Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

[AlmostFreeMo]

Next Fred...

No way I'm going to acknowledge it.

Gosh no! Don't mention it, even if you have cause to contact him about something else. Just spend it.

Lovely day isn't it? DH is gigging so we've had a simple lunch, and dd is settled down with AS work. Exam coming up. She's on study leave now, YAY!!!!!

One thing is for sure: I'm having a 'mega' shop tomorrow (i.e. a normal one).

Yes Boaty what a lovely day and weekend. I wouldn't complain if every weekend was like this one!

You can take herbal depression meds Saint johns wort is very good I take myself from time to time found really helps (happy send you some from stash!)

If you're thinking about taking SJW then speak to you doctor about it first.

It's actually banned in France and can interact with common meds such as the pill. It can also give some terrible side effects so just check with your doctor first.

Great you've had a good day. Remember it, so that if things become hard, you can look back.

I'd probably ask the mediator if you should acknowledge. If you don't, he ćould claim either

Šhe is so useless with money she doesn't even know what comes in or out

Or

She doesn't even ask why more has come in. She is unreasonable. And unpleasant. I'm the good guy round here.

Orlanda, if the money actually came into my account like it's supposed to, like CM, he might have a point. But this is different, I can't check the balance online or whenever I want, it's only when I'm physically in the store so it's not easy for me to keep tabs on it (other than being able to spend the whole amount in one go and pay the rest on debit card because it's simply not enough).
I'll never forget the solicitor shaking her head when I told her about this card and saying no no no, he needs to pay the cash into your account for you to use as you see fit.

Sing! Put on some music and dance about singing! I'm serious. Research has found that singing makes you happy - that's a massive over-simplification, but hey. Anyway, do sing. DD and I used to have whole sung conversations with each other, just for a laugh. We'd pretend we were in an opera and sing at each other about what to eat, or whether the weather was nice. It was all very silly, but fun. Cheerful. Got me through some seriously miserable times.

Boaty, I love singing very badly! In the car usually. We do that silly singing ordinary sentences thing over dinner or whatever...it does make you giggle

Ah, fair enough...

I'll now imagine you singing down to a telephone answering machine

" I note" insert coloratura trills " additional funding on card. "(Chest voice) please advise"( normal voice)" rationale."

You've got the start of a great modern opera there, Orlanda I'll keep an eye on The Colosseum!

So I've had my highs, the weekend and the start of this week. Cue Thursday and I can just feel the wave of anger and misery crashing all over me. Sometimes I get so angry I can barely breathe and other times, when I'm feeling fine, I need to actually remind myself what an arse he is by re-reading emails/these threads/messages because I simply can't believe someone could really behave like that, much less the man I chose to have children with.
I keep getting flashbacks of past incidents that I let pass at the time, or that I didn't even think much of - but now they are great big clangers and I still can't believe I was that stupid to tolerate selfish act after selfish act. They are like bullets, one after the other, and I was too wounded to see them for what they were.
Just feeling terrible frustration.
And where else to vent.

It's ok Mo.
and I know exactly how you feel. I often feel angry at myself for not seeing what was under my nose, cross I made so many allowances for so long.

And then I look at my children and want to protect them from everything about him. And then hatred washes again. And so on and so on.

It's a long old battle of feelings. Don't be hard on yourself.

One day. One day it will be over.

I wonder if I'll ever get over these feelings. They will haunt me forever!
I get so angry whenever I have to teach my kids about the importance of sharing (i.e. on a daily basis as it is with little ones) when their own father doesn't know the meaning.

No they won't haunt you forever. This is really the worst part, in a year maybe, you won't be looking back constantly.
Sorry to hear you are blaming yourself, please don't.
Think of it like a sickness, some have it, others don't, no one chooses to be sick, or be with someone who becomes sick
Its more or less the luck of the draw. You know how charming he can be, There is nothing more normal than falling under his spell.
You are waking up to reality. KOKO MO !

Hi again Mo, I can totally identify with what you have described. It's almost like their behaviour is so selfish and unreasonable that it must be a joke, or something that, if you agree to it they'll be in your debt, or so grateful things will be good for a while. In reality they just carry on doing the selfish & unreasonable and it becomes the norm. I'm not intending to lose sleep over it, however. What's done is done, I'm looking to the future. A wise friend who left an EA marriage said he was pleased he'd lived through it because it had produced his 2 lovely DDs. I'm adopting that attitude and realise how adversely DH's opinions of our DSs have affected my opinions of them in the past. I now choose to emphasise the positives (there are many, they're basically good kids) and, if not eliminate the negatives, at least keep them in proportion. DH had a habit of focussing only on their faults. Onwards and upwards!

