I'm about to lose my mind here. I think DH is going to leave me tonight..

[garlicbreathing]

DH has been uncharacteristically cold towards me for the past week or so. I had had a bad week as I had AF (we have been ttc for 16 months, and now under the care of the fertility clinic) and it pretty much devastated me. I had no sympathy from DH, we've barely spoke.
It's came to a head when I apologised on Friday, and I told him I was upset with his lack of affection, and he continues to be so cold. I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did. He shrugged off cuddles on Saturday morning.

I gave him space yesterday, and slept in the spare room, but I woke up incredibly anxious about what is wrong so I sent him a text telling him that whatever it is, we must talk tonight. He responded in the afternoon, agreeing that we do need to talk.
I was a state in work, I generally always think the worst, so I asked him if it was serious, if he wants to leave me. All he has responded is that we will talk tonight. I asked to get away from work early as I was on the verge of tears, so now I'm sat at home waiting for him to arrive back.

I just don't know what to do. I think this might be the end of my world and I just don't know how I could continue to go on if this is actually happening to me. I hope and pray that it's to do with the ttc, and hes just wanting to take a break from it. But I think maybe it's just broke him and he doesn't love me anymore.

Oh, blimey. I didn't think of lunchtimes - I suppose because it's a long time since I've not had a long commute and most people I've worked with don't live around the corner from their workplace. Couldn't figure out how it could be so easy.

TattyCat "I'm curious - if someone has an affair 'at work', how do they ever get past 'first base'? If they're never late home or never stay away?"

Many years ago I worked with someone who did much of his extra marital shagging in his car during the lunch hour. He was quite brazen about it. It used to make my skin crawl when he came back to the office after lunch.

Oh just refreshed and see my former colleague wasn't the only one!

Urrrrrr.....

Well, tonight has maybe went a bit tits up.

I went out with my friend, and it was great to see her and we had a great chat and catch up. In the meantime, my mum, dad and brother all decide to have a big family discussion and decide what to do. My brother then texts my husband to ask him to call him which goes against all my decisions to give him the space he wants.
I'm pleading for my family to listen to me and respect what I am asking them to do- to not get involved. I need their support and not them just doing 'what they think is best'. I fear it's going to make everything so much worse. My mum and I end up in a shouting match because she is not listening to a word I am saying and assumes that I have given up. My dad is basically saying that there is no option for this not to work out, that I just need to work hard for it. My brother, who I thought would understand, is saying that I need to 'lay off and stop being so uptight about everything' because they are helping. This isn't real life anymore is it? Just when I start to think everything might just go to a plan, I'm fucking back at square one with not a clue what to do next.

Hello again, garlic. I'm still reading, but your thread moves so fast! I'm finding quite a bit of it hard to stomach, too, but that's my issue.

I'm replying to a post you made yesterday evening:-

He talked about how unhappy he was, and how he had been for a long time. ... He said about how he felt like he was pressured into getting married and having a baby.

-> Chapter 1 - Choosing the Correct Speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:
a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.
b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.
c) We got married too young. I never knew anything besides you.
d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it.

-> Chapter 2 - Lessons in Building Anxiety

[omitted - includes Emotional Detachment]

He discussed how he made no decisions. He told me that he didn't want this, he didn't think he was ready and he was forced into it. He said he feels like he gets no say in anything in our marriage. He was angry, sounded accusing of me.

-> Chapter 5 - History Revision

It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!

He said something about how there was a small part of him to blame. ... He asked me what we should do ... I told him that he is the one that is unhappy so he needs to decide what to do. I later said this in text, so he knows that he isn't forced into any decision. ... I asked him if he was 100% sure on this, he said he wants a few weeks.

-> Chapter 4 - Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).

I told him that I was going to come back today to get our dog, and he said that it's fine, but he must be able to see him too.

-> ^BUTTON PUSHING

You know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game. And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.

For extras (I'm not going to C&P all your posts!)

-> ^HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY

2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.

3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do.

Quotes from "The Script" thread, which is in turn quoted from www.midlifeclub.com/

Pretty much ALL your posts have direct parallels in that 'script'. I'm all too aware of how your emotional investment in the marriage, with all its nuances, stop you from being able to see it as objectively (and cynically!) as necessary. What I did was go out for very expensive drinks with my two best friends, and got them to go with me through the chapter in a book I'd found, which accurately reflected the 'script'. It was extremely cathartic.

Sorry, x-posted with your last.

People hate change. Even if that change is best for someone they love. They'll try a lot of things to keep the status quo.

My advice is lean on your friends - a lot. Tonight's pal sounds great! How are you fixed for somewhere else to stay, preferably with friends but possibly just a b&b somewhere pretty? YOU need YOUR own space, and you need laughter & support rather than being pushed back into a marriage that your H says you pushed him into! (I'm all confused by the pushing now; god knows how you must feel!!)

The thread is so fast moving.

I'm at such a low point right now. I don't know what I can do now. My family are meant to be my rocks, and they are trying to help me, but they just don't understand the situation. The FUCKING situation! The whole surprise of it all, how nothing makes sense to anybody, no one can believe what is happening.

I feel they reached out to my husband, because they think I am not doing anything, or maybe they think I am hiding something. I don't know. I've practically begged them not to escalate this (I would doubt very much if my husband does return contact) and I've explained my reasons for it.

