Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

[AlmostFreeMo]

Next Fred...

Have you any cucumber? Or used tea bags? Both brill for reducing puffy eyes. Cool flannels otherwise.

breathe, this will pass.

Hi Mo
I might Pm you some more personal stuff, I will! When I get time. Which is lacking in my life.

I sometimes fail but I try to be very neutral about their father. Mine are almost 9 and 6. This has been three years now so they are growing into it.

I say things like (when I'm crying) Daddy has hurt my feelings and I feel sad right now. It's nothing you did and I will feel better very soon.
I also tread a fine line with my DS who has (at age 5) intimated he needs (feels responsible) to make me better so I also say things like, it's not your job to be Daddy in this house. You just need to be you. And then generally tickle or nerf guns come out.

DD is older, she's really suffered but counselling has got her to a good point. So I say things like, I'm so glad you had a nice weekend with daddy., without asking what was nice about it.

If ex yells at me, I say it will blow over, but I'm not going to talk to Daddy on the doorstep about this, it's boring stuff about the divorce. I tell her we have to sort out the money. She accepts that.

Now the go between- yes absolutely. I don't talk to him at all. Not at all.

If he texts I don't reply. I don't email. I don't talk. I don't open the door. I don't look at him (just laugh at his new chavvy shoes) (apologies for using the word chavvy)

This is recent because after three years, £4000 in lawyers bills and paperwork he has torn up in front of me, unless I spend £10k more taking his sorry ass to court, ultimately we don't have enough money to be arguing about money. I can't travel this road anymore, I've been reasonable, sensible, non judgemental to the children. We are both highly educated professional but not rich people. I am way way smarter than him and I have excellent parental support.

He can't match my support, he's shacked himself up with a non educated, older, thrice married non working woman. And it's killing me to try to be a 'good girl' sensible, do everything properly. Because it's got me nowhere in three years.

So yes. Find someone. Let them pass messages along and be a go between. You need someone who loves and respects you but can be sensible.
Make no bones about it thAt you are not willing to discuss anything with him about day to day activities and the lawyer will deal with anything outside that.

AND DON'T BUCKLE! He can't bully you if you absolutely do not engage with him.

Get the middle person to only deal in fact.
DC1 needs school shoes. These have been selected at Clarks for £42.
club fees due for DC2 £55 by 2 June.

Will he ask them for receipts? Maybe but they can factually state back they will supply a receipt once payment is made as per usual for the activity.

You still do all the running of proof, statement, research links. Etc. But he isn't poking you with an accusatory stick. You just supply the details for your go between to type into a bullet point list with no emotion.

I finally asked for help after three years. My mum is happy to help.

I suspect that you will soon hear that he ended the relationship because you are lazy/a golddigger/selfish/a bad mother.....etc etc etc

He simply cannot cope with the idea that anyone would leave him, so he will be convincing everyone that he left you because then if they believe and he believes it, then it must be true.

If anyone asks how you are after he has left you, make sure that they know the truth that you left him and why. Dont cover up, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Mo, the older kids already know there is something that has changed.
They will have noticed what happened when their father was home. They will probably be relieved to be given some appropriate explication.

I think I would be trying to find a way of moving in the summer while the children are on summer holiday. New start, new term, new life.
staying in that house will only give him some sort of power to play mind games

A long time lurker here No, deleting to offer support. I think you do need to say something to your older dcs soon. They may be imagining all sorts and may be relieved by the facts.

I'd say what RandomMess said ^^ and add "Daddy is very unkind to me, and it makes me very sad. When someone is very mean all the time, it can be the right thing to do to not be friends any more, and that is what will be happening, but there are lots of boring grown up things to be sorted out first. Don't worry about asking questions, you can ask me whatever you like, but I don't always know the answer." Something along those lines.

Get things moving. It's not doing any of you any favours living in Limbo like this, just waiting on him. Ask your solicitor to put time limits on everything - if we do not hear from you by x date we shall assume such and such and act accordingly - that sort of thing.

I think they know you are happier when he is away, and they get to do things on less stressful manner. It's hard between saying he's mean with money - something he deny and argue about or saying Daddy wants to live a certain way and only spend money at X shop and mummy wants to be able to choose things.

Think it's important whatever you say has semblance of truth so when they are older you can have deeper conversations. He's going to be controlling and money obsessed for the rest of his life so not like it's going be revelation to kids one day.

Maybe you could talk to oldest Nd say how would he feel about Daddy not living here with them but on days he will have them they will spend time together. Unlike him being there but not engaging at moment.

Hope whatever you had going on today goes well x

Don't tell him he's handing you evidence on a plate! Just file every single one of those emails with your shl and let him hang himself.

