I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

If he says no, then I deal with that. And maybe just going back for a few days to see how things go around him isn't the worst idea. I think my family would be happy with that, they would see it as though I am trying? Even if we don't talk.

Your family need to butt out. You shouldn't "try": your H has done this, not you.

He got down on his knee & asked you to marry him on your first night in the flat.
NO-ONE forced him.
Apparently he (& now you) are questioning this.
He is considerably older, He wanted to get married, He WANTED children....
Sympathy for him ? he sounds like a Dick

You seem very concerned about what he'a feeling and "giving him space" and hoping he'll want to "try again".

What about how he's treating YOU? And what would be best for you right now.

Garlic your H is over 30yo. He is able to say NO to your family, his family to stay in a marriage that he says has never been what he wanted.
If anyone in your relationship was likely to be 'forced into it' it's you due to the fact you were so much younger When you met.

I agree about feeling hounded. It's not nice. But then he initiated a temporary separation and that isn't nice either. He created the situation by not talking to you in the first place and deciding he needed space. He has to deal with the consequences.

Please do not believe that he has no possibility to say NO and that you/your family are going to trap him forever in what will a very unhappy marriage.
Even my own DH, who has communication issues due to AS and a great inability to withstand conflict, can say NO when it is really important for him.

Btw, I totally understand why your family and what they think is so important for you. Their validation will be even more important now.
However, they should NOT intervene in that way. It's your life not theirs.

I have to say, I would be tempted to not say as much to them and rely on a good friend in RL for some guidance.

Garlic, my ex totally rewrote history like yours. But he did it before we got married too. It turned out that the proposal was more like taking out an option on me - while he carried on screwing his ex. My family were like yours a bit, and stormed to the rescue, and he decided to marry me, because he thought he'd be entitled to a share of my house etc. But of course that gave him a stick to beat me with.

He started talking divorce on the honeymoon - by which time I was 7 months pregnant. Another stick to beat me with.

We were married for 4 years, for 3 years of which he was screwing his ex. But she finally gave up on him after the birth of our second child - karma's a bugger like that. So he had no feather bed to fall into, and I was the one that finally went for the divorce as he threatened to have the kids put into care when he was in a drunken rage.

What I am trying to say, badly, is that you are doing well. Stay reasonable and polite, but don't be a doormat. It takes 2 of you to make it work, and being yourself is the only sustainable character you can be. If you are trying to be someone else life's miserable.

You are young, and he isn't really young enough to be claiming that you forced him into it. That just reflects badly on him, and makes him look a bit of numpty frankly. Every time he rewrites history politely pull him up on it. If he wants out, then that's ok - he's allowed to, and far better now that a few kids down the line.

Living with someone who you are splitting up from is a bad choice if you have another option. It makes it much harder to stay reasonable and polite - and these are really your best tools in the long run.

I am feeling massively sorry for you. You have had some harsh comments on here that I feel are so inappropriate - this is a thread of support, I have no idea why some people are encouraging you to look for ways to blame yourself. This is meant to be a thread helping you get through this. My thread kept me going and at no point did people make hurtful suggestions as they did to you. I don't understand why people keep posting suggestibg self-blame to someone in a moment of crisis. Sadly in your posts they have clearly hit home.
On top of that you are being disempowered by your family. How very traumatic and also hard to keep your perspective on things and your self-possession. Again, self-blame is creeping in.
This is not your fault! He has switched off from you and you are trying to keep your head above water. I do NOT think moving back to him is the answer. How can you appear strong, either to him or in your own mind, if he is in your immediate space, breaking your heart?
When it was me, everyone said get him OUT. That overwhelming message gave me the strength to do so and I got him out.
Please hold strong to your own strength, I can completely see why it would be faltering right now. There's so many of us rooting for you.

I have to thank you all so much.
I have no idea what I would have done with this thread. Everything that crops up now is like a huge disaster to me, and I struggle to see a way I can move forward from it until I get some amazing advice on here and it gives me hope to carry on and get through it.

Your last post is a sign of true love. 💐

Sorry - wrong page. Ignore me

What a horrible situation for you to go through.

I don't blame your family for how they have reacted - it must be so difficult seeing you this way.

For him to make no contact, to not even text to see how you're felling, give you any kind of reassurance is disgusting!

It's your husband that's making this decision, it's been sprung on you, so realistically what does he need a few weeks to think about! He took vows in marriage and he is treating you appallingly - leaving you each day despairing is horrendous way to treat someone you love.

Regardless of how he is feeing it doesn't take much to keep in contact and explain he needs time but enquire how you are!

That's what I would get angry about

Without adding fuel to the fire, don't rule out an affair from my experience men rarely split marriages without having someone else lined up!!

What a turn.
Nightmare for you and probably your 'D'H as well.
I would send that text as well.
See where that takes you and then take it from there.

Families do interfere and yes, they should listen. You are grown ups and should be left to sort this out yourselves.
However, they love you and think they know what is best for you and just want you to be happy again.

When it happened to me I just stepped right back from the situation and let them get on with it. Hard as that is.
It was a horrible time but they eventually came round and started to support me but not before I'd been hurt by them all.
They didn't understand. But they did step up in the end.

I really hope this is all just a blip. But you are getting your prepared for it not to be and that's a very good thing!

I just feel like in my moments of strength, my family are taking away my options. I've been open about the strong possibility that he might just decide that it's over, but they can't understand that I'm not there, begging for him to make it work.
My dad last night said that being here was short term, and when I brought up the possibility that it might not be, he said that it bloody well was, and I will be going back to work on my marriage, that he didn't spend all that money on a wedding for it to be over.
I'm just devastated. It's such a horrible situation, and I am getting backed into a corner where one way out is losing my self-respect, begging my husband for a chance and being desperately unhappy myself. The other way out is losing the support of my family for making the wrong choices (in their opinions), giving up without trying and hating them for their reaction.