I think they are surprised at how strong I am being. I think I need to crumple into a heap for them to understand how much of a shock this is for me and how much emotional turmoil I am going through. This is my life, mine and my husbands decision to make. If I am unable to fix this, if my husband has indeed checked out and decided already not to try and fix this, then I don't know where this leaves things with my family. They see me giving space as me giving up, not trying to sort it out. I have explained to them why I am doing this, my mum is convinced I should be sending little 'I love you' texts to him throughout the day to remind him and to let him know that I care about him. I don't know how to move forward from this.

Without my family, I will be hard pressed for somewhere to stay. I have a couple friends that really last case scenario I could stay with, but I really don't want to inflict this upon them. I have some amazing friends who can offer me a great shoulder to cry on, but I need my family to just listen to what I'm asking them to do.

Hmm... I think I'd take the path of least resistance at this point and spend a few days with a friend. If your friends are true then they will be there for you and won't mind a few days of your presence.

Ask your folks if they can keep your dog for the duration but you need to go away for a few days. They are bang out of order to interfere (even with the best intentions) so you need to go into damage limitation mode.

However, and this is important - you absolutely cannot control what other people do and their responses. That bit is NOT your problem so please lose any anxiety about this. It's frustrating that they feel the need to interfere but truly you cannot control other people's behaviour.

Just a thought, but why do you think they feel it necessary?

How about work? Do they have a staff/guest flat or a hotel account, and could it be possible for you to use it?

Or tell H to move out. It's a bit crap of him to ditch the marriage but keep the home.

Or even ask your parents to put you up in a hotel. If they insist on having a relationship with your reluctant husband, they can damn well make sure you're safely accommodated away from their uninvited love-fest!

I agree, Tatty, if friends have a spare room.

Or tell H to move out. It's a bit crap of him to ditch the marriage but keep the home.

Actually, this is a really good idea. You can present it to H as a 'family interfering', evidenced by tonight's phone call and that if he wishes peace, you need to be back at home (because it IS your home, right?). Let HIM go find someone to stay with. Why should you be the one compromising?

And your Mum pretty much said you were pushy?

What did your husband say to your brother? If it were me I would send my husband a text saying that you had asked your family to give him space and not contact him but while you were out etc....

They have done this and they say they want to DO SOMETHING. They see me being happy and strong one minute, or crying into a pillow and feeling utterly lost the next. They don't want me to be waiting around for this decision, they see the torture this is. In their eyes, they are doing something, and its going to be helpful. Maybe they want him to tell them what the matter is, maybe they will say the right thing, maybe they will fix my marriage for me? Who knows. It's all so impossible.

When I told my mum that I made the decision for me she began to get frantic "SEE, SEE!! YOU HAVE MADE THE DECISION ALREADY! SEE!" By this point I was sick of it, I shouted that she's not listening to a single word I'm saying. Ive made the decision for him to have time to think and decide what to do, Ive not made the decision my marriage is over.

Whatever you do, you need those around you to NOT interfere. Your parents are still far too invested in this and clearly still see you as 'their little girl'. Time to woman up and show them that you are in control and know your marriage better than they do.

Sorry to hear your family are interfering! It's really not up to them, and they should respect your wishes. It's between you and your husband, and no-one else.

It's possibly not a bad idea to ask Husband to leave in order for my family to not involve themselves. I believe there was no phone call, I don't think he responded at all to the text. I may consider this action tomorrow when I can speak to my mum and dad about it and check whether they still feel it appropriate to go against what I am asking of them.

Sorry, just re read, your brother texted him, I guess he hasn't replied?

Ive made the decision for him to have time to think and decide what to do, Ive not made the decision my marriage is over.

I'm torn about this statement. Part of me thinks that actions speak louder than words and that by doing this (or nothing), you appear to be 'giving up' and perhaps that's what everyone around you sees? I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that it may appear that way to those closest to you. Maybe your H wants to see some passion for your marriage, rather than passion to have a child, at this point?

I don't know but I'm trying to help!

I think how well I am coping is evidence to them that I am giving up on the marriage. I have tried to be so open with them about my plans, and warned them that I feel the likely decision which will be made is that it is over. They are seeing this as my fault though, I don't think they are putting together the things I am telling them my husband has said with the person they think they all know.

I feel for you Garlic, on one hand you are accused of being pushy and on the next you are accused of giving up because you are respecting what he said he needed.

I just cant go and 'be passionate about my marriage' because to me I would feel like I am forcing him into staying with me. With everything he has said about his unhappiness and how he was forced into marriage to begin with, I am trying to take a back seat so I am not pushing him one way or another. I feel it's the only way for him to make up his own mind, assuming it's not already made up.

If your family refuse to accept that this is not of your making then let them call him. Let them hear for themselves what he has to say. Again, you can't control what other people choose to do.

And I'm sorry for making the suggestion that he may want to see some passion about your marriage rather than having a child. That didn't come across well but was well meant.

Oh dear. What a shame your family have taken it upon themselves to interfere in this way. And to not listen to you. They are in grave danger of making him feel more pressure, and now he can say your bloody family forced me into blah blah.

How about a text to him saying something along the lines of I've been determined to give you the space you've asked for - clearly mum, dad and bro are bewildered and have ignored my pleas not to contact you, sorry about that. They are just concerned for us. Think I need to be back at home now as I am not happy with the family's interference in what is our business. Can you stay somewhere else if you still need time apart from me, so I can go back home? Have doc appointment fri and would like to go home after that.