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Original poster

Financial Abuse - AlmostFreeMo - Part 4

997 replies

AlmostFreeMo · 26/04/2016 06:51

Next Fred...

OP posts:
mix56 · 29/04/2016 06:54

People will start to ask where is Mo, It will look weird that after months of being away he is out on the town alone.
but pp is right, You don't need to explain, you have to follow your own road now, some "friends" will drop you, but in that case they are not "friends" at all.

Barmaid101 · 29/04/2016 08:31

How are you and the kids today mo

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 08:45

We are Ok thanks. I took the kids out yesterday and we were out all day, went to some great places, all outdoors, plenty of fresh air and open spaces - does wonders for the mind.

However I have woken up with the horrible thought what will happen to my children if something happens to me. I suppose a common thought for a single parent to have but I haven't actually thought of it till now. It's something I need to think about though. The thought of them going to live with him...or his parents, makes me actually shudder.

OP posts:
Barmaid101 · 29/04/2016 09:20

I actually looked into that after my lo was born, my dad wouldn't cope and we don't agree with how dh parents (step mum) raised their youngest at all. Both our mums died when I was 3 and he was 9.
We have asked a friend who we trust and who are very like us that in the event of both of us dying we would like our lo to be placed in their care and for them to have guardianship.
We were told by a solicitor that if this did unfortunately happen, family could still petition the courts to be made guardians instead to override our wishes, so it was important to state the reasoning why our wishes were made.
It you provided evidence of his lack of care of the kids and why you would prefer a family member to look after them. I don't know if it would be different as he is their dad but definitely worth discussing with SHL

Hope that makes sense. Chasing toddler at same time ha

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 09:26

I suppose we'll see what the final outcome is of all of this first before I decide whose care I would want them placed in if something happened to me. If he's portrayed as a neglectful father in court then surely he would have no chance of having sole care of them. And he wouldn't want it anyway but that's another matter.
Hopefully Barmaid that will never happen though to either of us.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 29/04/2016 13:01

Hi Mo - I am as ever amazed at the leaps you have made and full of admiration for your courage.

Do you already have a will?? If you definitely do not want him / his parents to have kids in the event of your death, you need to make one / change it as soon as possible I would say. You might get hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow so if this does matter to you, it needs to be documented ASAP. I have no idea if the legal implications of cutting out their father or if you can even do it, but you can at least write a letter / new will that sets out your wishes.

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 13:29

He's asking to see them before he leaves. No more talk of SS or police. Obviously that's not going to happen. I'll just have to say I've explained the position. Love how he thinks he can go away whenever he feels like it but expects me to be there with the kids just because he wants to see them. Well it doesn't work like that any more. Or ever again.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 29/04/2016 13:37

Is that a good idea Mo? I am not sure you should be seen as obstructive at all, although I understand your reasoning, of course I do. I just think you have to be spot on perfect in your dealings with him. However, if you wanted to let him dangle a little, just because you can, that is a different matter!

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 13:44

But he's had every opportunity to spend as much time as he likes with the kids, yet chose not to. And I have proof of that.
I'd better speak to refuge lady for advice.

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 29/04/2016 13:53

Hmmmmmm

He has hardly seen them since being back whilst you were still at home, has threatened police/SS, checked labels, not provided any extra money etc and now he is asking demanding to see them. Hmm

I can defo understand your thinking Mo but can also understand what grumpy is saying.

If you decide to let him see them, let him come to you and don't go to the house.

This way, maybe your relative can facilitate it making him feel very awkward, and you can control how long the contact will be.

PhoenixReisling · 29/04/2016 13:54

If you decide not to, you could let him Skype them as an alternative?

mix56 · 29/04/2016 13:54

I think you should let them say Goodbye. as much as it grates, he will be gone for months & may use this as unreasonable.
Does he leave Sunday, take them back on Sunday, he can see them until he leaves & they can go back to school on Monday ?

mix56 · 29/04/2016 13:56

a perfect opportunity for him to be there, when you tell them Daddy is leaving & will not be living with us again

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 14:02

More confused now. Refuge lady says maybe offer to meet him half way (since I'm so far from home) but I know for sure he will just say that's ridiculous and refuse - but that doesn't look good for him either. He might accuse me of being obstructive even by offering that.
I'd be scared to do that though: meet him somewhere and leave him alone with them. I'd want to be around because that's precisely the reason I've taken them, because I don't trust him.
What the hell do I do. Could return on the basis he doesn't stay the night in the house. Would that work do you think?

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 29/04/2016 14:08

That might work.....but would he do it?

He may tell you he has left, for then for you to return and he find out he lied through his teeth.

Could you stay with a friend?

DistanceCall · 29/04/2016 14:14

You need to document everything now, Mo. Paper trails or phone records. So emails or record every single telephone conversation with him.

I think you should agree to let him see the children before leaving before that's reasonable. BUT there should be other people there to support you. I agree that a meeting in your relative's home (with your relatives present) would be ideal. Otherwise, please make sure that whereever you agree to mee, you bring friends and/or relatives with you to ensure that he doesn't do anything odd (he may bring his parents along, so you don't want to be outnumbered).

Grumpyoldblonde · 29/04/2016 14:15

It is tricky, but you would not be doing it for him, but for the children. He may not have their interests but you do. You are smart, whatever you decide to do will be the right thing.

DistanceCall · 29/04/2016 14:15

Whatever you do, don't leave your children alone with him. Be present at all times. Bring someone else with you. And have the police/SS number on speed dial.

Akire · 29/04/2016 14:16

Askikg met half way is decent idea but he dosnt have car does he so could be difficult. He should offer get there come what may mind.

I'd say either met us at X place for few hours so least you will see him but at soft play or such place in public. Or you will come back but only if he stays the last night at his parents or hotel.

But given he's being unpredictable and threaten think you could say no also. Or you will drop them at his parents for few hours if he coughs up £20 extra to cover petrol!

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 14:21

Soft play is a good idea. I can be there too and he can get them lunch. But only on the basis he stays somewhere else. I could offer saturday or Sunday.

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 29/04/2016 14:21

I think you have to let him see the children and I would do it in your home town with you and a relative or friend present the day he is travelling or the day before.

Or could you meet him at the airport for a family trip to McDonald's or something. Then you'd even know for sure he'd left.

You see I have a concern that you'll say come to us to see the children then when you go home the next day yiu find his travel plans changed.

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 14:24

I thought that too about whether he actually leaves as planned...but pretty sure he can't change plans as he's been off work for a long time and needs to go back.

OP posts:
Akire · 29/04/2016 14:27

You can make a reasonable offer if he dosnt accept tough shit. It is reasonable to say you will come back if he will spend last night or two away. Or it's to far for you to do round trip for a few hours.

If he starts his 100% entitled crap of where and how and what time and you do all running around the answer is No.

Akire · 29/04/2016 14:32

A normal person with time and money at their disposal would agree. If he refuses that's just him being ackward and controlling. This is about your needs and rights to - to feel safe and not threatened.

Original poster
AlmostFreeMo · 29/04/2016 14:37

Ok sent my offer...it will enrage him purely because it's me calling the shots (as he will perceive it anyway, nothing to do with my safety etc). Got to give him a chance. Don't care whether he agrees or not. I'm being reasonable.

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