Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 18:37

Whilst I understand what he is saying about space - you are not refusing to give him space - his family all live nearby - him having space doesn't mean you have to be the one to leave.

It hasn't worked out at your parents because they strongly disagree with how you have handled it and you can't deal with how they feel right now. End of.

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 18:39

There is so much criticism, and maybe some of it is totally justified. But I was scared and I acted quickly to try and do the best thing for me. I can't take the blame for all of these deep rooted issues that my husband has with our marriage and our life together, because I was completely unaware of anything like this. So for this just to be announced at me one evening when I was already on edge and my mind was all over the place, I maybe didn't act in the best interests for our marriage, I tried to act in the best interest for myself. And I have apologised to my husband for not staying to discuss things, if that was what his plan was, but I was in shock at what was happening.

OP posts:
ButtonsAndBows · 28/04/2016 18:39

"Telling me I agreed to this"

Uff. He agreed for marriage, a baby and backtracked on that , ruining someone's life, and now he's got a huff your not dancing to his tune about giving him space?

Friendlystories · 28/04/2016 18:43

I don't think you are 'going back' on your agreement to give him space actually Garlic. Being under the same roof doesn't mean he doesn't have space to think, especially if you're in separate rooms as planned. Not giving him space would mean being in his face and badgering him for a decision which you have no intention of doing as far as I can see. It's not working out staying with your family so you've come up with a workable solution, don't let him put you on the back foot by accusing you of going back on what you agreed to because you're not, he still has his all important 'space to think'.

Friendlystories · 28/04/2016 18:46

As for the criticism you're getting on here, as always on mn, take what's useful to you from the replies you get on your thread and ignore the rest Flowers

53rdAndBird · 28/04/2016 18:49

Oh, what? No, he can't just drop a bombshell like "by the way, I'm reconsidering everything about our marriage and telling you I never wanted marriage/ttc/whatever anyway", and then expect YOU to be the one who leaves the home and has your life massively disrupted so he can have his 'space'. He wants space, he can go find it himself. This isn't just about him.

On that note: I think you need to know what he understands by giving him space, and what that means for you. Because at the moment it's sounding a bit like "stay in limbo tiptoeing around me until I make a decision, which I'll do on my own timeframe", and that is nowhere near fair on you.

westhammummy · 28/04/2016 18:49

If he feels you're going back on your word to give him space,he can totally go somewhere else,it hasn't worked out being at your parents place and you have every right to go back home.

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 18:50

Don't be so hard on yourself Garlic, all any of us can do is what feels right at the time, and if you had stuck it out and continued even after he had said he needed space then you would have been criticised for that.

Daffolill · 28/04/2016 18:50

This is a fast moving thread so it's hard for you to read each post but you need to get angry. He is having everything his own way at the moment.

I would go home tonight and if he still needs space he can go somewhere else to get it.

Can I ask if you were happy in your marriage? Properly in love or just plodding along? Me and my dh went through rocky patches including ttc and fertility treatment, we argued, left and came back again. Not once was I as calm as you. Not saying I'm right or you're wrong btw, there just seems no passion here.

Itisbetternow · 28/04/2016 18:52

You are doing well.
Go back you your flat asap.
Regarding mortgage - if he moves out you can get a lodger to help pay it - your flat sounds ideal for lodgers.

Dispite what a lot of posters are saying I think he has moved on. He moved on last week. I bet he couldn't believe his luck when you left. I would tell him that you are moving back in Friday. Good luck.

NotQuiteJustYet · 28/04/2016 18:58

Keep standing firm, it's your home too and you're being perfectly accommodating in moving into another room for him if he plans to stay too. H is being a tool if he thinks that 'space' involves you living somewhere else hanging on for a call or text telling you when you're allowed to come back to your own house.

He might be mad at you for changing the goal posts on 'space' but that doesn't come close to the goal posts he's just moved with regard to the marriage and your future together - so fuck him and his huff.

In relation to the criticism you're getting with how quickly you left, did I read a different thread from these people?! I read someone who's husband had changed personality almost in the space of a week, started acting like he hated her, treating her with complete disregard - and you wonder why she went to stay with her parents after her husband drops the bombshell that he felt railroaded into marrying her. I'd have done the exact same thing as Garlic, partly because H requested space and partly to give me time to lick my wounds and recover from the shock.

