Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Hi all,

I am prepared for either outcome- him wanted to stay together and work on things, or him deciding that it is for sure over. I am playing a waiting game at this moment, and by deciding to give him time to think about what he wants, I've not been fair on myself but that is what I have done, so I am moving forwards on that basis.

If he reaches the decision to try and his heart isn't in it, then I don't know what I will do. If he decides to work it out, then it really is back to the beginning, going through everything, sorting through every little problem we both have with each other, and if he's not willing to have this sort of discussion with me, then I will need to be making the decision that perhaps this is really it.

Thanks to all the relate links, I checked on their website and it looked like it would be such a great thing to do. They are not available in my area, but I have found another option which will be. So, if he does decide to work on things, I will be hoping we could do this.

I really, truly believe there is no OW. Really. I would be completely shocked if that was the case, however it would be pretty final for me too. So there would be no hanging on like this. I'm not going to go snooping. When I do return to the flat, if there is anything obvious, then I'll deal with it, but I won't go snooping on his laptop or phone.

After thinking about everything so carefully, I think everything wrong in our marriage just built up and he snapped from the pressure of it. I take blame for a lot of issues in our marriages, I have been very selfish, but I can't take blame for him not discussing these with me at the time. I'm not unapproachable. If I knew how unhappy he had been feeling, I would have understood and taken things seriously.

he won't just hand over the flat to garlic

No he wouldn't neither should he nor garlic do the same.

If neither can afford to buy the other out. In a short marriage with no dependents it would have to be sold and equity split.

Garlic, it sounds as if you're taking a very measured approach, reflecting on how you may have contributed but also placing responsibility on his wrongdoing. I absolutely agree that you shouldn't waste time and emotional energy snooping, despite some of the advice on here to do so. This isn't a drama; this is your life.

Hi, have read both threads, there is alot of useful advice on here and I can't add to it, am just delurking to say how well you come across, Garlic. I would be so proud if you were my daughter. Wishing you all the very best for your conversation on Sunday, you will be in many of our thoughts and in my prayers too if that's OK.

Good luck with your appointment today. You're doing really well. he doesn't need 2 weeks to think, he either wants it to work or he doesn't. He's not spending 2 weeks agonising over this, he's having his mates round and generally ignoring you. And he shouldn't be leaving you to.

Garlic, within any couple there is always some fault on both sides. I do hope he has also spent this time soul searching as to where he is at fault and could have done things differently.

You are not a mind reader and as far as we here are aware you haven't done anything without his agreement.

If he does want to work on this then yes counselling to improve communication is vital.

Are you still moving back in on Sunday?

I hope the appt goes well today for you.
You are sounding strong so keep going.

How are your family being now?
Have they backed off?

I'm still planning to move back in on Sunday, yes.
My family have been okay. We didn't really talk about anything to do with this yesterday, I don't have much new to say. They are aware I am going back on Sunday, but I have told them that my husband may be going elsewhere instead. I also said we will be having a conversation on Sunday, and although there may not be a decision, it will be a conversation.

I just don't know about things. I have been incredibly selfish. I will push and push for things to be done my way, and although I haven't went through and done them within his knowledge and agreement, if he hadn't said so I would just continue to go on and on until he does. It's been nothing major, trivial things about wanting to buy a new lamp, or decluttering. I'm looking back now and just thinking that he must have felt so backed into a corner with my behaviour and pressuring him to agree.

These are important realisations.

This thread is really doing something to me; I feel like I'm breaking your heart here garlic, such are the similarities between this and how I ultimately ended my marriage (at 27, married to a 35 year old). Years have passed but this is bringing the guilt right back!

All situations are different, regardless of the similarities, but I did the complete emotional disconnect - from genial wife to "I feel absolutely nothing towards you" overnight - but I had been wrestling with my own mind on the subject for so long. I had been unhappy for a long time; should he have known? Should I have told him? Who knows. Perhaps the contrast was more stark because I had been trying to "give it a fair shot" before, so I didn't raise the issues I had, I acted like everything was perfect, but I felt I was seeing if we could be happy. I felt like the problem was mine and I was seeing if I could fix it. The day I decided I couldn't the switch was flicked; over the years (!) it took to finalise the divorce I sometimes imagined I could switch it back, but ultimately I knew I never would.

For what it's worth I did agree to counselling together after my "I feel nothing" moment. But I did it because I thought it would be better and would help him let me go without a fight; I just wanted it to be over, I wanted the pain and guilt I felt in our relationship to stop, and I didn't want him to make a fuss about it. I thought it would help. In honesty an old flame had found me on the internet and I suddenly remembered there was a world outside the daily "are we/aren't we happy?" of my marriage. So I guess there was an "OW" of sorts. If it's any come-uppance, this old flame ditched me quite spectacularly with a brutal emotional disconnect, "I never meant any of it, it was just some sort of elaborate escapism from my daily life and the woman I really love", so I learnt my lessons and I feel like a completely different person today.

Don't know why I told you all this, makes me sound like a monster, but just in case you see any similarities and can get any insight. And perhaps a little bit to ease my guilt.

Beware beating yourself up too much. One thing reflecting on our behaviour, and learn from it, another to blame ourselves for others' actions and decisions, or try to change so someone will love us.

