Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

You do what feels right to you. Just remember that you do have the option to change your mind. If he doesn't follow through on what he's promised, that releases you from any promises you've made to him.

Thank you both.
I hope this all gets sorted soon and I can just start to plan for the next stage of life.

I'm planning to do a 100mile week long hike/walk early next summer. So going to start training for it soon, and investigating equipment, routes, camping etc. Adding things to my bucket list! Another thing to look forward too. And Rick is taking me away next weekend to celebrate my birthday (which is this weekend but he is away already on another break). He is the nicest guy ever. He's wanting to plan everything to surprise me, so we'll see how things go! I'm trying to hard to not let my inner control freak out and just enjoy the surprises! He is just the most kind and generous man. I am so lucky!

Happy Birthday Garlic!

You have done great though out all this, so glad you have Rick, he is proving to be a good distraction.

Happy Birthday Garlic

I hope your weekend with Rick next weekend is lovely!

Thank you all for the birthday messages.

Ex and his mother both texted to wish me a happy birthday too. I took the opportunity to ask ex about the offer, as I haven't heard anything back from him, he was supposed to feedback to his sister and never got back to me, surprise surprise.

He's responded that no they will not give me what I have asked for. They think the lower offer is fair, and I said that I felt it wasn't (only a difference of £750). Hes replied that he is willing to compromise, and give me another £500. So £250 from what I told him my offer was. I'm annoyed that he's potentially held on to this information for a few days (last spoke on Wednesday) and that he's ignored what I last told him. I said that the offer I made was what I wanted, and if there was to be negotiations then he was to tell me and I was to instruct a solicitor to go through them. I feel like I don't want to back down on this, and I should just still go through and get a solicitor to deal with it all (even though that will end up with me being a lot worse off than if I just accepted the £250 lower offer).

I understand what you are saying and agree BUT I think my advice would be to just take the money and run as it were.

It can get really shitty once solicitors are involved and there is no guarantee that you would end up with the extra £250 and of course it would cost you a lot more to argue about it.

The stress and head fuck of it all is also something that cannot be measured financially.

You have a lovely Rick, a great future and some money coming to your pocket, be the bigger person and run with it. Don't give him the satisfaction of more communication/arguments. If it is about 'winning' trust me, you have already won.

Belated birthday wishes

Honestly, I'm of two minds. On one hand, the difference is not that much. On the other, it's another instance where you cave in to what he wants.

If you're going to be facing negotiating in the near future, only you know if giving in on this will only make it harder down the line for him to understand that you are not going to let him walk all over you.

I guess if once the flat is done and dusted you never have to deal with him again (this was the situation with my first ex) outside of one court appearance, then I'd be tempted to say 'fine, whatever'. BUT if you are facing more decisions about things that are important to you (pensions, investments, bank accounts, debt, pets, etc) then you may want to be more hard-nosed.

I just want it all sorted. But I feel like I am continually doing the chasing and backing down now. Fair enough if this is the last thing, it's only £250. But then what is the next thing he will be pushing? I am worried that it will be the moving out or the dog. I am still liable for paying half the mortgage. So I will not want to move out if I am paying for the flat. I need assurances from him that this will go smoothly and if I don't get them, then I will need to end up paying for a solicitor to sort all this out for me, because I don't know where to start.

Interesting point Rosie. I think I am leaning towards agreeing with you. For a man who complained that I was controlling him and he didn't know what he wants, he still seems to not know what he wants. His sister will be pulling the strings because I am afraid she is the one holding the moneypot.

I feel this is the beginning of more complications. but wouldn't fig them for £250
However I would tell him the deal was X amount, on X date, & you would move out by X day
The goal posts have moved, the amount isn't the same, in view of constant game playing, you will remain in situ, until the money is in the bank.

fight ...

I'm another one who thinks his sister is now pulling his strings. The money doesn't sound a great deal but it represents a sort of meanness of spirit .... his or hers ? Who knows ? I wouldn't involve solicitors for that amount but I would be equally difficult ( but that's just me ). Don't move out on the original day agreed for example , to get your " money's worth " , or suggest you take something worth £250 from the flat , stereo system or washing machine for example. You've done so well up to now ... don't roll over now.