Hi Cheapskate...apologies I haven't got back to you yet.
Of course I'm the same as you and your friend, when I think about my DC. They are and always have been my top, top priority. They are what keep me going. I want to be positive for them too and they keep me balanced, so thank god for them.

I've also been thinking about depression, since the D word was mentioned last week at the doctor's. I wonder if I've had it for a longer time than I realised, but didn't know what it was, caused almost exclusively by him. The feeling I had today, that was familiar, of not having a single desire to do anything productive, a feeling of emptiness and helplessness. I wonder. It's never been frequent - more now than ever - but I think that arse has kept me from being me for a bloody long time.

Yup, he has, part deliberately, part sub consciously because that's who he is.

Turn your anger outside. Not inside at you. Here are some things that could help. They all come from therapists.

Write you rage down. Then,

Crumple it up, throw it as hard as you can in the bin. If it doesn't go in, throw until it does. If you don't feel any better at all, take it out and re throw. Repeat. And repeat.

Write it down, and then burn. See it turn to ash. Put ash on garden

Write the key words down. Now, with an appropriately coloured pencil, scribble over them as hard as you can. Get rid of as above.

Write the key words down, or more. Put in an envelope. Put in a drawer, bottom of a chest. Close it. It's over.

Weed or dig the garden . Every weed removed, or inch cleared represents something you will never have to go through again.

Get hold of some bulbs and some brown labels with ties. Write the things you want to get out if your system on the labels. Attach them to the bulbs. Dig deep ish holes. Plant the bulbs. Fill in with earth. Nòw stamp HARD on the earth to cover the bulb. Thus will good come from evil. You can also do this with things you hope for. And the DCs might enjòy it too.

Don't forget, Mo, that you've been powered by adrenaline. You'll get the let down now. And your immune system may let colds in. So stock up in your vit c, your vit d, the chocolate, exercise, liquid, rest.

I like some of those techniques. Except the garden related ones. My garden, which l'd normally be all over at this time of year, I can't bring myself to touch, because gardening and planting is all about the future and I can't bear to plant anything because I'm probably not going to be here to see it and enjoy it so it makes me depressed.
Sorry, didn't mean to sound so bleak! Gardening is such good therapy too though, but I can't do anything apart from a bit of weeding. I miss looking after and planning my garden so much.

Ok, weed with demonic energy: groundsel is him. Dandelions are meanness, long tap roots. Nettles... Can you afford / do you have a couple of plastic pots? And plant bulbs in those, with good vibes? Then they would be transportable.. If you live anywhere near me I can hand you on a couple..

Hi Mo, nice to see you. It'll be an emotional roller coaster for a while, but then it'll all balance, and you'll be OK. You can ride the emotional waves, you're strong enough; just hold on to the thought that this will be over and you will be able to lead the happy life you deserve.

Of course, Orlanda, I hadn't thought about putting things in pots. I'm so used to thinking of the garden as a permanent thing,that's a great idea. I have some bulbs and seeds about the place, thank you

But also Mo, if you enjoy gardening, remember what makes you happy & takes your mind off P, is good for you, & incidentally, if you sell the house, & the garden is looking good, it will sell for easier & for more , therefore, you are in a way, gardening for you too.

I know Mix but it's hard to do up a garden to sell a house you don't really want to sell. There's no real positive way to look at it for me. But I get what you're saying.

P is being a prat again. We have about five emails on the go, all about expenses. I think my next one will be kitkats after school, 60p each, pls transfer £1.80
The time wasted back and forth questioning every little thing is absurd. He just made a transfer for an amount and 3p, I'm not joking. Imagine if I got my hands on the rounded up figure, what I'd do with it.

Hi Mo sorry you feeling rubbish. Don't be hard on yourself, he's had his claws into you for so long but it was a slow slow process. If he been miserable bastard from day one you would have run a mile. You listened to the feelings things were not quite right even when you wernt sure what the actual problem was.

You are stuck at the moment until things move along that's bound to make you feel dispondant it's good thing in a way. If you had urge to do loads and move on it would make you feel more trapped because you physically can't at the moment. If it's mind way of protecting you while you live at the moment. Once you get money sorted and house plans then you will feel like planning , be more positive and get going. If that makes sense.

You are living in incredible stressful time, sending u X and 3p is just so ridiculous it be funny if wasn't for toll it's taking. Once things get going it will pass you will free and happy. He hadn't broken you, you are just bruised and battered at the moment. But bruises and bumps heel they just need time xx