW and is just re-writing history.

I highly suspect there is an OW. I have been there and only through everyone on my own thread suggesting an OW did I make attempts to find evidence. I was so shocked. I was firmly of the belief my DH would never do such a thing and that he had no time. Turns out he was meeting her when he should have been working. There was a pregnancy scare with her which was at the point he told me "I love you, but I am not in love with you any more".

I'd try and catch him out.

I'm confused as to why you think he was only expecting you to pop into your flat to collect some stuff on Sunday... He said it would mean he'd have to stay with his sister in his text??? Why would he have to stay with anyone???

Is it not possible that the OP's husband may have just felt the pressure of TTC?

It's bloody hard for both people in this situation and maybe when he says I need some time to think, he just needs some time to think?

The OP left, not him.

We all say things in anger or frustration and what he said about I got married too soon, trying for a baby too soon was I am sure hurtful to the OP, but maybe it was just frustration.

All this talk of their must be another woman is just causing the OP to get more wound up.

IMO - they just need to talk to each other

Hi op just catching up. Sounds like your holding it together.

When Dh walked out on me he didn't tell any of his family. I think it's because he thought every one would say ' get back home you knob'. His dad turned up looking for him and I told him, he was very shocked. When they tell people it makes it very real.

I'd keep your cards close to your chest. I'd really try not engage in any text messages. I wouldn't be quick to respond and I would try to pick a fight or get my point across. Very short to the point messages with no emotion.

Don't back down in not moving back in to the flat. If he does want to break up - this is the consequence of it. If he needs a break he can move out.

You don't have to decide on anything right now.

Garlic firstly you need space yourself to decide what you really want .Do you want to work on your marriage,save it and ultimately have better relationship with dh or you want to start new life.i suspect you want your dh back but sorry to say you been pushing him away . Why on earth would you be so insecure as in asking him straight away if he wants to leave you just because he wanted to get issues out in the open?why get the packed bag ready? . Could well be true that he just got fed up with constant moodiness and actually needs space to think and regain balance.TTC without success has had negative impact on him too without a doubt . probably he just wants to stop trying for now .i don't think there's OW..and those suggesting it are not being helpful.
In regards to giving him space.how much time he needs it's entirely up to him and pestering him,having hysterical conversations and pushing for timescales will only drive him further away . You both need time apart but when he's ready to talk please really listen to him. Most of the things he said such as being forced into marriage and so on most likely just said out of anger. Just calm down,destract yourself from negativity, enjoy simple things and learn how to be content on your own .don't worry he won't run off with OW .
Good luck

Pop in tomorrow and on Saturday unannounced to start moving the bedrooms around, preferably at times you know he won't be there.

It will be weird being back in the flat. Breaking yourself in gently could be helpful.

It will also remind him that you have equal legal rights to be in the flat (and greater moral rights). You don't need and won't seek his permission to be in your own home.

Also, practicalities, don't leave yourself with too much to do in a heightened state on Sunday night.

If he has left the bog in a state it gives you a chance to remind him to clean it.

Instead of taking stuff out on Friday I would bring stuff back.

Maybe put on a load of washing and leave it hung up to dry. Make some lunch and put the leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow. Change the bed sheets on the bed you will sleep in.

All in baby steps on Friday when he is out and more on Saturday. His reaction will tell you how much of an entitled cunt he is or not.

I'd say I am NOT 'going back on' my promise to give you space just because I want to come back to my own home. You can have as much space as you need. You, however, ARE 'going back on' your promise to love, honour and cherish me, in sickness and health til death do us part. Actually you haven't even asked if I'm ok. While I am trying to respect your wish for thinking time, even though you're telling me that the time you went down on bended knee and proposed in our new home, I had somehow forced you into it, you are showing me no consideration or love whatsoever.

I think you should take a deep breath. Go spend an afternoon alone sitting on a park bench or in a library or in a coffee shop, and think about what you want. What you really want to do.

People on here give really good advice but it doesn't mean you have to take it. Do you really want to be sharing a place with your (maybe) ex? Think about what everything means, think long term, think short term, make a plan. Think about what's right for you.

Nightwanderer most people I know who've stayed and shared with the ex after a break up have found it ultimately makes any breakup pain longer, or they resent having been forced into this situation as you can't move forwards (if you meet someone new where can you take them?) etc. I do know most have said it just doesn't work or works for very short periods only. I've heard horror stories of friends getting upset (but not wanting to) and the partner either comforting them or refusing to do so etc, either party has also felt pushed out (even if it was agreed to share the property) and there's an avoidance game. Not healthy all round.

What would be ideal is for OP to decide long term if she wants to stay in the flat can she get help either by guarantor loans or other monies from parents etc or her own finances and rent out second room. She can then move forwards stay single, meet someone new etc. her DH can be bought out. It appears she has a good job with support. She could also if need be get a second (part time) job to help towards her finances.

I don't blame her in a sense for cutting and running from the situation as ultimately she didn't want "the talk" or to confront him and it seems as if he didn't want that either. That's the only saving grace in their relationship as if it is really down to lack of communication then that's their main sticking point!

The way it's been handled on his side (and eagerness to see friends etc and presumably act as though nothing is wrong) isn't good going forwards though either.

I'm not sure if there is an OW either necessarily (in 2 minds) but I think her DH if they split would most likely find someone new quite quickly as some men are wont to do, OP knows this hence the running back and salvaging things.

The TTC would be another issue in their relationship though and if that does or doesn't work would they then be at situation they're in now?

All food for thought really.

copying from last thread.

On Thursday he said you could pop by on Sunday, what's happening on Thurs/Fri/Sat ? I mean who has he got staying?
its your marital home, You don't need his permission.Just go round when you please know he is at work & have a look
It sounds like he is fine, his social life hasn't stopped.
You are off work, in distress , in trouble with finances, still trying to discover if you can get pregnant. parents failing to support your wishes....
he is fine & dandy & allowing you to collect stuff in 4 days time.
btw, He DOES have options of where to go, if its while you collect stuff, there would be no need to avoid you, I mean you aren't the enemy. or he could go for a walk. or stay & simply try & talk to you.
If he doesn't want to live in the same place he can go to sister or parents, like you did. It is him after all who has checked out.

This feels like for him he is now free & single he isn't "thinking about things", he isn't thinking about you at all & enjoying living in his bachelor pad.

btw, He may be planning on keeping the flat himself, & to move a lodger in also, he won't just hand over the flat to garlic

He sounds really really self absorbed and unpleasant with accountability problems and a victim complex. I wouldn't be interested after this week's behaviour.