Also, it's quite common for people wanting to end a relationship (for whatever mix of reasons) to criticise the one they no longer want to be with, as part of their self justification. This happened to me in my 20s and I believed it all (at the time) to my detriment for a good few years. In my case it turned out my DP wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else, and he actually many years later (met by chance) apologised for things he'd said to me and said he'd been seeking excuses .

I agree with Duck.

It is good to see the fault in ourselves and there are always two sides, I just hope he has been doing the same soul searching.

I read your last thread garlic and I think you've been more than fair in all this.
Hoping Sunday's conversation turns out to be a positive one

and what about him???

what about his part in this - was he so fannywhipped that he couldn't say no??

My Dp always used to give me anything i wanted. We would even joke where i would say "what????did you actually say no to me??" I guess i was a bit spoilt but he enjoyed spoling me i guess. Christ -he even did horse riding for me but things change finances tighten and the n word is spoken more and more. But thats ok. We have both grown up.

It sounds like he hasn't gtown up.It sounds like the whole thing if ivf is becoming too real and he is scared.

thats ok but he is treating you atrociously . The fact he wanted you to come back into your own home by appointment only. That would seriously have me questioning if he doesn't have something to hide.

The question you have to ask yourself now is not how to make him want you but do you really want someone who thinks it is ok to treat you this way.

I think your self esteem is low and you need to work on that.

I would also take legal advice over the flat as he clearly sees it as his.

Duck You're spot on there about the criticism, I remember one of the more bizarre criticisms I got from my ex during this phase was that I couldn't drive! So fucking shoot me, I also don't speak German - equally irrelevant to a relationship.

I was stood there and I didn't know whether to cry (mid argument and breakup) or laugh at the ridiculous things coming out of his mouth so I walked out of the house. Sometimes people just can't be reasoned with or spoken to.

I'm glad you are both speaking on Sunday, nothing can move forward until you both talk. I hope it goes well and like others have said I hope there has been soul searching on both sides, good luck op

If I have ever asked for 'space' in any relationships I have been in, then I have already made arrangements to go elsewhere. I have NEVER expected the person I'd asked to be the one to go. I know you went very quickly garlic, but it does sound as though he'd made no arrangements for himself prior to this. What was he going to do if you'd sat there that night? Unless his friend he'd gone to chat to was offering him a sofa to sleep on...

And now sitting there like Lord Muck, hosting gaming/drinking evenings with his friends in YOUR FLAT?! Yep, he is trying to revert to single life, I'm afraid. You are going to inconveniently remind him that he is a grown up with responsibilities, and I very much suspect that he's gone to knock you down (metaphorically speaking only, I hope).

Don't build your hopes up for a grand reconciliation. He may let you hang about for a while, prostrating yourself trying to be 'better' for him, while he vacilates and 'tries', and eventually decides that he was right the first time, you are controlling and he's better off alone (ie, with his friends playing computer games late into the night and drinking when he feels like it).

Cakey...precisely what I said.

I don't have the highest of hopes. I'm trying to be realistic. I'm clinging onto the smallest hope that somewhere in that man is the person that I married. That somewhere he still has the same love and adoration for me. Because I still have that from him, after the initial shock has worn off and I am left here thinking, I want to have my husband back. And we will work on things, and have an amazing relationship. I am ready to work for that completely.
But his inability to make up his mind terrifies me. It shows me that he may still have a little hope it can be fixed, but it also tells me that he's torn about whether it's better to just give up too.

I need to just prepare myself for this conversation on Sunday.

Thank you for sharing your perspective in all of this eat. My husband is a kind man, and although his actions towards me this week haven't reflected that, it just shows me that he's suffering too. It's not minimising the pain he's put me through this week, but I appreciate that I can't let my emotions run away with dealing with 'that man', I need to be civil and be able to communicate in an open, honest way.

On the subject of selfishness, it is also extremely selfish to go ahead and marry someone and to continue to leave them in the dark regarding true feelings. If you don't love someone then don't marry them, let them be free to be loved and happy by another.

To add, I really think counselling is the way to go so you can be confident that,whatever his decision eventually turns out to be, he has reached it via his true feelings and not because 'he has been talked into it'. It's the only way you would ever feel secure within this marriage.

I don't think I would want someone who treated me so unkindly.

You can go back to your house at any time can't you, its your house after all. Perhaps that will set your mind at ease that there is no one else, because if he isn't expecting you until Sunday he wont have removed any pairs of wine glasses etc.

He sounds really really self absorbed and unpleasant with accountability problems and a victim complex. I wouldn't be interested after this week's behaviour.

I couldn't agree more! But I have lived, quite embarrassingly, through the throes of "doing everything I can" and "needing to be sure". I sure as hell won't do that again, but wouldn't criticise anyone for doing the same. I just aim to remind people going through this that it's perfectly OK to end a relationship because it doesn't suit you any more and/or isn't making you happier. There's a whole world out there. Divorce was made easier for good reasons - marriage isn't compulsory!

Also, I don't think you are the selfish one in the relationship.

"pairs of wine glasses etc."

Oh, god, that brought back a cringeworthy memory! I used to be such a sucker