He's replied to the mediator again and has basically just said that he's considering it. So in other words he's stalling, won't commit either way, which delays things for me and keeps him in control. She says there is nothing she can do as he hadn't outright said no, so all she can do is just keep an eye on it and keep reminding him. But I can at least press him now to get a date in the diary with her. If he refuses to do that, then that's as good as a no I imagine, so he'll have to tread carefully. I'm pretty sure he won't realise what the true consequences are if he actually does say no.

I don't believe he's considering anything for a single second. All he's thinking about is how he can protect his assets and that's it. Nasty, nasty piece of work.

And I will tell my older ones tonight. I owe it to them. So I suppose I'll have to tell him too that they know.

How long can he say he's thinking about it for ? Can she give him a deadline?

I don't know if she can give a deadline, but once he's back in the UK permanently, he can't make any more excuses. She said face to face mediation is the best option, and not ideal to do it by phone or Skype so she would prefer to wait until he's here anyway, even though she knows it's torture for me to have to wait that long. However she said he diary is filling up anyway, and we need to get a date sorted.

I presume though you can if you wish ask for that mediation where you're in separate rooms? Shuttle mediation, is that what it's called? If your nerves aren't up to it.

When is it he's coming back permanently? I know its this summer isn't it? Does that mean you two will be sharing a house again?

It's all about the power play games with him, all the time. All about keeping the control and the feeling he gets from knowing everyone is following him around begging for whatever it is he holds that they need.

You may want to mention specifically to the mediator that he has a lot of form for this, it's consistent behaviour he uses to meet his needs and her indulging it/waiting/letting him have the control by making people repeatedly ask and remind and acknowledge everything happens to his time, on his say so, to his agenda - is actually reinforcing his abuse of you via mediation and letting him establish he is the boss of you and the boss of her too.

So he needs a neutral deadline to respond by, and then she needs to state that he preferred to game play rather than engage, and move on with the process.

^ this. Exactly this.

Possibly why mediation is often contra-indicated in abuse situations.

I think give a week or so to consider having mediation when he's back in the uk is hardly stretching him. If he decides the day he flies back then she may have months waiting list by then.

You are basically asking him to try meditation either it's a No- we will sort all by ourselfs- or a yes. He's refusing to do anything that could be considered dirting it out ourselves so default answer is no. He's already had 3weeks or so is saving the best possible relationship and care of his children really such a difficult choice?

He's a shit bag it may take months longer than you hoped but you will get there. Be prepared for a sudden change in his fortunes!

What is the purpose of the mediation?
To sort out what happens with the house and maintenance etc?

You can have your proposals all ready to just agree or discuss before then. Otherwise he'll use it as a way of endlessly nitpicking everything at each meeting, you won't get anywhere, he will make sure of that

I don't know the reason a mediator is even necessary, you can't even get a payment for a school jumper, who would criticise you for skipping this?

Everything for the sale of the house could be in motion - even a sale by the time he returns. You could get everything else in motion regardless couldn't you?

Mediation in our case is not about mending our relationship, but purely to do with finances/house/children arrangements.

I've just emailed the mediator again with some of those concerns. As mentioned, to me, him saying he'll think about it is just a tactic and he can't be allowed to keep stalling. So I've asked her about deadlines or what the next step should be. I'm terrified he'll return to the house and continue his tirade of abuse.

Mediation is voluntary though, and she can't threaten him or force him to do anything! Hopefully though she is experienced and intelligent enough to know what to do in this sort of situation, I'm sure it's not the first time.

Elspeth: she mentioned shuttle mediation as a possibility but didn't recommend it. She said there is a far higher chance of sorting anything out face to face in the same room. I'm fine with that with her in the room.

And also: there is no way I'm going to him to beg him to agree a date for when he gets back. He'd just get off on it, as with everything else he makes me beg for.
Or perhaps, I could be clever about how I word it? I could say mediator has this date or that date available. Which one suits? And if he refuses...bingo? I don't know.
Isn't he so fucking big and clever.

Can't the mediator email him to say X date or Y date? He'll just mess you around.

I would think setting appts is part of her job so delegate!

Yes good idea Elspeth. That is her job.

Don't tell him he's handing you evidence on a plate! Just file every single one of those emails with your shl and

That's sounds great in theory but it's not going to put food on the table now.

Surely the mediator just needs to say very well, you can have some time to consider things but ultimately I need a yes or no that you are prepared to try mediation.
There is only one way to answer that. I hope she's firm enough with him.

Thing is, I tried mediation with fuckwitEx
We would spend hours going through the figures, arrangements for child access, etc. Get it all written out

I would comply. He didn't think it really applied to him. So I had to stop it as it was a waste of time and energy. It was just a little game to play for him I think

How disheartening Dolly. I thought once it was written out it was then passed to the solicitor to make it a binding agreement? How did he escape that?