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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
ShatterResistant · 28/04/2016 17:51

Yes, moistly put it better than me!

Moistly · 28/04/2016 17:57

Well put the time you're putting into mumsnet, into speaking to your husband and sorting this whole mess out. It may well be painful, but you'll find freedom on the other side.

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2016 18:00

Well put the time you're putting into mumsnet, into speaking to your husband

You missed the part where he wasn't ready to talk yet because he needed 'space'?

WannaBe · 28/04/2016 18:01

I would also say that parents often have opinions and views and will voice them because they're parents. Sometimes we don't like what they have to say, but sometimes we can listen and take something from what they've said. And sometimes we may look back in retrospect and see what they were trying to say at the time.

Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they have to blindly agree with whatever their child does and never challenge it.

If my child came home at 25 And announced that their marriage was essentially over and they'd left after a five minute chat and we're going to put their childhood room back to the way it was I'd be somewhat Hmm

Being supportive doesn't mean someone has to entirely agree with what that person they are supporting has done or that they're not allowed a view, especially when the actions of the child impact on them directly as well.

And I do agree with PP here. While I think you should go back now not wait around, this isn't just because there may be an OW at the flat, but if there isn't and he isn't seeing someone else, it strikes me that both of you are essentially waiting for the other to do something. So he's said Sunday, you're waiting until Sunday. And no real communication is happening here. It all seems incredibly impulsive and not actually thought through at all on either side.

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 18:01

Moistly, but he is the one who has complained that he has been 'talked into marriage and children', the OP is trying to respect his request for space to think by himself.

Moistly · 28/04/2016 18:04

If he truly needed space he wouldn't be sat chilling out in their flat getting his mates round for a few drinks etc, dictating when is best for Op to come round. He'd have been the one to leave.

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 18:06

It didn't get that far in their first conversation, Maybe he plans on discussing it with his mates, idk.

WannaBe · 28/04/2016 18:07

And while people here are saying "how dare the parents, or brother get in touch with this man when OP has asked them not to?" Let's bear in mind here that nobody as yet knows what the outcome of this is likely to be. Let's say that the parents refuse to talk to him because OP has asked them not to, and has told them how he has gone cold and the relationship is over because he wants space, even though it is actually the OP who initiated the discussion and moved out back to her childhood room within five minutes of the revelation of unhappiness. And let's say that the OP goes back, they realise it was all just heat of the moment talk on both sides, that there are issues but with thoughts and time these can be resolved, and the OP then goes back to the family who she has told not to speak to her H and then says "ah, it's all ok now, h can be welcomed back into the fold." It's far better that family etc stay on the outside until things are truly resolved. Especially in situations like this one where it's essentially all happening at the click of fingers.

Moistly · 28/04/2016 18:08

There's just not enough dialogue going on between the two. He talks to his mates, she talks to mumsnet.

hesterton · 28/04/2016 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brightside65 · 28/04/2016 18:12

You're doing amazingly!

You're better than me as I would be back demanding answers. He doesn't need space he needs to start explaining X

hesterton · 28/04/2016 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkPinkStink · 28/04/2016 18:14

I agree with: I'd be going back unexpectedly while he's at work too. And combing the flat for evidence of a woman.

It's your flat, you can come and go as you wish. I don't suggest you go around smelling his boxers, but there's no reason you shouldn't be in your own home.

He is making this your problem - it's his problem.
He is stamping his authority - you have equal authority.
He is acting like a stranger - so treat him like one, you can't guess what he will or won't be doing, because you no longer know him.

Do not allow him to make you feel a fool!

From your old thread - you said you'd never lived alone - take it from me, there is nothing as empowering as being completely self sufficient. In my 20s I lived in flat shares and on my own, and I look back at those years as the years that I learned the most about myself and my ability to cope with the world on my own terms.

I'll say it again... Do not allow him to make you feel a fool!

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2016 18:15

Disagree, Moistly. I know any number of men who, if they were in OP's 'd'H's position, would be only too happy to stay put and start living 'la vida single' whilst their wives (and children) vacated the home. I'd say most men (or women) would be likely to stay if their spouse volunteered to leave, even if they were the ones to say they were 'unhappy'. Thinking back, most of the men I know who have 'kindly volunteered' to leave have ended up having an OW waiting for them.

WannaBe · 28/04/2016 18:16

And what would the response be if a poster here posted "I'm unhappy in my marriage and have been for a long time. It just feels as if my H does things and I find it impossible to say no because this is what he wants, and when he has his heart set on something it's very difficult to convince him otherwise. So tonight I came home and told him how unhappy I was. He'd already packed a bag, said none of it was his fault and left within five minutes." Posters would be telling the OP that he was weak, that he'd already checked out of the marriage by the sounds and for her not to contact him.

Yet the opposite happens here and people think the H should be begging her to come back or wanting to talk to her?

