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Original poster

Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

997 replies

AlmostFreeMo · 26/04/2016 06:51

Next Fred...

OP posts:
Akire · 29/04/2016 14:40

Well done. Great by email or text so in future if he brings it up you can clearly show reasonable offer was made. Think before custody and legal stuff is sorted it's perfectly normal to be nervous about leaving kids and keeping eye on them. Until proper agreements can be made.

Let's see what's more important saying goodbye to kids - or "winning" against you.

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:02

He's saying he's leaving on Sunday (phew, I thought it was next day) and to bring them home for lunch. Which sounds reasonable...except now he's inviting some of his family x 2 people, which I'm not happy about. I will be even more uncomfortable with them there, I'd rather it was just him and I can be upstairs until he leaves. I don't think it's unreasonable to say ok but not with them, is it? Sorry I'm getting myself tied up in knots, don't know any more how to communicate with him even over the simplest thing.
He's also saying he doesn't understand why I'm saying I'm not comfortable or safe with him in the house! He really doesn't get it.

OP posts:
Akire · 29/04/2016 15:09

Invite a friend over for few hours- sit in kitchen garden or upstairs so you are not alone with him.

Does sound like he didn't want to be alone with you! But probable either to show you and kids off to family or make you feel intimadated.

If it's power game he's playing you too can play. Show him you have support too.

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:12

I don't think I could convince anyone to do that...it would make them uncomfortable too (and me).
What about his relatives? I don't want them there, this is between me and him and they are in his side and will make me feel even worse. I know it's only a couple of hours but I just want this over with and him gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:13

On his side

OP posts:
mix56 · 29/04/2016 15:13

Say, if he wants to spend time with his children, then he doesn't need all these other pax.
Bollox to that, however I must say it would be less intimidating with other people around, he won't be able to menace you. & you could say infront of them, that you need XYZ for money as he still hasn't paid for uniforms for the children etc

Mamia15 · 29/04/2016 15:14

That could be an opportunity for you to ask him for a cheque - he's hardly going to refuse in front of his family is he?

Mamia15 · 29/04/2016 15:15

Cross posted with Mix56...

Akire · 29/04/2016 15:16

No don't think so, you bring them back for lunch turn up at X time. Kids and his family in living room or garden you potter around sorting out kids stuff. Getting uniforms ready for school , ironing whatever normal household stuff. If he eats in kitchen you friend move etc.

If he can have family around you can have family or friends around too

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:19

He's refused me money in an argument we had in front of my own family, so I certainly wouldn't expect this to make any difference to him.
He says these people are giving him a lift and that's why they are coming. But I find them intimidating too as they are a bit like him in that sense: can't see my side, don't really know my side of the story so aren't fair judges and I can't have it out with them in front of the children.
Maybe I could tell him just tell them to come when it's time for him to leave as I'm not comfortable or even contact them separately to tell them I don't think it's a good idea bearing in mind everything that's happening.
I don't know! I just can't think straight right now.
As for him not understanding why I don't feel safe in his company...FFS. He needs to be gone, on that plane, out of my life...

OP posts:
Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:22

Fine ok I have it: I'll drop them off at the time he's asked, and will return just before they need to leave. Then there's no time for any confrontations etc, and it will be brief because they can't hang about.

OP posts:
Akire · 29/04/2016 15:22

His family giving him lift to airport later? Why would they be there for hours before?

Ask around for friend make something up if need to - X needs me to help do X y z if you feel you need to give extra reason why they are there. How about she's helping me decorate my room! Lol

mix56 · 29/04/2016 15:23

OK, say "I will be a soft play, if you want to interact with your children, that is where they will be from X to Y hour
if your visitors are more important then the sums it all up doesn't it.

AriaVitiello · 29/04/2016 15:24

Hey Mo

You are doing so well.

Is lunch at the house a good idea ?

I'm wondering if he has something up his sleeve like parents moving into house to keep an eye on you/ berate you/pressure you to sign documents.

Soft play may be better as public and you can have friend there at another table. Any other interested relatives can be seen/skyped/rung (depending on how much you trust them) at a later stage. You're not saying never, just not this time.

You're finding your feet and the children may be overwhelmed.

Good luck Smile

mix56 · 29/04/2016 15:24

You don't need his permission to have a friend over, he has his cronies , so that is fine

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:24

It's very bizarre (or not in this case...) that he only wants to see them for a couple of hours before he leaves. He's not demanding the whole day or to take them out or do anything much with them, and all of this with other people there too. Absolutely zero quality one to one time at all.

OP posts:
Akire · 29/04/2016 15:26

Got it. He's invited a couple so woman can cook!

mix56 · 29/04/2016 15:27

it would be interesting to see what food he has bought though... the equivalent of your budget for 3 weeks, oh but, silly me, its his money he is spending on himself ....

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:28

Haha Akire, certainly not in this case Grin

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DollyTwat · 29/04/2016 15:31

Take a deep breath Mo
Take the control back

He has asked to see the dc, and you've made an offer. He's now changed that to someone cooking lunch and having a house full of his friends and family.

So, he either wants to spend time with his dc OR he wants a big lunch party. I don't think the two things are compatible

He can get these friends to pick him up after lunch, considering the situation that's the only way you will feel comfortable. He's going to have to decide what's important to him. His arrangements aren't your concern any more - you're not a couple.

If it was me I wouldn't go back to a house full of his friends and family, it's your home, and you'd feel even more intimidated

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 29/04/2016 15:42

He doesn't know how to spend time with them, does he? 'I want to see the children' translates as 'I want the children in the general vicinity while I do an activity that is meaningful to me'.

Talk to the refuge lady again. I suspect they may be doubtful about you going into the home with a group of his allies lined up and also on how what sounded like a request for contact is actually resumption of control and continuation of his reality. And also be aware that you then create evidence that you went into the house with him there for a family party, therefore you can't be THAT scared of him - that's how it may be interpreted by his barrister. It muddies the clarity of the line you've drawn.

I would suggest not going to the house but meeting on neutral territory like soft play. You will sit in the car outside (not interacting with him) or better still, get a friend to drive you and the children in case he follows you back to where you're staying. Contact means 'have the kids', not 'resumption of planet insane'.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 29/04/2016 15:45

It's also helpful to you to have evidence about how he is able to take responsibility for and lead contact visits with all three children. If he plans to let them play in his vicinity while he entertains guests and calls that 'contact', CAFCASS will be interested when they come to advise on contact arrangements. It may help to not co operate with a model you don't want to accept long term, or to let him set precedents of 'she's fine with contact like this'. Not at this stage when you haven't had legal advice and you don't know what might make life harder later.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 29/04/2016 15:46

Sorry to maunder on: Just to add, you can always text him and say 'I've been advised to change arrangements to so and so'. All you need to do is offer contact with his kids. If he won't take it unless it's his way and how he wants it then that's his problem.

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:49

I've agreed to drop them off for lunch (not mentioned his planned other company) and will return by the time they need to leave, as they're giving him a lift. I'm not worried about their safety as long as the others are present and they will all be leaving together so that makes it a bit easier.

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Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 15:50

Sorry rumble x posts but I missed all of yours while I was sending him my message.

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