Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

[AlmostFreeMo]

Next Fred...

Well done nearly the end of the day

I completely understand MNHQ posting a warning Mo, so everyone can judge whether they are prepared to donate to an eventual scammer. recently there was a long standing thread that proved to be completely bogus stupid cow
Anyway, people are warned, they make their own choices :o)
re your stbxp, it's another move to prove he has power.... try to sleep, you need to recover strength... & NOT panic.
I could say a lot more, but for now, count the minutes till he FUCKS OFF.... (whoops !)

Thank you Akire, and Olivia,

I hadn't seen the offers of practical help as I having a bit of a problem with the site right now, but that I have seen them I understand where the warning came from.

Im going to post on Techy Stuff to see if anyone can tell me what's going on with me not seeing the last page of a thread till 'later' and me posting and seeing the post sitting there and when I go back even a few moments later its gone.

Thank you.

Hope you are ok Mo?

Rumbling is right - HT will support situation. If you tell school about seeking refuge etc they are another source of help.

Hope you managed to get some sleep.

Good Morning Mo.
You need to think about his motivation for threatening police or S/S ?
because this to me, appears to me to be actions after a visit to a solicitor,

However, yes, your knee jerk reaction should have been "Fine, go ahead"
You know he lives apart for months on end, leaving you fund less, then comes home & starts threats because the kids aren't in bed when he finally comes home from being out all day, having made zero effort with them while he has been home, other than buying a take away?

You need to tell the children. They must not keep on thinking he is a superhero

His threat was yet another attempt at gas lighting: "I'm worried about the state of your mental health and ability to look after the children"

Yes, right, after four months of single parenting on a small budget with no problems other than the ones he's inflicted on us, he's worried about MY mental health?

I should have stayed out later and let him call them. If I go to a refuge today, does anyone know what happens then? If he tries to contact me again and make similar threats? No doubt I can ask when they call but if anyone knows...

I would think the refuge staff see that in a lot of cases and will be able to say what works best. You can always call the police and update them that you are alarmed enough now that you are taking the children to a refuge and he is starting to make accusations about kidnapping and your mental health. This a well known abusers script Mo, they've heard this all before.

And let's face it the main reason he believes you've gone mad is that you're leaving him and refusing to provide very detailed reciepts and cost breakdowns for every expense as if you're his bursar, and magically stock the fridge for him without needing money to do it. All of which you have written evidence of. It's not your mental health that any professional is going to be wondering about, except in how you stood this as long as you did.

Thinking of you. Just keep doing whatever you have to do to keep you and your DCs safe. You're doing brilliantly

Mo, I don't know what happens after you go to a refuge. But I know it is not necessarily local to you, (so what then happens re getting kids to school ?)
Does he/police/SS get a call to say that you have gone?
Clearly they won't tell him an address.
But his logic will be You don't need to go to a refuge, you have a lovely house there.I'm not paying ANYTHING if she has taken my kids & he WILL challenge your mental health, because, in his mind you have no cause to take kids to refuge.
How it moves on from there I don't know. Sorry, hopefully someone will come along & fill you in

Also, if you take the kids to school, he may be there at the gate

This morning he's all acting normally and even has the nerve to comment on the weather. What is he playing at?
At least he's somehow had the decency not to let anything show in front of the kids (whereas previously he has continued to argue in front of them even after me telling him to stop). Ironically now is when if he were doing that the kids might need to see it so they can have some understanding that daddy is not well...but he's refusing to display any distress or anger or confusion---he's continuing his twisted facade of normality and it's very unnerving.

He's here all day today but away tomorrow returning Friday. At least I have that breather. The worst bit is the weekend. Don't know what I'm going to do.
Now that I'm calmer, refuge seems a bit drastic. And maybe we could sit it out until he goes. Unlike last weekend we don't have much planned so harder just to be out of the house.

Btw...he's off to an event tomorrow where we were both invited but I'm clearly not going. He just mentioned this morning taking the kids (without me) out to lunch on Saturday. So those are unspoken acknowledgements of our separation/splitting up. Maybe I should say to him so you've finally got it, now can we talk about the future?

Given how scary and sinister the whole situation has become, I would be very wary of talking to him about the future. He's not going to be reasonable is he.

Better to go through the legal channels. All discussions re the separation to be done via emails.

I wouldn't. It's not like he'll have a rational discussion that'll leave you reassured.

If you want to wreck your own head more then go ahead!

But I'd let shit hot mediator do the talking for you with this guy, tbh.

He's just trying to wrong foot you Mo, keep you on your toes so you don't know whether you are coming or going, you start to doubt yourself and wonder "maybe he's not that bad". Sorry to say it's typical and all part of the "script", as is playing "your mental health" card and threatening to take the children. Keep on the path you are on and get the hell out of there

Yes yes yes...it's all glaringly obvious isn't it.

You are assuming that he is a reasonable person with whom you can talk about financial arrangements, and the children, etc. in a reasonable way.

He isn't. As he has made abundantly clear.

Let the mediator talk to him. Otherwise he'll just try to bully you and make you question your mental health. Which is exactly what he was trying to do yesterday.

By the way, I wouldn't be surprised if he started trying to hide assets or money now that he has realised you are serious. After all, that's always his kneejerk reaction, isn't it? "But my money".

Do you have access to any financial documents?

wow, he really is a master on the abusers scale.
could ou go & visit your parents for the w/e ?

I would still talk to the refuge and get their advice, it may well be by mid afternoon with night coming on you start to feel differently. Not wanting to be dramatic but when an abuser knows you are leaving is the most dangerous time and I think you need professional advice and back up if your instincts start to tell you its time to go.

Please don't worry about schools. Refuges usually have links with schools local to them, schools are used to taking in children who have gone into refuges so they don't need to go daily to the place where the abuser knows where they are. The point is none of you being found by the abuser you have needed to leave.

As Treasonable says, another card in the pack is 'I'll take the children' so when he pulls that one out you just think yup, there that one is and it doesn't upset you. It is just a card. It is very unlikely from what I can see that he would be able to argue for anything more than EOW as the starting point for his contact, and some judges may question that in the light of his involvement with the children and his track record. And going by your description of him he's unlikely to want to take up even that, it will be the principle of controlling the possessions (children), taking away from you and winning that will matter. Family courts have seen that plenty of times too.

Get an a4 diary academic one if possible going back to last September. If you can go back and write a record of things he did on which days. Print the emails out as evidence and staple them in as your evidence.
Note on when he went away posting on Facebook while you were struggling at home with peanuts... Have everything in this diary so you can refer to it. Show your shl. Use your threads to fill it in. Went shopping today money wasn't put on the card. Had to borrow X amount from friend to purchase school uniform. Contacted the police today I'm scared in my own home. He date checked what was in the cupboards. He bough his own takeaway none for the kids. Exactly how much time he has spent with the kids. How often and how long he skypes for. I believe you can go back and see lengths and dates of calls. When you sent forms off, when you told him you were separated. Etc etc

This would be great at having everything together in one place, easy to grab last minute if needed. Also somewhere to put your feelings etc