And actually, if the H then texted a couple of days later to say he wanted to come back posters would be telling her to tell him no. He was the one who had left, so he doesn't get to dictate when, or even if, he comes back.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/04/2016 18:21

I know the friends he is seeing on Saturday, and they know me well. So I can't imagine that he is going to be getting a whole one sided, 'aww you don't need her' kind of speech and filling his head with the perfect bachelor life with new women and lots of sex. These are both men who are settled with long term partners, and one has a child. So hopefully my husband can get some thoughts sorted on Saturday with their support

Don't imagine that you can rely on your h's friends to fight your corner as it very much sounds as if his mind is made up. If this is the case, it's highly unlikely that anyone will be able to change it and, unless they want to risk the cooling or ending of their friendship, his pals will no doubt align their opinions with his and maintain that ending the marriage is 'for the best' or some such platitude.

Regardless of whatever communication you may have had with your h to the contrary, you're entitled to change your mind and return to the marital home whenever you wish and I would advise you to go home tonight before your h finds further reason to dissuade you.

With regard to finances you don't need to have any plan in place at the present time and if he should propose a change from the status quo simply say that you'll consult a solicitor and get back to him.

What is important is that you stamp your authority over that which he's trying to wield and, as I see it, the most effective way of doing this is to take the fucker by surprise and return to your home tonight or first thing in the morning. You can go out for the evening tomorrow while he entertains his friends, or tell him to entertain them in a pub.

Iamdobby63 · 28/04/2016 18:23

I think when he is not living in his own home he may be more willing to talk and bring this to its conclusion. But at the moment he thought she needed to simply collect some stuff on Sunday so then he was making great efforts to avoid her.

FlyingElbows · 28/04/2016 18:24

The Op isn't respecting his request for space, she was packed and ready to go before he even drew breath! Op, in the nicest way possible, you read like a freight train. You've said you're "motivated" and you "get things done" but do you achieve that by just steam rollering your way through everyone else? I get that you're disorientated by your current situation but for your own sake slow down and breathe. You're ploughing on through without even considering the need to talk to each other like grown ups. You might need third party help to do that but I can see why your dad's pissed off. Ofcourse your parents have your back but you've gone from nought to flat out just expecting everyone to fall in line behind you. I expect a large part of that is panic and adrenaline though.

Get yourself back home and tell your sulking man child to talk to you or leave. But you have to be prepared to listen. Really listen. Shut up and listen. He's a human being with feelings not an accessory who exists to meet your needs. Mn can be very guilty of dismissing men as people too and some posters, albeit with the very best of intention, project their shit all over other posters in vulnerable situations.

Moistly · 28/04/2016 18:24

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cally0 · 28/04/2016 18:25

Can't believe he is put out that you are returning to your own home!!! How dare he! He is being an arse.

Your parents will now think differently knowing that he doesn't want you to return home. This will make them realise it's more than a 'tiff'.

He makes out like you're inconveniencing him! He is the one who created all of this. It's his bed and he should lie in it!!

Grr I am so angry for you

Rosyglow74 · 28/04/2016 18:25

Garlic, despite the criticism - unnecessarily harsh in my opinion - you have received, you and your family have acted as most people do when they are hit with something like this. Reactions are all just knee jerk initially, and it takes time to get everything in perspective. However, it sounds as if you are now getting on top of it, and asserting yourself. Seeing this, your family will hopefully calm down, and give you the kind of support you need right now.

Concentrate on getting settled back into your home, making it quite clear that that's where you are staying. Reiterate what you have already said, that you are prepared to work for your marriage, in any way you can, but that you will not roll over and be treated badly. Stress that you want - no you need - the truth from your husband, and will then make your own decisions regarding your future.

I think you have behaved well - too well maybe - thus far, but now look for those big girl pants, and show em all what you're made of!

BigApple11 · 28/04/2016 18:26

Go home OP! It's your house too!! Buy yourself some flowers, walk in with your head held high and put them in your best vase. If he asks about them, say you've bought them yourself because you've had such a shit week FlowersFlowersFlowers

Moistly · 28/04/2016 18:26

Agree with FlyingElbows.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 18:29

Makes me sound very uncaring wanna. I was devastated when he told me, I was in no position to have a conversation with him! I didn't calmly announce I was leaving and just leave. No. And I texted him that night. I told him I was going to work on the marriage. We made a plan for him to have his space.

From his actions now, it was clear he wasn't going to go anywhere. If he still hasn't told his family, he wouldn't have been volunteering to leave the flat as he wouldn't have wanted them to know.

I'm currently involved in a text discussion with him. He is snubbing off attempts for us to have a conversation. He is angry that I am going back on what I said about giving him space and telling me how I agreed to this. So he has a point there.
But anyway, I asked if there was someone else, he said there wasnt. I asked whether he thinks we can fix this, he said he needs time to think blah blah blah. It's all a big mess. But we are talking on Sunday, maybe our first compromise?

OP posts:
ButtonsAndBows · 28/04/2016 18:36

I've been following this and I'm sorry to hear about it but am I missing something ?
He seems unfazed you have left and now pissed you want to return and interrupt his "space"??! Sounds like he wanted you out of the picture to be honest. I'd be back in my home asap and if he wants "space" he can go and play station with friend a and friend b without having you stay out of your own home . Geez I'm kinda pissed off for you