Not everyone can face up to having it out then and there when something absolutely massive happens, some people like to give both parties time to consider their feelings. She's states about 100x now she's prepared to fight for this marriage BUT she's also preparing herself incase H turns round and decides that actually he just can't be bothered afterall - no shame in being proactive.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/04/2016 19:01

To all those people saying to garlic that she should have stayed and talked it out with her husband on that first evening, rather than packing and leaving - do you know how hard it can be to talk to someone who has made up their mind, dropped a HUGE bombshell on your head, and then decided they need 'space'? I get the feeling (based on my own personal experience) that she could have sat there and tried talking to him all night and she would have got nothing but stonewalling, repetition and then anger.

You can lead a horse to water, and all that, but you cannot make a husband talk to you, and if you are emotional and devastated, sometimes it really is better to just get out and get some space, rather than let the marriage detonate around you.

CoolforKittyCats · 28/04/2016 19:02

if he moves out you can get a lodger to help pay it - your flat sounds ideal for lodgers.

Not that simple. If they do split I imagine it would be 50/50 and OP will either need to buy him out or vise versa.

AgathaF · 28/04/2016 19:03

What itisbetter said re lodger to help with bills. You just need for him to tell you officially that he's left, really, and I suppose he also needs to agree to a lodger too, given that it's his house as well.

If not, will you put the flat on the market? Do they sell quickly in your area?

A4Document · 28/04/2016 19:05

I agree Zaphodsotherhead. You can't make someone talk if they don't want to.

DaveCamoron · 28/04/2016 19:10

Stop posting on Mumsnet and talk to him.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 28/04/2016 19:13

Garlic please ignore the criticism. It really annoys me on here when people totally assume they know everything. We don't.

Personally, if I were you. I'd be going back tonight. If he wants space give him space..He can leave..Why should you be the one to leave. Why should you not be allowed a bit of space. He really is enjoying this isn't he. Getting his buddy's round for a drinks and games etc.

Also, he's your husband. Would he REALLY of needed to get keys off his sister to go to his mum's just whilst you picked stuff up (unless he imagined you were taking it ALL) why could he not of just been there. Why could he not of went a walk or to a cafe or pub. Why could you not of went on Friday to get stuff because he had guys coming round Saturday Hmm

Sounds like he agreed to it. Got angry his peace was going to be disturbed and back tracked. He's being a total dick. I can't imagine how you two having weeks apart. without talking or texts to see how each other are is going to make you get back together and get things back on track. It's quite simple surely you either want to be with someone or you don't. What takes weeks to decide.

LindyHemming · 28/04/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Labradorlover01 · 28/04/2016 19:19

Whatever you do keep calm, think about your responses to texts. You need to be firm about your points but don't get petty, keep the higher ground. Calmly explain your points of view don't give him excuses to cut of the conversation. You both do need to speak but whatever the outcome you stay together or you don't , please don't give him the pleasure of taking advantage of you when you are emotional and down and being able to tell others see these crazy texts this is why I wanted to leave etc please keep dignified and your head up high. Again Firm responses expecting a fair response from him considering what he's putting you through but not too angry ... Hard when he is being rather cold but you'll be thankful looking back if you keep your calm ...

GarlicShake · 28/04/2016 19:33

I agree with Exasperated, he obviously was thinking he'd go to stay with his sister and then changed his mind. Turns out he's good at changing his mind!

You're doing brilliantly, garlic. I admire you.

She doesn't seem in any danger of sending 'crazy' texts, Labrador.
Moistly, do you not feel it's rather odd to veer between accusing the OP of being a troll and offering her cheesy advice?

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 19:50

Step away from the texts!

"He is angry that I am going back on what I said about giving him space and telling me how I agreed to this. "

So he clearly thinks that when he's turned your world upside down YOU should have the further hassle of staying elsewhere and leaving him to enjoy his batchelor pad and "space". Cheeky, arrogant fucker!

Moistly · 28/04/2016 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 19:53

Don't bother seeking to talk. Bet you he will just come out with the script, and say (that by having the temerity to want to discuss matters of great importance to you) you're "pressuring" him and not giving him what he "needs".

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 19:54

Moistly, stop troll hunting and being a goady fucker.