Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

[AlmostFreeMo]

Next Fred...

Ok. I know that he sees succumbing to stress as a weakness in others, such as work colleagues in the past who've been signed off long-term sick with stress etc. and even if I tell him or his mum, whoever, he won't see it as something caused by him or this situation, he will just see it as me being weak.
I wish bloody someone would go and counsel him. He's the one with the problems, not me.

You don't have to say anything you don't want, it could be migraine they last for days, also gastric problems causing acid reflux can give you chest pains had that been A& E myself! Feels like heart attack!

Or you could say it's stress related, think if anything it validates your experiences if GP said wow you have fantastic family your husband is amazing pull yourself together woman your life is perfect he woulnt be recommending counselling!

Plus not knowing what money he pays when whether he's going provide is stressful he just dosnt think so.

Oh great. Just chased up my claims, and they said they sent a letter out...yep...around the time I left with the kids while he was here. I don't have any proof of course that the letter just didn't turn up or that he read it and ripped it up or hid it. I can't imagine him opening my post, but it would have been so obvious where it was from.
Someone mentioned at the time to check in case I was due any post...but it really was too late to do anything and wouldn't have stopped this letter arriving in time.

Mo are you not good at lying, or are you not good at evading answering questions posed by nosey people who don't understand boundaries?

I find at times I end up telling people things because I don't know how not to tell them and I end up saying - I'm not good at lying.

I think the truth is fine, you saw the Dr because you had a bad headache and nausea, he said it is due to stress, he said you don't need medication, just rest and relaxation, it is the basic truth and anyway it is none of twats business, you are no longer a couple. What can he use against you? You got stressed when you broke up, big bloody deal (in law) What's anyone going to do? He can't use it against you, there is simply nothing to use.

Ok I lied so I must be good at lying. If is genuinely is none of some nosey parker's business, it's not that hard to fob them off. But the problem here is I suppose I'm caught between wanting to tell and not wanting to tell, and figuring out how much to say or not to say.
I want exP to know in a way, because this is yet another thing he should take responsibility for, yet I know he won't and could easily turn it against me.
I also want mil to know for similar reasons. I just don't want them to end up whispering behind my back about me and coming up with some rubbish about this situation. I guess I just don't know who to trust or what's best to do.

Sorry to hear that, Mo. What does the missing letter mean, a delay to benefits?

Are there any options to apply online?

Yes, a delay. They need supporting documents which are currently elsewhere and I don't know when I'll get them back! Very frustrating, all of it.

Oh no that's pain can you get extra copies?

Are they sending the letter again? Make a note of this, isn't it illegal to destroy somebodies else's post? Mo, you can really use that against him can't you, yet more controlling (possibly illegal) behaviour. He drops himself in it over and over because he thinks he is bigger and better, let him think it, I said before, give him enough rope...

Yes, they are resending.
Grumpy, I can't imagine him doing that, as despite all this business with me, he's very straight in real life and would know that was illegal. But he does think he's above me, so god knows what's in his mind. I've got no proof anyway.

Phew though: just got through to office where my essential docs are and they are going to kindly arrange for them to be sent back asap. Sadly though it doesn't sound like my application (CM abroad) is making much progress, when she said it's 'in the drawer with all the new applications' my heart sank! To think they have just been sitting there all this time. Slow progress.

Just to say that ADs can be a good treatment for reactive depression.

I know this because they got me well enough to wake up and divorce my Ex. The GP (and I) thought I was suffering from the other sort of depression, but no, my depression vanished when I issued divorce papers.

I suspect that much depression is actually due to circumstances (reactive), but diagnosed (and sometimes presented as) endogenous (is that the term?)

I was also thinking of reactive depression. Not that m suggesting Mo is depressed. Just that it's a very real thing.

Mo, I really think you should regard his mother as the enemy now. Or at least a collaborator. Don't give her anything. You don't have to tell her what the doctor said or what he prescribed. You don't have to tell her anything about your life.

If you don't like to lie (I don't) then just omit and be vague in the future. "Oh, you know... Just stress", things like that. Bear in mind that she will convey everything you say to her darling son.

Distance is right, he is her son and naturally she will support/believe him. You can of course be friendly, polite but vague. You will have her in your life for some time to come as Grandma but she doesn't have the right to pry into your personal affairs, feelings and thoughts.

I think you can give here a minimal word answer, "Stress. will be seeing the mediator soon so that will help."

re the missing letter. he may have taken it & decided you would think "it never arrived, lost in post".
Wouldn't he have made some remark though? it becomes real once the various form filling has been done.

A breezy "Nothing that's not being fixed anyway..." may well do the trick.

I think I want to tell him. A final plea from me and my fragility and that this is all culminating now and the stress I'm under could be fixed with just a little cooperation from him.
I feel so desperately low today. I would usually be out taking my youngest to play groups and parks but today I can't. There is a social thing tonight but I can't join in, I'm not up to it. I can't mingle with people I haven't told about my situation because personal questions make me nervous. I'm fine once I'm in comfortable company, and everything's out in the open. But with friends not in the know and acquaintances, I can't do it.
I can't cope with some of his family, who I used to be fine with but who are now blanking me.
My headache is still going. This is depression, I just never thought of it like that but now it adds up. I'm not the life and soul of any party usually but just the fact I can't even think about socialising or chatting is not right.
I have to contact him because he can't not know this is happening.
Last night I felt a sense of relief having seen the doctor and felt a little understood and that I was going to get the support I need.
But this morning I've plummeted right down again.

I wouldn't rush to tell him Mo, I can imagine the response -you said yourself what he thinks about stress. Breathe a while, no hurry.

I keep clinging to the hope he can respond as a human, but he's incapable. Why do I keep thinking that? When I'm low I just can't believe it's happening and that I feel so helpless and weak - and the power still lies with him - which I know will change - but I cannot stand this limbo phase for a second more. I need action. I need things to kick off, get heated, whatever, at least then I know something is happening.
I've calmed a tad, I won't do anything yet.

It's not right for my DC to see me like this. I've been saying no to them for things all week because I'm not well. And they keep asking me if I'm better. And I have to keep saying no. They are worried and confused and it's not fair.

Mo, your husband isn't going to help you. He isn't going to cooperate. He's going to try and do everything in his power to make you return to the fold or, barring that, to give you and your children as little as he can.

You clearly need help and support, and someone who will listen to you. Keep talking here. Do you have any friends or relatives who could come for the weekend (or could you go and visit them for the weekend)?

I honestly don't think you need ADs. Of course you are sad and anxious -- how could any normal person not be, in your situation? You need support, NOW. You must be feeling so lonely, poor thing. Keep posting here if you feel like it. But please look for support in real life too. This is an emergency.

And perhaps you could ask close friends to spread the word so people in your circles will know about your separation without your having to tell them?

Oh, and by the way. It sounds as if you were somewhat guilty from "hiding" things from him.

(a) You are not guilty of anything. This man is a monster, and you are only doing the right thing for the sake of your children (and yourself).

(b) He already knows. You don't need to tell him anything. He knows perfectly well that you are leaving him. Hence his attempts to show you that he will be retaining control nonetheless (as if...)

Mo, You have been so strong for so long. you know he won't sympathise, he will say you have bought it on yourself, he will us this against you when it comes to contact, "Mo is depressive". (unfit, nuts, on ADs)
Telling him will not help, tell you Mum, tell your family member you stayed with, tell your best friend. Sort out counselling. But IMHO telling him will give him a stick to beat you with.
Can you telephone the lady that is supposed to be contacting him & ask when it is to happen? some kind of positive action will lift your spirits.