Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

It sounds all too real (and horribly reminiscent) to me and a lot of other posters too. We've lived it & Im sure many of us wondered how our lives had suddenly become a bloody soap opera!!

Mostly just come off the thread then if you don't believe she's genuine, wtf see u getting from posting shitty comments on here??

OP you are doing well, I still believe u need to go back before Sunday and show him u are not dancing to his tune.
Speaking from experience where my ex did the same thing, woke me up at 5am one morning 3 months before our wedding to say we were over. I was at my parents front door with a bag by 6am in floods of tears coz I couldn't remain in the house or face him. Everyone deals with situations differently and the fact u didn't stay to talk it out does not reflect badly on you.
You need to do what's best for u. Move back but give him space like roommates and go from there

moistly not mostly, bloody phone!

Moistly, if you don't think this is real then report and fuck off the thread

Your bad manners are showing

I truly do not wish to cause offence or to goad. Will bow out.

Hey Garlic I had the exact same conversation with STBXH in August. Literally word for word!
To PPs slamming OP for walking then changing her mind. Have you been in a similar situation? I can tell you it is DEVASTATING hearing the man you love say your marriage is basically a sham, all false. In that moment it is "Fight or flight" You want to cry and scream and you know you can't in front of this stranger! He should've said he was leaving, he didn't because he wanted HER to leave. He didn't have the guts to end things sooner or leave his home comforts (playstation)
Stay in your home OP, he can like it or lump it!

Moistly if you believe OP is a troll, then report this threat to MNHQ and let them deal with it.

YY, I know I'm not the only one to say this, but it does bear repeating.

To all the posters saying 'just talk to him. . . .blah blah' have you not picked up that he doesn't want to talk to her??

He asked for space (in my opinion if that's what you need then you are the one to leave) she gave it to him.

If she'd stayed and tried to force a conversation it would have completely fit into his personal narrative that OP is a bully; and 'forces' him in to things and would have been used as a stick to beat her with: I just asked for a few days to sort my head she couldn't even do that. . . . this is what I've had to put up with'

Now personally I would have said 'I'm not keeping you here; you're an adult, if you're not happy in a relationship with me there's the door. If you want us to continue sharing the flat/house be aware that it will be on a roommates basis. I will not be cooking cleaning etc for you.'

I will also say I'm in my late 40's; I have only once seen a man leave in this manner where there wasn't another wo/man. I've seen couple's split amicably and like something off Eastenders; but this quite sudden change and the rewriting of history; the forced into marriage crap, etc , normally turns out to be the story s/he has told the other person and themselves to justify what a horrible thing they've done.

You're going to find the next few weeks very hard if you move back in and he stays. You need to start telling people so you have a support network in real life or if that's to real see if your job has an type of employee support. You might be able to access some counselling through them; just as a safe place to vent.

Evening all

Just because some perfect people wouldn't do what you did garlic, doesn't mean it was wrong. You've acted very well. I don't understand why they think you're actions are so wrong. Ignore their criticism because how can they possibly know how they would act unless they were in that situation...
You're strong and you're doing bloody well.

Oooh, Olivia, you've been promoted

You're far more presidential than Hillary or Donald.

And, garlic, your 'd'H can think very well with you there. Just remember that you are roommates and discuss nothing more personal than the weather. If he can't stand the 'pressure' of you being there, that's his problem. You may very well find, after you've been around him a bit after his announcement, that you're every bit as ready for things to be over as he is.

Frankly, I'd never be able to trust him again and would worry at every stage of our marriage that he'd suddenly announce he 'wasn't happy' or 'was forced' into whatever it is that was happening at the time. Marriages go through many changes, many stages, and many decisions from children to careers to houses to retirement and everything in-between. You want to be sure that your partner is on board and being honest when things need to be decided or done. Not sitting back feeling resentful or being dishonest and just agreeing with things only to decide later that he 'wasn't happy'. I know people change but most of us have at least an idea of what we want in our lives. Enough of an idea to be honest and talk to our partner if we aren't sure or actively don't want something they want!

I meant to say OP; when you look back on this you can be sure that you've been the grown-up, you've already tried harder at this than he has.