Hmmm, £250 seems such a small amount and a solicitor will cost more. Can't actually believe he is being so nit picky about it tbh. Are there no solicitors involved as yet? There will need to be and I do think there should be an agreement written up by a solicitor that he pays for, a financial settlement offer, before you do move out.

Just to emphasise, you do need this written up legally or I'm concerned that goal posts will keep moving if it's only a verbal agreement. You need to cover yourself. He is the one making the offer so he should get a solicitor to write it up.

Hope you had a lovely birthday and trip away with Rick!

I'm pretty sure that because you have been married less than 3 years, he is responsible in Scottish law for whatever he has been paying towards the bills, so the longer he drags it out, the longer he has to pay for. My friends Ex H finally made a reasonable agreement once her solicitor reminded him of that.

I think he wants this sorted as soon as possible, as do I.

I think we have managed to reach an agreement, which is good. I'm not wanting this to get messy, I really do just want what's best for us both, and I'm happy with the agreement we've reached.

As long as everything now goes smoothly I'll be okay. I'm trying so hard to limit contact now, because I still have so much sadness that it all ended this way. Every time I see him, I find it so difficult to accept that there's just no going back from this. There shouldn't be much more reason to see him if everything get's all sorted out now and it'll just be about trying to get on with life and finding out about where to go from here.

I'm waiting to hear from his solicitors to do with both the separation and the signing the flat over.

Hang in there garlic. you have done so well with all this enormous emotional upheaval. Good days and bad days. Be kind to yourself.

Mr & Mrs - Call the Mediator. New programme on BBC2 Tuesday at 9. Might be interesting.

Letter from solicitors arrived today.

Started going through everything and getting stuff packed. It's breaking my heart to see all the wedding things in the bin. I had kept all the cards from guests, an invitation, polaroid pictures, the cake topper, my veil, shoes, a favour, a lucky sixpence. No point keeping any of it now. I've held onto the album and my bouquet.

In just over a week I'll be out of my beautiful home and trying to get on with my life. I hope I get my strength back to get through this.

Hang in there, it will feel like the most painful part but as soon as you're through the worst of it, things will slowly start to look up.

Be kind to yourself, have a good cry once you're alone and don't feel bad about needing people around you, everyone else should be looking after you right now.

The only thing that kept me going was looking forward to the future and being thankful it ended sooner rather later (and messier).

Hey Garlic I suddenly thought of you (sorry if that's a bit sad) how are things? Are you getting anywhere?

Hello all.

Well, I moved out. After Brexit, he didn't feel secure in purchasing the flat as he felt it was too much of a risk, so it's now on the market and so still no closure. I'm trying to distance my feeling for everything on the matter for my own sanity. I'm trying to salvage a new life for me now living with my parents (it's so far from ideal) and getting back a social life and just finding out where this leaves me now. I am having very little contact with my ex now. I am now contributing half towards the mortgage as I was not confident that he would still allow me to maintain my equal entitlement to the flat when it does sell, I think he would argue that I paid nothing to it so shouldn't be entitled to half.

There are still good days and bad days. Things are still going wonderfully with Rick, perhaps too wonderfully (?). I'm happy when living in the moment, but during quieter times, I fear that this is going to happen to me all over again. That I'll invest too much into a relationship, miss all the signs it's failing, and be left trying to pick up the pieces of my life at the end of it after everything is dropped on me like a tonne of bricks. It's still such early days in terms of a relationship, and I am trying not to be swept up in it all and just see how things go and have fun.

Thank you for thinking of me purple, I'm still here and still doing okay. Not great. But doing okay..

Sorry to hear the road has got bumpier garlic, I guess it all is part of the natural process of working things through emotionally. If Rick is meant to be you will know it! Until then just enjoy it - he seems to be a positive influence after all the rubbish with soon to be ExH. Bloody Brexit. Maybe he would have stalled and it would have taken it's time the other way so selling up is a clean break anyway. Not much you can do about it anyway I guess. Here's to a quick house sale, clean break and a decent honest bloke to make a future with.