Why do YOU have to work on the marriage?
What about your 'D'H. Did your DDad mention that at all?
I agree with others that they are NOT supporting you at all right now.
I would consider going to a friends for a couple of days if I could.
Do you have the money for a cheap hotel?
It's not the right time or good for you to be in the situation you are in with your interfering family.
for you.
We all think you are amazing so keep hold of that!

But in reality, if H has mentally closed that door, he won't want to send little texts asking if are you OK. because even if he isn't "in love" anymore, he will know that any token gesture will give you hope & that in itself is cruel.
I agree too, that trying to "make things work" trying to fix your marriage, is fine but it takes two, & there is no point in changing the way you act or speak, it isn't sustainable & he will only feel at best pity & at worst revulsion at any imploring type of behaviour.
IMHO it is best to keep your head high, you can only be who you are.

sorry Xd post. that is very unkind of your dad.
I think you must say calmly, & clearly that H has asked for TIME. it is not you giving up, it is H that has announced he wants to leave.
& then if they can't support you when you are at your lowest, then you will go somewhere else.

Stop focusing on your parents and his parents. Send a text to forewarn him your family is interfering despite your best efforts and that it's nothing to with you. He won't be ambushed. The rest is for him to deal with as an adult. He can tell his MIL politely to butt out of his relationships issues like a big boy. He HAS created the situation and this is a direct result of it. Let him deal with it instead of doing damage control on his behalf.

To be fair to your Dad, I think he just angrily expressed what was pointed out to you upthread - about running away to their house and making long term plans to move in after not talking with your DH. I don't think he's withdrawing support but he is thinking you're just giving up too quickly. Do you think there might be something in a bunch of strangers and your parents saying the same thing? Or are we completely off the mark? If the latter, then it's probably best they do confront your DH and see for themselves how he's dramatically changed.

I have explained that why should I be doing ALL the work at fixing it, when HE is unhappy. All they say is 'compromise', 'it takes two'. And I'm shouting back at them exactly! Compromise takes two people, and if he's not compromising for me, then it's not going to fix anything! It's him that's unhappy, he's making the choice for this.

I have sent the text, pretty much the same as what was suggested by fantastic, i added in a little about their concern and how they think by doing this they are helping.

If he refuses to go, I think I still will go back. Maybe being there, without pressuring for a decision, will make him see that he has to decide either way sooner rather than later. It will tell me a lot about his feelings at this stage too, without wondering if maybe he does still love me and he is just scared/unhappy/undecided. If he is cold and uncaring still, I think it will cement it for me that there is little hope. It should also settle my parents minds if they think that I am back there ready to give it a chance. If he decides to leave to have his space/time, then that is his decision and he can't live in limbo like I have been this week. He will be forced to own up to his life changing, and having to explain this to his family because it's not fair I'm putting up with all this shit, when he isn't (possibly, but I don't know if he has told his family or not).

Hi Garlic, I've been reading this (had commented earlier but have nc) and you're doing so well. I think your dad is having a panic reaction because he doesn't understand how nasty your H has been to you. He thinks it's a tiff and that you're not trying. So you might find going home allows you to stay strong after all. Your H can either stay and feel awkward or he can go elsewhere. If there is OW he will find it harder talking/texting her with you present. Eventually you may want to change area, but for now you might as well take comfort from being in your own surroundings. Just try to focus day to day, go to your appt tomorrow, and try to see friends at the weekend. Chin up, you're doing great

When you are back in your flat and he is living with his parents, then you'll probably get less flack from your familt. They'll see that it is him that has abandoned you, not the other way round. If they don't see that, well you won't be living in the same house as them so you don't have to hear their crap unless you want to.

If the relationship is indeed over, then moving back with your parents long term is clearly not a good idea with the way they are dismissing you.

Buy him out and get a lodger. Being single doesn't mean being a child again, you are a strong adult woman, that remains whatever happens.

I hope that if this really is it with our marriage, that I can come back home to my parents. We have little savings, I'm not on a high wage. I could maybe just about afford the flat and the bills, but not much else. If I knew this was going to happen, I wouldn't have got such an expensive car (it's not a flashy one, but it's more than I need and I got a rotten deal on finance). It's justified for us with two wages coming in, but I couldn't afford the flat and the car as well as raising the money to buy him out.

If this is a long term situation, I hope my parents realise that soon so that they can support me. They aren't bad, or unsupportive, but I can tell this has been a massive shock to them and they think they know the right thing to do, because it worked for them 20+ years ago (different situations and experiences, but it is the same in their minds).

This family interference stuff sounds like absolute hell. However concerned they think they are, what they are doing is not helping. They are treating you like a child. Tell them that their interference is likely to drive your H further away if anything. You don't want to end up staying together and a few years down the line he has another crisis and throws back at you 'well, I had to stay with you because your family bullied me into it'

It needs to be clear that your family are acting against your wishes here, not speaking for you. Perhaps you should also warn him that your interfering mother may well take it into her head to ring his mother, and that you are also dead against her doing that.

Oh. Well, I hadn't realised that you would actually want to move in with your parents if the marriage is over. Why is that?

I have a dd your age, and if she needed to come home to me to recover from a bad breakup I would of course be welcoming her with my arms wide open. But as a temporary measure. I would be encouraging her to pick herself up eventually and get on with her own adult life because that is what would be healthy for her. If she wanted to come and live with us permanently I would be very worried that she was so broken she wanted to live with her parents at the age of 25. That is no life for an adult. That would be going backwards into being a child again. Very unhealthy in my opinion.