Garlicshake not meaning to say that op is or is going to send crazy texts more to just be aware how he may try to twist things. He's being incredibly cruel expecting her to wait 2 weeks and telling her she is going back on her word by trying to discuss it ... Very antagonistic if you ask me it's like he's willing her to get angry by being so unreasonable, just don't want her to give him what he wants... Reasonable level headed arguments which I'm sure she is doing

It's pretty hard keeping level headed in the heat of the moment.

I had to respond to a shitty work email yesterday. I said what felt off the cuff, then I left it and toned it down, then after ten minutes I took my emotions out. After another five minutes I turned it into a tone that was far more mature and levelheaded than the person who had sent it to me.

Don't say anything in rush is good advice. But it's hard. Sometimes you just want to rip someone a new one.

Choices might feel limited but I always try to think I'm not a victim unless I choose it in shitty situations. It's not always true but it helps to think like that

I'm all for people working on their marriage, when there isn't abuse involved, but it takes two to work on a marriage. Garlic was put in an impossible situation by her H saying what he did. As has been said above, if she had stayed to "fight for her marriage", that would have just been confirmation of her "bullying".

But I find it astounding that H came back and cancelled the marriage without having figured out where he would go.

Correct me if I'm wrong but he hasn't said that he wants to separate yet.

Have you listened to the song yet garlic?

Good for you , you are standing up for yourself. How does he think he is.

Ignore the people coming on the thread to be goady.

Hope you are scrolling past the goady comments. I'd stop the texts, it's too easy for him. Technology detaches us. You need to talk IRL. Reply to the next loaded msg with "see you Sunday" and leave it at that.

I struggle to understand why he needs 'space' - to do what, exactly? is it just for effect or something?

He's dropped the bomb shell but it isn't clear whether it was planned over a few days/weeks or random, spur of the moment...

He's got a lot of explaining to do..

If I were you Garlic I would pop over as soon as possible just to see if there is any other reason he doesn't want you there yet.

I've been lurking and I am so sorry you're going through this.

I wanted to ask you if there was any possibility he may have met someone online?

I know someone who thought she was in a solid relationship. Seven years in he suddenly announced it was over. She was totally stunned. It turned out that he'd met someone while gaming. They would 'meet' in the game while my friend was sitting in the same room watching TV! After splitting from my friend he flew off to another country to meet this woman for real, and they're now married.

I just wondered with you mentioning the gaming equipment.

But I also think it is entirely possible there is no one else.

Popping in once again. Firstly, for all of you pps saying she shouldn't have upped and left after the conversation... There were many of us all saying and think that she should perhaps have upped and left before his highness decided when it was time for him to come home and deliver his verdict!
There is no right and wrong in this situation. Emotions take over. If she'd shouted and screamed then that would be wrong, if she begged and pleaded then that would be wrong. If she strung him up by his selfish balls then that would be wrong. Lots of tune changing on here.

Fwiw. I'm glad you are turning a corner and standing up for yourself and taking some control back. Just don't go back with puppy dog eyes. Go set up exactly as you mean to go on. Keep the big fat tv and PlayStation in the room... It can keep you amused of an evening

Get angry, but don't play games. Talk by all means but keep your dignity. Lots of us rooting for you here.

But he definitely sounds like he was planning his new found bachelorhood and you've thrown a spanner in the works. Good! Don't let him beat you. And take that bottle of wine and some lovely fancy snacks with you on Sunday. And don't share! X

Hi all. I'm preparing for a conversation on Sunday and ready to listen to what he has to say.

I've not been a perfect wife, and it's through all this critisim here which has made me take a long look in the mirror to recognise this. His point about not having much of a say is completely valid. I have behaved very selfishly over our marriage with wanting things to be right aka my way. I'm ready for this to be brought up, and it is something I am fully prepared to apologise and make steps to changing this behaviour.

I really don't think he's met someone through the games. He has conversations over the head set so I catch snippets of conversation and it doesn't seem overly friendly.

I listened to the song, on repeat. I love it.

I'm passionate about fixing my marriage, and I am seeing the things more clearly which we can both make improvements on. So I hope he is ready to give it a shot, because now I can see more clearly what's went wrong, then I can make steps to fix it. Unless my husband has issues with our marriage that are beyond fixing, then I don't know what I would do.