Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

My parents are doing much better now thankfully. Full of utter hatred for my ex, but doing their best to support me.

I attended my appointment today, alone. I did remind my ex, and he made a comment about working, so I told him that it was fine that I could go alone. Was really tough going myself, as last time I went I was so full of hope and still living in a happily married world.
My results came back quite positive actually. The bloods didn't show up anything too worrying (just that I am not immune against rubella, which they will refer back to my gp). I was then told that as my ex wasn't with me, they couldn't tell me much about his results although this did flag up an issue which would involve looking at retrieval. At this point I told the doctor that we had split up so wouldn't be continuing with this. She said there was no reason to suspect I wouldn't be able to conceive naturally in the future. So that's a mega plus.

I feel bad for my ex though actually. I didn't really go into too many of our fertility issues on this board, but everything was pointing at me. After I came off the pill, my cycle never regulated and I wasn't ovulating. In the recent months, this seems to have sorted itself out and I am much more regular. I've passed onto my ex that there is an issue with him, but he would need to discuss this with them directly as they wouldn't tell me much more.

Glad it was positive for the future Garlic, the whole thing must be emotional for you though, hope you're ok. I've had a sneaking suspicion all along that you will end up the happier and more fulfilled of the two of you though, it says a lot about you that you feel sad for him after everything that's happened. Try and do something nice for yourself this evening, even though the news was good overall it's bound to have raked everything up for you

Glad your parents are supportive and I'm really pleased your appointment went well.

So after all the anguish, it may be XH who has a fertility problem ?

Just checking back in garlic I hadn't realised this thread had come alive again. Sorry to hear the bumps in the road but it sounds as though Rick can hold your hand through them. Onwards and upwards you are so right. Good luck!

In the beginning, I most certainly was having issues and wouldn't have been able to conceive without intervention. It really has surprised me that he has an issue too!

I'm still just waiting for life to go back to normal, and wake up from this horrible dream. This was never meant to happen. I need to try to adjust to this new life. It's so strange.

Positive news for my ex. He went to see about a mortgage and he has one in promise (?). So could possibly still end up buying me out, which would be good I think.

Garlic I'm so pleased to see so positive movement and updates from you on here. Funnily enough I was thinking about you earlier on and then stumbled across your thread again.

'Rick' sounds lovely, and just what you need right now. My now DH started out rather like a 'Rick' when I'd just escaped a shitty situation. Sometimes those people turn out to be exactly who we need in our lives.

*some

We've had a few discussions now about his mortgage process and it's still looking positive. He wants me out by the end of the month, which was the agreement before. So three weeks and I'll be back with my parents. Then I think it'll hit me that there's no going back from this.

Things with rick still going well. It's nice to have something to look forward too and he's so kind. I look at my ex, and see how he just had no passion or motivation, whereas I do and I feel now he really limited my possibilities. Rick is so eager to travel, so we're looking at a few trips. I don't think it'll ever progress to a proper relationship, but I could see him becoming a very good friend.

So I'm getting there thanks ladies x

All sounds good But why does he get to say you are out by the end of the month? The paperwork will take longer than that surely ? I would have thought you staying there until it is all agreed and tied up will ensure he keeps playing ball. Once you go and he sees you getting on with your Rick life he may well mess you about - he'll have nothing to lose.

I did tell him that I wasn't happy about leaving to go to my parents for longer than I need to, do would prefer to stay until everything is official. But he got quite nasty at that, and said that if I stay he'll need to charge me rent. Eh. Fuck off. I own the flat too! I told him that whatever the bills are, I'll pay half, and he said I'll need to pay it all. I put my foot down though, said no to that. If it's going to save any hassle, then I might as well just leave earlier. When I move, I'll be taking everything I want. He told me that I'm welcome to keep stuff here until I get my own place, but I don't trust him to be decent now.

I'm worried that if you move out you will lose any bargaining power and he could stall.

Garlic.......don't even think about moving until everything is finalised. That "he wants me out by the end of the month" had me jumping up and down. You are the vendor here...albeit of only half of the property....but vendor just the same. He, as vendee, doesn't call the tune or make demands. Imagine if this was a stranger buying you out, you would probably come to an agreement to suit you both, but you could not be forced out unless - and until - you have legally agreed to leave. See a solicitor as soon as possible.

Keep on "Ricking"!

Planning to see a solicitor as soon as possible!
Just had ex here going through all the figures. And that old chestnut got thrown out again "I paid the deposit (came from his account) and all the mortgage payments, I could be a bastard and you could end up with nothing".

Ended on quite a bitter note as I refused to hug him goodbye. We had fallen into a bit of a trap with always hugging each other, and I enjoyed holding him. So I told him we can't keep doing that and he seemed very put out by it.

I paid the deposit (came from his account) and all the mortgage payments, I could be a bastard and you could end up with nothing"

Wrong again dipstick! Doesn't matter who paid what. The property is in joint names. This guy needs careful watching.....and you need that solicitor ASAP!

He is realising that he is loosing his grip on you that's why he was put out by the lack of hug

He very much knows he's not going to get back with me. But this time it's still very much his choice, although after he asked me today about my love love , I told him again that even if I didn't go out and move on, then it would still have been over, we maybe just wouldn't have known it yet and wasted more time and energy on a failed relationship.

I'm really in two minds. I will go see a solicitor, but I want this sorted. Moving back in with my parents won't be that bad. They are much more supportive now, and I will be able to relax a bit more with the dog as he will have someone around more. Things were difficult initially, but then looking back on my actions then, I had known so early on it was over and was all ready to claim my independence, whereas they all found this as such a shock and wanted me to work it out. They know the details now, and know that it can't be fixed.

My parents have a spare room which they have offered to store my belongings. I also have had an offer of storing some at my brothers house too so I should be okay with not having to pay for any storage facilities. If I'm back staying with my parents, I should be able to save a large portion of my wage every month to go towards a deposit, as well as paying off the car debt. It's going to very much need to be a wait and see how things go with my parents. I have offers of spending time at different friends houses too, as well as rick whos said I'm welcome to stay weekends at his, so it's hopefully not going to be too suffocating.

Keep on Ricking. love it!

So if you move out before the settlement is agreed and paid do you get to charge him rent?

Yes do seek legal advice, not because you want to screw him over but because you want to be sure the settlement is fair. Have you have an up to date valuation of the property?

I have had so much time to think about what I really want now. I don't want the life I was living. I don't want my ex anymore. I just need to make sure that the decisions I make now are going to be what I do want. But even if they aren't, then it's just another thing I live and learn.

I'm planning to move out 3rd July, he expects the mortgage to go through on the 20th. I don't get to charge him rent, as he pays the full mortgage. Since we split, I had been transferring him money every month to now cover for my half. So that will stop when I move out, and he will take over paying all the bills.

We got the flat valued a few weeks ago by an estate agent and had a home report done.

Iamdobby has got a real point - if you've moved out and only your ex has got access to the property that you jointly own, surely you can charge him rent on your half? Even if he's not living it, that's not the point. Let's say I decided to move out of my rented accommodation during the tenancy and into my parent's house - I would still have to pay my landlord the rent. Worth exploring if your ex is going to be a dick about things.

I've been following your thread from the start and honestly you should be so proud. You've come a long way and you're dealing with this so well.